Our youngest brother has been diagnosed with laryngeal cancer recently. His oncologist has given him 2-4 months and hospice has come in.
Quite frankly, our brother looked forward to hospice, because of 'all the drugs' he would get. He is 55 years old, has never had a job and has made a life of drinking, taking and selling drugs (if he has any left). He's been in prison three times and has spend numerous months in jail. He lives on $750 per month, SSI. He lived off of my parents, when they were alive and has stolen from all his family since he was very small.
The three of us have productive, normal lives. Two of us are in the medical field.
The problem, he now expects US to pay for his formal funeral, as does his live-in girlfriend, with his internment to follow in our family plot. He will not hear of the state's cremating him nor burying him. He feels entitled. The girlfriend is on assistance, too, and is broke.
What the heck do we DO and what do we tell him?
Help us, please.
I give you condolences on the brother you had as a child. The one that was innocent and not yet broken. That is the memories I hope you choose to remember and cherish, that is who you should mourn for. The adult, that person should not be mourned.
Glad you stood you ground on the funeral offering. Since these are druggies and henchmen, please look over your shoulder, watch your back, and lock your doors, at least for a while. Take care and thanks for updating us.
Sorry for your loss.
For the loss of your brother to drugs,
and again, losing him when he passed.
Some issues are not able to be resolved. You did not ask for any of this misery. You certainly didn’t deserve it.
Hopefully, your brother’s girlfriend will do the kindest thing by just allowing you to live your life in peace. There isn’t any good reason for any future contact.
I am sorry that you had to endure a difficult family situation. I grew up with an addict. I completely understand the havoc it causes.
Hugs! Take care. Heal. I hope your future days are filled with love, peace and joy.
Left to her own devices and her not being satisfied with our only offering a simple cremation and burial of the cremains, she stepped in and financed a funeral. She got her visitation at the funeral home and the cremation. No burial in our family plot, yet, as it was not included in the price.
Let her default on the funeral. It isn't us. We heard that she and her henchmen were going to sneak into the cemetery and bury his ashes. I notified the office of the cemetery and warned them of this.
I'm glad we are rid of these sponging, thieving drug addicts for good.
You said it all!!!
The underlying problems at some point must be addressed!
I think I would simply say "We will do the best we can," and not answer any details. You are not obliged to explain yourself, nor are you obliged to do what your bro is asking. The funeral is for the living - that is you and family. If the g/f can't pay for it, she has no say. You don't spend other people's money. My experience with addicts is that they are very good at that, if you allow it.
We have opted for a simple graveside service for my mother, as most people she knew are no longer living, so there will be very few attending. It will not cost much, which was not the reason for making that decision, but is what works best for us.
Let us know how you are doing.
just nod. Then when the time comes do as you wish.
there is no reason to have the ill will of the argument over this. Save yourself the hassle of it all. Just nod...then do as you please.
Don’t give up. I know you can’t forget. No one can. I have memories that shouldn’t be a part of my childhood, as do you. You know how that is.
Ironically, my brother did believe in God. There were times he felt so useless that he felt he couldn’t be forgiven by God.
So intersting that your brother’s name is David. That is who I told him that God forgave after his many sins. Then I used the apostle Paul as an example too. Paul was his favorite apostle because Paul himself said that he was the least of the apostles and my brother could relate to that.
The last thing I said to him was to hug our dad in heaven for me, along with others. I told him I loved him, and completely forgave him. I walked out, did not say, see you tomorrow like I had been saying. I knew that he would die that day. I left. A second later he was gone.
My mom was getting tired. She went to the car while I said my last goodbye. I felt so badly for her. I can’t imagine the pain of outliving a child. I don’t think he could have died in front of her. The hospice nurses were incredible. The social worker too. Also, the clergy.
I still strugle with emotions but not nearly as much as before. You are going to get through this. If you need to talk I am here. I mean it. I have been there. I understand.
He told them over and over, not to end up like him. He did so privately because he wouldn’t have wanted me to berate him in front of them. He loved my children. They saw him as their uncle.
As much as I hated his lifestyle I didn’t berate him in front of anyone. Not my style.
Did I ever leave him alone with my kids? Never. But in the kitchen at my mom’s house he would talk to them, while sharing cookies and ice cream. I had no idea.
I never even knew that he spoke to them about it. My kids would catch me crying and didn’t want to upset me by speaking to me about him. They kept it to themselves until after his death.
They both told me the reason they never did drugs when it was all around them was because they saw their uncle suffering so much.
Don’t kid yourself about good neighborhoods and private schools. Drugs are plentiful everywhere! The only difference was in my kid’s schools they had more money to buy better drugs. Not just the kids either, a teacher at the high school was busted for dealing and using drugs with the kids. Yes, a private school!
It’s a huge and complex problem. I have school friends that I lost to overdosing. Friends that I have lost to suicide. Friends I have lost in tragic accidents.
All death is hard. But the senseless ones, the preventable ones, the kids we said a silent prayer for at school reunions, because they were dead. Their deaths stung a little more.
You and siblings hold all of the cards. You know that. You got plenty of confirmation, including from me who has first hand experience with a drug addict brother since I was 6 years old. You are free to do whatever feels right for you. This is your call.
I wish my brother would have known the dangers of drugs. We had good parents that taught us right from wrong. Went to great schools, lived in a great neighborhood and so forth but there was no education on drugs back then. It was all hush, hush. No education in schools about drugs, nor the community and my parents never expected a classmate who was lonely because his father, who was a wonderful doctor but unfortunately not an involved dad, was not in his son’s life and the kid turned to drugs to escape loneliness and asked my brother to join him. It’s called peer pressure. They both got hooked as 13 year old kids. A life long battle ensued. Some beat it, some don’t. I wish they could have. Trust me, I know the hell it creates for everyone involved.
Maybe deep down you always knew how you felt about your brother’s funeral planning but wanted others to reaffirm what you feel, you have to do whatever you feel you have to do and be at peace.
You don’t owe anything to your brother or his girlfriend. End of story. I wish you well. It’s difficult. It will be over soon enough. No one should judge what you decide.
You have a right to vent, ask advice or just chat but you know that you don’t need anyone else’s approval or even understanding to go forward with your plans.
If you feel your brother should be affirming about how you feel, all I can say is, don’t hold your breath, it may never happen. It would be nice if he did. I used to feel that I wanted my brother to understand but for whatever reason he wouldn’t or couldn’t and it no longer mattered to me. I learned to go on autopilot when needed.
Stop torturing yourself. It’s a losing battle. As I said before in other posts, you and I do not have brothers who were able to beat their demons (drugs).
I wish all addicts could overcome and I feel really good about the shift in education about the horrible disease of addiction. I do not hate addicts, just like I don’t hate sharks in the ocean when they attack. Humans are on their turf. If we are in the addict’s turf we get hurt. That’s why I eventually removed myself from his life until shortly before his death. Believe me, I desperately tried to help my brother and got chewed up pretty badly before I sought help for myself.
Many fall into addiction after terrible accidents or illness, like my other brother, extremely intelligent Tulane University, PhD graduate, super wealthy, more money than God, investment banker, doesn’t have clients under the million dollar mark, who got colon cancer and got addicted to pain meds, or my sweet neighbor after a terrible back injury becoming addicted. I am sure you will agree that not all addicts are sleazy low lifes. They were only trying to deal with pain! Did not abuse meds. They are highly addictive drugs!
In the end, I chose to forgive my brother for both of us. I am grateful we were able to be at peace with each other before he died. I am in no way suggesting anything to you about forgiveness. That is your decision. I am not judging you. There is no right or wrong here.
One final word, I benefited greatly from therapy to help with childhood and adult situations with my brother.
I actually always thought I didn’t need therapy. I thought it was my brother who had the problem and he needed therapy more. I was wrong thinking I didn’t need it and so glad that I finally realized it, other people advised me to go to therapy and I did not listen to them. That was my loss. When I did go I found answers I so desperately needed.
You don’t have to go. Maybe you already have gone. Who knows? You don’t have to explain anything to anyone if you choose not to. It’s very hard when the wound is so fresh. Take care.
I forgave my brother long ago, but I will not forget. I do hope that with death, he will receive the peace that the Lord meant for him in life; he was just unable to accept God's grace. He sought his, instead, with opiates, heroin and meth.
We were reared in a nice neighborhood and had everything. Our parents did all they could do with David; sent him to rehabs, psychiatrists and all. He was never an achiever, didn't finish high school and never sought employment. He chose his life and we chose ours. Our paths were just different. The smartest move daddy ever made was buying David an old, broken down trailer and five acres of land. It took them 7 years for them to persuade him to live there. Then, he'd come home to eat, steal some money or checks and have mamma wash his clothes.
David's first stint in prison was 3 years (daddy had the sentence reduced) for his having 15 DUIs. The second stay was another 3 years for grand theft (mamma's engagement ring) and the third time my eldest brother prosecuted David for phone fraud. Two years.
Thank you again for allowing me to vent.
We heard today that David got out of bed and began to unscrew the ceiling light fixtures, because 'the cops put cameras and microphones in the ceiling'. I understand he's addressing his girl friend as 'mamma'. His time is near.
Who is in the family plot, though? If it has always been the resting place for all members, be they saints or sinners, and it's a tradition you want to maintain, then don't exclude him for censorious reasons. He qualifies. Only exclude him if you feel you're d**ned if you're going to sub his death as well as his life. It doesn't sound as though you individually or jointly would struggle to pay the cost, so is that an issue at all, really? - and if not, then it can be paid for on a strictly voluntary basis with no hard feelings towards non-contributors on principle.
As to what you tell him... Do you normally tell him the unvarnished truth and speak your mind? Or are you discreet and reticent?
I'm puzzled to understand what the difficulty is, exactly. Clearly there IS one: he will not hear of the state's cremating him, the three of you are plunged into a quandary, therefore you clearly could not bring yourselves just to tell him to get stuffed. What did you say to him?
I'm all for not being lofty and moralistic, but then again. You don't accept somebody for what he is if in truth you just ignore what he is.
He is asking the three of you to honour his memory. Has any one of you asked him what right he has to claim this from you?
For all I know, he may be able to answer that question to your complete satisfaction. But not if you don't ask it.
I completely understand and agree that you and sibs will not be paying for his last party. However, I am confused about the plot.
What would your parents do if they were still alive? Would they plant his cremated remains in the plot? If yes, that's what I would do, if no, then he gets cremated and you give his girlfriend the remains to do with as she pleases.
I don't think people understand that a simple funeral can cost upwards of 15k. Just digging a hole is about 3k. I refuse to pay 10s of thousands on a dead body. Even for myself or my husband. Money can be used to feed the hungry or buy shoes for children, why throw away so much.
It is not up to any of you to do anything, he is a grown man and has made choices that have consequences. Time to face the consequences.
Next time it gets brought up, I would say, dang, you are getting some good drugs. And leave it at that.
Let us know what you end up doing, it helps to know how others deal with situations.
Call and ask the funeral director if there is a government thing where someone like your brother could get help with his burial. Or even the Coroner's office. Since my ex was found dead, his body went to the Coroners Office. My name was given as someone to contact. My ex had lived like a hermit and I guess had not taken care of himself. The Coroner said something about the state paying for his funeral, I asked why, he has money. The Coroner thought he was homeless. Maybe under the circumstances you could get some help.
so, it’s up to you guys. If it was me I would say whatever he wants until he’s gone then no service a brief announcement in the paper and private cremation no after party.
Unfortunately, those who collect Social Security disability benefits are sometimes mentally ill, addicted to alcohol or drugs, or have often come to a point in their illness in which they are no longer able to handle their own finances. If this occurs, it is usually necessary to appoint someone else to manage the spending of SSA benefits. This where the job of a Social Security representative payee comes in.
A convicted felon cannot be appointed as a rep-payee.
Make a visit in person to any SS ofc. And inquire.
Vivian, your question is: Other income for burial? As in from the government?
No, that is not what I meant. I was talking about assets (of his own, using his money) that are exempt resources. In other words, you can buy or pre-pay burial expenses with his income. Maybe this will help:
What Items Does the SSA Not Consider as Resources?
"When you apply for SSI disability benefits the home that you live in and the land that home is on is not considered in your resource pool. Certain personal effects are also not counted as resources, such as your wedding ring or engagement ring. Burial spaces, burial funds (up to $1,500 per person) and life insurance policies with a combined value of $1,500 or less are also not considered as resources when applying for SSI benefits from the SSA."
There may be a burial benefit for people on SSI, but I don't know. I think there is a burial benefit for people on Social Security retirement who have paid into the system. However, I do not know. (Well, I do know, but not able to share).
Sorry, but I am done answering this part of the issue, as others think they know more.
The girlfriend has no legal rights to this money.
A family member should take charge, direct partial funds to the funeral parlor? if allowed, they may help you secure it.
This idea may not be fully developed, sorry. It also may require more family involvement. Keep in mind, he will not be returning to his home, if he has one with the girlfriend, so arranging his belongings now may be wise. Selling any assets, such as T.V's, computers, etc. Do not leave anything undone to tie your family to the world of addicts, imo. Does he have a will?
What should you tell him? Nothing.
Detach a.s.a.p. with love.
I don't think I can get away with re-directing his SSI, as he uses that money for drugs. Above and beyond what he gets from hospice, believe it or not. However, upon reading your post, I'm going to consult an attorney friend.
Also, I didn't realize there are funds, not counting his income, that are allocated for funeral expenses. Please explain this to me agin.
Blessings,
V
How we live our life while we are on this earth is what really matters right? I know that doesn't answer your question "what should we do?" But truly, I'm surprised that someone like your brother who obviously wasn't concerned with life matters judging by how he led his life would really care that much about being buried in a family plot.
I don't mean to be disrespectful but when I die people can mix my ashes in with the kitty litter to be honest. My soul will have moved on and my body is just a shell anyways. By all means, have a ceremony if you wish but after that its not real important when your soul has left your body.
How he gets there is his problem. I would not have a memorial service, what would you be memorializing, after all, more pain and disappointment?
It is not the family's role to mete out punishment, or pass judgment. Imo.
It is your work now to avoid any further involvement with the girlfriend, and unless there are children involved, drop her and get an early restraining order.
You obviously have a brother, so do anything you can (without spending money) to show him every life has value, if at all you are visiting him. Do not feel worse if you cannot visit him. So sorry for your pain, and impending loss of a brother, whose behaviors made him a criminal.
My heart goes out to you. My heart goes out to everyone in your family. My heart goes out to your brother as well. I am hoping that spiritual and emotional healing can take place before he dies. Every situation is different. I would never compare mine to yours or yours to someone else.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to feel here. It is extremely hard for addicts to overcome their addiction and it is extremely hard for family and friends to cope with the mayhem.
I went through cycles of love and hate for my brother that was addicted to heroin. That is normal. At certain times I went completely numb so I could survive. Sometimes l had denial of the pain I experienced. I eventually went to therapy to help sort through it all.
My brother hated being an addict. Like your family, none of the rest of us were addicts.
Until my youngest brother got colon cancer. He became addicted to morphine, unlike my oldest brother had tons and tons of money, (investment banker) and checked himself into a fancy, swanky rehab place for the wealthy. I’m talking, about a place that medically places a person in a coma so they won’t feel the pain of withdrawal, gourmet chef, yoga instructor, amenities galore! He flew to a beautiful ocean side location in sunny California to be at this exclusive rehab!
In the end, he’s still an addict, just like the junkie on the street. Is this a better way to detox? Who knows? Some say no, they want to feel the pain to deter ever repeating it. It generally takes several times in rehab to get clean and sober.
My oldest brother who became homeless was successful at one point. He even owned his own business for years.
Addiction doesn’t discriminate. A person can be young, old, rich, poor, laborers or professionals, doesn’t matter.
My oldest brother could be loving and kind and also could be selfish and hateful.
I think long term heroin use changes their brain. He became paranoid, delusional and irrational. It complicated all areas of his life.
It was horrible when he was in the hospital for surgeries because it took a huge amount of anesthesia to put him under. Sometimes he would wake up during surgeries and start talking to the nurses and doctors. Freaked them out!
Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel. It took my therapist to say that it was normal for me to have anger,
I had been eaten up with crazy guilt. Emotions get so confusing during these times. When my brother went to prison I stopped eating. I had guilt over him eating slop while I had good food. I couldn’t eat for a long time. I had to force myself to eat again.
The therapist helped me find a healthy understanding and balance about what I was going through, also what an addict goes through.
You have made the first step by reaching out here. You will get through this. These are your decisions to make, not anyone else. Take what advice works for you and discard the rest.
Addicts end up in jail, mental institution, or dead. They overdose, commit suicide, tragic accidents, contracting horrible diseases or murdered.
I can’t say I was shocked that my brother died in hospice with HepC. I am glad they made him comfortable and he had a peaceful death.
I am personally glad that I was at his side. I didn’t want to remember the addict. I wanted to remember my brother. Does that make sense? It’s okay to love a brother but hate the addict. So if you have love for him that’s okay. I forgave my brother for both of us. If your feelings are numb, that’s okay too. If you are angry that is understandable too. No guilt from me. It’s all acceptable. The pain lingers after the death. My therapist helped me work through a lot of unresolved emotions from my childhood and adult life. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist for help. You are welcome to message me anytime. I’ve been there.
A person has to be ready to receive help and work a program. Unfortunately, your brother and mine didn’t do that. So sorry.
Tell him: 'We owe you nothing. If anything we do for you, it's out of our compassion for you as a human being."
If you plan to just give him the very basic, then tell him: "We will GIVE you a basic cremation. If you want anything more than that, you will need to pay for it."
And if you want to pay for some of the cost above the basic, tell him: "If you want more than the basic, you can pay x% and we GIVE you the rest."
Tell him: "For once in your life, before you die, stop being a leech, and be responsible. Give us something good to remember you by."