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Please see my profile for details. My grandmother is 101, totally dependent upon my parents for her care, and they all live at home. Both she and my mother have had significant health problems over the past five years, and I have watched my mother become weaker and more feeble, while my grandmother hangs onto life with the tenacity of someone who will never let go. Mom is her only child.


I have grown children, a son in high school, a wonderful husband and a job that overwhelms me, but I don’t see any alternatives yet. COVID has taken a huge toll on my mental health, and I want to retire early and start a new job doing something that I actually like. I feel absolutely trapped in a holding pattern, and guilty. My parents are becoming more enfeebled, and it’s just a matter of time before they will need more caretaking. I feel resentful of my grandmother, but also of my parents who will not set boundaries with her, to their detriment. I also feel the crushing weight of expectation bearing down on me. I deal with depression and chronic pain, and this isn’t helping.

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I have been reading the posts on this site for a few days, and there seems to be the same trends. People burned out, tired, feeling manipulated, taken advantage of, etc. etc.
You have a choice about whether you will be manipulated or not.
You have a choice about whether you will be taken advantage of.
You must decide to set boundaries with whomever is trying to manipulate or take advantage of you. YOU choose what you will do!

BOUNDARIES!!
Hospice care can be very useful. My wife has PSP and is physically disabled and is afflicted with dementia at an increasing rate. My parents are in their 90's-one in a nursing home, the other becoming more and more frail and forgetful, still living at home 2 miles from me. We have varying degrees of neediness from our adult children, and raised our autistic grandson for 9 years until he became a danger to my wife. So, boundaries are very important for my situation.
Set them and hold to them now and forever.
Inheritances are a GIFT, to be given if the giver so desires and is able to do so. They are not a part of your life and should not be thought about until and if they are in your hand. I do not expect it from my parents, and my kids better not expect it either.
This may sound harsh, but we all have to survive. We cannot help our less fortunate family members if we are sick, worn out, resentful and on and on.
Be clear with your family members about what you will and will not do. If siblings are not helping but raise hell with you about how you are helping, give them the choice to put up or STFU. Guilt has no part of any of this unless you did something awful that you should feel guilty about.
Be strong.
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OnlyDaughte2Gen,
Know that you aren't alone. I see so many people here going through similar and I am also going through the same realizing my Elderly loved one is going to need more care than I can deal with. Sadly, he has a personality that has always been bossy, fault finding and condescending to name a few and I get the worst of it in comparison to other Family members. Being around him is a a challenge and has a toxic effect for me that along with other life situations I am dealing with; sent me u expectedly to the ER via ambulance early this month. I am thankful to the Medical team for taking care of me to get out of the danger zone that same night. I have no one who will take my place at Home so I can not be sick.
The best helpful advice I can share is to please take care of your health first and get help with the depression and chronic pain. I have depression and chronic pain too but I don't take antidepressants anymore since the only thing they did was make me lethargic , zombie-like and gain a lot of weight. You can start a new career just make the plan. The positive side is that you have a good Husband to talk to and support you. Good Luck.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2021
Morethanthat1,

Drop your elderly "loved one" off at a hospital ER, tell them you need a Social Admit and that you are unable to continue being his caregiver and that you refuse to continue.
Then walk away. Caregiving is not worth your life either.
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OnlyDaughter,

I'm glad to hear you're not giving it all up and shortening your life to be a nanny-slave to your elderly family. Your kids will thank you for not letting yourself be vulnerable to the manipulation of guilt-trips and for not being a martyr.
You're setting a good example of love for your kids by not allowing yourself to be made a martyr like your parents. This shows them that you think they're important. That you want them to live their own lives and pursue their own dreams because you will never expect them to give it all up for caregiving. God bless you.

Nothingleft,

Thank-you for your kind words and for understanding. I wish you knew my friend. He was the most beautiful person I ever knew. His family looked down on him because he was gay. In their culture that is totally unacceptable. I miss and grieve losing him more than any member of my own family who has passed. That's how good he was.
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OnlyDaughter,

I'm responding to your comment lower on the thread about your parents wanting to leave property inheritance to their kids and grandkids.
There's really only two choices. If you want to go back to living your life and stopping keeping all the things you want to do on ice until everyone dies, potential inheritance has to be forgotten about. Or you stay and try to wait it out.
It's not worth it. My good friend thought very much as you do. He was the live-in caregiver to his mother for over ten years. He had to quit his job three years in as her caregiver. I knew this family for a long time. His mother was a nasty, cruel, narcissistic and needy bully on her best day. Add some dementia to that and I'm sure you can get a picture.
Anyway, my friend became a nanny-slave. His entire life was just mom's hysterics, fight-picking, and misery. A non-stop state of permanent crisis and drama with a side-show of incontinence and hoarding. Moving to any kind of senior community was out of the question with her. She adamantly refused any kind of homecare services too. I even offered to work for her to help my friend a little bit. The whole family was on board with the idea but mother wasn't. She only wanted her son and her family obeyed her. So my friend's life as a nanny-slave began.
My friend and his out-of-town siblings who did absolutely nothing to help with the caregiving, wanted to preserve inheritance for themselves and their kids (my friend didn't have kids). Their mother had a nice place and other assets. They didn't want to see it all get handed over to a nursing home and rightly so. Nursing homes and care facilities do take it all.
My friend dropped dead of a heart attack when he was 55 years old. The slavery he lived in caused him to just give up on life. He became active in the addictions of smoking and drinking again that he worked so hard to put out and keep out of his life. Prior to becoming a slave he had lost over 115 pounds. Not with weight-loss surgery but on his own and kept it off for 13 years. He put it all back on and then some.
The only glimmer of hope this once beautiful man, my friend, had left to him was that his elderly mother wouldn't live forever.
He died four years ago. The miserable old baggage is still here, clinging to life harder than a blood-sucking tick on the back of a dog. Living in a nursing home on Medicaid. Her kids placed her about a month after he died.
All the assets were spent down for her care and my friend is gone.
It's not worth your life to potentially preserve some assets for inheritance. Your life is more valuable.
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OnlyDaughte2Gen Dec 2021
Yikes.

Brass tacks: I will never take care of grandma, if something were to happen to my mom. My father used to be more resistant to her dependency and neediness when I was a child, but he’s been fully sucked into the martyr caregiving role. If his health fails, all 3 of them will need full time nursing care. I visit, but I don’t do hands on stuff like diapers. I’ll bring meals from time to time, and help with household stuff if they let me. It’s a big control issue, and they’re all very proud and don’t want to lose autonomy. I get hysterical calls when grandma falls, and they can’t pick her up off the floor, and they don’t want to call 911. That’s happened more times than I can count.

My mom is bullied by my grandmother, and she refuses to put her into a home. I’d do it in a heartbeat, I don’t care how much she complained or manipulated us. There’s just no way I’m doing that for decades. I don’t think my mom wants that for me. I believe my father has different expectations about family obligations, but we’re going to have to sort this out.

As for my brother and my kids and nieces/nephews, I expect they’re going to have to adjust their expectations if nursing care winds up hoovering up all of the assets. My folks have been more than generous with them all, myself included, all along.
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Hi Gen. Allow me to answer the question directly about the holidays.

If you come for Christmas with the family, you don't have to make Grandma the center of conversation. The whole purpose of these really is to bring everyone together so that everyone can talk about their own lives, not just her.

If she acts up/gets cranky then that's your cue to leave. And I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do about the Queen. She's like acting like Elizabeth in there with your parents, and everyone's waiting for her to expire, and she's trying to pretend that it'll be anything but like a burden off everyone's backs. She is, to everyone, and it doesn't appear that she's being one bit less of a fundamental narcissist in doing it. Only such a person would have put their child and the person they married in such a position.

I don't blame you for being mad, but try to see it as a family occasion and just that. Y'all will have more time after she goes.
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rovana Dec 2021
I agree - enjoy what you can, talk to the people you want to and just leave when you want to. Why should a holiday have such expectations? Aren't holidays supposed to be enjoyable?
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OnlyDaughte2Gen: Imho, your grandmother has seemingly controlled this dynamic. It is important that YOU take care of yourself, else you fall faint and ill and may be good to no one. Please seek help via a medical professional for your depression. Do NOT allow your mental health to worsen!
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The beauty of life is that we all get to make our own choices. Let your parents make theirs. You should be proud of them.

On the other hand, you have no obligation to care for anyone. Time spent resentful is life wasted.

Find that new career that you desire now instead of waiting. With every passing day, we are all headed toward our own finish line. In light of your health challenges, don’t miss out on the opportunities of which you are dreaming.
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LoopyLoo Dec 2021
Why should she be proud of them for letting grandmother ruin her mother’s health?
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As an only child, whose father died before my mom went into decline, with an Alzheimer's diagnosis (began in her motor area; her neurologist said, "She will be completely bedridden before she is completely out of her mind") I felt the ceiling crash in on Me, stunned, overwhelmed with what to do, how to do, etc. My mom was determined to never go into a 'home' so I knew this type of diagnosis would compound the caretaking. And your parents are becoming one of those kinds of caretakers who just might die before the aged person; don't join that club. Contact every possible agency for the aged in your parents' area for resources, help, advice, and support for your parents and for You. I lived several states away from my mom, so had to do a lot, a lot, 'long distance', because over time my mom was very isolated, no real friends, and any cousins in her area kept their distance because of her difficult personality. There was one lady mom had hired to do light housekeeping who stepped up to be my 'eyes and ears' with mom, plus I'd found a top elder lawyer for the legal aspects, and I was advised by mom's area Council for Aged. No matter what we 'wish' was different we simply just have to deal with the 'what is', kind of like the old 'hippie' saying 'Be Here Now', in a sense: outline the facts, lessen the 'pressure spots', preserve your own mental and physical health, get help for your parents in practical ways even if they resist, and then trust Nature to take its course. No one needs to be a martyr nor a 'sacrificial lamb' even to blood relatives: do not drain yourself, stick to the practical. In my mom's case, it was tricky at times but there was also an amazing sense of things falling into place, not 'ideal' but Good Enough Given The Situation. All the best for all concerned, yourself included. Let this give you a 'bird's eye view' of how to set up your own life going forward, especially since you may also be needing to 'design' your parents' decline without ruining your health, limiting your life to the point of exhaustion and depression.
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I am in a similar situation. Although mine is a little different. I rescued my mother from my sister and her family from Elder Abuse, after I was found by a Hospital Social Worker. My sister and her family are being charged and it's been tied up in court going on 2 years. They took everything my mother had. I am left with a bedridden, unable to do anything for herself, mother who refuses out of fear to go to a nursing home, plus we do not have the funds to put her there. I pay out of my pocket from my small retirement, for sitters while I work a very demanding job, and come home to start changing diapers, brushing teeth, feeding, moving, covering, uncovering, scratching, messaging my mother. She has Congestive Heart failure. I have been doing this for 1 1/2 years now, with failing health myself, heart troubles, depression, in the need of two knee replacements, arthritic hands, and just had full hysterectomy. I never see my family because they too, are angry what keeping my mother has done to me. My retirement dwindling down to almost nothing. So I work to be able to leave the house to pay the sitters. I am dealing with a slow court system for prosecution, no one wants to help, Medicaid will not help, because of our situation, VA still hasn't done anything, and I see no way out but for me to consider taking myself out. I have a wonderful husband, but he carries on with his life. I want my life back but I love my mother, and she's very manipulative. She makes me feel bad about wanting a life, after she put her mother in a nursing home, and she traveled! And she keeps telling me how sorry she is and how wonderful I am. The changing of the diapers all day long, 7 poop diapers yesterday! It's very hard on me. And to be a coward and say I want to take myself out is just what I want to do. That would be my only way out of this misery. No one will help us. Our church family only helps those who are of the elite of the congregation, or those who are so poor and put it out there for all to see. My mother is 84 and I am 61 with an 80 year old body. I just give up, and there are no answers that I have found. Everyone keeps saying your a better person than me, I would not do that, well I don't want to either, I just have no choice but the unfavorable one.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2021
Why won't Medicaid help with long term care for your mother in a Skilled Nursing Facility so you don't have to contemplate suicide as your only way out of this situation???? If she 'refuses to go out of fear', you can STILL place her, there are ways to do it, but you will need Medicaid to pay her way. Is it b/c the case is tied up in court?

The National Suicide Hotline number is 800-273-TALK (8255)

I'm so sorry you are going through such a terrible situation. Please call the number above and let someone help you. Hugs.
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You’ve already received sound advice from others. I’ll just encourage you to prioritize your own health and well being. Your parent’s choices are their own, leave that alone and look out for your own family. I hope you get that new, more peaceful job
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How about if you stop beating yourself up with guilt about not doing enough?
I don't know you, but I know nobody deserves that. You do not deserve it either. You are not the one who made your parents nanny-slaves to your grandmother. They chose that. You did not make that choice for them.
They allowed grandmother's neediness to become tyranny and refused to establish any kind of boundaries with her and now they suffer.
That's not on you. That's on them.
Also, you're not the cause of your parents increasing feebleness. Nor are you supposed to be the cure for it.
All three (mom, dad, and grandmother) need hired homecare help, yet they refuse. That's not your fault.
They chose a boundary-free life of servitude to your grandmother's neediness. You didn't.
You are allowed to choose your life too. If you want to retire early and move away with your family, I say more power to you.
Tell your parents you will help them arrange homecare services for all three of them. Offer to bring them to look at care facilities for your grandmother too.
Then your job is done. If they want remain living as nanny-slaves to your grandmother, leave them to their own devices and get on with your life.
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Oh, I am so very sorry. My dad is also 101 and seems to want to keep himself alive just because it's killing me. The only child issue weighs heavy on us, doesn't it? And if you're like me you were always compliant and helpful and felt that family obligation to be "good." I wish I had the magic words to tell you it will be ok if you only do this or only do that or when your grandmother dies things will change but they aren't going to. I think we only children have huge difficulty in setting boundaries with people. We didn't learn to stand up for ourselves within our families because our parents held all the power. Setting boundaries with my father has been something I have learned to do very late in my life. It's not easy and not without guilt, but is necessary. It's necessary for you also. Don't let anyone think that you will be their caretaker or your grandmother's caretaker. Be polite but firm. Don't let anyone put their expections onto you. Don't be available every time they call you for help. It's not selfish to have a life and don't let them guilt you into giving up your life and your family's life for them. Tell them that you'll help them find assisted living or get your grandmother signed up for medicaid and into a nursing home but do these things on your terms. You will not transition to the caretaker role. You see your reaction to your parents lack of boundaries with your grandmother and you need to set an example for your children.
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Your parents have submitted to grandma's demands at every turn, agreeing to live in a tiny cottage & waiting on her hand & foot while she lives like a queen in the Big House. They're truly living like servants, in the servants quarters, while withering away themselves due to their duties to grandma who can live another few years with this level of care.

You can't change THAT dysfunctional dynamic, nor should you try to; it's too late. Don't bother trying to figure out how to get her into a SNF, either, that is something that should have happened years ago but didn't. What you CAN do is decide right now what YOU are going to do and not do for your parents once grandma dies. That's of utmost importance. Are you going to move into their home or into (God forbid 'the cottage') to continue this family dynamic into the future? Or are you going to let them know that you are not available to be their hands-on caregiver at all? That you can help them with finances or help them get into managed care of some kind and be their lifelong advocate, but that you are not cut out to be the person who comes into their home to do adult brief changes, showers, feedings, etc. If you set down these boundaries NOW, there will be no surprises LATER and that will force your parents to make plans for their old age independently.

That's what I did with my folks. As an only child, I grew up in a very dysfunctional household where my grandmother lived with us. It ruined my childhood and it ruined my mother's mental health. She and I developed a very strained relationship as a result and I made the decision at a very young age that I'd never, ever take them into my home to live with me. I stuck to my guns and I'm very happy I did b/c my mother is now 95 years old next month with advanced dementia and hanging onto life just like your grandmother is. I'd be dead right now if I'd have taken her into my home. My marriage would be over and so would my life. The best thing I ever did was to place my folks in Assisted Living back in 2014 where they have been well cared for ever since (dad passed in 2015). When mom's $$$ runs out, I'll apply for Medicaid to have her cared for in Skilled Nursing.

It's not wrong to plan YOUR future now. You see where this situation has gotten your folks. You have learned where you do NOT want to be down the road yourself. Learn from their mistakes. It's fine to love your parents but choose not to do any hands-on care for them and grow to resent them in the process b/c you've given up your life by doing so. Your life AND your family's lives too, don't forget. It's them you have to think about as well. Make your plan and then stick to it. Your folks will own quite a bit of property once grandma passes which can be sold to finance their stay in managed care if/when it becomes necessary, or sold off to some degree to finance in-home care by CNAs and caregivers that aren't YOU.

Wishing you the best of luck carving out your own future.
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OP, I think you need to settle these "unspoken expectations" with your parents, particularly that which says that when Grandma finally dies, they'll be moving into the big house and you'll "get" the little one. With that nice big fear, obligation and guilt of having to take care of them for what sounds like the next quarter century. Care that will devolve from "just helping out" to 24/7 neediness. And they will always be the boss in that landlord situation. Even if YOU needed to liquidate for Medicaid for YOURSELF, you could not. Who then do you expect to help you let alone them? Your child who might then have a spouse and their own children if they do not already?

It's like some posters have said, it's a dysfunctional cycle.
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OnlyDaughte2Gen Dec 2021
Hi PeggySue,

My family won’t “get” the little house when grandma passes. We have our own home in the same town. I do take your point about not winding up in the same situation if we should need to liquidate for Medicaid ourselves one day.

We would like to sell our house and move, and several factors are making us wait, this situation with my family being the biggest one.

It actually comes to mind that the small house would be an excellent rental property for my parents, for extra income and potentially even if they could make housekeeping/ some handyman work part of the rent, even some basic caregiving services if we could find the right person/people who would be willing to do that.
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Tare a step back.

Don't worry about your Grandmother and what your parents allow or not.

Grandma will pass when it's her time.

Tare a little time at least once a week for Me Time.
Go get a massage,
Go out to eat,
Go get a Manicure,
Take a mini vacation.

Lif3 goes on.
Stop worrying about things you can not raters.

Step back and Smell the Roses.

Learn to Dance in the Rain.

Prayers.
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LoopyLoo Dec 2021
It’s hard to dance in the rain when your family dynamic is draining everyone’s energy.
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You have answered your own questions - you love your family and those who need help but YOU do have a life or at least want the chance to live life and you must do that - it is time for you to think of YOU first. If you don't, God help you. You need to place those who are going down hill before you end up along side them. Live your life while you can and love them with distance between. You have your chance now and it won't stay around if you don't do your thing now. They lived their lives.
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I can understand your feelings..It's a awful situation to be put into. You feed depresssed and im chronic pain because of all the stress. Don't feel guilty of feeling that way about your grandmother. That's a normal feeling in my mind.. It seems it's all up to the daughters to make these decisions. We've told our children what we want done if we get into a situation like your moms in. Or your grandmothers in. You need to get away for your own sanity. I completely understand what your going through. My heart goes out to you. But you need a break!
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I completely understand you feeling like your life is in a holding pattern - but in actuality it is not. No one can predict the future, but living in dread of "what may happen" is counterproductive and will very likely turn into a future of "I should haves". Deal with your dreams as they are NOW. Retire and find that dream job. Life evolves and falls into place (or doesn't) without us trying to orchestrate the future.
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Have you made it clear to your parents that you are not going to be taking over their caretaking? If you are helping them as needed, they may have no idea that you are not going to continue to step up to take care of them. Your mother may assume that since she takes care of HER mother, you will similarly take care of her. Be honest with yourself about your own limits and then communicate your limits to your parents. You can help them make arrangements for the help they need. You do not need to make the same choices ypur mother has made.
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lkdrymom Dec 2021
This is an important point. You can’t change what everyone else is doing but you make darn sure your parents understand you are not giving up your golden years as they did r become their caretaker
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I'm in a similar situation. Thankfully I'm one of two daughters and my sister is willing to let my grandmother live with her sometimes, though I don't know how long that will last.

My boundaries are set, I'm not a care taker for old people (or anyone) the end. I don't care if someone gave me 10M. It's an awful soul-sucking job that should be done by professionals and no one else.

The older someone is the more selfish they become, that's just the way it goes. I fight resenting my grandmother as well. If you want to live a long life, plan for it. However she wasted her life taking care of a bunch of people too. She is not a bad person by any means, but she's nearly killed my Dad and is killing my Mom. I want them to live over her and I'm just tired of seeing what's happening. The cycle stops with me, I hope my sister doesn't pick it up.

My suggestion is to set boundaries for yourself so that you're not pulled into the same cycle.

If your parents won't change there's nothing you can do until they have to go into care, at that time so will your grandmother. I've told my Mom that. She didn't like it, but it is what it is.

Take care of yourself. Sometimes family needs to figure things out on their own and you can't force other people to learn lessons.
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Have you talked to your mother about getting aides and other types of help (cleaning, laundry) to help her and your grandmother? Also discuss the possibility of placing your grandmother in a senior facility, if it is getting to be too much for your mother. Please don't resent your grandmother. She's human and she wants to live. Reach out to get therapy for your own negative feelings. Covid has taken a toll on all of us!
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All very well to advise putting them into care, but where is the funding for it? And I really don't believe a care home would give the old people the care they need. Changing pads, feeding, emotional and social interaction, etc. So we are all stuck in this endless cycle of non-life. No real solution.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2021
Tiredofdementia,

No, everyone is not stuck in the endless cycle of non-life. There is such a thing as care giving from a distance. People have a right to live their own lives and can walk away from caregiving if they really want to. Too many of us have allowed the neediness our elderly parents, grandparents, and spouses to dictate how we live our lives. We've also allowed the backlash and fear of judgment from others keep us chained to a caregiving situation when we don't have to be.
Enough is enough. It took me a very long time to learn that caregiving must be done on the caregiver's terms and not on the terms of the care recipient. It took even longer for me to establish boundaries. I am my mother's caregiver. I am no longer her nanny-slave, family scapegoat, emotional whipping post, or fight partner.
She knows that I will have no guilt about putting her in a nursing home if she becomes too difficult.
Our relationship has improved greatly once I learned these things.
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For your own health and well-being, and the quality of your relationships with husband and son, you need to LEARN to set boundaries.
* First, you need to FEEL you deserve to have a life - a full life - with some responsibilities to others although not at the cost of causing you mental, psychological and physical illness.
* It is a plus that you acknowledge how you feel (resentful of your grandmother).
* When we feel stuck, we are the only person who can un-stick us - you can and must acknowledge how you feel (as you do here) and plough through doing what needs to be done.
- Sit down and write a list of what you want and need in your own life.
- Write about the hard decisions YOU need to make. Feel through the guilt and 'crushing weight of expectation" - realize the only expectation is the one you take on / take in 'from others' or yourself and reframe it. i.e., xxx believes I should xxx. That is their feeling and expectation. It is not mine.
* Do a mantra "I deserve to full life (as as full as I can create).
* You must set boundaries by feeling worthy to do so - enlist your husband to support you. Friends, professional social workers, senior services.
* Know the choices you make now IN YOUR BEST INTEREST and for your parents will be hard emotionally. Expect this process to confront your feelings - and then move through.
* You will not resent your grandmother if you do not allow her to affect you as you have been doing. You need support, help, and get off the fence and make the hard decisions. You CAN do it. You MUST do it - for you, your husband / relationship, and for your son. They need you TOO.

Gena
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Dianed58 Dec 2021
This might be of interest:
Working Daughter's Bill of Rights
@ Caregiver Bill of Rights - Working Daughter
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Previous responses are wonderful. Now, the question is...can you follow the sage advice from this site? There is a chain of dysfunctionality in your family, which you MUST break.

I see your recognition that you MUST not allow yourself to sink into this dysfunctional and dangerous abyss of elder caregiving.

But then there are your parents. Can THEY (especially your mother) accept that they are NOT responsible for grandmother's every caregiving need? Because if you can't get to accept that (which is likely), are YOU willing to walk away to save yourself?

What is the financial situation here? What is your grandmother's financial situation? Your parents?

Even if your parents agree to help for your grandmother (of course she really needs a facility), where is payment going to come from? It should come from your grandmother.

And one more question...what are your parents' expectation of help from you? Do they expect anything from out-of-town brother?
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OnlyDaughte2Gen Dec 2021
Regarding the payment for the care- see my response below. The three of them hold property jointly with survivorship. My grandmother’s assets have been depleted by her long life since retirement, 35+ years. She has a small SS & pension, out of which she pays for a part time aide who comes to help twice a week.

To afford a nursing home, which she would abjectly refuse to submit to, I believe that my parents and her house would both have to be sold, since that’s what SS requires for eligibility. They live jointly on the same property in two houses. My grandmother occupies the largest, 3 bedroom house while my parents have lived in a tiny, cramped 750 square foot cottage on the same lot that they have improved. This arrangement has stood for over 20 years. My grandmother insisted on having the big house all to herself, and she refused to move if she didn’t get it. None of us expected her to live past 100. She absolutely expects my parents to take care of her and wait on her hand and foot, and has no insight on how her selfishness has caused her daughter to suffer.

She (grandmother) has survived in the last 4 years colon cancer surgery, a broken hip & hip replacement- at age 99!!, a blood clot that paralyzed her arm and nearly killed her, and pneumonia. Meanwhile, my mom neglects her own health. Both of my parents are laser focused on her care.

I feel guilty for wishing that she will finally succumb to one of her many ailments and give my parents a little peace. There’s an expectation that my brother should visit, but my grandmother’s neediness, stubbornness, and lack of self awareness is repellent for both of us.
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Where do your parents and grandmother live - is it in their home? do they own their home, or does grandmother have assets? As long as they are not living with you then now is the time to move them to assisted living - so they can get to know people and settle in before they have to go and their choices are more limited. Regarding Grandmother they have to be involved in decision on what happens to her to get the care she needs. Refuse to accept any responsibility for the situation at the moment - they need to sort themselves out and you need to get your health back not have to be worrying about others. Don't struggle on stand up for yourself and your health, at the moment they need to be told managing is down to them you cannot do anything to help and it could be months until you can, put the responsibility back where it belongs and look after you, your husband and your son. If necessary get your husband to tell them you are not going to be fit and pass the buck for talking to them to him whilst you get some respite and recovery time.
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OnlyDaughte2Gen Dec 2021
Hello and thanks for the thoughtful response.

I will reply here about their financial situation. We live in the US. I live within one mile of my parents/grandmother. Their property has two houses, one is my parents, the other my grandmother’s. They own jointly, with survivorship. Meaning that if they had to spend down assets to qualify my grandmother for Medicaid, my parents home would also be included in the equation because it’s all on the same property.

My mother has taken on sole caretaking responsibility for my grandmother for the past 20 years. My father is more able bodied, and now does more of the household work. Parents are both retired social workers. They are determined to give my grandmother her wish to live in her own house until she dies. There’s an unspoken expectation that they want the same.

My father handles their finances, but he doesn’t share that with me. I don’t even know what their plans are for the will. He is stubborn in his own way about not asking for help.

My brother lives 5 hours away by car. He visits often but he’s not hands on with caregiving. He can’t “handle” the reality of adult incontinence, diapers, and that sort of thing.

We both commiserate that our grandmother is killing our mother- or the burden of her care is; my grandmother has anxiety temper tantrums whenever she’s separated from my mother for more than a day or two. I live much closer, and my parents provided a lot of support to me and my children through my divorce from an abusive marriage. It’s a complicated mess of guilt and obligation, and unspoken expectations.
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Please consider the analogy of the airplane. When the oxygen mask drops, you put on your mask first and then help others with their masks. In your case, please attend to your mental and physical health and job situation first. Then, you will be more able to help others.
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Onlydaughter,

Be very careful that you don't become your parents with caregiving for them because you feel bad.

You know that they will not willingly go to a facility, if they would they would put grandma in one.

Your boundaries are what will protect you from a similar fate.
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Maryjann Dec 2021
THIS!
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Bring in the pros. Have someone there at least half a day to take care of those three elderly people.
What would you say, think about this situation if it was happening to a close friend? I remember talking with my best friend on the phone, and her father was shouting in the background-he was really loud. "Hey, what's the matter, why is he screaming like that?" "Oh, he does that all the time" "Uh-you know that's not normal" "Yeah...." About two weeks after that she had to place her father in memory care. Don't know if my input made a difference, but-she was so glad she did it.
I just wish society didn't place such a premium on caregivers being heros-without any kind of support for us. "Yay, look at her taking care of ______, she's amazing! Oh-sorry dear, no respite care for you, obviously you can do it all, and aren't you wonderful!!!" Yep.....time for the pros and your family members.
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bundleofjoy Dec 2021
i agree ariadnee!!

and again and again, it's usually women who end up helping...
...and the women's lives suffer...their career, family, friends, peace of mind, life dreams/goals...

"women are more exploitable."

dear onlydaughter,

i hope you can hire people, or find other good solutions.
your brother must help too, not dumping all decisions/problems/stress on you.

hug!!!
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Well, they are living in Grandmom's house. But they could set boundries but I think its a little late at 101. You can set your own.
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OnlyDaughter, welcome!

Understand that the ONLY thing you can change is YOUR behavior. No your parents' and certainly not Grandma's.

Your brother seems to drawn a boundary, yes?

If your parents are so short-sighted as to neglect their health because they cater to grandma and don't consider her needs rather than her desires, that's on them.

You can only save you.
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