Fecal incontinence, bidets and toilet wands are not an option. Any advice?

I don’t know of anything else but I have a few questions for you.

Do you think that you could get used to the idea of cleaning him?

Even if you could do it, how long do you think that you could endure it?

Is it possible to hire someone to help? Or perhaps place him in a facility?

Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.

I'd just use dad's funds to hire a weekend caregiver for all day Sat and Sun. Your choice dad, that or managed care, bc you can't do this toilet care yourself and that's THE ONLY OPTION is to have him cleaned properly by a caregiver. What we want in old age is not always what we NEED. Time to make some changes now.

Good luck

Until such time as robots are developed for this task, personal assistance is required :(

It becomes tricky at home unless the bowel routine is quite stable ie BM in the am when caregiver is present. Otherwise, as you noted, he may stay as is (less than ideally cleaned up) until the next caregiver (or yourself) arrives.

Staying home *as long as possible* is often the goal. It is not always a clear line between what IS - what ISN'T possible...

The trade offs off moving into a care home/group living: possible quicker toileting assistance vs loss of familiar home..

Maybe with weekend support you can extend living at home a little longer?

Eventually dad is going to need to go into a facility. It sounds like it is beyond that time since he has more issues than just fecal incontinence.

You can keep killing yourself trying to delay the inevitable or start preparing dad for the move into a care facility. There are no good or easy answers in this situation.

If he has the money by all means hire round the clock care at home if it is possible.

Old age is a cruel joke on all human beings.

And it's not even just cleaning him after the bowel movement it iften involves cleaning bedding or clothing they arecwesring so it's a never ending chore of doing all that and dealing with feces which can spread many diseases.

I dont think i could ever get used to or want to see my parents private parts.

Most people find incontinence to be the straw that broke the camels back, and end up placing their loved one in the appropriate facility as it just gets to be too much for them to deal with.
And that's ok. Everyone knows what they can and cannot do, and there does come a point where it's just best to let the trained professionals do the job.
I had to clean up after my late husband pooped for several years and didn't mind, but I can't imagine having to do the same for my father.

This is when someone needs make that NEEDS to be IN the bathroom with him helping him as he needs it.
If he is resistant to your help then another caregiver needs to be with him for help.

As said, he now needs help in this area. I used Huggie Wipes for babies. They are big, thick and gentle on skin. Just don't flush them. I had a little covered trash can I lined with a plastic bag to throw the soiled ones in.

To prevent UTIs, yes he needs to be clean. He also needs to drink plenty of water to help flush out bacteria. He needs to void completely. Cranberry tablets help to prevent them in conjunction with a probiotic. D-Mannose (suggested by a member) also helps prevent a UTI and I read may help clear it up. Better to try and prevent than to keep taking anti-biotics that eventually the bacteria is resistant to.

I had to toilet my Mom. I give aides so much credit. Not a job I would want to do. I would not have taken care of my Dad if I had to toilet or bath him. He would have been in a NH as soon as his care became an intimate thing and I was expected to do it. The only male I would considering doing this for is my husband.

I’ve been doing nearly all of my father’s diaper changes for a few months now as a result of not being able to place him into an appropriate facility. At first, it was difficult, but I thought this was a task that I, as his family, was morally obligated to do. I was so very wrong!

Never mind the endless inventory management & costs of different diapers, wipes, towels, creams, etc. Having to scrub down my father’s private parts even just 2 to 3 times a day is daunting, exhausting & truly irregular.

I try to do most of his diaper changes on the bed. But if it’s too much of mess I will get him into the shower & scrub him down there first. It’s a lot of physical labor & even though I always wear gloves, my hands are cracked with dryness from washing all the time.

IMHO, no father of worth would put their daughter into the position of having to perform diaper changes & daily wash downs for any length of time. After having done it, and am still doing it, my perspective of my father has completely shifted. I dread my existence. My life is just a series of old man excrement cleanings. Don’t look to any so-called medical professionals to offer empathy or sympathy or support- unless they’ve been elbow & knees deep in an elderly father’s literal sh*#, they can’t comprehend your suffering. So many times I’ve enquired about better techniques for cleaning, only to be met with shrugs & blank stares from nurses & doctors. And the In-Home Caregivers will conveniently not want to work for “difficult clients” & thanks to the labor shortages, can avoid such situations easily.

The best advice I can offer is to get your dad placed into a facility asap. You must prioritize yourself, especially when no one else will. It only gets worse.

Yesterday my father decided to be helpful & tried to empty his own catheter bag while I picked up groceries. When I arrived back to his condo the smell of piss was unbelievable. He forgot to close the spout & peed all over his condo. I spent my NYE moping up his piss… Seriously, it only gets worse.

Could he handle showering if he had a shower chair & a good pull-down nozzle? I know you said it's hard to find help but sometimes things come in batches of success or no luck. I recommend searching anew for a male care giver, even an independent one. Try advertising on a community college bulletin board, whether online or in person, of course checking references and Googling them to make sure they are real people.

My mom didn’t want to go to a facility. However, we asked her to please look and we made appointments. She was happily surprised and liked the privacy of her own place. We did get her a caregiver for daily care. 4 hours a day. It is a win win. She has privacy, still gets showers, at least 2 meals eaten daily, companionship, lotions applied, walking and exercise. When she moved in, we put in a bidet. She is so weak she cannot work it but the caregivers use it every time. She gets front and back cleaned with warm water and the seat is heated. The dryers is warm air. She went in when we had scheduled time with other family members out of state. She liked it so much, she wanted to stay and not lose her apartment. Now she has transitioned to memory care and we kept the caregivers and bidet. She is aware and mobile. Highly recommend the bidet. We use genie bidet (someone on this site recommended it). We ordered from Amazon.

As a son taking care of his Mom, it was uncomfortable at first when the time came that she needed more assistance going to the bathroom. She very rarely complained when I wiped her behind and put Calmoseptine on to prevent pressure ulcers. This happened three times a day, and more if needed (Clean pull-ups everytime). Most of the time I would give her wipes or a warm cloth to clean her front, but sometimes I helped. With the pull-ups, I would say, "You pull-up the front, I'll pull-up the the back." The process worked.

Many times I asked her, "Do you mind that I do this?" Her response was "No." She was always an independent woman, and I suspect it did bother her somewhat. What made things easier was having a portable commode in the bedroom, with some pads placed underneath in case there was an accident. Clean pads and sheets on the bed daily. Exhausting work, but worth it knowing she was as clean as possible.

This thread keeps popping up so I'm going to bring up what I wondered from the start - just why isn't the bidet toilet seat an option? The OP says he isn't able to manipulate "those long toilet wiping wands" and a hand held bidet wand would be similar, but the bidet toilet seats do all the work with just the turn of a switch or push of a button🤔

call an ambulence the next time he is very sick and let the hospital place him.....do not volunteer to take him home!!!

Honestly the best advice I can give is to at least start your search for an assisted living community. Involve him in the process if you can, i.e. after you have toured a few places narrow it down to 2 and have him join you on a second tour of the community. Make sure the sales person there has some info about dad's interests so they can customize the tour experience for him. Once he sees that he is around people his own age that are somewhat active and may be experiencing some similar needs he may feel more comfortable about moving. You can always present the idea of moving into a community as something to try for now and see how it goes. Give it a month to 6 weeks and he will be settled in a routine and you can have your normal relationship with him, not a caregiver relationship.

Nursing Home!

AnnPanel: This may be beyond the scope of what you can handle in the home setting, especially despite your best efforts, your father's skin is breaking down with problems and U.T.I.s.

What you need is a super strong bidet that can pressure wash the toughest job, but I don't know if that has been invented yet. Wish I have better ideas.

I hated toilet duties but I had to do it. There was no one else. I used the postpartum long necked squirt bottles to spray and clean. Those worked better than the weak sprays from the bidet.

Incontinence should equal facility.

Especially fecal incontince.

No exceptions. Go straight to nursing home. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Honestly , the toilette seat bidet has been a blessing for my husband, I check occasionly but there is never any time he is not totally clean. My husband wears a Foley permanently. I can only recommend the TOTO with the handheld remote. Best money invested.

If he can bend his knees, try an extra large dishpan in the shower floor ( an 18l vs. a 12l).
Then you can use soap, sudsy water
Good luck.🙃