For those of us who do not have siblings, how do you cope?

There are many of us onlies on here. I grew up as an oddball Irish Catholic only child. Late in life baby for my parents.
After my mom moved to my city in 2013 I spent many a Saturday, which was my day amongst all the other days that I took care of her that I most wished I had an older sister who was also somehow a nurse to help me navigate everything my mom needed. Saturdays I did her grocery shopping, laundry, took her meals and of course had to entertain her in some way too as well as attempt to diagnose many minor medical maladies.
Now that she's in AL, life is easier. Watching the struggles in my husband's family caring for his ailing parents was eye opening to me. He's the only boy and the baby and was deemed the wild one. They saw him as unreliable long into his middle age years even when he got into recovery for his addiction. His middle sister was also deemed a flaky and unreliable hippie since she never married and led a somewhat bohemian life. His oldest sister was the only one they felt was reliable and man did they lean on her. We were all willing to help but were dismissed much to the frustration of all. I listened to my oldest SIL vent endlessly but it was as if she had no siblings in her parent's eyes. It took a horrible toll on her health and I'm shocked she didn't die before they did.
I don't know, I just carry on and do the next thing in front of me to do. I don't have to consult anyone and in some ways it's easier. I have this forum to consult and vent to and several friends that aren't sick of hearing about it yet. What I needed was outside help, mom was very unwilling to accept that until she had her Last Big Fall which landed her in AL. Guilt lurks around the corner all the time for me too, but I tell it to piss off, I've done the best I can and take it one day at a time.

I was an only child. My mother passed away in April. She went into AL in 2013. We moved south in 2016 and she moved into AL here then. Some of those years seemed trying until a series of unfortunate events required her to be in SN for the remainder of her life. That often became heart wrenching.

There are countless stories here posted by those with siblings who receive no help from them. I can only take solace in knowing that it was up to me to try to make the best choices for her care. It would only have become more troublesome if there were siblings not doing their share or in disagreement with certain choices. There really weren't many options once she became bedridden.

When I read posts from other only children I revert to that thinking and am at least glad there was not conflict. It is your only option and one way of thinking regarding this issue. Wishing you the best in your journey.

I am the oldest of 4, with brother dying at 29 and sis dying at 45. Remaining sib is 62, diagnosed with schizophrenia at an early age and in a NC group home for 30 years. I Live about 400 miles from mom, who had been falling since 2004, but would only accept minimal homecare. I Finally placed her in skilled nursing in 2021. My sister would rotate from group home to moms every month or so until COVID, an iffy prospect as mom also had dementia. I had been managing moms care for a decade through her resistance. Guilt over placing her was part of the process, also constant pressure from sister to transport her to moms, then to nursing home. We Zoom bimonthly. I am turning 70, and last had sis transported to moms house for one week. She takes about 20 meds a day, and has little independence or stamina, even though she begs to see mom, once she gets there she can barely tolerate the visit. I feel additional guilt about not wanting to include her in visiting process, as she has no idea how difficult this is for me. So, I have double guilt, which I try to mitigate with Zooms calls and letters. I try to focus off it, and on my DH(who has cancer) our kids and our life. Just retired and would like to have a little fun. Taking a “guilt free vacation “ or two is in order…

Hi Faith. I ended up as the last man standing after my brother and sister died fairly young. My folks were in their early 80s when my brother died and they stared failing soon after and needed lots of help. They were very stubborn and I could only do as much as they would allow until it became unsafe for them to be in their home.

I lived three states away from my folks but luckily had just retired and could make the long drive as needed.

it’s a long story but eventually I was able to get them into assisted living. It was a rough transition, dad had dementia and mom was falling all the time.

I went through the guilt and second guessing myself about their care. It helped to talk with some good folks on this site. Loads of people have managed difficult care situations by themselves. You can do it. There were times when I didn’t think I could keep going as so much was going on with two elderly parents at the same time.

My folks are gone now and over time I’ve quit bearing myself up about the past. We do the best we can with the hand we’re dealt.

You just do what you have to do. "Guilt flu" is temporary. Every situation is different. I have operated without my sib for a very long time. Fortunately, I have a wonderful husband who cares. Sometimes siblings and legalities offer nothing but drama. Thankfully, my husband had talked about what we're now doing as a possibility for years. We've recently had to (and unexpectedly) deploy our "Plan B" if the facility "Plan A" didn't work out with a rogue sib. Sad but true in our case.

Siblings can be a blessing and/or a curse. At least you will never have the curse. But you still can have many blessings!

Siblings are Not what you think if anything they cause More problems . One brother disappeared 20 years ago. A sister Moved to California 34 years ago . It is Not what you think -

FB, my mom was nothing like your dad, but still, visiting her each week was a chore--between the 90 minute drive each way, coming up with an hour of "material" to chat about (mom had dementia and aphasia), and trying to control my own overwhelming sadness at her poor physical state--it just left me spent each week.

I developed a system of "treats" to give myself as a sort of reward--an ice cream cone or takeout sushi while in her area and a very cold glass of white wine when I got home--work a system to reward yourself each time you visit.

Another Mega Fixer here, with some advice from experience .

In response to your last sentence in your last post about Dad adapting and being happy ……..
FB, please don’t hold onto the hope of Dad being happy . That will interfere with your own happiness . The elderly are not always happy with placement and even if your Dad was , there is a chance he would never admit it to you . Some elderly are fine in their new facility but will put on the pout face and complain when their visitors come .

His happiness is not your responsibility . You did not make him old . His living situation is due to age and illness . If he chooses to not try to make the best of it , there is nothing you can do to change that .

FB, thanks for posting your update here; having many different threads about one situation can be confusing!

Like you, I am a "fixer". When I finally realized that there were no "good" solutions to my mom's health issues, only the "least bad one", I started to gain perspective and make better decisions for her AND for me.

The other thing you can't "fix" is the fact that your dad is stubborn and unrealistic in his assessment of his abilities (and yours!).

THAT you're just going to have to let go of. It sounds like the doc is a gem!

I'm posting under my last question because I did not see where I could just make a statement without asking a question. Today is the day that my father will be transferred from the hospital to the NH. As stated earlier, the plan is for him to be there 60 days and then they will reevaluate but the doctor is recommending long term care. I know many of us here have been through this process and although my father and I have had a difficult relationship, I do feel sad. I have learned from my counselor that this is probably due to me being a "fixer". I want to fix everything and everyone without even considering myself. This is due to my difficult childhood. I want to "fix" my dad's health issues so that can be able to live at home but this is not possible and I will have to come to terms with this. Although I'm glad he will continue to have 24/7 care, there is that part of me that wants to be able make all well again. I ask that all of you pray for me to be able to accept this and begin to live the life that I deserve to live and that my dad will adapt to his new arrangement and be happy.

I have gotten my support through friends and other people I know in the medical community. That's where I get the most knowledge and TLC.

You’re probably more likely to get understanding and emotional support from other people who have been caregivers , than siblings who haven’t .
Seek support here . from counseling, a support group , and perhaps friends .

I am an only. I have always been ferociously independent, but also an over-thinker. Knowing that I over-think helps me to move forward once I’ve made a decision. It’s researched so it’s time to act without looking back.

True, there were times I wished I had siblings so everything didn’t land on me. (assuming I’d have siblings who would help)

Overall I appreciate that being an only allows me to make decisions and act on them without having to contend with a committee.

I quite understand your wish that you had a sibling to help you make decisions about your father’s care. Even though it’s difficult for you in this role, in my opinion you are better off this way. If you had siblings, the chances of in-fighting and blaming could have potentially been a problem and the family dynamics might have been a mess.

Do not feel guilty for placing your father into a NH; you have made the best decision for him. You can go and visit your father in the facility as often as you wish then you can go back to your place and enjoy your peace and quiet.

I too was an ”only”, TWICE.

When I cared for my mother, I was POA and sole beneficiary.

I took care of her in my home when she left the hospital at age 89 with a partially successful shattered hip, realized after 9 months that no one was benefiting from that, placed her in an excellent local SNF visited almost every single day for her entire 5+ year stay, saw her flourish in their care, and paid almost a million for it, HER money and worth EVERY CENT.

Eleven years later, I entered into a similar situation, this time as independent POA with a second “trusted” POA who left as soon as the LO was placed in the AL of my mother’s previous residence and moved 1,000 miles away. We POAs were once as close as siblings.

I managed all of the care of that dearly loved family member for the 5 years she was in care, visited at least 3 times/week until the pandemic struck, wrote 5 checks per month, maintained contact with the nursing staff, therapists, and residence management, brought small gifts and cards on holidays, arranged treats for staff(s), took care of any issues that arose, arranged for her funeral, and loved her dearly every minute she was in care.

The other POA wrote one check, once a month, visited two or three times a year, and harassed ME constantly via email.

Be careful what you wish for…….

From what I am told it seems like more of a blessing if you are an only taking care of a parent. My friend has a sister and felt pushed away when it came time to make decisions about her dad.

I'm an only. I can make decisions without having to run it past anyone else or listen to how they would have done it better(but didn't). I don't have to feel angry at someone who is not pulling their weight or self righteous that they aren't doing as much as I am. Sure it was all on me but I had peace of mind knowing that from the start. I think people with siblings expect that they will all step up eventually and are devastated when others don't want to get in as deep as they are. I don't have to deal with that crushing (although self inflicted) disappointment. My mind is free to get the job done rather than dwell on what others aren't doing.

First, I would make everyone aware that you are not the option. So when Dad is re-evaluated, know that if he is 24/7 care that he cannot return home. That you will not be responsible for him nor will you be in charge of finding him aides to do his care.

I might have as well have been an only child. My brothers, one 7 hrs away the other going thru a divorce, were no help to me. I held the POAs and I made most of the decisions. My brothers never interfered. I consulted with one brother and that concerned the house. I made all decisions concerning Moms care.

In your position, if you don't have POA, I would allow the State to take over Dads care. If he is now in a NH, all his needs will be met. They should have a list of things they provide. That would be his toiletries, Depends if he needs them and meals. They should have a doctor or more associated with them so no need for one where he needs to be taken out of the building. If he is taken to the hospital, the NH has him transported and arranges to have him transported back to the NH. If you don't have POA, no need to go to the hospital. He has his laundry done by them. If on Medicaid, he will get a personal allowance. In my State its $50 a month. Mom never used it so I let it ride. That way if she needed any clothes, the money was there. They have clothing donations that can be used for Dad. When my Mom went into a NH, I felt a lot was taken off my shoulders. I just visited.

You'll be fine. Just be firm in that your are not and will not be responsible for him. He is now safe and cared for and thats where he needs to stay.

I got some news for you:

Family is great until they're not.

Having siblings doesn't automatically make it 'better' or easier to deal with an aging parent. In fact, MOST of the 'drama' we had over mom was due to infighting with the sibs (and it was really not true infighting, just we couldn't all agree on anything and the POA's wouldn't do ANYTHING.)

My OS and I stepped away and simply let things happen. She was cared for by our YB and it was OK. Not great, and for years she begged me to take her in, but I couldn't (and wouldn't) and said "Mom, you chose R over any one else, so this is your life."

It's was nice growing up with a large-ish family, but it was HARD to deal with all the personalities and stuff when mom & dad were failing.

Yes, a lot is put on you, but it is what it is. I'm haven;t spoken to my YS since my mom died and might never speak to her again (over some perceived slight)....If I want to talk to one of my sibs, I have to reach out to THEM. They never call me first. Never.

So sometimes I DO feel like an only child. I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

Every family has their own set of circumstances.

Some people have siblings that are supportive. They look out for each other and work together as a team.

Some people have siblings that are not helpful and they wish that they were an only child so that they didn’t have to deal with siblings who cause trouble for them and their parents.

It really comes down to making the best of the cards that were dealt to us, right?

We have to find peace with whatever our circumstances are instead of looking at the ‘grass is greener’ approach.

I wish you peace in your life. Find support wherever you can. You’ll get through this.

Please know that you can always count on this forum to vent or chat about your concerns. This forum was and still is a source of comfort to me.

I was able to find an ‘in person’ support group in my area when I was a caregiver for my mom. It does help to have face to face interaction with others who are going through similar issues.

I'm an only child and always felt lonely as a result. I hated having no siblings to lean on to help me thru the long caregiving years with the folks, and the lonely growing up years with nobody to talk to about how crazy mom was and the insane things she did that I was forced to keep secret. Yes, we read all about the horrible warfare between siblings here on the forum, but you're asking how to cope WITHOUT siblings. Not everyone has ogres for siblings. My DH grew up with brothers and sisters who are all close friends to this day.

I coped by learning to trust myself and my instincts with regard to my parents bc I had their best interests at heart AND my own best interests at heart. I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself or my marriage for my parents, but I wanted to make sure they had the best and SAFEST life possible as they got very old. I learned to make decisions w/o second guessing myself (for the most part). I leaned on my husband who's super supportive also. I was always there for mom and dad, advocating for them but backing off when they irritated me. I had no pushback from siblings to contend with, so my decisions were not argued with.

When your intentions are good, you can trust your decisions, imo. Your father is in the right place now, thankfully, and the doctor will keep telling him that at each re-evaluation every 2 months. This situation has nothing to do with you, bc you didn't cause his age or his related illnesses and issues.

Faithful, what wonderful news you bring us.
Do pass by your counselor my suppostion that guilt infers causation. You didn't cause your dad's problems and you can't cure them; therefore guilt is the wrong g-word. The right one is g-rief!
I do think getting stuck in "guilt" lets us stop the hard work of examining the facts, and the final knife to the heart that you have a parent of such limitations that he has not protected you, but burdened you; a counselor can so help with that.

You suppose a sibling would have helped. Maybe.
I had a brother, 7 years older, my soulmate who got me through every dark woods in life, until he got Lewy's dementia and I had to help HIM get through. So yes, a sibling can be a godsend. But you are a regular here, a member of our community helping others, and you see some of the sibling stories, with two fighting over a weakened and failing parents, literally splitting the parent in two.

I would have wished a big brother for you, one who would be Hansel to your Gretel and keep you feeling SAFE all your life; but I would caution you that seeing the loss and failure of such a one would have left your heart broken. Worth it, that. So I DO wish you had had that big brother.

Take care. I am so glad to see things looking up for you, and hope to see that continue on. You have a lot to share; we need you.

Not everyone that has siblings gets the help and or support that you seem to think everyone gets.
Yes in an ideal world every one would help each other but that does not always happen.
Read some of the posts and you will see that there is everything from antagonistic behavior, backstabbing, undermining, theft, disregard and on and on. And a few that get along.
You do not have to consult with other family members to get the OK to do what needs to be done for your dad.
If something needs to be done you can approve it without making 2, 3 or more phone calls, arguing with 2 of the 3 that dad needs to see a dermatologist, or he needs a new pair of shoes.
On the other hand I get that you want to bounce your thoughts off someone else just to make sure you are making the right decision.
If you have the information at hand and you make a decision based on that then that is all that can be expected. No one is perfect but if you make choices with his best interest at heart you can sleep well at night knowing you have done all you can do.

I don’t want to minimize the pain you are going through as an only child. I can only say for myself that having a sibling makes things worse.

I am responsible for everything for my mom from physical to financial (including bodily care, care of my mothers run down, cluttered, home, paying bills, hiring a lawyer).

Not only does my sibling not contribute, but mom has given him thousands of dollars. This happened shortly before she went on hospice, before I took over her finances. Now she asks me to get cash to give him. I I told her “I” will be responsible for that cash when she has to apply for Medicaid. I have to remind her a couple times a week that I can’t do that.

My brother makes more than I ever have, but he is deeply in debt. That is his own affair, not moms. I deeply resent her giving him money after he lived in her house rent and utility free for 10 years (due to his filing for bankruptcy). He didn’t even help maintain the house while he lived there.

The good thing is that he supports all of my care decisions. A lot of folks on this board are not only providing all the care, but enduring sibling’s unhelpful suggestions or outright criticism.

Sorry for the rant. I wish you the best. You are doing the right thing.

Having siblings is sometimes worse! You’d think that everyone would work together for the good of the parent, but sibling issues break up families when someone gets sick. Sometimes the wounds never heal.

You are doing fine without them.

Yes to Oedgar23's mention of Durable (as opposed to springing) PoA (and also make sure you have FPoA as well.

For my own Mom and also MIL I downloaded the appropriate, vetted and fully legal forms from Legalzoom.com (where you can also discuss anything with their attorneys, for each different state). Make 2 copies: 1 for your Dad and 1 set for you. Check if the facility has a notary. If they don't you can find mobile notaries. In most cases the signing will require 2 non-family witnesses. If you are an only you DO NOT need to spend $$ to go to an elder law attorney to do this. Maybe have a social worker come in to explain to him what happens to people who become incapacitated and have no legal representative (hint: guardianship by the county). Whatever it takes to incentivize him to give you authority to help him.

POA is a must. When my mentally ill mother showed up at my door for help, we went through two lawyers. She had a big urgent surgery on the horizon, and reluctantly signed a springing POA, in spite of their legal assistant trying to convince her to do immediate. I was then referred to an elder lawyer, because I knew she’s going to end up in a Medicaid nursing home bed at some point.
The first thing the elder lawyer said was “your springing POA is useless. You tell her she signs immediate or you can’t keep helping her.”
So I told her that what we’d done was useless, and she signed an immediate POA. She has enough mental capacity to give POA. There was never any question about that.
I like the idea of havjng an agreement about next steps if elders needs increase or caregiver is overwhelmed. I wish I could do that with my mother. I can’t trust her that she will do anything easily. For example, going into her surgery, we were told she would go to rehab for a week. She seemed happy about it, and was aware that I was doing things like buying her clothes and labeling them. But behind my back, she was telling her friends that she did not intend to go to rehab. But under normal circumstances with a mentally sound person. This seems like a good plan.
I have one sibling who lives 350 miles away, and will not help. We were both estranged from mother for many years, and he did not have the misfortune of her showing up at his doorstep. I am very between not thinking much about it and being really angry with him. The stress of my mother’s care is a constant thing on my mind. I am just sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop.
editing to add that my mother herself was a legal assistant for 35 years. So this is made it extra hard to get her to cooperate with signing anything because she knows exactly what she’s signing and does not trust me.

FB, I'm so glad that you're starting not to respond to his statements.

That's one smart doctor! Getting dad to agree to 2 months is a start. Let all of this be in the doctor's hand.

We got mom to agree to a 3 month trial in an IL facility "just for the winter", because it was impossible for us or caregivers to get to her in storms. By the time spring came, mom was settled.

I'm an only but I have lots of close cousins who do have siblings. Let's not romanticize the existence of siblings, shall we? There are some benefits to being an only in a caregiving situation: if you read other posts on this forum you'll find that many times they are useless because we can't make them help us; we don't have to fight over decisions for parents or deal with petty grudges from childhood (Golden Child stuff), etc.

It's great that your Dad is in a NH. If I were you I'd not discuss him being "reevaluated" because that may be giving him false hope of release -- and back to your stress for you... so don't bring it up and if/when he does, give him a brief answer like, "Yes, we'll have to see what the doc says" and then move on to an unrelated topic. My MIL is bedridden in LTC but often wants to go home. We tell her she can when she can demonstrate her ADLs for the doctor. This way her frustration is focused on him, not us.

With my 94-yr old Mom living in her own house next door to me, we have an agreement: she transitions into a facility when either a) she is no longer safe being in her home, or b) I, as her caregiver, am overwhelmed by her needs. Period. Every once in a while when she makes a comment hinting that she'd fight going into a facility, I bring up the agreement and she concedes.

As long as you know what next steps will be AND you are his PoA, then knowing your plan should take some of the stress out of it.

But if you're not his PoA... yikes. I'd tell him that a condition of you helping him is that he assigns you this authority. My Mom is already becoming more stubborn, illogical and unreasonable and if I had no legal ability to enforce a "best solution" for her, I think I'd just let the county have guardianship for her. Cuz that's what will happen with your Dad if you have no legal control and he won't cooperate. Or you yourself can pursue guardianship through the courts, which can be pricey and time-consuming.

Maybe find a local support group (or Zoom group) as well. And yes, this forum is a great resource. I wish you much wisdom, clarity, courage and peace in your heart on this journey!