For those of you that don't have a relationship with their parent, how can I manage no relationship and making sure she is safe?
So, for the second time in 6 years my mother has decided she does not want me in her life. However, this time I'm okay with it. I'm much happier not dealing with her each week. I did not come to the lightly, it's taken 8 years of therapy to get to this point. I was devastated the first time she made that choice. I will never be the person she wants me to be, I can't. I've seen her for years cut people out of her life and then draw them back in again. I'm not doing that. I knew at some point it would be my turn. This all came to a head during the pandemic and election cycle. She does not understand how I don't want to discuss guns, elections, or religion with her. She can't accept that we simple don't agree. I would rather not fight, she thrives in drama. She told me not to contact her again. I will respect her wishes. Yesterday (Mother's day) was a bit rough but I'll get by. But my real questions is I do worry about her aging and living circumstances. I see my husband's mother getting older and having a harder time getting around, every time I see that I think about mom. How can I manage no relationship and making sure she is safe? I'm the only living kid and she has no mate.
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Consider using her funds to hire a geriatric care manager.
Some folks seem to lack the capacity to trust anyone, including their children, to have their best interests at heart.
There really is no good solution. Have peace in your heart that you tried.
Unfortunately what happens in cases like this is you play the waiting "game"
Something will happen and she will require help. In the form of hospitalization and if she is lucky rehab. At that point it will be determined if she can continue to live on her own.
Given the fact that she has decided to cut you out of her life you may or may not be informed when this occurs.
This is on her NOT you.
Your question...do you worry about her aging and having a harder time getting around...
Sure you can worry. BUT you do not have to do anything about it.
What you do need to do is keep yourself healthy mentally and emotionally.
Your Mom has no idea how to nurture a relationship. If as a friend she pushed me out of her life, I would not be drawn back in. I had a longtime friend who had lots of heath problems leave me a nasty email. I tried her landline and her cellphone to find out what she was talking about. She refused to pick up. I called a friend who had been helping her and found out the luncheon that friend felt I should have told her about and maybe offered transportation wasn't even our class luncheon. This later was explained by the mutual friend. I felt that she owed me an apology and was not calling her until she called me. I had done a lot for this woman. Normally I would have gotten over but I had apologized a lot over the years for things I really didn't need apologize for just tokeep the status quo. She has passed and I did not get that apology. She ended up in a NH because she needed 24/7 care. Neither of her sons could do the care. It was COVID so I sent in books, flowers and purchased her Cancer caps. Got TU notes but never a call. My friend was a very negative person. Expected more out of people than they were willing or could give. Was passive-aggressive.
Your mother is pretty young at 74, and full of her own opinions on life and how she should live it, which doesn't include you, for some odd reason. And while that's an unfortunate choice on HER part, you can't change HER mind about it. This past year or so has sewn SUCH division among people and even in families; I've had to 'unfriend' my own daughter on social media because she was constantly picking fights with me! I didn't 'unfriend' her in real life though, I just told her we will NOT discuss politics or hot topics while together. She's agreed and that's the end of that mess.
If and when the time comes that your mother needs you for something, THEN you will decide how much of your time and attention to give her. For today, you will go about your life without worrying about her or devoting your time or energy to someone who doesn't want it from you. There are others who DO. Focus your energy on THOSE people instead.
Live your life in the present and don't borrow trouble from tomorrow, that's my advice. It may be years before your mother needs help or runs into trouble, needs hospitalization or your help in some way. Enjoy your life fully in the meantime, that's your right 100%.
Good luck!
I agree with the others that your mom made her choice and yes, she will probably call on you when she gets in trouble. While you have been cut out of her life, think about what you might be willing to do for her and think about the boundaries she will have to abide by.
Is there anyone you know that can keep an eye on her for you without letting your mother know? Someone who could have wellness checks on her if she isn't seen for a while.
Work on keeping yourself to be mentally healthy with the fact your mother may refuse you even if she needs you. You have no control over her actions. Live a healthy, happy life.
I wish you well and wish blessings of peace and grace for your life.
I have no idea what is best in this situation but I want to offer my support to you. Your compassion is inspiring.
You are so wise to know your limitations. I wish you peace and joy in your life.
A friend of mine once said, a long time ago, that even though my mother failed at many things and was an abusive mother, somehow I became her success story. I did cringe a little hearing that as it was a tad “woo woo” for me. But I think she was trying to say that despite my mother’s horrible parenting, I turned out to be stable and loving. I could be proud of that success and in some way also became my mother’s success - that was how to honor a parent while not being in that parents life. She knew I struggled with the whole “honor thy parents” thing. Like - how do you honor parents without a relationship? So, go be happy. Be a good person in the world.
I can and will never have a relationship with my mother. That is reality. I do oversee her care right now as she has advanced dementia and there is no one else. It’s painful. I have no feelings of “thank God I’m here and, oh, suddenly my mother appreciates me.” Fat chance. She is still awful and I have great anxiety at times. I don’t want this job. But because I have built a stable life, have my own solid and healthy family ties, good friends, and have enjoyed myself, I am strong enough, most days, to withstand this burden of care. I do no hands on care at all and never will. I have said this in other posts that I effectively act as my mother’s case manager. But there is no love there. And, I had to wait until she could no longer manage anything by herself. Her parting gift to me was to let me clean up her messes. I never want my children to go through what I am going through.
Don't task yourself in advance with this thankless job. Someone else said that your mother may pass quickly. It is painful most days, and really unsatisfying. My mother’s current accusations and her years of gaslighting me, the manipulation, the drama and and constant chaos that I experienced as a child still bother me. But I likely do the best job of managing her care and finances. That is my parting gift to her.
Over the past few years we wanted to make sure my drama-creating MIL was safe and cared for, in her early 70's, so we helped her into a senior living residence. She was doing good, but we didn't know part of her drama was telling lies about being mistreated - by her family (see Narcissistic Personality Disorder). We actually just gave her a larger audience who is trained to care for the elderly to get caught up in her drama. Not only did we have to deal with my MIL but also the management team at the residence who for some reason think they need to protect her from us. It escalated into a dangerous nightmare as we continued to spend thousands of hours trying to care for her and get everyone on the same page for her care, sacrificing our emotional well-being in the process.
You were given a gift of freedom by a toxic individual and perhaps saved you so much emotional trauma in the future... it is painful it is your mom, but we are all here to be joyful and live our own lives.
Most states have tons of help and assistance for the elderly, from transportation to meals, financial support, living situations, etc. that are available for her safety and care.
Another resource I have mentioned "toxic individuals don't get better as they age, they get more toxic." That was true in our case.
best wishes -
Sometimes in life we have to set boundaries. Seems like you have decided to set healthy boundaries.
You might still be able to check on her through a friend or by keeping it " all businesslike" . Just let her know you love her, however, you are only checking on her welfare. By telling her you are not there to visit, you keep those boundaries. Or opt to find a friend or her neighbor to check up on her.
I hired 24/7 live-in staff, because she required it. (oxygen, wheelchair, dementia)
I popped in from time to time to check on things, but it relieved me from being around my childhood abuser.
She had long-term care insurance, and eventually had to go into actual assisted living, when she required 2 people and insurance would not pay for 2.
Be careful who you choose for "live-in."
Companions and Homemakers were thieves. I did not pay the last $7,589.00 bill.
I attached the police report and I never heard from them again.
(Its NOT "libel" if you write the truth) #TrueTalk
I tried hiring help to allow my mother to remain in her own place longer, once dementia came into play. She didn't need a lot of help or oversight at the time, but I wanted her to get used to having help. It was only 1 hr/day with intent to increase time and duties as needed. Since I didn't live close enough to check on her daily and several times couldn't contact her by phone (she either didn't hear it or in one instance managed to turn the ring off the phone!), I needed some "eyes" on the situation. It was, at that time, mainly to get her used to it and to have some peace of mind that she was okay and that she took her meds (BP put in a timed/locked dispenser.) This didn't last 2 months. She refused to let them in. In her case, dementia lied to her, so she would always say she was fine, independent and could cook. Although her plans before this included moving to AL when she felt the time was right, that went out the window with dementia. Meals on Wheels? Paugh! She'd never eat that crap! AL? You'd think it was a prison hovel in the ground!
I have no proof, but find it odd that her engagement ring is missing. At some point I found her wearing some odd ring, no idea where it came from. Did one of the aides swap with her? Who knows. All I know is the diamond is missing.
That said, there is no one-size-fits-all. There are wonderful home aides. There are those who couldn't care for a toy pet. These people exist in home care and facility care. At least in a facility those who are not up to snuff might be recognized by admin and removed. We did have cameras to keep track of who came/went, but they were not in such a place that all activity was monitored.
I did step in when help was needed, due to dementia, but chose to do it my way - initially trying to get her used to having help in her place (she thwarted that) and later having to find a place for her.
There were some good times over the years, so not so good, some really awful, but that's in the past and I can't change that. I can only learn to deal with it and get it out of my system.
Worry will only eat away at you. It is very common for us to worry about things, but rather than focus on what *might* happen, change that focus onto what you can do to take care of the situation, should it happen. In your case, it may just be waiting for the inevitable medical crisis that occurs. Meanwhile, you can inform yourself on what services are available, find ways to keep an eye on her, and let what happens happen. We can't prevent anything, especially not when we are pushed away. Know what you will and will not be able or willing to do. Most likely taking her in or moving in with her should NOT be on your to-do list, should something happen.
Make up a list of services, APS, facilities, aide agencies, etc and then put that aside. You may never get the call to step in. If you do, you'll have a list of resources to fall back on. Put the worry aside. She has made her choice, for now, so just go on with your life. If something does happen, beware falling into the would've/could've/should've trap. Just as we can't prevent all accidents or injuries when raising kids, we can't prevent these from befalling our parents. We can only deal with the results. In your case, this will most likely mean leaving the decisions in someone else's hands. If she ends up in care, you can make the attempt to visit or maintain some contact, but that's up to you. There is no shame in not maintaining that, esp if they continue to push you away.
As noted, my mother wasn't nearly as bad as some. While there were many reasons why I wouldn't provide the care myself (physical, logistical and emotional), I did take on the role of overseeing it all. I have 2 brothers, but relying on them for any of this was a joke. Between their lack of understanding, help and eventually even being there for mom, I am DONE with them too. Still some paperwork to do, but once that's over, I, like you and many others, will become an "only" child! We can pick our seats, we can pick our nose, but we can't pick our relatives. We CAN choose to keep them at arm's length!
"You do the best you can that is comfortable for you."
Although perhaps this is what you are asking us -
It would help us to know (1) how old your mom is and (2) what her cognitive functioning / brain changes (dementia) is - to know what we are dealing with in terms of how to interact / support her, and YOU.
What I would do:
1. Depending on her financial situation - and yours:
- insure as best you can that she has caregivers.
- if she doesn't want, then you need to let go (and let God - ?)
2. Insure and/or get her legal documents in order, i.e., are you her POA ? do you want to be?
- Who will handle these things when she cannot ?
- If not you, can you encourage or assist her to set up a guardianship with someone else or an organization that does this?
3. Take care of yourself - as you have been. This must be very challenging for you emotionally and psychological (and other ways) although you've worked on yourself A LOT to handle it.
- Learn that you can only do so much. You have. And you still are (reaching out to us, still caring / worrying about her in the future).
- I suggest that it might be her brain chemistry (changes) that are saying to you 'stay away' vs her personally as your mother. Whatever the situation, perhaps send her a card every month or so saying you are thinking about her and/or flowers - to stay connected in a VERY distant way so you are emotionally protected from her response(s).
* If you feel it necessary block her from calls or screen so you don't have to listen to her screaming or whatever she might do on the phone.
*** Ultimately, you need to take care of yourself the best way you know how and that 'how' may change depending on the day and how you feel. Flow with it until you find a sense of equanimity in yourself that feels more constant or consistent. Your mother will do what she wants - or can. . . . as most mothers (wounded, as mine was) do. We are all doing what we can with what we got.
Warmly, Gena aka Touch Matters
Eventually, given the history, she will call you again when she needs help. To avoid the conflict of what will come after that - her cutting you out again - be prepared with some options. If there's money, assisted living - there's a nice place close to your house. I can arrange for you to visit there and see what you think. If there's no money, NH will be the option. Offer to arrange visit with an attorney to get her affairs in order - POA, Medical POA, a will, etc. Tell her you will step out of the room so that atty can talk freely with her because you want to avoid conflict with her about her decisions. If she names others for these duties, so be it. Make sure atty has correct phone numbers and addresses for those she selects.
If you have concern for her welfare now, you will feel badly later on if you do nothing to help her locate care when she needs it. So best to come up with some options and have the list ready
I suspect that she will call you one day when there is an emergency. At that point you can choose to step in or not. If you choose to step in, do so in the role of case manager not daughter. You can use your energy, if you are willing, to shepherd the assistance of others such as doctors, social workers, care facilities ect... but you keep your distance from your mother.
My feeling is this - she may be you mother and you had hoped for a close loving relationship which you obviously never had. She was not a real mother to you no matter what. Why are you so concerned? I don't feel she deserves what you are trying to do. In life we often find ourselves in these situations - do we stay and suffer and feel guilty? Or are we worth more - and we cut the ties and move on and live a normal life without this stress. This is where I see you. Why do you want to help? She does not want your help - why does not matter. She sees you as trying to make her do something she does not want to do. If she finally does reach out be prepared to give her all kinds of information on where she can get help from professionals who are there for that. Or, if you want, you might want to step in but beware of how she truly is before you take that on. And if your husband's mother is a nicer person, do help her. My motto is to help only those who treat you with respect and love.
I am POA of my mom. I had to sell her house. She was in a filthy house ran down childhood home with 2 guys they were financially exploiting her. She was now on Meth at 84 now 85 and probably started that stuff years ago by the looks of where I found needles around her room. They got her on Meth so they could control her and steal her money. She gave all her money and embezzled my grandparents money from their trust. It’s almost like she damaged her homes and gave her money away because she knew I’d end up with them when she died. I spent over 250 thousand dollars fixing her house and my grandparents house to sell. I’m living in my grandparents so I fixed that house because I live there now. Her boyfriends financially exploited her and destroyed both houses. Now she told her attorneys not to pay me back for my money put into the homes and paying her rent of 4000 dollars a month because she didn’t have a dime left out of millions of dollars she had of my grandparents and her money. and she wants to take me off as her POA and soul trustee of her parents house and property. Against my grandparents wishes she embezzled all their money too. It’s been three years four court proceedings and my life savings has still not been returned to me. It’s caused so much hardship upon me.
anyway for your question;
I do not speak to my mom because every time I do her attorneys come after me because she lies to them about me, I can’t take her anywhere or even go see her in the Adult family home because she calls the cops and tells them things like I put a gun to her head or beat her up. Thank goodness the adult family home sticks up for me and tells them we were never alone together or I’d be in jail. Now since I fixed my grandparents home after she and boyfriends dilapidated it almost to the ground. And she lost her home due to negligence. She’s trying to take my grandparents house back so she can move in. She wouldn’t have it if it were not for me fixing it. Now that she lost her home. I’m 60 and never thought I’d have to worry about living on the streets.
I speak only to the resident owners of the AFH. Only!!! To check on mom they contact me if she needs anything or they need anything.
I am telling you break all ties with your mother. You won’t be a free living spirit if you hold on to her. She’s out to take you down. You don’t need this kind of person in your life mother or not. She’s poison to you. You are better than that. And she knows your better than her. You grew into the person she wishes she grew into that’s why she treats you like that and it’s only going to get worse if you keep letting her back in your life. Go through other resources., or another person if you want to find out she’s safe. She obviously doesn’t care if your safe so don’t worry about her. Easier said than done but this is the way she chose to have things. Let her soak herself in it. She will die a lonely person if she treats people like she does.
She will find anyway to hurt you. Break the cycle. Respect yourself and take care of yourself. Do not let her make you feel guilty.