My FIL moved in with us nearly two years ago. I was reluctant to say yes but it’s the only parent my precious wife has left so I agreed. He's very overweight, depressed (I think), poor, entitled (he thinks people should do everything for him), self-centered, can't seem to tell the full truth even on basic questions (it’s so strange), and his best quality is one of his worst, he's kind (until he has some ignorant opinion on varying subjects) but he won’t SHUT UP. He will ramble on and on and on even if no one is listening.
We had just bought a new first time house and a few months later we moved him in. It was all fine in the beginning, we were working on the house and staying busy so his annoyances were only slightly annoying in the beginning. As time continued and things settled down I started to notice more and more what a disrespectful, worthless (I know, Harsh) slob and pest he is. He would camp out in our living room just talking and talking and talking about nothing and giving his ignorant opinions, and trying to get my wife to cater to him (he knew from the start I wouldn't cater to him). Wouldn't shower, never helped with dishes, awful diet, never took out the trash, would be blaring the TV and music constantly, never did any physical activity. Just a fat blob taking up space. All the while he's just blabbering on about how's he going to get in shape and start walking and eating better, blah blah. I take my word very seriously, so I expected him to actually follow through on some of these ambitions. NOPE.
So probably about 9 months in I told my wife I've had enough, while I'm home he's to stay in his room Monday - Thursday, I can hardly stand to look at him anymore. Oh and I forgot to mention my wife has been pregnant for about 5 of these months already. Anyways, he obeys for a while and makes more and more promises how he's going to do better, blah blah and my wife always believes him. It’s the craziest thing, she will scold him and he will just deflect and tell her how much he loves her.
There's a lot more occurrences and instances than I have space for in this forum but needless to say my wife was scolding him one day trying to get him to clean up his room, which is absolutely disgusting, and is connected to our living room so if the door is open you can smell the odor. And he says something along the lines of "What happened to my beautiful, sweet, compassionate, loving daughter. This is not the woman I raised". I almost LOST IT ON HIM. But I didn't, and told my wife to relay to him that we are not on a speaking basis, I'm done with this a** hole. And when I'm done I'm done. Fast forward about a month later, he keeps trying to have conversations with me and coming out of his room when outside of our designated times, so I absolutely come unglued on him one day. A lot of profanity and I tell him Monday - Saturday when I’m home, you stay in your room and you and me are done. The only thing I want to hear come out of your mouth is "how was your day". Well as you probably know he keeps disrespecting my rules and her rules so every now and again I will snap on him. We tried to get him to move out but it was going to be too expensive with the baby.
Now to the point. I hold true to my word so basically I just don't interact with the guy, almost ever. If he tries to start a conversation I basically ignore him. I could see where this would be hurtful, but that is the point, no one else is holding him accountable, so this is my form of punishment and coping. I loathe this person. My wife will tell him how disrespectful he is to his face, but whenever I address him she sometimes takes up for him even if it’s contradictory to what she said to his face. This has caused some huge fights and its really starting to take a toll on both of us. I just want to be left alone and for him to follow the rules, but she thinks the rules are unfair. I think they are perfectly fair. Any advice on how to better handle the situation?
I'll self-report my post here to ask them to do so. Up to them, then, and I will sure be done with what now is just argument between ourselves.
I think tc got some good advice on both sides.
tcjaynes, the OP who wrote us 6th September, was very responsive the day he wrote. He at one point expressed his shock at some of the things we said regarding his post. He said he came here primarily to vent.
That's great, but it also means he isn't much seeking help.
He said finally that he wanted to know a way to shut down his post so that he was never tempted to come back again. And he HAS NOT COME BACK again. Which leaves it now pretty much argument between ourselves.
I wish tc and wife and FIL the best of luck, but I think he is done with us. He himself requested the thread be shut down. I hope it is.
Actually, the misogyny is depressing.
Perhaps it's because I live in the UK, where women get proper maternity leave, including being allowed up to a year off before needing to put the baby into nursery or hiring a childminder, but comments about the husband earning a wage giving him more say and more rights is unbelievable to me. (Btw, very few women do take that long, or they share the leave with their partner. Yes, paternity leave is a thing, here, too.)
Perhaps you can hire a cleaning lady or guy for his room only, someone who can get him to shower occasionally and keep the room clean once a week. He may be incapable of doing the cleaning himself.
All three of you may very well be right.
You may have rules for FIL that to you are completely reasonable and appropriate.
Your wife may be correct that your rules are not all reasonable and appropriate.
Neither of those things matter one whit if your FIL is not going to follow rules no matter how reasonable and appropriate they are.
Truth: this situation is not working and in a family (which consists of you, your wife and your child), if things are not working for everyone, they need to be reevaluated and changed. You may need help with this or you and your wife may be able to agree to push the reset button all by yourselves.
There may or may not be a compromise here but if you continue this way, your wife’s rage and lack of respect is going to grow to match your own - but will be directed toward YOU.
Good luck getting her to consider your side after that.
Tell her you love her. Apologize for letting your anger get the best of you. Tell her you cannot continue living like this. Ask her if she would be willing to look at options for restoring your family.
Ask her to read this thread so she can get some other perspectives.
You could kick him out and make him take responsibility for his own life. Even "poor" people find housing solutions.
It sounds like your wife is happy with having him there, or maybe she just has more patience with him. I agree with sentiments that this living situation is creating a negative environment for an infant to grow up in.
If FIL living with you is the only option for now, could you find an adult day care program for him? Perhaps it would be good for him - allow him to socialize with others and get him out of the house for a while. Some programs even offer transportation to and from. Has he applied for medicaid? Medicaid could make more options available to him. I don't think you mention his age or health status, but with medicaid, if he qualifies, he could move to a nursing home.
His presence in your home is putting you in a very bad mood. Not good for you and not good for your family. Not sure why he came to live with you in the first place, but he is taking advantage instead of being a responsible adult. Time for him to go!
however frustrating this is I can’t help but think it applies here - any scolding should be done via your wife
it just keeps arguments low
not that it’s right - but even like a step child - you should allow the parent to scold it
ok- that said
you’ve reached a pretty drastic point now which is affecting a good remedy really
you need to look at options of where father I-L can go- as he needs to go. It’s clear your health and peace has been affected by him
you need to find out legally who can help/where he can go if there isn’t another relative willing to take him
the problem with old parents is some feel very entitled and once pampered can show some pretty awful behaviour
your wife loves her father so everything must be a heavy burden on her.
look fir options for where he can go- speak to his doctor/legal if u can/any age concern help? But he needs to move out
once you find somewhere - fir your wife’s sake it would be helpful to try and put differences into a box
you won’t have to visit him
but it would be good for your wife
it doesn’t mean you have to like him just be civil to him
Once a place has been found make arrangements then his daughter needs to update the time has come fir him to move out and you have organised xx place
that may not be easy
and the possible guilt your wife may feel doing that to her father justifies you to help really and bite ur tongue
it was a mistake to take him in but now it’s happened try and make the break civil
this isn’t having a go at you btw - neither is it justifying father in laws behaviour
a peaceful solution will
help the family
good luck
Your f-i-l should shower and keep his rooms clean. You should behave like an adult and speak respectfully to people, whoever they may be.
These are tough words, but you can take it. Also, while you might not accept what I have to say, you might, hopefully, pause and think.
If you have agreed to your f-i-l living with you, at least behave like a decent human being. Relaying messages via your wife is immature behaviour and is not kind towards your wife. I wouldn't tolerate it.
But, then, I wouldn't have agreed to living with an in-law with whom I don't have a good relationship. I would always be polite, however. Instead, I would have helped to make alternative, suitable arrangements.
Furthermore, I wouldn't care how much a man of your word you think you are, if you don't have enough emotional maturity to understand that everyone is different and to not expect others to think and feel like you do. If you think words matter, you should be more careful with how you use them.
Start acting like an adult. If your f-i-l is as bad as you say - a manipulative liar - then talk with your wife and discuss the suitability of you all living under the one roof. But treat the man like a human being, for pity's sake!
Have we travelled back to the 1950s? Or do they live in Stepford?
He agreed to the f-i-l moving in and he charges him rent.
I agree that it's better for the young family to live without her father in tow, however it's a decision to be made as a couple.
All that cursing, yelling and screaming isn't going to solve the situation. That is just as bad as spinning your tires in the mud and getting deeper and deeper.
I would seek counseling for myself. Since you are so pi$$ed, I wouldn't even tell my spouse. She has enough with the pregnancy and her ill dad. The counseling is to help you to calm down so that you can think more rationally.
Sounds like you need a couple days away from that situation just to get some breathing room. If it gets so bad, get yourself a hotel room and a hotel with a pool.
New baby.
Baby is now 8mths old. A new baby is a total game changer to a household. New Fathers have to accept they are no longer #1 in their Wife's heart or mind. Baby is. It can lead to a sort of jealousy & grief of 'losing a partner' for a little time. But they come back! Hang in there! It is for a reason - the survival of humans.
Anger & tension.
While anger is communication & is very useful to use to stand up for ourselves, it is best when used SAFELY. I totally support the idea the OP is reaching out anywhere for ideas & help.. including angry words, if used respectfully, on a forum.
The barn door.
This is the separation of FIL from the family of 3. But it is not enough for the OP. This leads back to marriage councelling. So the couple can aim towards the same page.
FIL.
Cognitive issues? Mental health? Physical health issues?
Funds to move out?
There may be BIG reasons he cannot simply go find a new home.
What are they?
Safety.
If tensions are too high & there is any risk to anyone's safety, I would consider the OP should go stay elsewhere until things are better sorted out.
The brutal change options are;
#1. FIL moves out
#2. You move out
#3. Wife & her Father move out
I think marriage councelling may be your best course.
So that you & your Wife can discuss how you both feel. To hear each other's viewpoint. Hopefully to gain some understanding to WHY you both feel as you do.
There are a few posts of Mothers/MILs that moved in & how it is causing disruption. Sometimes it was for temporary care but still there, or because no other option seemed available/acceptable.
See if any of these have any advice or comments that helps?
With good communication, you & your Wife can do this!
Hopefully even strengthen your marriage by working through this big issue of expected parental care together.
In the meantime go to marriage counseling .
Good luck .
1) Most new posters spend a bit of time reading other posts on the site, and get the picture that we don’t ‘vent’ like an angry drunk out the back of the pub. However it doesn’t bother me, and FIL does sound like a slob.
2) Do you talk like this to your Wife? If you do then a) the marriage is in real trouble and b) she is probably angry enough to blame a lot of the problem on you. Neither of which is good. Plus divorce is expensive.
3) You won’t change FIL so you have to give up the $600 a month. You already know that he is not going to follow any ‘rules’ you make. $150 a week for all this hassle? You must be joking! Give up coffee! Give up booze! Replace him with a better boarder! Whatever it takes to get him out!
4) You and W must follow the legal route to evict FIL, and live with it for the month it will take. You can take him to a homeless shelter, if he hasn’t found anywhere else to live.
Good luck!
I would get FIL in Assisted Living (on Medicaid) so he can have plenty of people to talk to and plenty of activities. He won't be "abandoned" and your wife can visit him whenever she wants. She needs peace and quiet for her new baby!
You get your home back, you get FIL out of your house, and FIL will be in a place where he will have food, a room and plenty of people around to talk to all day long. He will even have housekeeping!
Start looking for a place, get the Medicaid application going, and tell FIL the move out date, and how much happier he will be with activities and new people to talk to. He will have meals, housekeeping and socialization! Make it sound like a luxury vacation or cruise. Tell him with the new baby your wife has too much work to take care of him too. Of course he wants his lovely daughter to have it easier with her new baby, right? She's done so much for him already.
You can always steam clean his room and rent it to someone else with a job that won't be such a pest. It's a WIN-WIN!
You can't stand him - he gets on your nerves and you find him annoying. But I bet he's useful to you on the day he pays you the monthly $600.
To be honest, the way you're speaking about him says more about you than about him. Just kindly discuss plans with your wife to help him with next steps - do it constructively so it's productive - make it positive...maybe he needs some support in this, and your wife should be proactive and look into other options with him on places to live. It's clear that he shouldn't be living in your house. It's long enough.
And with all the times you're calling him a fat slob, obviously he's having a hard time getting started with exercising - if you belong to a gym or have exercise equipment at home, would it hurt to encourage him and join him?
I wonder how he feels about having a son-in-law like you. It must be disappointing.
So did the wife CATCH the mental disorder, or what?
And if the father has a mental disorder, how is tc's yelling and namecalling helping anything?
The thing you said may of given everyone a bad feeling,
Sit down with your wife and calmly tell her this living situation is not working out anymore with her father. That it's very important to raise your child in a peaceful environment where she won't grow up like I did, with anxiety and stomach issues due to the ongoing histrionics in my home. You and your wife OWE this to your child, while you owe her dad nothing.
Help him find a room to rent elsewhere, where he can do as he pleases but be treated in a decent fashion. My BIL rented a motel room with a tiny kitchenette and was quite happy smoking and doing his own thing in there, not pestering anyone in the family who'd had enough of him.
Good luck.