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He is extremely independent and refuses help from anyone. His memory is becoming impaired and cannot recall things from day to day. I am constantly worried about him. He has not given anyone POA and cannot find his will. I'd like him to remain at home as long as possible, but he needs someone to clean and help him throughout the day. I am burning out. How can I get him the help at home he needs? He is healthy, ambulatory, mows his own grass, and broils a New York strip steak for dinner himself. He just needs someone to help him but is adamant he is just fine and refuses to hire anyone.

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Hm, refusing a smoke detector makes me wonder if he has already had some cooking accidents that he is trying to hide. Just bring one into his house with the battery installed, even if it is left sitting in the counter it will still work better than nothing.

Try to spin the need for help and stricter supervision as him having earned the right to "retire" from some of these household chores and enjoy his leisure, if you know of other friend or relatives who have help use them as an example. Point out that he worked hard all his life to save for his old age and at 96 he deserves to dip into his nest egg to pamper himself. Good luck!
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I told my friends Mom it helped rates for home owners insurance;)
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GSA is right; smoke detection protection devices are noted on our HO policies.

And they may be mandated by local fire codes.
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We installed a smoke detector! He was furious, but has completely forgotten about it today...
I like the suggestion that homeowners insurance rates might be a perk! Thanks everyone! So glad I found this site!
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I believe that having the detectors (as well as deadbolt locks) may have reduced our premiums. It's been quite a while since we switched to a different agency, and I just don't remember all the factors that influenced the premium. But I do see those devices listed on one of the schedules.
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Several years ago ( before my aunt needed assistance from me) I noticed my aunt had a new smoke detector above her bedroom door. I asked her who installed it and she said the fire department. How she came on their radar I don't know but I imagine if a fireman showed up with a smoke alarm most elders would allow it to be installed.
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Good job on the smoke detector.

He sounds like he is doing pretty well on this own. What kind of help would you like to see him hire?

If he doesn't accept help, what is the worst that could happen? He could die? He's 96 years old. Don't you think that is a pretty likely outcome in the next few years, no matter what kind of help he has or doesn't have? The real question, I think, is how can the remainder of his life be fulfilling and meaningful to him? And that may mean he has to retain at least the semblance of independence.

Like the smoke detector, I think you can handle individual hazards as they come up. You can help him "retire" from some of the riskier things he does, without making him feel he is no longer capable.

You might enjoy and benefit from the book, "Being Mortal".
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jeannegibbs, my daughter had suggested I read "Being Mortal" and somehow completely forgot! Thank you for recommending it as it is a book I felt would resonate with me.
My father wants to die in his home. It is the home he had built in 1972. He loves it. He is happy there. And he does not notice the dust, the stained kitchen sink, nor the stuffy smell. He knows he belongs there, that he is home. He is happy with the daily routine of getting his paper and reading it over breakfast. The fact that the dishes aren't done in a "timely" fashion doesn't faze him. The fact that he is wearing the same pair of pants for 7 days in a row goes unnoticed. Does it really matter?
My only concern is his cleanliness and his safety. He is not bathing, his shower is dry. But his physical health is good.
The help I would like is to have someone come to his home routinely to clean, and hopefully encourage him to bathe (?)...someone to give me respite as I am the only one locally. But how is this done without insulting him?
I do worry that he may finally lose his balance and fall down the steps. Who will be there to help him? But then I ask myself if I have the right to determine how my father chooses to live out the end of his life? And I always come back to the same answer: If he is not endangering himself or others, then I will remain in the sidelines, always watchful.
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How lucky your father is to have you!
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As far as POA goes, my sister and myself discussed with my mother the importance of having someone listed who can access her funds etc if she became incapacitated. We pointed out that this might even be just being in hospital for an operation and had nothing to do with dementia...not necessarily 100% accurate but she was feeling very defensive about cognitive impairment. We also point out that MIL had already done it and there was no question of her independence. Like taking out insurance, it's a backup plan for emergencies. As far as the will goes, point out that he should have the opportunity to chose at least in part where his things go after he dies. And that everyone should have a will. An elder attorney is well worth the expense for these. It may be that he has a safety deposit box with a will in it. But these are the types of things you need to know. Put it that if any emergency happened it will make it much easier on yourself to manage. If that doesn't work ask him to think about the position you will be in if he dies suddenly and you have to sort it all out. Better to be prepared and organised.
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For me personally, I'm not going to get a smoke detector and no one is going to make me. That is a person's preference to not have a smoke detector, it is not a law. I know you are worried he will burn himself up. Just buy him one yourself and if he uses it that's great, but if not, he may give you a piece of his mind as to why he does not want one. He probably is just preserving his own dignity of being in control and independant. I just believe that people's parents raised them. And we should not lose rights just because we age. Except for very occasionally driving rights because it is so dangerous to others. I just believe that people should have control over their own lives, as in where, when, and how they want to die. You said he forgets things, then you say he is healthy and can mow his own grass. Besides asking him to let someone else help him, that is all you should do. He is doing pretty good if he can mow his grass at 96 years old. Let his housework slip for a little while and see if he is willing to hire someone.
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The bigger question is..
If he is alone would he know what to do if and when the smoke alarm goes off?

There are some you can get that are wired in and will notify the fire department when they go off. Not sure if this is part of a whole house security system or not.

If you can wire his house either video or just sound at least you would know if something happened.
But there comes a point when someone should not be living alone if memory is an issue or if there are physical limitations that would make it unsafe. Either a fall risk or if it becomes physically impossible to leave in a timely manner.
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I agree with Grandma1954. When poor judgment becomes apparent, things like being able to perform a physical chore aren't that impressive, because it's the decisions and mental ability that create the danger. When the cognitive decline is in progress, it might not be safe for them to be around power tools, large equipment, etc. We have a family friend who had cognitive decline. She walked into the yard while her husband was cutting grass and right into the lawn mower. Her judgment about how far away it was and that it would cut you was off. She almost lost her foot due to this.
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If I was you, I would install a nanny cam in a central part of the house, like the kitchen, and another in the den. Not in a personal space where he may be naked, like the bathroom or bedroom, etc. That way you could check in on him from time to time to see that he hasn't fallen. And a smoke detector may be required by his home owners insurance. Newer ones give fewer false alarms than ones made 20 years ago.
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bectwin1,
My father has a will. He's kept it in a safety deposit box for years, along with other important papers. I've known this. About 30 years ago he told me about it.
3 years ago, his drivers license was taken away from the department of motor vehicles as his doctor had reported a change to his medical record: "Cognitive Impairment"
Since then I've driven him everywhere...a few weeks ago I drove him to his bank as he wanted to look at his safety deposit box. The folder with all his papers was there, but void of anything except a table of its contents that he had written. No will in sight.
I can only conclude that while he was still driving, he removed it. I seem to recall him saying that he "needed to make some changes"...
Now it can't be found anywhere.
I suspect that while he was still
driving, he was well into having memory issues. As his doctor told me, "Your father has hidden this well!"
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what I did for my parents who said they didn't need one also, I waited till I had to take them both to the doctor and my husband went into the house and put a few of them up and my parents have no idea they are there ....
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Ask your neighborhood firefighters if they can bring one by. They have been known to talk the sweet off of cotton candy.
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Have the local fire company come and they can tell him it is a code violation not to have one installed. many volunteer fire companies will even provide smoke detectors to residents not having them. Call the fire company and inquire if they will provide and/or install.
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The American Red Cross along with the local fire department will install smoke detectors free . They are self sealed and good for 10 years . All you have to do is call the fire department or local Red Cross .
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My 93 year old neighbor started a fire in his house. He lived there with his wife. He ended up dying from smoke inhalation. I think you have to tell your father, especially if his memory is affected, that there is no choice. Put the smoke detector on the ceiling in a spot he cannot reach. Get him Lifeline and tell him he has to wear the button around his neck. I had that for my mom before she moved into the nursing home when early signs of dementia were more noticeable and we realized she couldn't take care of herself. Fire hazards are serious. In cleaning out my mom's apartment, we found melted plugs in the wall and extensions. My brother in law got a bad shock trying to remove one from the wall. I'm sorry but a parent who is not showing good judgment needs oversight of some kind. If you love that parent then that's the right thing to do. We walked a very tough line with my mom, who's 89, about whether to let her continue living alone or not. She refused help in the house and we told her we were not comfortable with her living alone, not allowing people in to help her, and that we needed to know she's safe. My sister is a geriatrician and we still struggled about what to do because my mom is a lawyer and is very independent. At some point, we have to look at the bigger picture. I know someone said what's the big deal your parent is 96 and leave him alone. Safety is the most important thing. After my neighbor died in the fire, his children put his 98 year old wife back into the apartment after renovating it, but with live-in help. Good luck with your decision but don't be afraid to make it. You're doing it out of love.
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Let him be! Take a chill pill. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself to an early grave!
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The problem with smoke detectors is that they are installed up high where you can't reach them to turn them off, and they go off for the wrong reasons - if they are near a bathroom shower, if there is heat from the stove... their location is not often optimal but you have to put them somewhere. An elderly person often can not climb up on something and replace the batteries (9 volt - hard to replace anyway) or turn the thing off when it is beeping incessantly for no good reason. I don't like them. I don't blame an older person for not liking them. If no one is there when the thing goes off, what is an old person to do? I know they are important but a better design is needed.
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One thing I’ve heard used is an apprentice type situation. Find one or more young man or woman to bring into your dad’s life who needs to be “trained” by your dad to work in whatever trade or career your dad was in during his life. Then that person(s) can slowly start helping out with “chores” by saying “oh, let me help with that” then ultimately taking over the task completely. Of course, the people involved will need to go along with the plan. But it typically works out well if thought out and planned. Good luck!
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Thanks everyone for your insights and comments! I've never been "here" before. (My mother died of a heart attack.)
The smoke detector we installed is made by Nest. It will send an alert to my phone (and to any phone we designate). I figure I'd call 911 if I'm away. I, too, have thought that my elderly father might become very confused with a loud alarm going off. It's why I like the idea of a "smart" detector that communicates with us..
I purchased nanny cams but haven't placed them yet.
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Well, I took my mother out shopping while someone went in and did this, that, and the other thing - a number of things that had to be done - including taking out a lot of stuff I had bagged up and labelled. So that might work for dad who doesn't want a smoke detector. Have someone put it up while he's out of his house. He's 96, is he going to try to get a ladder and tools and try to take it down? If so, god bless, it's a good way to go out, being so independent and all.
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It is the law here to have smoke & CO2 detectors installed - my CO2 detector just plugs into a wall plug - check what law is were you are & get your dad the CO2 one as well - tell your dad that it's so YOU can sleep better at night & if you didn't love him so much it wouldn't bother you so much - shovel it on thick
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