I’m doing everything I can for my mom to care for her in my home, but I am feeling very unappreciated by her. Seems like nothing I do is right or enough. I’m just looking for a place to vent. For the most part I have a ton of patience but then there are days like yesterday that leave me wondering why she can’t be happy to have someone who cares for her. I told her that I was feeling as though she didn’t appreciate all that I do for her but she had no comment which made me feel worse. Can anybody relate?
Colleen
THis is a more common problem than people think.
You will have to decide how much you can take and start making plans fort hat day. I promise you this.. She wont change she will only get worse. It is not a question of if you will have to make other arrangements, it is a question of when
I go through the same ,more or less,assisting my dad.
What helps me to overcome this lack of gratitude from my dad is meditating on a few things:
1st: my conscience is clear that I'm doing what I should be doing.i am not a "wonder woman"...
2nd: my dad,your mom ,have cognitive deficits, which explain their lack of gratitude.
3rd: (the most important):God takes note...
Don't give up...
There just isn't honestly a whole lot to be happy about in all of that. Given their fragility and their mental limitations they aren't able to even put a good face on it, as we sometimes are.
I have always known I could not do one on one caregiving in my home. I had a hard enough time adjusting and adapting in the last year of my bro's life; I don't know what it could have come to had he deteriorated, and had he ever come to the point when he could no longer listen to me, and believe and trust me. I am thankful we never got there, in all truth.
I am so sorry. You are living the heartbreak of so very many here. You asked her if she appreciated you? Do you appreciate what for her is nothing but loss? It is almost impossibly difficult. I hope some moments are light and good, because this is such a difficult thing you are doing. My heart truly goes out to you.
No matter what, you are not morally or ethically responsible for her happiness (which would be impossible any way). If you are her durable PoA you are only tasked with doing what is in her best interest. Going forward you won't be able to elicit the gratitude you'd like (and deserve) so try to have the mindset that you're providing her care because you are choosing to do it and how she reacts to any of it is not important. If you have no expectations, you won't have any disappointment. You are doing a noble thing and knowing this will hopefully be enough to carry you through day to day to day. I wish you all the best in achieving this.
Those in the online group understand and applaud your efforts.
He struggles with episodes of shortness of breath, which scare and exhaust him.
She is desperate to keep him at home, because although he is eligible for hospice the Covid separation is unbearable for both of them. She works her behind off from dawn to dusk (and during the night) to try to make this sustainable.
When I arrived and was washing my hands, she came to tell me about various things to do with his care and treatment, and she had quite a lot to unload. He was in earshot. When we went back into his room, he scolded her for "going on and on" and taking up my time.
My heart sank to my boots for BOTH of them. Her, because of course she was terribly hurt (and, I regret to say, she scolded him right back). And him, because it wasn't her talkativeness that had made him lose his temper - it was the really extreme fatigue he was experiencing that makes the effort of hearing, let alone listening, unbearable.
I am happy to report that after she had gone into the kitchen for a little cry, and he had finished his morning routine and recovered, he apologised to her and asked her to forgive him, and she did.
So what I am betting on with you, is that your mother's lack of appreciation is nothing to do with what you're doing wrong or overlooking - it's about how she is feeling in herself, and what she's dealing with in terms of her health. Pain, fatigue, anxiety, loss of cognitive function, depression would all affect her responses to your loving care - and, indeed, could be why she didn't respond at all!
As I said sorrowfully to my client's wife "I'm afraid this can seem a very thankless task, at times."