From her presence alone my blood pressure is high, heart racing. She is sucking the life out of me. Do anxiety meds help to cope?

Yes!!! My dr prescribed a low dose of clonazepam that I would take on the way to visit my mother!! I also took lexapro for a while when things were really bad, but since she has moved to an ALF, I stopped. The anxiety meds though are a lifesaver in stressful situations. A 30 day supply can last me almost a year, just take as needed. Good luck!!

My short answer is YES.
I do believe many or most MDs who aren't into or aware of Eastern medicine practices will somewhat easily 'give a pill' to stop xxx, but not all MD are DRUG PUSHERS. You need to assess your own situation. MDs are not gods and most don't even study nutrition in school - or perhaps they do now. We, 'patients' need to take self-responsibility for prescribed meds.

In any case, I believe taking the edge off is important and REMEMBER, you can stop anytime [in a healthy way, perhaps not cold turkey.]
Try something out for a month or a few months and adjust accordingly.

Long ago I decided not to deal with menstral cramps - after years + years of horrible pain. A few years ago, I got on an anti-anxiety, low dose. It was so low that my friend (therapist) said it wasn't even a therapeutic dosage so I upped it a little more. I still have anxiety, but the edge is off and the terror waking up in the mornings is GONE.

There is always a trade off --- with so many side-effects of prescribed meds. I sort of hate taking any myself. I do my best with health practices, i.e. :
1. slow jogging or some outdoor exercise.
2. eat healthy 80% of the time, most of the time.
3. started journal writing - just 5 minutes a day. After two sittings, its already helped.
4. I'd recommend keeping a journal when / if you do start on meds and track how you are feeling, noting differences. In this process, you may become more aware of aspects of you you didn't know before which is a major plus.
5. Include plenty of positive experiences and self-pampering. I watch movies and play scrabble on my phone.

I THANK GOD + the UNIVERSE for anti-anxiety and anti-depressants and pain meds - when I need, I take responsibly. No self-judgment. This is SELF-CARE.

As others have asked, what are the living conditions? Are you in her home or she in yours? Or does she live in a facility? What is her medical condition (aka dementia, heart, mobility, etc. or is she just older and needs some care)?

If co-habiting, can that be changed? If she's living alone in her own place or a facility, how often do you visit and/or have to help out?

Personally I try not to rely on medications unless they are absolutely necessary. If there is an alternate way to deal with an issue, I will try that first. So, not knowing your full situation, before resorting to (or in conjunction with a mild, intermittent use):

1) If/when you feel that stress coming on, try to remove yourself from the situation and practice deep breathing and relaxation techniques.

2) If she is the one who is wound up, maybe due to dementia, perhaps it would be better to look into having her take medication, calming her (we had to use the anxiety meds a few times for mom, esp when she got a UTI in MC)

3) Not knowing what the triggers are, perhaps some counseling for you to explore what they are and ways to avoid and/or deal with them.

I know if my mother were living with me I would likely be crawling the walls! There are multiple reasons (physical for me and logistics for my house) that I knew having her here wouldn't work. It is better having her in a place where someone can watch over her 24/7 and prior to lock down I could visit. Even when visiting, there were times she would get me wound up. Usually I could deal with it - perhaps walk away, use the bathroom as excuse, or try to change the subject. It is hard not to sometimes react to bad behaviors, but with dementia it is bound to happen and we need to be prepared and know various methods to keep ourselves outside that bubble and calm! Only once did her refusal to go with me to an appt irritate me, esp her responses and stupid reasoning. Again, not totally her fault, but it was something she was known to do before dementia, so it WAS irritating.

Deep breaths, try to relax your body - it will start to tighten up when you get this feeling, so shake out your arms/hands, exhale out your mouth and get your body to "melt".

If possible, do come back and try to provide a little more information. Details are none of our business, but without having some reference point, it is hard to make suggestions. Obviously taking medications like that should be discussed with your doctor, but having feedback from others is helpful and having ways to alleviate the stress naturally is helpful too!

I just lost my mother in July, she got pneumonia and went down hill really fast. I was living with her in her home and was her caregiver. I felt many times like you are feeling now. I'm not a medicine kind of person, but being stuck in the house with someone who seems like nothing you do will please them is very challenging. I used to go play pool three times a week for respite and to get my social fix, but the pandemic stopped that. My mom would often do things for attention so when she got sick and started moaning loudly and so forth, I thought she was putting on a show for attention. The day she passed I was shocked and cried harder than I ever have in my life. The grief and guilt I feel now are overwhelming. Yes, she also sucked life out of me and caused health problems. Yes she was horrible to me sometimes. But there are also good memories to hold on to and the weight is off my shoulders now, my job is done. I feel guilty just saying that but it's true. Hang in there, one day your mother will be gone, you will feel relief and grief and guilt but your job will be done. Just take a deep breath, take care of yourself the best you can and get help if you can when things are bad. Big hugs, from someone who's been there.

First you need to relax.
Try soaking in a hot bath with ten drops of rose oil.
While soaking sip lavender tea.
As you are sipping the lavender tea listen to relaxing instrumental music on youtube.
Now, assess the situation.
Why does she cause your blood pressure to rise? Does she know she is doing causing it? If so talk with to stop it or you are walking away from this relationship.
Being a natural path for over forty years my preference is herbal medicine, Shiatsu massage (if there is any where you live). and being in Gods Cathedral (nature)and pouring out my heart unto Christ. Because He walked amongst us He experienced everything we have. He offers the best advice because He loves you, He cares about you and He ants what is best for you.
I depend upon You, Holy Spirit to help me set Godly boundaries in my relationships. I depend upon You to guide me in the proper use of these skills to nurture loving relationships while purging myself of toxic folks who only bring unnecessary drama and chaos to my life.  Joseph, a son of Jehovah
I have lived a pretty rough life and this method has worked for me through the storms and through the desert.

I have inherited an Aunt Theresa from my deceased hubby in April of this year.
She sucked the life from him and her sister Margaret who also passed because of the presence of this person.
I refuse to let her get me, she is a narcissistic 92 year old Italian woman who has been spoiled for her adult life. I go to her home everyday to do something or take her someplace.
Without my medication for depression and anxiety I don't really know what state of mind I would be in. But I don't think it would be a good place. I'm hanging in but not without my meds.
Bless your heart for all that you do. Just remember that you are loved. I would make an appointment and talk openly to your doctor, reach out and ask him for help. You can't do it alone with a person in her condition. Also I have not become addicted to anything I've been prescribed. Even if I did, I think it would be worth the relief I would get from this person. LOL

Karen,

Just my 2 cents, which certainly doesn't apply to every situation. Possibly not yours, either. You didn't describe your caretaking situation, just the effects an individual has on you. I assume this person is the one you are caring for. You didn't say whether it was a remote or in-home situation; yours or hers.

Drugs can be marvelous helpers in life. They can also be a trade-off; i.e. exchanging one problem for another. And each person has to choose for themselves what they want to take or not take.

I guess I have a mental block against taking a potentially addictive substance to combat the effects of being around an individual who "sucks the life out of me" and sends your blood pressure into the stratosphere, not to mention your heart racing.

I wish you would explore a care-taking alternative that would reduce your contact before starting an anxiety med. There are ways of providing care without damaging your own health. Best wishes!

Hi, Bobbie, I am new to this forum.
I can so relate to your situation. I have been living fulltime with my mother since covid hit. It has been extremely challenging. After months of extreme anxiety I finally found that taking time every morning to meditate (I particularly like the Calm app) and try to stop and do tapping when I find my 10 year old self responding to her latest accusations has really helped me to keep my anxiety under better control. I also walk away from difficult conversations that I know are not going to go anywhere but downhill and announce, "Oh, gee, it is time for my yoga". I just go in the next room shut the door and put on a youtube yoga video for 10-30 minutes. It makes all the difference and I can sure use the exercise too.

Another strategy that has helped me is that I put on quiet classical music on the TV most of the day. It helps keep my mother in a much more peaceful space and she has fewer episodes of anxiety so is less likely to come at me with more accusations.
I won't say it has been easy. It has been very, very hard because I am dealing with my own PTSD issues, but slowly I have found natural ways to reduce my reactivity to her and take care of myself. I make sure I take time for own activities everyday so I don't let myself become too resentful.
I am sending you my compassion, supportive feelings and hope that something in this helps a bit, even if it's just knowing you are not alone. Do take care. These are tough times.
Mary

Karen,
I would suggest you seek counseling and a caregiver support group first.
Maybe look into natural antianxiety before seeking a Rx.
Sending you big ((((hugs)))!!

Nobody ever had a heart attack nor any heart problems from any failure to take a mind altering substance. Heart problems and many other problems are caused by bad fake phony so called foods, lack of sensible but not excessive exercise, and or heriditary problems. A lack of so called antidepressant never ever caused anybody any health problems.

I hope you will permit me to say that Xaanex is a very ppowerful and very dangerous substance. If taken consistantly for even a few weeks, it changes how the brain works and becomes very addictivein very strange ways. Terrible mental and physical effects happen if the addicted person tries to stop taking it. It is even possible that permanent damage occurs that cannot be reversed.I beg everyonre to avoid it. May God have mercy.

In 2014 I developed severe anxiety dealing with my mother and all of her perceived problems. Anxiety/Panic attacks were so bad that it felt as if I was dying each time I experienced one. My pcp wanted me on medication. I researched it and found out so many people were having difficulty getting off that medication. I decided to go a different route. Fortunately I found the web site, Excel at Life. There is one audio tape on there that I listened to every time I had a anxiety/panic attack. It was not easy, it took about 2 months but every anxiety/panic attack I listened to it. Now when I do experience anxiety/panic attacks I better understand what is going on with my body and that they will not kill me. Here is the page that I found most helpful: https://www.excelatlife.com/downloads/cognitive_self-talk/panic.htm
'Panic Assistance' was that tape that helped me. I am submitting this as an alternative to taking medications. It is not an instant cure but it enabled me to cope with anxiety in a way that I know longer fear it but accept it. I hope you will take a look at the site. There are many great articles and audio tapes, perhaps you will find one that is right for you in your situation. It will take time to get your mind set on the right path but it works! Best of luck.

Please see a doctor and take medication. Don’t think doctor xx are drug pushers. Your health is getting hurt from what is happening in your body. I know I’ve had a heart attack. My mom is still alive at 91 and in a very nice assisted living but sometimes it’s overwhelming to hear the same complaints. And with Covid-19 restrictions summer complaints are very legit.
do you have a relationship with the Lord? I pray the Lord’s love and peace with fill you.

Not much to go on here, is your mother still at home and you are her caregiver? or is she in a NH and when you visit does she pounce on your for every little thing wrong?  IF she is at home, when she starts either walk away and grab a pillow and yell into it.  if a NH, just leave and say you will be back when she is in a better behavior.  I personally find myself (when my mom is in a "mood") that I tend to get frustrated and sometimes raise my voice a little, which I know is not wrong.  She has not been diagnosed with dementia but I can see it in her eyes at times.  So now I try to just get up and walk into another room and talk to myself, sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.  I don't think though that I would get on some anxiety meds because you might find yourself getting addicted to them and then having a really hard time getting off.  See if there is some counseling thru office of aging, or another group where you can talk with others that might be going thru the same thing.  Wishing you luck.........this disease does suck for everyone (the caregivers and the person with it).

You're killing yourself watching her die. Don't start down the drug route. Doctors in my opinion have been the biggest drug pushers around. Its time to put your mom in AL if she's not there already.. That move alone will bring your blood pressure down. You don't need to call her every day. Maybe1 or2 times a week. Limit your visits. When she starts getting snarky hang up our leave. You've got to protect yourself.

Before taking benzos research what they do to your brain. I have a mother with borderline and Parkinson’s and a sister that’s paraplegic. I’ve taken zannex and Ambien and antidepressants for 10+ years and it changes your brain. I joined Facebook groups to help come off these thing and you have to taper forever to prevent seizers. Don’t make a bad situation worse, I do not recommend taking them. You think you’ve got problems now. The docs have no idea how to get you off safely and it’s so sad to see all the suffering

So called anxiety meds, antidepressants, or any other powerful mind altering substances always cause more harm than good.If and when anxiety strikes and or stress is painful, take sublingeal B12 every morning followed by a big healthy breakfast that includes at least one very fresh whole egg.Then take a Bcomplex supplement with a healthy lunch of lots of raw and or steamed veggies with extra virgin olive oil, minced garlic, sea salt, black pepper, and apple cider vinegar.Drink a lot of whole milk every day and a lot of nuts especially walnuts and almonds.Also, remember that nobody can abuse you unless you allow them to do so. Do not try to be a caregiver to a demented person. Arrange for a good assisted l;iving facility for them very near you so you can consistantly visit weekly. Do not bring a demented person into your home nor try to live with one in their home; not unless you truly do feel strong enoughto handle such a challenging situation in a truly productive way.

I do take a very low dose of Xanax and it just takes the edge off. Can you hire some part time home help with her? Get out and visit friends, do something for yourself. I have set some boundaries such as not always answering calls and letting mom leave a message. Shortening visit time and phone time. My mom still lives in her apartment with part time home care and she is well cared for right now. I care for her from a distance and it works. Then when I visit every week she seems glad to see me.

I am in a similar situation with my sister who is diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. She "fired" the two agency helpers I had gotten for her without telling me. When I found out I became the most enraged I have ever been and felt my BP soaring. I had a prescription for Zoloft from my doctor but had not started taking it. I immediately started it that day. I was a psych nurse for 38 years and knew I needed something to take the edge off of my moods. It was that day that I decided that I was not going to battle with her any longer and that she would do what she was going to do. The weight off of me was immediate and I was glad that I was able to do this. My BP has gone down and my mood is much better. Giving up control was a great decision. This is not a recommendation for meds necessarily but I plan to continue with them. It takes up to 6 weeks to reach effectiveness but it still makes me feel better.

I try to change the subject when he is in a negative mood by introducing a new idea or fun thing to do. Or I say, “let’s talk about this later”. Or I ask him if he could help me solve a problem? Anything to get him to change his “train of thought”. Putting on soothing music on the radio helps make it pleasant.

Karen70, I have a PRN (as needed) prescription for a low-dose alprazolam / Xanax. It does work and there is no need to have any guilt or shame to needing something occasionally to help. Of course there are a lot of other techniques to try to help, but am "assuming" you mean beyond that. Do not ever let anyone try to shame you into not taking an anti-anxiety medication.

It sounds like you have very poor social support. However, your question is beyond the scope of this forum since we do not know your underlying mental-health issues (whatever they are, don't reply--that's your business). While we cannot advice, it is fair to say you may need counselling. If you absolutely hate to care for your loved one, put them in a nursing home--because you are at high risk of abusing them due to poor coping skills.

If they really get on your last nerve, you must learn to walk away and regroup. There were times my mom got on my last nerve, but she could not help it and at all times I was always thankful I had a mom. I love my mom more than my own life, so I did whatever it took to take care of her.

When she died, I felt destroyed and I'm still trying to recover from her death and it's been almost a year ago.

It would be helpful if you put up a profile. Saves us from having to look back on previous posts.

Is Mom living with you? Does she have a Dementia?

I think you need tools to learn how to sort of block her out. Boundries for another. Really, I don't think medicating your self will help.

Who are you referring to?

Are you asking regarding you or the patient to take anxiety drugs?

If it's you, you shouldn't take drugs yourself to be able to help someone else.

"If taking care of your LO has gotten to the point that any task seems daunting, it may be time for a change". 

I think Taarna has some great advice looking at the bigger picture.

Is it that you want to keep going but need more help to do it?

Or is it time for a while new plan?

strangely and oddly, I watched one episode of UNWELL on netflix. It is about essential oils.

A study showed that lavender oil and ativan had same effects on the groups who took one or the other. Results were the same... Yes, ativan helps me when I feel too stressed . Tomorrow, I am going to cut some of my lavender plant, and steep it, boil it, drink it... Not sure, but I think I may try to make myself less stressed... Plus it's basically free. That stuff grows almost as good as weeds...

My friend gave me some fresh peppermint sun tea. She took her dried peppermint, threw it into a jar, and let the sun do the rest. It was so good and refreshing.. I think I will try to grow peppermint.

Seems like you have a complicated situation. Caring for a person with cognitive issues can be difficult - especially when they are stubborn, easily frustrated or in a "thought process loop" (continual same conversations or fixated on a topic).

Start by writing down what types of care your mom requires - be specific - and her usual schedule. Then mark those tasks that are easy for you to accomplish. Look at the remainder of tasks. Who can do these (besides yourself)? Family? Friends? members of your faith community? Paid help? Ask from help from each group until you have all the tasks covered.

If taking care of your LO has gotten to the point that any task seems daunting, it may be time for a change. Consider respite for a week to a month in a residential facility. If that doesn't help, you may have reached the point where she needs to reside full time in a residential facility.

Please consider seeing a doctor to care for your own needs. Start with your primary care doctor for your physical needs. Explain current difficulties with coping so you can get a consult to see a psychiatrist. He or she can address your overall mental health and suggest various therapies. BTW, treating mental health is not an overnight "fix". I have a daughter with anxiety and seasonal affective disorder (a seasonal form of depression). It took 2 years of trying various medications and therapies to find what works for her. She isn't perfect but handles life much better now.

Good point, Alzspouse! Who are these doctors SAVING them for? Back I the 1960’s and 1970’s my mother was a prescription junkie. She always got her prescriptions REFILLED WITHOUT a doctors script.

To clarify, I agree with Pamzimmrrt and Alvadear when they keep a calming medication on hand, taking it only once in awhile if needed.