I’m doing everything I can for my mom to care for her in my home, but I am feeling very unappreciated by her. Seems like nothing I do is right or enough. I’m just looking for a place to vent. For the most part I have a ton of patience but then there are days like yesterday that leave me wondering why she can’t be happy to have someone who cares for her. I told her that I was feeling as though she didn’t appreciate all that I do for her but she had no comment which made me feel worse. Can anybody relate?
My mom has been with me awhile now and she appears to be grateful. She has so annoying quirks that make me grit my teeth and scream into my pillow at times, but for the most part, it's okay. It's never great. I never have a day off, or time alone.
My mom has always been 'in charge' so a big issue for me is her wanting to exert her wisdom (sarcasm here) on our family. She has plenty of non-helpful ideas, or completely obvious ones. We are a house full of stress right now and someone who pipes up with a ridiculous solution just makes us groan. Maybe we will laugh about it someday.
But it truly is the hardest thing I've ever done. Mainly because I'm in between: the referee so to speak, between her and everyone else.
Sometimes it feels like I bend my back over for some. Going that extra mile. I too feel like you most days. That what I do is not appreciated. It is ok though. When I lay my head on my pillow at night, I can rest good. Knowing that I've been good to people.
You are doing a fine job taking care of mom and that is all that really matters.
Don't get offended by her ways. People are different. It's just in the nature of some people that they are hard to satisfy or don't seem to appreciate anything.
Continue doing what you are doing and you will never have any regrets.
It's your mother, you love her, just do your best and don't worry about the rest.
Another thing. Did you know some people don't know how to show their thoughts or feelings? That may be your mom. She is appreciative of you but don't know how to show or express it.
Example: I hugged an elderly lady. She did not hug me back. For a second, I thought, "What's wrong." Her son told me, She was not the type to show emotions like that.
You keep being you. You are doing great.
Yes, we could belabor all the details here about the total inconsideration of your feelings and how unfair it all is, but that’s not going to change a thing. It’s really about YOU and how you choose to grow through this experience....will you become better or bitter? It’s so easy to default to the bitter side, isn’t it....
It’s a complicated situation because you could easily just walk away...and for the sake of self-preservation, be totally justified in doing so...but it sounds to me like you don’t feel comfortable doing that, so you have to choose to readjust your own perspective to fit the reality of the situation as it is. People are right when they say your mom is not going to change (and will probably get worse), so it looks like the ball is in your court as to just how YOU are going to live with that fact. At first, I did A LOT of complaining about my very similar situation, but then I realized I was becoming someone I didn’t want to be, so now I try to direct my energy in more positive directions that make me feel good about the person I know I am.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! Hang in there! You are doing a great job! This is only for a season.
He struggles with episodes of shortness of breath, which scare and exhaust him.
She is desperate to keep him at home, because although he is eligible for hospice the Covid separation is unbearable for both of them. She works her behind off from dawn to dusk (and during the night) to try to make this sustainable.
When I arrived and was washing my hands, she came to tell me about various things to do with his care and treatment, and she had quite a lot to unload. He was in earshot. When we went back into his room, he scolded her for "going on and on" and taking up my time.
My heart sank to my boots for BOTH of them. Her, because of course she was terribly hurt (and, I regret to say, she scolded him right back). And him, because it wasn't her talkativeness that had made him lose his temper - it was the really extreme fatigue he was experiencing that makes the effort of hearing, let alone listening, unbearable.
I am happy to report that after she had gone into the kitchen for a little cry, and he had finished his morning routine and recovered, he apologised to her and asked her to forgive him, and she did.
So what I am betting on with you, is that your mother's lack of appreciation is nothing to do with what you're doing wrong or overlooking - it's about how she is feeling in herself, and what she's dealing with in terms of her health. Pain, fatigue, anxiety, loss of cognitive function, depression would all affect her responses to your loving care - and, indeed, could be why she didn't respond at all!
As I said sorrowfully to my client's wife "I'm afraid this can seem a very thankless task, at times."
It sounds like you love and care for your your mom a lot and doing everything you can to ensure her well being. It's a lot for one person to take on. I too wanted validation and acknowledgment for my time, effort and even the money I spent. I tried so hard.
Like others have said sometimes it's hard on the elderly. Depending on their personality sometimes they are not capable of giving a kind word. They are in their own world and dealing with with your own fears.
Be careful, my friend. From my own experience I sacrificed a lot of my life to care for my mother and father. I gave unconditionally till I burst. The resentment and anger was building and building and eventually the stress affected my judgement. It lead to a fatal decision and my indifference lead to my father's decline and passing. Please don't be a hero and know you have choices. We as adult children can only do so much and sometimes even doing everything will never be enough.
Thinking of you.
This is kind of facetious I know, but once I told my mom that I was going to record her to show her what she sounded like! LOL
I never did it but I surely was tempted a few times.
There are ups and downs in caregiving. It’s a mixed bag of emotions.
So sorry that you are struggling with this. Don’t feel guilty about how you feel. It comes with the territory.
Many hugs and prayers sent your way.
THis is a more common problem than people think.
You will have to decide how much you can take and start making plans fort hat day. I promise you this.. She wont change she will only get worse. It is not a question of if you will have to make other arrangements, it is a question of when
Whatever the cause, try not to take it to heart. You know you are doing your best for her. It's always nice to be thanked or appreciated, but sometimes we just have to do what needs to be done and do all the appreciating ourselves! If she's particularly grumpy, do what must be done, no extras, and put space between you - do something YOU enjoy doing instead!
Colleen
Those in the online group understand and applaud your efforts.
I go through the same ,more or less,assisting my dad.
What helps me to overcome this lack of gratitude from my dad is meditating on a few things:
1st: my conscience is clear that I'm doing what I should be doing.i am not a "wonder woman"...
2nd: my dad,your mom ,have cognitive deficits, which explain their lack of gratitude.
3rd: (the most important):God takes note...
Don't give up...
There just isn't honestly a whole lot to be happy about in all of that. Given their fragility and their mental limitations they aren't able to even put a good face on it, as we sometimes are.
I have always known I could not do one on one caregiving in my home. I had a hard enough time adjusting and adapting in the last year of my bro's life; I don't know what it could have come to had he deteriorated, and had he ever come to the point when he could no longer listen to me, and believe and trust me. I am thankful we never got there, in all truth.
I am so sorry. You are living the heartbreak of so very many here. You asked her if she appreciated you? Do you appreciate what for her is nothing but loss? It is almost impossibly difficult. I hope some moments are light and good, because this is such a difficult thing you are doing. My heart truly goes out to you.
No matter what, you are not morally or ethically responsible for her happiness (which would be impossible any way). If you are her durable PoA you are only tasked with doing what is in her best interest. Going forward you won't be able to elicit the gratitude you'd like (and deserve) so try to have the mindset that you're providing her care because you are choosing to do it and how she reacts to any of it is not important. If you have no expectations, you won't have any disappointment. You are doing a noble thing and knowing this will hopefully be enough to carry you through day to day to day. I wish you all the best in achieving this.
And she didn't live with me. Why IS your mother living with you? How did that come to happen?