Well folks. We have finally reached our in home care limit. A few of you kind souls have suggested in prior posts, but we just were not there yet (collectively). However, MIL’s behavior has escalated to the point where we do not feel it is best for her to be around in the home as it is so disruptive, we are both having nervous breakdowns. Hubby and I have both been so on edge with anticipating MIL’s moods, and she got incredibly aggressive towards me today, lunging at me and screaming profanities unprovoked. This has happened before multiple times, but something about this outburst was different and we could both feel it. MIL has made me the “chosen one” and I seem to be the target of her anger and aggression. We have decided to place her for her well-being and our mental health. I have been waking up shaking, with palpitations, and on edge knowing what’s in store for me / us and hubby has too. We have given it our best effort. Are we terrible people for doing this?

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Pay attention to this, because it's important --

1. Does NASA bring in average citizens to design and shoot off their rockets?
2. Would you be fine with some guy off the street being your child's teacher?
3. Would you agree to surgery performed on your cat by your mail carrier?
4. Would you treat your child's diabetes, pneumonia, or broken leg at home with no medical intervention whatsoever because as the parents you should just somehow know how to handle these things?

1. No
2. No
3. No
4. Yes?

That's what you and your husband are trying to do -- what all of us have been doing -- and it gets to a point where it simply cannot be faked, so to speak, by someone who doesn't know how to do the job when it escalates to this level. You've reached the maximum of your abilities to handle MIL's care, and there is absolutely no shame or guilt about it. It simply is what it is.

For her health and safety and for yours, it is time to place her where she will get the care she needs for her disease from this point on.

You have failed no one.

It is not a sign of failure. It is handing off to the professionals who know how to take it from here.
Helpful Answer (23)

Why is this question asked here on a constant basis?? Are you a "terrible person" if you bring the woman to the hospital for proper care when she's sick? Nobody ever asks that question, yet the prospect of placing a demented and aggressive elder in Memory Care brings the guilt card up as if it's a house of horrors or something!

My mother lived in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility for the last 3 years of her life bc I wouldn't delude myself I had the ability to care for her by myself at home. Instead, she had a 24/7 team of wonderful caregivers she called "My girls" to see to her every need. 3 hot meals a day and 3 snacks, outings to the mountains for scenic drives on the mini bus, activities galore, movies, socialization, doctors and lab techs coming into the MC to see her all the time, a beautiful suite, and SAFETY 24/7. I'm not a "terrible person" but a loving daughter who realized her own capabilities and my mother's needs were not compatible, and that MY life was just as important as hers. Not to mention She rarely acted out w staff as did with me, her arch NEMESIS! #Truth

What happens when you or dh get very sick or die from a heart attack after all this stress? Mom goes into managed care. Do it NOW before YOU become a statistic for no good reason. Leaving your blood on the floor is accomplishing nothing but to agitate the woman anyway. In the meantime, ask her doctor for something like Ativan to calm her down before she physically harms you.
Helpful Answer (21)

My Mom was easy but I could not deal with the unpredictability of Dementia. I need order and there is no order in Dementia. I was there 24/7 her first year with us and she was in Daycare the next 8 months. But, bringing my Mom to live with me was never thought to a permanent thing. She went to AL first and adjusted well. It felt good not to be wondering what next. I got such a good night sleep that first night. I still had to make sure she had Depends and her toiletries. Took her to doctor visits. But what really lifted the burden was Long-term care. I allowed them to do her laundry. I know weird, but I didn't have to look for sales on Depends. Everything she needed was supplied. No more pinching pennies so her money would last. She went on Medicaid and I allowed the NH to be payee for her SS and pension so no more writing checks. Just visit. No more doctor visits, there was one at the facility.

Please never feel guilty. This is a situation not even a professional could deal with. Glad you have made the decision to place her.
Helpful Answer (18)

Short answer. No. Protect your peace. End of story.

Editing as that short answer felt harsh, to add, when you are in the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) it is difficult to think clearly. I'm glad you are both on the same page about it.
Helpful Answer (11)

As always placing someone in ANY facility is a tough decision that is fraught with one or more of the several "g" words. Guilt, Grief, Gloom, Gratitude.
But in a facility AL. MC or SN a person will be safe and cared for. Now it will not be the same 1-1 care ratio that they get at home but someone is always there. And in most cases the facilities have been built with safety in mind.
You are not "terrible" for placing someone in a place where they will get the care they need at the level they need.
Helpful Answer (10)

You had thought you were Saints? You weren't. You are human beings with limitations. You are not guilty. That's for felons who have malice aforethought and create havoc, loving it all the while. You are GRIEVING. That's the other G-word, and the appropriate one for your situation.

Not everything can be fixed. Not everything can be made perfect and wonderful. Some things have to be endured the best way you can

It's a kind of hubris to think we are Gods who have control of everything, who can fix everything. A just aren't. The job description for a Saint is pretty bad. They have to try to fix everythng for us, we shoot them full of arrows, then they go to heaven and we pray to them to fix everything for us.

Allow yourself the grief. This is worth grieving. Visit. Be as kind as you can. Understand the grief and pain of your elder. Embrace that you have done what you can. I am so sorry for the pain, but so glad of your decision.
Helpful Answer (10)

Not terrible at all. Its the right thing to do. Once you get her placed slowly the guilt you feel will subside.

Not that you have anything to feel guilty about but I get that guilt feeling when you have to do something you know you have to do but know the other person is going to be upset about it.
Helpful Answer (9)
Catlover99 Mar 2023
Yes, it is. We have tried to keep her in the home and out of a home but her aggression and frequent outbursts make it impossible to live in any type of peace and harmony, much less with children in the house. Trying to care for someone who, in their mind, has you as the bad guy, is impossible. Very tough, but necessary. The aggression is what changed things.
Yay! So very happy for you. Now you can resume your life in peace.

No reason at all to feel guilty! You are doing what is necessary. You can feel badly that she is suffering from her situation.

I think that you will be surprised at how she will be able to adjust to her new surroundings. So often, our loved ones do better with others than they do with their families.
Helpful Answer (8)
Catlover99 Mar 2023
So excited!!
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I’m so sorry that you feel guilty for trying to do the best for all involved. I hope her meds will be adjusted when she’s placed and i hope you can get your like back, guilt free.
Helpful Answer (8)
Briana Mar 2023
Nothing terrible about this, it is overdue. Great news!
Helpful Answer (7)

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