Hi there,
My common law husband is 22 years my senior. He'll be 78 in a month.
Three years ago he had a stroke, and then another one two years ago. After the first stroke he developed severe aphasia that didn't resolve and with the second stroke in 2018 he was diagnosed both with vascular and behavioural fronto-temporal dementia.
For those who are not familiar with this rarer type, this is the one where the memories are not really affected but behaviour is.
My husband, who was always thrifty, not to call him cheap, and who would drive to another store to save 50 cents on his purchase, started to send thousands of dollars to Trump! $10,500 to be exact to a billionaire. And we are in Canada! And we are barely pulling though this pandemic as my business was beyond decimated.
While his doctor is saying he has 'advanced dementia', I'm not able to live with my husband due to physical and emotional abuse, with him threatening that he will hurt himself and call the police and blame me, to blaming me that I'm stealing from him and that I'm putting something in the air to poison him.
He is so cheap that now that I live in a different residence, he heats up the place with an old gas fireplace and gas stove, and I think this is where this 'poisoning' idea might come.
However, he does not want to go for medical evaluation, and from what I saw from reading case file, nobody will declare him financially incompetent as they believe people are allowed to act financially against their own interest.
I daily worry but for all my help and support and paying all the bills I only get abuse.
Did anybody had similar issues? Any advise?
He has dementia, not “poisoning”. He’d be dead by now if that was the case. I’d be more worried about him blowing up the house.
I know nothing about Canada’s laws, but you should see an elder attorney. You need to separate your finances, because with his dementia-fueled spending he will drain you dry.
He’s old enough to be your father. Your situation is very similar to people on here who are worried for their parents. And it sounds like he treated you like a child even before his mental decline.
Is there an Adult Protective Services in your area? They can do a home check.
The abusive behavior won’t improve. Do not even think of going back to him. You’re still young and can find love again when you are ready.
As of recently, I've told him he needs to pay all bills for the residence he lives in, just as I pay for mine.
In Canada, you can be common law even if you don't live in the same residence.
I consider legal separation however this would be a financial hit for me.
I wish to help him, but from a distance.
My question is more how to show authorities that he is 'not there'. I called something like APS and the guy said on his one hour visit that he didn't notice anything weird. (he must have been blind as the house is a mess, food everywhere, my hubby not wearing clean clothes or washing himself).
I would like to declare him incompetent. At this stage he can't remember my last name, or my birthday, but he knows his name, his birthday and his address, and apparently this is enough to declare him 'competent'.
The worst part, because of the age difference that I'm being called a gold digger. Nobody cares that we are 30 years together.
When someone has a specific diagnosed illness try their websites as those folks have usually seen it all as it relates to them.
In reading your responses, you seem to be looking for some way to declare your husband incompetent or not able to make rational decisions. Having been diagnosed already with these progressive degenerative diseases, you may have to wait until they affect more of his day to day living before the drs agree that he's “not there”. The VaD may eventually cause memory loss but the FTD may not. Anyone with advanced dementia is already close to being “not there”, they already have compromised cognitive function. Telling you he has the right to act against his own interest isn't very helpful for someone with his diseases. I would create a journal and document all those instances where he says he'll hurt himself or when he accuses you of theft, anything at all that suggests unusual behavior, like writing large checks if he's never done it before or can't really afford it. Take that information to his dr.
Why would he have to go for a medical evaluation, by the way, if you're saying "in 2018 he was diagnosed both with vascular and behavioural fronto-temporal dementia" and "his doctor is saying he has 'advanced dementia'". Those ARE medical evaluations, aren't they? Are those diagnoses insufficient to deem him incompetent in some way?
It's sad you're going through such a thing & that your business was decimated, and that you didn't get married to this man a long time ago so you'd have some joint accounts right now. A consult with an elder care attorney would probably be your best bet at this point.
Wishing you the very best of luck getting a resolution to your issue.
His GP considers him incompetent, however the assessment has to be done by a Geriatrician. My hubby does not want to go to that meeting. In Canada, even competency assessment has to be done on voluntary basis.
Common law in Canada has equal rights to the marriage. As a spouse I get certain rights that I would not have as a single - even if we live in the separate residences.
And securing my own elder years come partially from the house that he lives in, as it is mine as well.
The situation really sucks :(
That's if he doesn't manage to destroy it or make such a mess that it depreciates in value.
So, he "allowed" this APS-like person to spend an hour with him, is there any chance of having this evaluation happen in the home, without elaborating to him what it's about? My mother only had dementia, but we never had any real doctor Dx. When hiring aides to start 1hr/day to get her used to them, they sent a nurse to her home to evaluate/test her. Two of us where there as well, so it was less "scary" or "threatening" to her.
I understand they told you it has to be voluntary, but at some point there must be someone with a few working brain cells that know that will never happen! The state my mother lived in had DMV rules that expected someone to self-report their dementia! How ridiculous is that? All too often those with dementia are in denial. They don't have a problem, we do. They are just fine, thank you. I never used the "D" word around my mother. The laws also state dementia patients have rights and can't be forced to do things. There are ways around that, generally coaxing and trying to get them to think it's their idea.
If you have the equivalent of Elder Law attorneys in Canada, it might be best to consult with them. There must be some way to keep a person with mental issues from harming themselves and being able to get treatment. It isn't about the money, it's about him not being competent to take care of himself.
The doctor said that he needs to be checked by a specialists anyway due to different meds he is taking and that he demanded competency test, so it will happen sooner or later.
Even when he gets confused and forgets my last name, or calls me his daughter or mother in law, everybody thinks this is sweet. They feel because I'm younger they can dump him on me.
Social worker told me that he said that he doesn't want to be evaluated and that is it - and he was there to check if he has competency for making a decision about the long term care!
This is why now I tell everyone I'm permanently living away so that I put liability on their shoulders. And hopefully I / or someone else manages to get him to the geriatrician.
This is very sad because he lives like a rat now. I feel for him, and understand that it must be a mayhem in his head. But if the specialists ask him about it he would tell them the same things he's telling me - but no! He does not pass any of the memory tests but they attribute this to his aphasia.
I don't know. Maybe my hubby is a mastermind.
If you can't get control of his affairs then you might go ahead and file for divorce so you won't get stuck with owing for things he's purchased or other bills.
Everybody else is washing their hands and dumping this all on me. I can't take it alone anymore :(
For our situation currently the SSRI uptake inhibitors combined with Buspar help even the volatility... but it's a very volatile situation.
UCSF actually has a support group specific to FTD that is meeting this Thurs. March 11. Here is a link to register. I hope you will attend.
To register for the meeting, call 1.800.272.3900. please indicate that you would like to register for the San Francisco UCSF FTD Support Group Meeting on March 11th, 2021.
Also, England has a larger network and organization. This Wed. March 10 they are having an annual conference, with many informed speakers. The challenge is the time difference, but doable. The conference lectures can be replayed at your convenience; Here is the contact information for that event this Wednesday.
Upcoming FTD Annual Seminar
The FTD Annual Seminar will be taking place online on Wednesday the 10th of March from 2:30pm to 4:30pm GMT.