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My 88 year old dad lives on a neighbor island with his gf who is a few months younger than he is. He drives frequently (he is from here and all of his family is here. He has been living with his gf for the past 10 years) He is in great physical health, but is in mid to late dementia and it shows. ☹️. His girlfriend is opposite, her mind is ok (showing early stages of dementia) but physically she’s a mess. She can’t walk, she shuffles and is constantly in pain from breaking her back a few years ago.


We recently found out that they were coming for Thanksgiving, so my siblings and I agreed we would disable the car he keeps here to ensure he would not drive (my dads gf got rid of their car two years ago when she recognized he could not drive anymore, but he still refused to stop driving).


Prior to their arrival, I hid the spare key in a drawer in my room and pulled the starter fuses. After picking them up at the airport and bringing them home, he immediately saw his car and wanted to know where they key were. I gently told him he couldn’t drive because his Dr said so. He was angry but, in normal mid to late dementia fashion, he forgot about it for the time being. The next day I left the house in the am to go to the gym and by the time I got back it was clear someone had gone in my room and dug thru my drawers and found the spare key because all the windows were down and it was raining. Luckily I had removed the starter fuses so it didn’t start. I went in the house and asked them who went in my room (they both said no but my dads cane was on my bed). Long story short, while I am able to hold the line with my father by distractions etc, my dads gf is insisting that she can drive and wants us to fix the car. I hve told her that if we fix the car dad will insist on driving….he’s obsessed and doesn’t understand) and she said she wouldn’t let him drive etc etc. I later that day I heard her telling him that once the car got started she would drive it out and then let him drive (because she hasn’t driven in 2 years at least and with the array of physical issues, she’s probably a worse driver than my dad!). Well it’s been several weeks and I’ve held the line on saying idk what’s wrong with it. They’ve asked my brother and anyone who will listen if they can fix the car but so far everyone has held the line which is made his gf very angry and she has threatened to take dad home if we don’t immediately fix the car. Shes beeen calling all her family and friends and telling them what a horrible person I am that I won’t fix their car etc etc and that I’m treating her like a child etc. I have repeatedly told her that if we fix the car, my dad will drive and she won’t be able to stop him. She’s still angry and doesn’t cRe, she wants the car fixed. I’ve been able to avoid it amd just ignore her when she brings it up but have to listen to her talk badly about me on the phone. I’m frustrated. They are now talking about taking the car back with them. When she told my father he had to promise not to drive he refused and said he will drive wherever and whenever he wants. She still wants us to fix the car…so she can go get a paper (we have brought them the paper each morning and taken them wherever they want to go) I am at my limit. I’m ready to put The fuses back in and give her the keys. She’s creating a monster she won’t be able to control amd he will kill someone. I’m not sure what else I can do to reason with her. Any thoughts?

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Sometimes “disabling” the car seems to make it harder to manage the problem than getting the car “out of sight, out of mind”.

What Dad or GF say about you is far less of a problem than the potential consequences of leaving it around and thereby continuing his unfiltered interest in it, and his determination to get it working gain.

Have it towed away and get rid of it. If necessary involve your local police and explain that neither of them are fit to drive it.

It’s probably well past time to attempt to apply logic to either of them.

Safety, for themselves and others. Time to take compassionate action.
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Why can’t you just get rid of the car entirely? Having it there is too hard for both of them, seeing it only makes them want it. Have it gone and play dumb “car, what car, I don’t know anything about any car” Don’t get trapped into discussing it with either of them again.
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The car needs work. Remove it from the premises, never to return again.

Did you invite them to come and stay with you for Thanksgiving?? Umm, that's a long way off and this situation sounds pretty challenging, to say the least. How long are they staying??

Put a child lock on your door to keep him from rummaging in your room.

I can't even imagine how they navigated the airports??? Oh my....
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Treat your Dad and gf just like you would any guest.

Bad guests are sent home.
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Stop trying to reason with two people who have dementia -- it's pointless.

As others have said, out of sight, out of mind. The car needs to disappear, but as it belongs to them, I'm not sure how you can legally do that unless you have POA.

I say make a tire and wheel disappear overnight. Then another. Then another. Put the thing on blocks. It'd be a much bigger task to get that thing taken back to their island with no wheels.
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Can they both move to where having a car is not a necessity?
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I think keeping the car there - for them to see - is the issue. It's frustrating them - and they just want their way (like a child) - they're not able to reason with the excuses you're providing. It doesn't matter in their mind.

With all the efforts you're taking (i.e. the fuses, the keys, etc) ...you should just get rid of the car and that's it...sell it. You can look online for resources that will buy the car...or look up local used car dealerships...or garages that fix cars (I just did this for my father's car). There's usually someone who will buy an older car...and if not, then just have it towed. They cannot see that car any longer.

And then come up with a final excuse that relinquishes the idea of the car ever being salvageable, if they ever inquire again (anything...ie - the engine blew up - caught on fire - someone stole it, etc). It's just being creative with the final response about his car.
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Suggest they sell the car while they are there, now.
1) Because neither can drive anymore.
2) Because you will be charging them rent to store it there starting
January 1st.
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Sendhelp Nov 2022
OP,
You are thinking of bringing your father home to live with you?
I think the two of them come together.
Maybe find an assisted living nearby for them both.

Going through your things? Theft.
Bad-mouthing you to others? Destruction of your reputation.
Conspiring and lying behind your back? Caregiving is already way too hard without sabotage.

Call her "family" that she is talking to, have them come and pick her up for Thanksgiving.

Gee, can they take Dad too?
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Speak with your local DMV about this issue as well as all the other fine suggestions. A re-examine may result in no license.
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baileyif Nov 2022
Dmv is state dependent. Need to get dl revoked in his state.. great how siblings working together. Only option is to lose car... Imo. We did hide keys while he in hospital... And removed the fuel pump relay to disable car had to call his mechanic so it wasn't fixed... Then his doc said he could drive so we gave key back, put fuse back in and he immediately got a spare set of keys made so this would never happen again we not know where spare is ... But his cognition got bad while he was septic and in hospital and nursing home for rehabilitation. Improved much when he got to home And he simplified his life after sepsis. My sister and I -we work together well too.-and doc thinking he can drive as long as he is able. Once we feel he no longer able we would report to this state DMV and let them deal with it. Might b tougher for u if multiple states involved
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Get the car "stolen" no car no driving. You can do this by hiding it someplace or other creative solutions.
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Asccidently posted twice deleted this one
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This is one area where many places in Europe have the US beat. There are so many places (and people) that don't have cars, it's absolutely wonderful, with the bonus being the people don't miss cars or driving either.

It's too bad it can't be like this in many places in the US.
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