Finally found a placement for my dad - Yes! Now I feel awful and guilty.

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Finally found a placement for my dad - Yes! Now I feel awful and guilty.

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Wow, you have provided a wonderful, loving service for uour dad.... for a very long time. Life is all about change and the time has come for this important change so you can move forward and Dad can be cared for in a safe place. I can tell you from personal experience that the first month or two will be a roller coaster of emotions, but hang in there, it gets better.

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Oh, I so get it.

I know the happiness of having the subordination of one's one wishes and desires, the subservience and tedium of care finally come to an end.

You are entitled to have mixed feelings. That's what these transitions are all about. Mixed feelings.

Just feel them. Feelings are not facts.

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Your and your entire family are to be commended...six years of 24/7 caregiving. You did the best you could, sacrificed much of the usual family life you were used to. When the time came that it was more than you could do, and time for a N/H, it was the right decision, and your dad's agreement supported it. Just know you'll always be there for him, and the love never ends between parent and child. Take Care of yourselves.

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TiredonlyChild, the struggle is real. I completely understand and sympathize with your roller coaster of emotions. You love your dad, (that's very apparent) But you also have the right, and need, at this point to get back to your own life as a wife, mom, and business owner. It sounds like you did your very best ( and then some, I'm sure) for as long as you possibly can. Their will be a transition period, but I'm sure your dad will really warm up to the new home and surroundings in time. We give so much, selflessly as caregivers for so long that their must come a time that we get to reclaim our own lives without guilt! Guilt for what? If we were never there or just didn't care for their wellbeing at all then that would serve reason to feel guilty. We are human, and can do only what we can. Congrats, I dream of the day I get to reclaim my life, home, career, and everything else that gets swept to the side to care for an aging, sick parent. It isn't for the faint hearted, and at this point, I just hope I have some life, and little spunk left in me when that time does come. The emotions you go through as a caregiver are overwhelming, and so tiring. You did whats best for your family, but most of all for your dad, you should not beat yourself up. You seem like a truly caring daughter who will always be there for him if he's upstairs, or down the road at a facility. Take care of you, too! Best wishes:-) Kelly

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You did right by your dad...absolutely nothing to feel guilty over.

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Tiredonlychild,

99.9999% of us will all feel we have failed our parent(s).

In the years of lore, families lived with generations in the same house. There was always someone to help.

I loved it when our great-mother lived with us for awhile when I was in grade school. Listening to her stories as a young bride moving from OK to TX in a covered wagon!! None of my siblings ever talked with her.

OUR lives are no longer lived like they would have been 100 yrs ago. My Mom took care of her Mother in our House for about 2-3 yrs. She finally had to talk with her 2 brothers about how hard it was becoming. Her youngest brother placed grandma in a wonderful living facility. She had a 1 bedroom type apartment with furniture from her house. It was more like an exclusive condo. Beautiful dining room etc. She finally had to be placed behind "The doors". She still had a wonderful place to live until she passed.

I feel guilty that I live out of State and my older sister, not worth a tinker's damn, lives in Mom's house and doesn't lift a finger to truly take care of Mom.

Please talk with a therapist who specializes in family/elderly care. I talk with a therapist and have been for 7+ years because my family is so self centered that they don't see how it what is needed for others aka Mom.

There are groups too who are in the same place you are with your feelings. Please seek help because you will drive yourself insane and your family too.

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Nothing at all to have a guilt complex over.

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Why the guilt - you provided well for your dad - in a few weeks when he settles you will probably be saying 'why didn'y I do it sooner because HE LOVES IT?'

Otherwise the guilt is your own not as to your dad because of long standing issues - dump it & move on - my mom is quite content with her 10+ activities a week - she loved her move - told me once she was concidered part of staff because she participated & helped so much ... hope your dad is as content

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PTSD!! Thanks, Sunflo, for calling it what it is....PTSD! That's the perfect description for what my sister and I have been experiencing. Mom lived with me most recently for about 4 intense years, then simply got too weak for me to care for. Long story short, 7 months ago we found a highly rated, relatively small NH for her. She gets good care, but her emotional state has been a roller coaster ride that adds to our guilt feelings. Our BRAINS know that we did the right thing, but our HEARTS...well, that's a different story. But I'm trying to keep my chin up. Lots of prayer for strength. We are in a period of depression-medication adjustments right now,which is very hard for all of us, but we are hopeful. It's better some days than others (take it one day at a time!) And know in your mind AND heart that you did the right thing for your parent!

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Post script to my comment: It's Mom that's getting the meds for depression. I made it sound like it was all of us.

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Lol, Cindyjo! Thanks for clarifying, but even if the entire family including the dog had been prescribed anti-depressants I don't think any of us would find it surprising.

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Technology is not as it was years ago. My suggestion is to make sure you have POA for your dad to make decisions and be heard by staff. Second, make sure you install a telephone for him. It doesn't have to have long distance just so he can call you or a cell phone if he is capable of using one. Most importantly, I would get a cam in his room like I got from Walmart called Trend Secure. I can see and hear my mom while I am out shopping it's in real time. It even shows her in the dark. I think both of you would be relieved. Not sure if you need permission from the home but I would raise an eyebrow if they decline your request. If he is a happy person it may work well for him. I believe the guilt is more fed from stereotypes of nursing homes. Unfortunately, the ones my mom was in (Medicaid paid) created the stereotypes. I guess my biggest question is if you put down a deposit and are paying out of pocket, then why can't paid for in home care be considered. Good luck.

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Commuter girl ,In home care is wildly expensive unless you only need a couple hours. If you go through an agency which provides you with somewhat trained and bonded employees, it's $20-35 hourly, depending on where you live. If you are planning on 24/7 care that's about $175,000 a year on the low end of the scale. If you hire privately for a lower hourly rate, you must investigate the employees and any substitute you will need. You must pay all social security, etc. You become an employer and all that entails. If you pay under the table, you take a big risk. In addition, most homes are not set up for caregiving. I looked at all this for my own mother.

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Thank you, Rosyday, for explaining all of that so concisely! I have found that to be true, too. The dream of 24/7 homecare is just that for most of us...a dream.

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Thanks everyone. I'm over the guilt - at least today. LOL. Went in and made his new suite so nice, I joked with the staff that if he doesn't want to come, I think I'll move in. (Hubby even put together one of those huge "fireplace" mantels, since they now come with no heat - which is a no-no here. So many good things - the nursing home was actually humming with activities - literally. A guy playing guitar and christmas carols (probably the only christmas concert I'll get to hear! and the room is really quite nice.) only drawback - cleaning the bathroom - opened the medicine cabinet and found a USED shi%$^ diaper stuffed in it. Horrified (especially because like an idiot, I started to pick it up because I didn't even recognize what I was looking at) I called staff. They were horrified (dad's not even moved in) and they tried to make right by saying some of the patients apparently check the locks and if a room is empty they stuff their soiled diapers in it. So yeah, that was a little bit of a reality check. Uggghhh. But beyond that, I think it really is a good environment. I DID see PTs working with patients, and their central room was a chatter with people and activities. Very nice, actually. We shall see how it goes. I still worry there's not enough staff to patient ratio, but that's why I've hired a CNA for another set of hands and eyes on him. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your wonderful comments. I'm not going to lie. I'm so excited about him leaving - and that might not even happen. At the same exact moment, his fistula for his dialysis appears to not be working and he's been bleeding out for an hour and half for the past two sessions. We have dutifully taken him by transport to the vascular surgeon who said he fixed it. He did not. Now we have to take him by squad again this week, but if he bleeds like he did on Monday, he might be going straight to the hospital - not to the memory care unit - to get platelets. Never a dull moment. I JUST WANT TO SEE A MOVIE WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT. I guess soon enough. Hugs to all.

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This is to address the 'why' of not just bringing people in for home care if you're lucky enough to have some money to work with. That was the plan. But what I learned is 1) Agency rates are obscene for what you get: many agency people are truly the bottom of the barrel in terms of basic common sense, and I spent as much time explaining and directing - with different people often each day, often late for four hour blocks that I didn't need. I did solve this problem by hiring my own CNA for two hour block periods - which works much better, with shower, dressing, shaving, cleaning of linens and then it's a wrap. She is terrific, which is why I'm paying her to continue caring for Dad at the memory care unit. 2) I really really needed night coverage because my husband works nights - the problem is, dad had started calling me over the monitor at night, and this is truly what was making me nuts. Working on several fronts during the day and then, no rest at night. I told my DH that I was going to take Dad's TV out and shoot it with a shotgun when Dad left just because i was so tired of hearing the constant CONSTANT buzz of the tv all night long. (jk about shooting tv - I really just want blessed silence again - with just the three teens...LOL). BUT, again, agencies want a 12 hour block at night - and with my husband working at night, and even being the Strong Independent Woman I am :) - I didn't feel comfortable having a strange man (or woman) with basically nothing to do at night, in my house, with idle hands, as they say, while I'm sleeping. I never worry, necessarily about the actual person in my house, but I do worry about their friends "two steps" back. My great uncle was murdered in his home because someone who was helping him told his friend, who told another friend, that he thought he had money. The bad seed came in and shot him, looking for that money. Sooooo. That was an unexpected emotional response that kind of blew up that whole night time coverage plan. For the past two weeks, my 23 year old, who is a night owl and between jobs, started taking the monitor for me at night for a small fee (keep the money in the family). This has helped a lot - and I thought that would solve it. But if there's delirium, he can't cope with it, and I'm still up. The funny thing is I plan out strategic plans for disasters all day long for large corporations, but could not work around the daily crazy/chaos of elderly parent with cardiac/kidney failure and vascular dementia. Just could never get a dependable handle on what might work - other than to ultimately move him where he's in an allegedly safer, more watched situation. That said, I relate to the woman who is determined to do home care for her mother. He NEVER had a bed sore at home. But he got bed sores every time he was at the hospital and rehab. It infuriates me. And I can guarantee you it might happen again, although I'm working with my own CNA to try and avoid it.

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I don't believe putting your dad in a nursing home is a bad decision. What will make it a bad decision is if you abandon him completely. Yes you will not be the one taking physical care of him but you can still care for him emotionally. Which is just as important. In my opinion it is more important. And now that the physical burden is off your shoulders you will be able to fully love and appreciate your dad the way you did before he needed taking care of.

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Tiredonlychild......Sounds like we could be sisters! I love my dad but am so tired of being a nurse and driver to and from drs. appt.s instead of a daughter. He's 95 and we finally said no more driving after 2 wrecks in 2 weeks the last one being pretty serious and thank God no one was hurt. He only drove in a 3 mile area and he knew his limitations. I kept putting it off and putting it off since I knew what it meant.....that I would be driving even more than I was. He lives in an independent facility but it has an assistd living side which I can see us going down that road in the next 6 mos. I'm not going to lie.....I've been burned out for so long and have not enjoyed life the way I should have been (even with him not living with us). My husband has taken over for me with a lot of the errands for him and with him. I even feel a bit guilty over that..... that I'm not doing it!! I keep saying things like -----when dad is gone or when dad isn't able to do whatever that my husband and I will be go someplace and I won't be worrying about him and calling him (or him calling me) every evening. We should be doing that now but and this is on me, I just can't leave for more than 2 or 3 days without feeling bad about it. My mom died last year from Alz/dem. and my sister died 5 years ago (which she wasn't able to help at all because she was single, had a hard job and took care of her grandson to boot). Anyway, I just wanted to say congratulations for taking a huge step. I hope everything goes well with his dialysis/fistula/bleeding so that you can take him to his new home and you can start living a little easier (and yes, you do have to stay on top of everything when they are in a facility. Staff is good but not perfect).(so sorry to hear about your great uncle also. THat's awful!!) Good Luck and God Bless. Oh and PS......taking care of a mixed up, terribly sick father is NOTHING like fixing corporations. It's all business at a company environment. All emotional and draining with loved ones. You only want the best for them. You can find another job but you can only take care of someone once and do it the best you can. Sounds like you are doing a great job!

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Finally found a placement for my dad - Yes! Now I feel awful and guilty.

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