My father is 75 and has had multiple back surgeries and both knees replaced. He never really recovered, but now is completely immobile. Our first trip to hospital was due to bed sores. He was sent home from rehab after refusing therapy. Now, he has a low immune system and his legs are no longer strong enough to keep him from sliding out of a chair. He uses a bedpan. He is back in the hospital.
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through with your dad. He has been through so much. My dad was also very stubborn and independent. After his stroke he wasn't the same person. I would suggest having his doctor, counsellor, therapist try and talk to him. Is it all the medication affecting this mood and thinking as well? I know its hard to see our parents in this condition. I became so frustrated and just gave up. But in hindsight, I needed to dig a little deeper. If he truly has had enough and only wants hospice, I guess there is nothing more that can be done, but at least you tried.
If they cannot afford a nursing home, dad should apply for Medicaid. Even if they have too many assets or income to qualify, they can spend down to get under the threshold. The application process and rules are more complicated for a couple than for an individual. Medicaid's goal is not to impoverish the well spouse.
Since you are so far away, if you think your mother might need guidance, it would be good for her to consult an Elder Law attorney. Or, once a nursing home is selected, someone there may be able to help with the application process.
Is there any one local who could help them select a good nursing home that accepts Medicaid?
This is very difficult for everyone involved. It is hard for you to be so far away. But this can all be worked out. Hang in there!
Oh! - Jeanne's just said that! But perhaps it bears repetition :) Finding someone to help her is the next best thing to doing it yourself.