My father and I have been extremely close throughout my entire life. However, as my father aged he became quite possessive of my time and space. No matter what I was doing he would interrupt. I would try to suppress my feelings, but after the third knock on my closed bedroom door in 10 minutes I sometimes got a little curt with him. However, I never spoke mean to him. He had some issues with toileting that drove my family crazy, and they wanted me to get after him, but I did not because I knew it might hurt his feelings. We went almost every where together, connected at the hip people would say. I bought everything he needed and wanted, took care of his health and medical needs, laundry, every meal but breakfast. The love we shared for each other was deeper than most father and daughters. He hugged each other, kissed good night and told each other we loved how much we loved each other. He told me every day how he thanked God that I was his daughter and that he appreciated all I did for him. He passed away after falling and breaking his hip, coming through surgery, then right in front of my eyes, in an instant he was gone. One minute he was awake and talking to me and the next minute he was gone. I had problems catching my breath, and immediately filled with guilt, it was my fault because of something I did not do relating to his care.
In the bereavement room my husband started on me about the cost it was going to be to have him cremated. No embrace, no so sorry honey, I know how much you loved him, and oh by the way I have to work late tonight and after I am home I am fixing Buds car. Home alone I came and the grief and guilt overwhelm me. We are devout Christians and I know my father is in Heaven. The next day my husband instructed me to go through all of my dad's papers and make calls and find out about finances, I could not do it, going in his room suffocated me. My daughters and grandson came home and have taken all the load of his funeral off of me. They are cooking, doing dishes, everything. Have told me to just grieve, but it is so hard, the grief overwhelms me. Getting dressed, brushing my teeth, taking a shower, I do not feel like doing anything and feel guilty about that. I am an RN so I intellectually I know the stages of grief, what we are supposed to do, but doing it, that is something different.
In less than a year I lost my 12 year old beloved dog, my mother in law married and I lost her help with my dad, then now my dad. How do I get over this guilt, let myself grieve, keep from just letting everything go? How do I get through the coming winter alone in my house when before all of this happened was already depressed from chronic pain? Many days I had gotten into the habit of just watching TV all day, and not doing anything but cooking dinner. I am going to go through some counseling, but how do I get motivated to do anything?
I had my mom for 15 years in my home. A marriage will be effected by this. Strong marriages survive, others fall apart.
All marriages take a hit, good and bad. I would not be a caregiver in my home again.
I am sad that I can’t ever get those years back. I feel that in many ways, they are ‘lost’ years.
If I had to do it over, I wouldn’t do it! It was too hard and changed the dynamic of the mother and daughter relationship. It also takes away privacy for a husband and wife.
I think it’s normal for the spouse to feel relief after the caregiver duties are over.
Of course it would be nice if your husband expressed condolences to you. That is common courtesy but his emotions are jumbled up right now too.
Both of you need time to adjust to this. Give yourselves some time.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and a bazillion hugs your way.
It is sad that your husband is not more supportive, but not everyone is able to show empathy or be there in a helpful way. It's good that someone is helping with paper work. That can be too much to deal with after a death, but there is no desperate rush. You will find most banks, financial institutions etc quite sympathetic and patient with sorting out paperwork.
Congratulate yourself when you are able to get out of bed, or put on your shoes, or wash a dish or take a shower. At least you did that one thing. Another day you will do another thing. That's enough for now.
Don't despair over the upcoming weeks and months. There are no "supposed to" rules for grief. Take your time. Be kind to yourself.
Keep in touch with the forum for support. It helps to tell your story even if we all have to do it remotely these days.
Sorry for your recent loss of your father.
And the loss of your beloved dog.
💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞
Do not blame yourself for anything. Be glad you were able to be close to your father and enjoy those years you did with him. A wonderful gift you gave each other. And he always knew it. That gift remains within your heart that no one or anything can take away from you.
Each day, take one step in front of the other. Be kind to yourself.
I am sure your father held your hand at times, so take one of your hands and grasp the other. Let the love of your Father be there for you at anytime you need comfort, he is always with you.
I am sending you hugs.❤️
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You sound like a wonderful daughter. We all get curt with those we love. Sometimes they do get on our nerves. So what? It's normal.
It must have been a shock to see him die suddenly when you did not expect it. But then, think of it as a blessing that you were with him at his last moment.
Only you can shake yourself out of your malaise. Again, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Can you afford to buy some interactive workout equipment. Working out is a great way to release endorphins and feel good hormones that will lift your mood.
As for your husband not being supportive....Very few spouses get along very well with their in-laws. A large percentage outright dislike them and another large percentage feel that they are a burden because they did not properly plan for their own old age.
When you go in his room, instead of allowing yourself to feel suffocated.. perhaps you can sit for awhile and try to feel his presence. Talk to him. Ask him to help you through your grief.
Lastly your husband is right, all the financial stuff needs to be taken care of sooner rather than later. He is just being practical.
You sound like a loving caring daughter.
Your description of your love between your father and yourself truly brought tears to my eyes. Our weary world needs more hearts like yours.
My heartfelt sympathy to you. Like you I was an RN and continue to fight the "black and blue dog of depression".
Truly I am so very sorry about your Dad's passing, I will pray for you to find the strength you need to get through each day and to be as gentle and kind with yourself as you are or have been for others. Not an easy task for a lifelong caregiver.
People grieve differently, there is no right or wrong answer in how you grieve nor how long you grieve. Most women have the built in nurturer to grapple with. Our self care comes last in a long line of people throughout our lives. After so long I think we simply accept the needs of others come before our own, which clouds our perceptions of what our needs are. Losing your father, your dog and in a sense your MIL has left a significant hole in your life.
Previous posts offered great suggestions about moving forward in your life slowly. Now is not the time to make a big decision in your life, especially in regard to your marriage. The gentleman that wrote about his feelings and experiences in his marriage can be a great resource for you in understanding your husband's detached behavior towards you. Enmeshment is quite common in families. In fact three generations living within the same household wasn't unusual until the end of WWII.
Counseling would hopefully help you and your husband to come back together at some point. But right now, your own wellbeing is crucial, whatever gets you through each day, each hour, each minute is what matters. If you find yourself having difficulty with that, maybe it's time to consider an appointment with your GP for feedback and referral. They say, "Doctors and Nurses make the worst patients" for good reason. Ask for advice from your family or friends, people that know you best. Ask for your Dad's help.
You can't just stop feelings. Guilt is part of loss. You gave your father excellent care, he shared his gratitude with you. Yet, we hold ourselves to these impossible standards. This is the time to go easy on you. Go easy on your husband too, he's still there with you. And maybe in a few months or a year you will begin to accept that you did the very best you could.
And I wholeheartedly agree with another suggestion on adopting another dog or puppy. As a former animal shelter worker I can attest that there is a dog that needs a loving home but perhaps give it a little more time. That's a big responsibility to take on, which you probably know already. You have so much love to give, you will know when the time is right. I wish you blessings upon blessings and thank you for sharing. Take Care.
Give yourself time to sort out your feelings, get the business of death over with (notifications, cremations, etc). SEEK support groups if your husband will not help; once you get back on your feet I would think twice about staying married to him.
My husband was very supportive all the while caring for my mom for years and years and years and when she died I was devastated and he was there. I could not have made it through without him. My mom never did like him, but as my mom's Alzheimer's progressed mom depended on me more and more until I was her lifeline 100% of the time. She depended on me for YEARS and YEARS. I kept her going. I walked her everyday for 5 years in the park even with specialized walkers that cost me a fortune. She was only bedridden for 2-1/2 months only because she could not focus on the task of walking. She had a feeding tube because I did not want her to die of dehydration which can take weeks. Because I love mom so much and he would see how much she means to me, he was 100% supportive and helped me with her care. He grew to love her because he lost his mom, and I"m telling you I could have survived without his help and support. I was never apart from my mom the very moment I was born until her death. That is how much she means to me. I do NOT use the past tense because she died because I still love her even though I lost her a year ago and it still hurts--but I learned to ADAPT to this loss as apart of life, because we all are born and must die, and only the living suffer. Mom's ordeal of life is over. She is forever free and even transcended death; nothing can harm her. That is comforting for me.
Mom died amazingly pain free and I never had to give her a single drop of narcotics or psychotropics; hospice never had to break open the "comfort pack" as I basically used them like a home clinic. I made them do labs, and reorder her routine meds (insulin and lopressor--that's all she was on). I kept her needs met, put her on a bowel schedule..she was good! SHE died of OTHER natural causes not related to her Alzheimer's so even if she didn't have Alzheimer's she would have died anyway, so I had nothing to do with her death. I did all I could for her.
She lived to be 90 with 20 years of Alzheimer's--AND she was an insulin-dependent diabetic!
The price of love is grief. When we lose someone we deeply love it is going to hurt, and it never goes away. But you will learn to adapt to this.
BUT my husband married me KNOWING FULL WELL my mom was my entire world. And he was always supportive and helpful. I'm going to stick with him as long as he lives and if need be I'll take care of him like I did my mom, and I will never again marry. Now that is how much he means to me, and he knows that too. But he sure does miss my mom too. To be honest I think he feels more secure married to me. He seen how much I cared for my mom, and he knows he will get same love & care should it come down to that.
that is the price of us getting older. Our loved ones die off
Your husband must have built a life of his own while you had a relationship with your Dad. His unsupportive, even strange response may have been a way to protect his life he made. He has boundaries. Gave you notice immediately that he won't be there for you now.
Changing your expectations of him overnight will probably scare him off.
You have quite a bit of work to do, slowly, to win him back, imo. Still, it wasn't intentional on your part. This marriage can be fixed. If that is still what you want.
So sorry for your loss, and your shock that your Dad has died. There is time for you to grieve, and rest, and rebuild a life now. To focus only on your marriage, only to be rebuffed is a mistake. Feel better. Just be. Slowly become what you want for yourself.
Fix yourself up post caregiving. Get your hair done, a new outfit. etc. Take it slow and careful.
There are few things missing. How old are you and your husband? I assume 50+??
How long have you and your husband been married? I assume 20+ years??
I am stunned how often I see this kind of issue on this web site. At least once a week.
You and and your father had what they call an emeshed relationship. No boundaries, no borders, no space between the two ofyou. Which meant there was no room for your husband. Sometimes it was called not cutting the apron strings. You have had an extreme inbalance here
To qualify I am 64 yr old. After a 30 yr marriage I have been apart now divorced from my wife for 3 years. In the last 15 years or so of our marriage my wife turned all her attention and energy toward her parents (mostly her Mother) Suddenly I found myself in the back seat of her life. I will tell you from personal experience there is NOTHING more degrading, more humilating, demolishing of your self esteem then when your spouse puts someone else ahead of you. For a short period during an illness that is different. What you describe is close to what I had to live with with my wife and her parents. In my case her parents mostly her Mother took this change in favor her daughter had and rubbed my face in every chance she got. She took FULL advantage of her Daughters blind obligation to her.
My guess here is your husband has penned up anger about the way he has been treated in the last several years. Put yourself in his shoes.. How would you feel if it had been the other way around?
Your question "how do I get motivated to do anything"
The first thing you need to do is decide if you still want to be married and your husband needs to decide this to.
Any shrink, minister, priest, rabbi, etc will tell you the needs of the marriage need to be the priority relationship for both of you. When this does not occur it is almost impossible for anything else to work out.
If this marriage is important to you I urge you to, today, NOT tomorrow or next week you and your husband together find a therapist, your minister, someone trained to help you thru this and get your marriage back on track.
Some books UI suggest:
Dr Gottman The seven principles for making a marriage work
Dr Gottman has written several books on marriage really excellent stuff.
Stephen Kendrick The Love Dare
A great program for rebuilding is called Retrouvaille www.helpour marriage.org.
This is a catholic program run by lay people. NO priests are involved. If you both want to rebuild this is an amazing program.
If I had my way we would still be married. But my wife was soo blinded by her relationship with her Mother she could NEVER see or understand the damage this did to me. Everything was my fault. You cant build a bridge if only one of you wants the bridge.
Good luck
In retrospect, was your husband always a little on the cold, nonsupportive side? Zebra stripes don't usually change over the years. Maybe you were expecting something from him that he really never gave you. Don't grieve that part. Accept it as who he is and who he's always been. Look to those who have those qualities when a little comfort and kindness is what you need. Bless you as you move forward. And PS - go get yourself another dog. There is a dog sitting in a shelter who needs the same kind of love that you do right now.
I would recommend that you connect with a grief group like GriefShare, but your grief seems especially crippling. Please consider getting individual counselling and maybe see a psychiatrist to help you through this traumatic event.
Every person is different in processing loss so please don't guilt trip those around you who are processing their grief differently.
When my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, things were easier. She was like a child. When my sister said it was time for our mother to go to memory care, I saw my mother 4 times a week. When she died, her caretakers told me that I had done everything I could and not to feel guilty. It took years again, but I’m happy again. Trusting in the Lord has helped me through trials since my parents’ death. Read the psalms. Many of them are comforting.
You did everything you could for your father. Talk to a minister too. God bless you, Dawn. Take it easy on yourself. Do a few things a day that gave you pleasure before. Reading helped me. I’ll be praying for you. Know that we all grieve differently. Don’t be hard on yourself. Take it day by day, that’s all there is. Faith, Hope and Peace, Christa
I have read your profile. It seems that you have been a caregiver for the majority of your life, both personally and professionally.
I think when you've been a caregiver, especially when you have done it over a long period of time, when that responsibility is over it leaves a huge, gaping hole in your life. I don't think it matters is you willingly took on caregiving, or if it was thrust upon you through circumstance. Often times, the responsibility ends abruptly, leaving the caregiver a little shell shocked. If the caregiving ends due to a death, now you're not only dealing with the new "normal" of no more day-to-day caring, but also with the hole left by the death of your loved one. It's no wonder that you can't seem to settle or focus. I'm sure your life was a series of tasks and chores every day, and now, there is no more need for you to do those tasks. I'm in the same boat, with my mom passing I find myself thinking about the time of day and what I "have" to do now - get mom breakfast, give mom meds, etc. I wake up every day and look at the clock thinking I have to get her breakfast, and then I remember there is no need for that anymore. So I understand a lot of the emotions you're feeling.
I have found, for myself anyway, that if I give myself 1-2 small things to do each day ("today. I'll rearrange the coat closet; today, I'll "winterize" my garden; etc) it helps keep me focused and moving forward. Maybe that will help you, along with the therapy you say you will seek (which I think is a phenomenal idea).
Now for the sticky wicket about your husband. I don't presume to know how he felt about you putting yourself out for all of these years taking care of all the people that you did - mom and dad, MIL, kids and grandkids - but I think if you have a good relationship with him, there is nothing wrong in asking him for the comfort you need from him. "I'm felling very sad about all the loss we have suffered this past year, and I could really use a hug." It doesn't have to be nasty or confrontational. Some people just don't know how to share grief - anywhere from they either feel that no one would possibly understand what they're going through to they don't think their grief is worthwhile and no one will care. But I think you might both need to share your grief with each other.
I hope you can find some peace and comfort going forward as you deal with your losses.
I'm not sure where your guilt is coming from. Sounds like you made your fathers life a whole lot easier for the last almost 10 years. What are you feeling guilty about? That you're not God, and didn't have the final say as to when he was to go to his heavenly home? I like what AlvaDeer said about staying in guilt to avoid grief. There's definitely truth in that statement. And you don't want to stay in any misplaced guilt and not get through the grieving process healed and whole. So order the book "Healing after Loss" like MJ1929 suggested, and just take as much time as you need to grieve. I am going to do the same, as I am grieving the loss of my dear husband of 26 years, who died 8 weeks ago, and like you struggling to put my life back together. It's not easy, but with God's help we both can heal, and be the people that He created us to be. May God bless you and keep you. May His face shine upon you, and may He give you His peace.
You are so lucky to have had this love. When I miss my bro I don't take that loss to my husband, my children, my friends; basically I take it to my bro in long letters I decorate with collage of the desert he loved, the quotes we shared, the memories. I tell him what's going on. I am an atheist, so in my mind he doesn't "hear me" but it is a comfort for me, gives me reason to remember him, his goodness, our love, and all we shared, and then to be there for the living. Remember, guilt is for felons; grief, sadly is for you. Your Dad was worth mourning. I am so sorry for your loss. But I do believe that you have this, that you will make wise choices, and remember, habits are easily formed, and much more than we know is "choice". Hugs out to you. Remember that tears heal and cleanse us.
Since you're talking about your daughters helping in the present tense, I assume your father's death was quite recent. Understand that grief doesn't just magically go away in a specified amount of time or in my case, rear its head right away. I was so exhausted from caring for both of my parents, but after my dad died I had to arrange a memorial service, find a nursing home for my mom, move her, take over her finances, and move home myself that I never shed a tear for my beloved dad until seven months after he died.
Grief has no timetable and affects us all differently. Rather than worry about how long it's taking to get over it, try working through it more. Consider journaling, going through some of your dad's things bit by bit, and just letting the process work. It takes time.