After six years in my home, and a year of beyond challenging care for my very sick dad - where I was going slowly going insane and shooting my health and career to hell, and taking my husband and kids down a very difficult road with me - today - today! - it looks like we finally got a great possible 24/7 placement for my Dad - he has to be evaluated tomorrow morning. And I was ECSTATIC. Put down the deposit already. Happy! Told Dad (who said he was okay with a nursing home - like really okay with it - because he knew everyone was getting tired) and then....I have been getting hit with waves upon waves of guilt. And now I'm sad. And I'm sad because he's sad - and of course, he is. But I really thought the relief would conquer the guilt - but not so much...Arrrgggghhhh. Are we ever, EVER allowed to feel happy about our choices again? Arrrrggghhhhh.
I am SO happy we officially have a placement that is 24/7 care, safe and beautiful. There will be problems, I'm sure, but at least I get to be a daughter again and love my dad fully. This is taken my soul. I also get to be a wife and mom again. And a business owner. Everything was being consumed by the black hole of his care. Thanks everyone for letting me vent. I'm sure there'll be more rollercoaster feelings, but I've gotten over hump 1.
I think of ALs and Nursing Homes in the same way I think of public schools; they are the natural socialization environment for folks of a certain age.
But this is a huge change and everyone is bound to be unsettled. You've picked a facility you're happy with, so lean on them heavily for support and reassurance, take one day at a time, and have faith that all will be well.
I felt total burnout as I moved my mom then had to quickly clean out 40 yrs of moms home, repairs and sale while maintaining a full time job out of state. I took a break from mom and took several months (yep months) to sort out feelings, hate , guilt, love, loss, and turning the page on the next chapter. I had the support of friends, this site and others who’ve walked this walk with their parents.
You did everything right. Now shift from being primary caregiver to the loving daughter you want to be and have the time to be.
Feel better. You deserve all good feelings. Dad will have good and bad days. He is turning a page too and entering some final chapters. You can help best by just visiting, holding hands, playing music or taking walks together. Truly cherish the moments. Dad will be fine.
^ when you feel down, and guilty, and scared, focus on this, only this. You will be so happy to visit him now, and he'll be so happy to see you, every single time.
Dad needs more care than can be given at home.
Guilt is appropriate as an emotion when you've one something wrong, something harmful to another.
Tell me what you've done that's wrong.
You feel guilty, I suppose, because you've put yourself and your family first. Of course by doing so, you are saving your mental and physical health so that you can advocate for dad. But you know that. Because if you're not around, what would become of dad.
Why do you feel guilty?
She even wrote not to worry if we felt guilty...It just means we love her.
Change is hard. It's not easy to let go of the father you've been caring for. It's not easy to transfer his care, especially because, for the past 6 years, caring for your dad has become part of who you are. That is a big change.
Your dad is facing a move. Psychologists rate moves as among the top 10 most stressful life events. And, there usually is not a revolving door that gets you back out of a nursing home. It is a frightening prospect.
You've cared for your dad for as long as you could. Please give yourself credit for a tremendous undertaking. Know that you gave your father 6 years of closeness, family time and care. It is time, however, for your dad to receive the 24/7 nursing care he needs, and for you to reclaim your career and devote some energy to your immediate family. First, you will need to claim time for yourself to heal. Be kind to yourself.
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