Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Um... no. One can get medical relief from anxiety while trying to discover what triggers it. In my case, anxiety and depression run in my family. My grandmother spent her life afraid, nervous and worried. She refused any medical help, crying how they’d make her addicted and ‘crazy’. She suffered for 80+ years when it didn’t have to be that way.
Meds are not the enemy. They’ve saved lives, mine included.
I take a 1/2 Ativan once in awhile when I need it, it really helps me and my Dr suggested it when she found out my parents were moving in. I am not addicted,, only take it when I need it. It must depend on the person, Alvadeer.
I think I was short with my answer because the question was so short, Pam. I am known as the 10 valium a year girl by my doctor, who swears she wouldn't give a senior like me valiums. But in a really bad time on a really bad day, that 1/2 of a 5 mg valium kept me unstuck from the ceiling with anxiety. I am sorry to be so short today. I think on the forum these days we are seeing so many "questions" that really aren't questions. They are statements without any explanation in the topic line only. I know there are DAY when it is so hard, and we need help. But the above looks more like help for a day. Or two days. Or three. It looks like mental and physical breakdown, and no explanation of why. So I made a short answer. I should apologize. OK. I DO apologize!!!!!!
Well, sure, medication like Xanax or Valium helps with anxiety, temporarily. For me, limiting my exposure to my toxic mother is what helps me the most. She lives in Memory Care and still drives me crazy, so I limit my phone calls to 6 per week, DH makes the other one, and one 25 minute window visit every Sunday. I take care of all of her finances, necessities (purchases) and everything else required to ensure the smooth operation of her life, but my exposure to her must be limited or MY health will suffer.
You have to figure out what you can do to limit YOUR exposure to the toxicity in your life. You may want to write out a real question instead of a 'header' and explain what's going on in your life that you need advice about. Many of us here are in the same boat and happy to help.
If your mother won’t take the anxiety medicine, get the doctor to give you some instead. Medication is a life saver to many people. It’s not always an addiction.
Karen, What's your current contact level with Mother?
6 phone calls a week + window visit sounds good to me like Lealonnie! Once restrictions end, once a week for a cuppa?
Or do you live with Mother? 24 loooong hours a day?
Also, what's the expected timeframe? Sheltering in place together until other arrangements become availble? Or the start of a caregiving journey lasting 2 decades to the horizon?
Sorry to pepper you with questions 🤗 the space is here if you feel more venting would help.
I have been my mothers “trigger” lately so if she won’t take anxiety medicine than I will. Wednesday night my mother called me all stressed out about medication I ordered for her. I thought she wanted it ASAP from the pharmacy and she actually wanted it delivered snail mail.
Anyway, she yelled at me and I yelled back. It only lasted a minute and I said ok, snail mail it is. You took care of it already. She hung up on me. That was 4:00pm.
She called back at 5pm in a picnic. I can’t breath she said and it’s YOURS FAULT!!! I said what did I do? She said you yelled at me an I am DYING!!! I said breathe. You are having a panic attack. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth slowly. I called 911. By the time they got to her house they got on the phone and told me she was fine. She not going to the hospital. Yeah, not my fault I keep telling myself. But it wouldn’t hurt to have some anxiety meds for ME for NEXT time. *PANIC not picnic.*
Yes anxiety meds could help you. A few years back I went through a bad state of anxiety and depression after my mother put on 20 pounds from a return month visit with my cousin who is also overweight. She had lost weight after a lengthy hospital stay and was pleased. I had worked so hard to get her placed in a AL facility and supplied all her needs for it. In retrospect I think I was mourning years of frustration of dealing with self destructive behavior I had experienced with her since childhood. My family urged me to detach. I have now. I never inquire about her weight anymore. When she calls me usually during the one hour I can't be reached while taking an exercise class and I then try to call her back but can't reach her because she has not put her phone back on the charger I just let it go. I have been over this issue with her ad nauseum. As we await the birth of our fourth grandchild I repeatedly have to tell her that it hasn't happened yet but I will let her know when it does. I know there most likely will come a time when all this worsens but I am not going to spend my present time worrying about all that is wrong and allow it to drive me to exasperation.
Karen, I looked up your posting history. Your mother has been living with you since at least Jan 2011, when you wrote that you were "so depressed" about the situation. And here we are, 9-1/2 years later. Since your mother was 67 then, she must be 76 now?
HIgh bp is very concerning (I have hypertension and take meds to control it). It can cause much damage if uncontrolled. Have you had therapy during the years of being your mother's caregiver? Taken any meds for depression? (If not, why not?)
I don't think therapy and meds to be the be-all and end-all in all situations, though. On this board we read of therapist advice which never seems to be able to do what to-the-point posters can do here. As others have posted, it is the situation that is toxic to you. And no amount of meds is going to change that.
So tell us more...how long has your mother lived with you? How did she come to live with you? (Or is it you who lives with her?) Are there siblings? What is your mother's financial situation? She obviously needs fulltime supervision. Why not a facility? Haven't you done enough?
Sure, anxiety meds could help short-term, but from what you've written you need a LOT more than that -- you need to reclaim your life!
Karen70, I just called my doctors office about anxiety meds. I just got off the phone with the nurse. She said the doctor said that’s not a quick fix. He recommended therapy and antidepressants. He won’t just give me anxiety meds over the phone and he doesn’t recommend them because they are for the short term. Such as anxiety meds people take before surgery or before having a tooth pulled.
When DH was first diagnosed with dementia, I had no problem getting anti-anxiety meds. I didn't even take one a day, but it was nice to have them when I needed them--and some days I really needed them. Later, months would go by when I didn't take them at all, but it helped to know they were available. Years later, when I needed them again, my doctor at the time did not want to prescribe them. He was the only doctor who ever gave me a problem with them. When I thought about it later, I wondered--my goodness, if they won't prescribe these for caregivers, with all they go through every single day, who are they SAVING them for? (And no, they are not just for times like before a dental appointment. The very idea.)
The human body was made with a flight/or fight mechanism when faced with danger.
You do not want to medicate yourself or dumb down a natural bodily response, but instead, listen to the danger signals, and remove yourself from the situation.
Good point, Alzspouse! Who are these doctors SAVING them for? Back I the 1960’s and 1970’s my mother was a prescription junkie. She always got her prescriptions REFILLED WITHOUT a doctors script.
Seems like you have a complicated situation. Caring for a person with cognitive issues can be difficult - especially when they are stubborn, easily frustrated or in a "thought process loop" (continual same conversations or fixated on a topic).
Start by writing down what types of care your mom requires - be specific - and her usual schedule. Then mark those tasks that are easy for you to accomplish. Look at the remainder of tasks. Who can do these (besides yourself)? Family? Friends? members of your faith community? Paid help? Ask from help from each group until you have all the tasks covered.
If taking care of your LO has gotten to the point that any task seems daunting, it may be time for a change. Consider respite for a week to a month in a residential facility. If that doesn't help, you may have reached the point where she needs to reside full time in a residential facility.
Please consider seeing a doctor to care for your own needs. Start with your primary care doctor for your physical needs. Explain current difficulties with coping so you can get a consult to see a psychiatrist. He or she can address your overall mental health and suggest various therapies. BTW, treating mental health is not an overnight "fix". I have a daughter with anxiety and seasonal affective disorder (a seasonal form of depression). It took 2 years of trying various medications and therapies to find what works for her. She isn't perfect but handles life much better now.
strangely and oddly, I watched one episode of UNWELL on netflix. It is about essential oils.
A study showed that lavender oil and ativan had same effects on the groups who took one or the other. Results were the same... Yes, ativan helps me when I feel too stressed . Tomorrow, I am going to cut some of my lavender plant, and steep it, boil it, drink it... Not sure, but I think I may try to make myself less stressed... Plus it's basically free. That stuff grows almost as good as weeds...
My friend gave me some fresh peppermint sun tea. She took her dried peppermint, threw it into a jar, and let the sun do the rest. It was so good and refreshing.. I think I will try to grow peppermint.
It sounds like you have very poor social support. However, your question is beyond the scope of this forum since we do not know your underlying mental-health issues (whatever they are, don't reply--that's your business). While we cannot advice, it is fair to say you may need counselling. If you absolutely hate to care for your loved one, put them in a nursing home--because you are at high risk of abusing them due to poor coping skills.
If they really get on your last nerve, you must learn to walk away and regroup. There were times my mom got on my last nerve, but she could not help it and at all times I was always thankful I had a mom. I love my mom more than my own life, so I did whatever it took to take care of her.
When she died, I felt destroyed and I'm still trying to recover from her death and it's been almost a year ago.
Karen70, I have a PRN (as needed) prescription for a low-dose alprazolam / Xanax. It does work and there is no need to have any guilt or shame to needing something occasionally to help. Of course there are a lot of other techniques to try to help, but am "assuming" you mean beyond that. Do not ever let anyone try to shame you into not taking an anti-anxiety medication.
I try to change the subject when he is in a negative mood by introducing a new idea or fun thing to do. Or I say, “let’s talk about this later”. Or I ask him if he could help me solve a problem? Anything to get him to change his “train of thought”. Putting on soothing music on the radio helps make it pleasant.
I am in a similar situation with my sister who is diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. She "fired" the two agency helpers I had gotten for her without telling me. When I found out I became the most enraged I have ever been and felt my BP soaring. I had a prescription for Zoloft from my doctor but had not started taking it. I immediately started it that day. I was a psych nurse for 38 years and knew I needed something to take the edge off of my moods. It was that day that I decided that I was not going to battle with her any longer and that she would do what she was going to do. The weight off of me was immediate and I was glad that I was able to do this. My BP has gone down and my mood is much better. Giving up control was a great decision. This is not a recommendation for meds necessarily but I plan to continue with them. It takes up to 6 weeks to reach effectiveness but it still makes me feel better.
I do take a very low dose of Xanax and it just takes the edge off. Can you hire some part time home help with her? Get out and visit friends, do something for yourself. I have set some boundaries such as not always answering calls and letting mom leave a message. Shortening visit time and phone time. My mom still lives in her apartment with part time home care and she is well cared for right now. I care for her from a distance and it works. Then when I visit every week she seems glad to see me.
So called anxiety meds, antidepressants, or any other powerful mind altering substances always cause more harm than good.If and when anxiety strikes and or stress is painful, take sublingeal B12 every morning followed by a big healthy breakfast that includes at least one very fresh whole egg.Then take a Bcomplex supplement with a healthy lunch of lots of raw and or steamed veggies with extra virgin olive oil, minced garlic, sea salt, black pepper, and apple cider vinegar.Drink a lot of whole milk every day and a lot of nuts especially walnuts and almonds.Also, remember that nobody can abuse you unless you allow them to do so. Do not try to be a caregiver to a demented person. Arrange for a good assisted l;iving facility for them very near you so you can consistantly visit weekly. Do not bring a demented person into your home nor try to live with one in their home; not unless you truly do feel strong enoughto handle such a challenging situation in a truly productive way.
Before taking benzos research what they do to your brain. I have a mother with borderline and Parkinson’s and a sister that’s paraplegic. I’ve taken zannex and Ambien and antidepressants for 10+ years and it changes your brain. I joined Facebook groups to help come off these thing and you have to taper forever to prevent seizers. Don’t make a bad situation worse, I do not recommend taking them. You think you’ve got problems now. The docs have no idea how to get you off safely and it’s so sad to see all the suffering
You're killing yourself watching her die. Don't start down the drug route. Doctors in my opinion have been the biggest drug pushers around. Its time to put your mom in AL if she's not there already.. That move alone will bring your blood pressure down. You don't need to call her every day. Maybe1 or2 times a week. Limit your visits. When she starts getting snarky hang up our leave. You've got to protect yourself.
Not much to go on here, is your mother still at home and you are her caregiver? or is she in a NH and when you visit does she pounce on your for every little thing wrong? IF she is at home, when she starts either walk away and grab a pillow and yell into it. if a NH, just leave and say you will be back when she is in a better behavior. I personally find myself (when my mom is in a "mood") that I tend to get frustrated and sometimes raise my voice a little, which I know is not wrong. She has not been diagnosed with dementia but I can see it in her eyes at times. So now I try to just get up and walk into another room and talk to myself, sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I don't think though that I would get on some anxiety meds because you might find yourself getting addicted to them and then having a really hard time getting off. See if there is some counseling thru office of aging, or another group where you can talk with others that might be going thru the same thing. Wishing you luck.........this disease does suck for everyone (the caregivers and the person with it).
Thank you. I can't even retreat to another room. She has separation anxiety. Like bringing home a new puppy and closing the door on it, she'll have a breakdown.. That's how it is here.
Please see a doctor and take medication. Don’t think doctor xx are drug pushers. Your health is getting hurt from what is happening in your body. I know I’ve had a heart attack. My mom is still alive at 91 and in a very nice assisted living but sometimes it’s overwhelming to hear the same complaints. And with Covid-19 restrictions summer complaints are very legit. do you have a relationship with the Lord? I pray the Lord’s love and peace with fill you.
My inherited Aunt Theresa WILL NOT go to assisted living. I have tried and tried. She lives about 3 minutes from me so I can got there every day to see if she needs anything, She told me today that the air conditioner I lent her was not working. She thought it was unplugged. She proceeded to tell me to remove it. The air conditioner is working fine in my living room window. She has been so angry with me for just about everything that she just didn't want the AC anymore because it was mine. All she had to do was say that. Her trailer is so hot, of course she is skin and bones so she doesn't really get overheated. I wanted her to get herself a nice AC to cool the place down and reduce humidity. She told me that she didn't want an AC that I was the one who wanted it. She said that I would get it when she passed. I have 4 units why would I want one for myself. These accusations really hurt when all I try to do is make sure she has what she needs, She has my name on her check book, I want to have it removed because she holds it over my head and that hurts. Thanks for listening. I'm new to this forum. I found it quite by accident but it's the first time I can really put my feelings into words for someone else to see.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Meds are not the enemy. They’ve saved lives, mine included.
If you are not prepared to change you environment, then medication will be of limited use. And that is when addiction can come into play.
You have to figure out what you can do to limit YOUR exposure to the toxicity in your life. You may want to write out a real question instead of a 'header' and explain what's going on in your life that you need advice about. Many of us here are in the same boat and happy to help.
6 phone calls a week + window visit sounds good to me like Lealonnie! Once restrictions end, once a week for a cuppa?
Or do you live with Mother? 24 loooong hours a day?
Also, what's the expected timeframe? Sheltering in place together until other arrangements become availble? Or the start of a caregiving journey lasting 2 decades to the horizon?
Sorry to pepper you with questions 🤗 the space is here if you feel more venting would help.
Anyway, she yelled at me and I yelled back. It only lasted a minute and I said ok, snail mail it is. You took care of it already. She hung up on me. That was 4:00pm.
She called back at 5pm in a picnic. I can’t breath she said and it’s YOURS FAULT!!! I said what did I do? She said you yelled at me an I am DYING!!! I said breathe. You are having a panic attack. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth slowly. I called 911. By the time they got to her house they got on the phone and told me she was fine. She not going to the hospital. Yeah, not my fault I keep telling myself. But it wouldn’t hurt to have some anxiety meds for ME for NEXT time. *PANIC not picnic.*
Much more relaxing.
HIgh bp is very concerning (I have hypertension and take meds to control it). It can cause much damage if uncontrolled. Have you had therapy during the years of being your mother's caregiver? Taken any meds for depression? (If not, why not?)
I don't think therapy and meds to be the be-all and end-all in all situations, though. On this board we read of therapist advice which never seems to be able to do what to-the-point posters can do here. As others have posted, it is the situation that is toxic to you. And no amount of meds is going to change that.
So tell us more...how long has your mother lived with you? How did she come to live with you? (Or is it you who lives with her?) Are there siblings? What is your mother's financial situation? She obviously needs fulltime supervision. Why not a facility? Haven't you done enough?
Sure, anxiety meds could help short-term, but from what you've written you need a LOT more than that -- you need to reclaim your life!
You do not want to medicate yourself or dumb down a natural bodily response, but instead, listen to the danger signals, and remove yourself from the situation.
You choose.
Get more ill, or leave.
There is no guilt for needing to take medications.
Start by writing down what types of care your mom requires - be specific - and her usual schedule. Then mark those tasks that are easy for you to accomplish. Look at the remainder of tasks. Who can do these (besides yourself)? Family? Friends? members of your faith community? Paid help? Ask from help from each group until you have all the tasks covered.
If taking care of your LO has gotten to the point that any task seems daunting, it may be time for a change. Consider respite for a week to a month in a residential facility. If that doesn't help, you may have reached the point where she needs to reside full time in a residential facility.
Please consider seeing a doctor to care for your own needs. Start with your primary care doctor for your physical needs. Explain current difficulties with coping so you can get a consult to see a psychiatrist. He or she can address your overall mental health and suggest various therapies. BTW, treating mental health is not an overnight "fix". I have a daughter with anxiety and seasonal affective disorder (a seasonal form of depression). It took 2 years of trying various medications and therapies to find what works for her. She isn't perfect but handles life much better now.
A study showed that lavender oil and ativan had same effects on the groups who took one or the other. Results were the same... Yes, ativan helps me when I feel too stressed . Tomorrow, I am going to cut some of my lavender plant, and steep it, boil it, drink it... Not sure, but I think I may try to make myself less stressed... Plus it's basically free. That stuff grows almost as good as weeds...
My friend gave me some fresh peppermint sun tea. She took her dried peppermint, threw it into a jar, and let the sun do the rest. It was so good and refreshing.. I think I will try to grow peppermint.
I think Taarna has some great advice looking at the bigger picture.
Is it that you want to keep going but need more help to do it?
Or is it time for a while new plan?
If it's you, you shouldn't take drugs yourself to be able to help someone else.
Is Mom living with you? Does she have a Dementia?
I think you need tools to learn how to sort of block her out. Boundries for another. Really, I don't think medicating your self will help.
If they really get on your last nerve, you must learn to walk away and regroup. There were times my mom got on my last nerve, but she could not help it and at all times I was always thankful I had a mom. I love my mom more than my own life, so I did whatever it took to take care of her.
When she died, I felt destroyed and I'm still trying to recover from her death and it's been almost a year ago.
do you have a relationship with the Lord? I pray the Lord’s love and peace with fill you.