First visit from caregiver tomorrow, any advice?

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First visit from caregiver tomorrow, any advice?

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Tomorrow we start a new era, someone is coming to stay 2 hours with us to get to know us, and for me to be comfortable leaving my husband with her. I am so nervous, have never had any help for anything, but will need this sooner than later. This is the beginning, I am in tears tonight trying to come to terms with this. If I were someone telling me this, I would advise me to grow up and stop whining. Why can't I take my own advice? Got any ideas?

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So, how did the meeting go?

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HisBestFriend
Dec 8, 2021
Thank again, for a lovely caring answer! It went well, the young lady turned out to be spouse to someone else who works for us during the warm months! My DH was grumpy but managed to come round and they shared a little time looking at his hobby stuff! She was great and I look forward to having her back !

Thanks for calming me down! Appreciate it!

HisBestFriend
Dec 8, 2021
I'm back, 97, all in one piece! It went well, she was a lovely young lady, made the effort to talk to the grumpy one and is winning him over. A couple more visits and they will be pals!
Appreciate your input so much, thanks again!

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HisBestFriend,

First of all, please don’t be so hard on yourself. Cry all you want and then cry some more, if you want. What you’re going through with your best friend is very, very difficult…but, you will find that as life ebbs and flows, so do the silly and sweet moments that keep us close. You will get used to this facet and if you try, you’ll find the silver lining.

I would kindly suggest you find a caregiver support group to join, if time allows. It’s helpful to see how others cope and you will find friends who really “get it.” I learned a lot from the friends I made, who were going through the same, with all kinds of family members.

If you really want to take your own advice, there is a way I was taught by my therapist: Tomorrow tell yourself you will cry for four hours—or whatever amount you feel a need to cry for—(set the timer), then the following week, change the crying to only three hours and continue until you’re not crying all of the time, but enjoying the positive changes you will see in your husband.

Lastly, it’s not a bad idea to get a babysitter spy camera and place if in a concealed place, but will also give him a good place on camera. So you are going to have to tell her that you have a camera running.But eventually she’ll forget about it. And stop home without telling her you’ll be stopping, while you’re there, look at everything and it’s place. When you return, ask her why ? If you see things where they shouldn’t be and get solid answers. Give a friend with a key snd ask them to stop by at times she wouldn’t do anything or expect company and find bow she’s doing. Also be e tea careful about how you word things so there’s nothing left to guess, along with telephone numbers to get in touch with you. Leave clear instructions. Maybe some time you’ll ha d the opportunity to be with her while she’s there and you can learn safe ways to transport him and change him if that’s necessary.

Please ask anything you like. And I’d love to know how it’s going so far.

Wishing you and he the strength you didn’t know you had along with the love the will never end.

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HisBestFriend: You are doing the right thing, though understandably you are nervous. Come back here to tell us about it. You are a STELLAR caregiver.

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Your fears are legitimate. I was in the same place as you 11 months ago. I was very exhausted and overwhelmed, but uneasy with having a caregiver come. I started having her come once a week for four hours, then twice weekly, and now three times week a week for four hours. I am very comfortable with my caregiver. I do not have her do any household chores. She plays games with my husband, watches TV, etc. I can go shopping or have lunch with a friend and know that he is well taken care of. I am enjoying my "me" time. Give yourself permission to have a little time for yourself. You will be glad you did. (((((Hugs to you)))))

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Of course you are nervous, and I would be too. I would be upfront and honest and just state your honest feelings. The caretaker may feel the same. Go gently and lay down some initial boundaries and rules and get to know each other. But here is the most important thing - it is perfectly "normal" when we meet someone new, we feel we "click" or we are not compatible. We just know - look at the personality they have and get a sense if you two and the patient would mesh. For example, I am handicapped but force myself to do everything myself. But if I ever had to have help, I need someone warm and caring and very outgoing. It is impossible for me to have people around me who don't speak or who are very cold and distant or very short in their replies. I would be miserable and would make them leave. I do not ever want anyone who is not very open and friendly and interactive. I could not handle it and refuse anyone like that now to help - and there are too many here like that. Let the chemistry help you know if you have the right person.

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Basically you want a caregiver who is upbeat, respectful, gentle and kind. But when you have strangers coming into your house it's also a good idea to lock away your valuables and also financial papers.

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Just remember...this is your home. There should be no disrespect to you. Like everyone, no two people to a job the same. But you do have a right to ask certain things of the aide. She needs to clean up after herself and your husband. Like I said before, she does not make more work for you.

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You will be meeting a new person and getting a feel for how well this person fits your needs. Your caregiver should feel like your ally in taking care of your husband and the household. You may be delightfully surprised by what a relief it is to have some extra help and support. If the new caregiver is grumpy or negative or is in some way not a good fit, don't give up. Another person may be just right.

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Be positive. We have been through this many times. If you are using a service, you can ask for someone else if you really are not comfortable with your caregiver. It is a journey and you are both people who need to establish excellent communication and trust. Trust is going to take some time. Your caregiver has experience in this if they have been in the job for a while. My Mom has liked some of her caregivers, and not others. We have to accept if I am not comfortable, or she is not, we have to change something. For her routines are very important, and someone who does not talk too fast, older caregivers are better for her. For me, it was to establish good communication and a way to keep in touch and what is important to me. They have to support my rules with my Mom. You have to tell your caregiver what is important, how often you want to be informed.

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This is a wonderful opportunity. Don’t feel badly- the help will be immense.

Use this opportunity to set the tone. If there are any “please do not——s” say them now. (That is much easier and more comfortable than correcting the action later).

Here is one to start you off - “Please do not spend time on your cell phone.”

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Your decision sounds like it was a thoughtful one and a necessary one. So, meet the person and understand that YOU make the next decision... is this person a good match for your husband. You may take some days to decide.
The only other advice I would offer depends on your husband's ability to understand. For us, we always make sure to include our loved one in conversations about care when talking to the caretakers. Instead of referring to my loved one as SHE, we include her as part of the planning. Don't know if that's for you... just works for us.
Good luck and do NOT consider it "whining"... the worry is real.

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Nothing to worry about.
Caregiver works for you and if you or your husband don't like the Caregiver, you can ask for a different one.
I would have cameras installed in the Home so I would be more comfortable when away.

I used Nest Cameras and they were pretty easy to install and I felt more comfortable when away that I could check in ND see how things were going anytime 24 7 just by using my cell phone or laptop.

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Yes, don't take your own advice ! Would you really tell someone to stop whining? What you need - and all of us need - is compassion and understanding.
* I hope / presume that tomorrow is a 'meet and greet' vs an actual day where you will leave your husband in care of this person - ?
IDEAS:
* write questions out before she arrives.
* depending on how verbal / cognition of your husband, ask him what he would like to know about this person.
* certainly ask about references, both work and personal and then CALL the references.
* give this person a couple of possible scenarios of what might / could happen (that you are actually concerned about) and ask her how she would handle it / these situations.
* remember, interviewing doesn't equate hiring. This is a meeting to meet and see if it is a fit - for you and your husband.
* What are the issues / needs of your husband? For instance, does he have angry outbursts? Ask her how she handles these situations. Is he incontinent? Are there any issues with embarrassment for your husband with a female caregiver?
* Tell her what you would like her to do and ask her if she has experience in these areas. Lots of these situations are a combination of common sense. awareness, compassion, and patience.
* Let her know you are nervous or apprehensive as this is the first time you've had to hire someone. Ask her why she would make a good candidate to be your husband's care provider.
* Look for compassion, maturity, honesty, common sense. And, does she look you in the eye?
* Is she live scanned ? (finger printed and criminal check). You will need to do this unless she is from an agency wherein they are supposed to / required to do these things.
Lastly, how do you want to handle safety measures due to Covid? Is she to wear a mask for the time she is with you/r husband? Ask her for proof of vaccinations. If no vaccines, do not hire her. At this point, she should have the booster, too.
* * *
Gena

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This seems to be an indicator of change and most people do not like change - especially it it seems like a bad thing. The reality is we all need help most of our lives: medical staff to treat our illnesses and injuries, financial people to help us with managing our money (think about all the loans for cars and homes and school and...), people to provide us everything we use... So the need for a caregiver is just another person in a long of of helping people. This person is coming to help you provide the best care for your husband. It is a very good thing.

So, welcome this new person into your lives. Help this person get to know your usual schedule and where everything is kept. Clue him or her into what works to get to your husband to do things - and what hasn't worked for you. Let them know your husbands "likes" and a little about his past. Think of this person as a new friend. You've got this.

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It’s a good idea to install some cameras. Most aids appear good. Some are and some are not. They should NOT be on their phone while on duty and they should be connecting and working with your husband not watching movies or eating all your food. I’ve learned from personal
experience. Good luck 🍀

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I like the way you think. I didn't think of any of these things and this is really important. I'd get the cameras, too. Gena

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One of the most difficult things to do as a caregiver...(actually 2 things)
ACCEPT help
ASK for help.
And I guess another is to know you limits.
You will lose friends during this journey. They will stop calling and asking if you want to meet for lunch, or go to a movie (has anyone really been to a movie theater in the past 1 1/2- 2 years?)
People will say "OH, if there is anything I can do let me know." Well you need to take them up on the offer.
If you don't have help that day say, "That is a great offer Sue, I really need a dozen eggs and a gallon of milk. If you can stop at the store and get those for me I will make lunch and we can sit and chat."

Keep a list of things that need to be done so if someone asks you can give them the top 2 items on the list.
Your friends want to help but don't know what help you need.

If your husbands friends call up say "Bill" would love it if you came and played a game of cards with him (or talked about the game...whatever) An hour with a friend you can run to the store and pick up a few items you need. (Just make sure your husbands friend is ok with being left for an hour or so.)

It will get easier having people come in and help.

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There were no men available?

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The thing is if your husband likes her. I would not tell him she is an aide but a friend. A friend who is going to sit with him while you run some errands.

Make sure what her responsibilities are. If an agency, then she should have a job description. Remember, she is there for your husband. Look up on internet what the responsibilities are of a CNA and a HHA. They are a little different. The aide should not be making more work for you.

Just posted this on another question where someone replied that her Moms aide did not keep her room sparkling. I explained that aides do light housekeeping like dusting and running a sweeper. Their responsibility is to the person they care for. If the aide makes a mess getting lunch ready for a client, then its the aides responsibility to clean it up. But she is not obligated to clean up dishes left in the sink from the night before or clean your whole house. She is responsible if her client soils clothing or bedding, while she is present, and throw them in the washer. If client lives alone, she would be responsible for much more but when there is someone else in the household she isn't.

Also remember, you are the employer. You pay or help pay her salary. She reports to you. If she leaves a towel on the floor of the bathroom, yes she needs to pick it up and hang it up if you use it more than once. Or, throw it in the laundry basket. We had a poster complain about aides that threw wet towels on the floor even after she ask that they walk up the hall to the laundry room and throw them in a basket.

It is nice when everything works out and the aide, you and husband all like and respect each other. But remember to keep a level of professionalism. Yes, some seem to become part of the family but the problem is you can become too comfortable.

One woman had an aide bringing her children to work. They were unruly and was asking how to handle it. We gave her suggestions but don't think she came back and told us how she handled it.
Tell the aide what areas she is allowed in. You have the right to make some areas off limits. Do not leave money or any financial stuff, like credit cards, bankstatements, checkbooks about. Or expensive jewelry. Do not allow the aide to use a credit card or bank card to shop for you. Buy gift cards and allow her to use them. Do not loan her money. The agency probably has rules concerning gifting too. Some of these aides see vulnerable old people. You may not feel you are but that is what they see.

Not trying to rain on your parade, just want you aware that like in everything, there is good and bad. You need to be vigilant.

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Oh the tears are such a good release. I used to cry in the shower all the time-cathartic. Hope you might consider a therapist at one point, just to get a good handle on all the profound changes that have happened and to reconcile all of it to your new, very, very unexpected reality. It is extremely difficult. I very much liked all the caregivers my mother had, proffessional, kind and easy to work with. Glad you're doing this.
Keep coming back here, lots of information, many points of view and we're all in this together!
Also, if any agency, anyone related to your husband's care, doctors, nurses, who ever offers you anything-take it! My Aunt told me she turned down extra help for her father with dementia and it was the biggest mistake she ever made, thinking she could do it all. I took her advice to heart and I had all kinds of extra stuff (note pads, pens, info) when caring for Mom.

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Good for your for getting some help, sooner rather than later. It is kind of a big deal, so give yourself permission to react to it. If you need to cry, that's OK. Cry. Even if you cry in front of the caregiver! I bet you won't be the first. It's normal to be nervous with change.

I had my first caregiver experience with help for my mom 2 days ago, and it went so well! The caregiver was very nice, friendly, knowledgable, helpful, etc. She was not bossy or domineering. Gave suggestions in a friendly fashion. I could not have asked for a better experience!

Good luck. Let us know how it goes. I bet it's one of those situations that we all get in sometimes where we worry about something and it all ends up so much better than we could have expected.

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Thanks so much,again! I am calmer this morning! The call that she was coming came out of the blue last night and threw me for a while. We have been on a waiting list for quite some time. I'll be back with results later, I can't tanks you enough for responding!

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First, I love it that you asked for advice.
And it is so understandable that you are nervous, a stranger arriving that will get to know your family's personal needs intimately.

Welcome the help, it truly is a new era.

But that is not my advice. Here it is: (Because I already made some mistakes having help come in):

Treat the caregiver as a professional, and expect from her/him the same.
Think on these things:
1) The caregiver will have no authority over you, and should not start telling you what to do.
2) The caregiver will not solve all of your problems or take over (should not take over).
3) Keep your boundaries up.
4) No need to share everything or too soon.

Come back and ask anything of your fellow caregivers here.

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Hello Send! You did send help and I appreciate it so much. I often say I am doing a job I have no training or desire to do. I just happens to so many of us.
The down and dirty ground rules are so helpful to remember, too. I will try to keep them in mind. Thanks for responding!

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Consider that this could mean more to you than someone coming to get to know you for two hours. It’s another person being welcomed into your inner sanctum so to speak. And it’s an acknowledgment that help is needed. and perhaps it’s a release of stress in knowing that help that is truly needed is on its way. It is a life changing moment in time, in you and your DH lives. A pivotal moment where you acknowledge that your time on this plane is shifting and advancing.
My advise is to relax and receive the help that is offered as a natural progression of life and know that you can take a breath now and spend more quality time with your DH.
‘Please come back and let us know how it goes.

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Hello 97! Thanks so much for responding, means the world to me that you all are so kind and caring on this site. I am a little more calm this morning and better able to handle this. I have known the time was near, DH needs this as much as I do. I am the only firewall he has, so I must be willing to have a backup. All the plans written in binders are no good if no one knows where they are or what's in them!
I'll be back at some point, sooner or later to let you know how it went! Thanks again, so much!

First visit from caregiver tomorrow, any advice?

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