Frustrated. Does anyone have advice?
I’m physically and emotionally burned out from caring for my dad, his death, still managing his estate, dealing with my mom’s dementia, having a senior in high school and a husband that bought two businesses. Last night, I just blew my top. The kitchen sick has had a leak for months, husband was going to fix it then decided to wait. The disposal stopped working and another pipe is stopped up. I cannot use the dishwasher, either. Husband wants to use a certain plumber through his business, but still hasn’t called him. The pots and pans were piling up to the point of just being disgusting... yet a hot dinner is expected each evening! I finally took the pots and pans in the backyard and washed them with a garden hose!! I was so angry about the mess and not being able to use the sink! When my husband came home, I told him that I put up with a lot and I will not wash dishes and pans with a garden hose again in the backyard again. I did not cook dinner and do not plan on cooking until the sink is fixed. I don’t think my family has a clue....It’s like” What’s wrong with her?” I don’t think many women would put up with this. After everything I have been through with my dad and still going through... I just couldn’t keep my cool. Advice please.
I am so happy that you have it dealt with now and that your honey was able to do it himself.
I am reporting that I have a functioning kitchen sink this morning with a new faucet. My husband made the repair himself last night. I cook dinner each evening. There are 3 people living in our home. I don’t think asking for a working kitchen sink is asking too much during this “modern age” of indoor plumbing. Thank you all for your wise words and comments.
If I may be so bold - it seems that your frustration with hubby not calling the plumber is a symptom, not the overall disease. I sense that your real anger is in the fact that you feel your family doesn't comprehend that pain that you're experiencing about your dad.
When I married my husband he told me "Please, if you're ever angry with me, just tell me. Please don't play the game 'well if you don't know, I'm not telling you'. I'm not good at those kind of games. I just don't get them." And please, I'm not accusing you of doing that here. If you haven't already, I think you might need to have a talk with your family and tell them just how deeply you're hurting. That although the day to day caregiving is over, you're still feeling overwhelmed with all of the minutiae that has to be handled after someone you love dies. From what I'm reading, you were a real "hands on" caregiver for your dad, it might very well be that your family thinks it's more of a relief for you that that part of your responsibilities are over. Not everyone realizes that the relief mixes in with the grief - and then you can add a healthy dollop of guilt ("how could I be relieved? I'm a horrible daughter! I should have done more...etc.) to the mix for good measure - and then you become an emotional mess. In some ways, I think it's worse than the actual caregiving, because that's right in front of everyone's faces. This part of the process is, in some ways, even lonelier than caregiving. It's no wonder your frustrated and have had enough.
(And I'm not trying to trivialize the issue with the plumber, certainly if I had to wash my dishes outside with a garden hose, my response would be very similar to yours, about no more cooking until this is repaired. )
I hope at least you can get your kitchen fixed up soon and at least not be dealing with that stressor!
I think i would go stay with a friend for few days....
My advice would be to stop fulfilling everyone's expectations. They don't even think about it, they just assume you will get it done, because you always do. You just put down the law. If you want me to do my part (dinner) then you do YOURS (a plumber, whereEVER you get him from.) To me that sounds perfect.
Put Mom in the care, have a nice ride, stop for some super fattening fast food for YOU TWO ALONE, and come home.
Wishing you good luck. You could blog this. Tell everyone you have decided to start a blog, all about THEM, and will be available TO them so much less because of it. Hee.
P.S. I am truly sorry for the loss of your father. May God grant you His peace and comfort.
I agree with you - your family has no clue what you are going through as your dad's death doesn't seem to have the same degree of impact on them as it does on you. Yes, you are physically and emotionally burned out after having cared for your dad, his passing away, managing his estate and now dealing with your mom's dementia as well as having a senior in high school and a husband who bought two businesses. I feel for you - you are way over extended and it's no wonder you are angry (which is also, part of the grieving) and blew your top. I'm glad you got it out even if your family was left wondering "what's wrong" with you.
You've told your husband you will not be washing dishes, pots or pans in the backyard with a garden hose ever again (nor should you have to) so that's a start. You desperately need a break before you have an even worse episode. I think you need a family meeting - jot some notes down to keep yourself on track as I know once things start escalating again, it's easy to lose our train of thought in the heat of the moment. Tell them exactly what you're going through and how it is affecting you and then you all pitch in and develop a plan on paper. I know you would like them to be able to do things in a timely manner and without having to be told but, it's obvious that's not going to happen.
I don't know if your husband is normally this way especially if he's started two businesses but, maybe it's affecting him in a way that he's not verbalizing and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Men often don't and I'm starting to wonder if the reason your husband hasn't taken care of the leak that has been there for months is an accumulative response to all your entire family has endured as your dad was dying. I am not excusing your husband just that I'm sure something is going on with him too.
Somehow in spite of all you need to handle and take care of, please find something even if it's small and for a short time to do something for yourself. Meet a friend for coffee or a quick lunch - just something that's enjoyable to you and for you. It truly can help tremendously so you don't feel trapped in the never ending chores - they most definitely will be there when you return!
I wish you all the best and I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad and all the grief that comes along with it. My thoughts and prayers are with you and may you find some resolution or at least some improvement with your situation.
Cheers for putting your foot down!👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
There is truly no excuse for the situation, whether you are dealing with caregiving or not, house maintenance needs to be addressed or it dominoes out of control.
What take out is hubby bringing home for dinner tonight? Make him deal with feeding the family until he does his job.
I tell DH about the issue. If he offers to fix it within a decent period of time, fine, if it's going to be 'when I can get to it' I call a professional.
Always makes him mad, but I honestly don't care. Home is where I WORK and I shouldn't have to put up with broken pipes, appliances, etc.
I lost my water heater once when he was out of town and he told me to leave the water off until he got home (a week!) and I had no water until then. Ridiculous. I called around, went with a company that I trusted and they had a new WH installed in 2 hrs. DH was kind of mad, but realistically--a home is a living, breathing entity and it needs care to keep running.
You had every right to blow up. Now figure out a way to get the problem fixed on your own. Or leave all those dishes for DH. Whatever works for you.