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Mama, 89, discovered lump in R breast 10-20; because she’s suffered w/peripheral neuropathy since the mid 90’s, she goes nowhere, does nothing in almost constant pain, certainly not interested in going for diagnostic tests & refused to go to the doctor. Only visits a pain clinic once a month for her 120 Lortab & Lyrica. They do no real treatment. She leaves a UA, they give her the pain meds.


So, in an action that turned into a blessing in disguise, FF to Oct. of 21, that pain clinic suddenly forbid me to stay in the exam room w/her, (she can hardly walk, uses a Rollater, can’t hear well), & I have ALWAYS accompanied her to assist w/UA & ALWAYS remained with her!


Anyway, she was furious & to get her away from those callous people, I was FINALLY able to talk her into going to her beloved GP who had changed offices.


So, that meant SOMEONE was finally going to SEE the monstrosity that had grown on her chest! He sends her to an Oncologist who sends her to get a biopsy.


Three appointments in 2 days nearly killed her.


BUT, it took me 6 WEEKS to get her to the surgeon to discuss removing the mass!


On 12-16, met with/surgeon; she examined, measured & handled the mass & was optimistic but Mama’s mild COPD had her concerned & would only proceed w/pulmonary dr., & cardiologist approval.


I asked Mama if she wished she had come to the doctor(s) sooner; she said, “Well, I thought I’d be dead before now…”


That very night, the mass BURST!


Since there was only a small night light on, she didn’t realise what happened.


The room looked like a crime scene because beside her bed I had a large piece of heavy duty plastic for accidents; she stood up to use the bedside toilet, blood dripping down her chest, legs, and she SLIPPED in the blood & FELL DOWN!!


At ER, they performed a CT scan and found out that her R lung was 3/4ths involved w/cancer!!


The on duty “doctor” came and announced, “The cancer is everywhere, the lungs, the bones, what do you want US to do?!?”


I was FURIOUS!!


Luckily, she didn’t really understand his accent; but when I told her later, her response was, “Gimme my clothes and let me go home.”


The oncologist made the hospice determination; I thought we might could STILL “debulk” the tumor, just for the sake of her comfort; but the surgeon said she didn’t see the sense in it, she didn’t know how long she was going to live, ( no s**t!) !! That’s the very reason to REMOVE THE THING!!! She may live for months!!


Her oxygen saturation numbers are always in the high 80’s-mid 90’s; blood pressure is perfectly normal; heart rate is a little high, like 100-110, but I don’t see why she couldn’t have removed the tumor!! Moot point now.


SO. That’s where we are.


We have been limping along here together since 2013, her on the couch, walking out to the patio to smoke (yes, smoke, 3-4 a day) to the kitchen/bathroom.


But on 12-28, she refused to get out of BED…& NOW it’s REALLY BAD!! She’s big time constipated despite my best efforts at stool softening, I even tried to give her an ENEMA…IN BED!!!


I have lost my temper a few times and I feel like a piece of s**t, for acting like that, she’s in almost constant pain from her LEGS, not the cancer, the breast tumor DOES hurt, I’d very hard and when I change the bandage, it starts to bleed a little but usually stops within 15-20 minutes, she has good clotting the nurse says. I love that I have nurses I can call to help me, but I need to TTY to learn to shut my mouth.


But I SWEAR, ALLLLL of this could have been avoided… as if her leg issues weren’t ENOUGH If a problem to manage, she ADDS to it by allowing this tumor to grow!!


Usually alert/herself but does have spells when she seems lethargic. She refuses the liquid morphine, says she doesn’t want that “s**t!” Any suggestions on ways to keep my cool when trying to move her and she isn’t assisting in the least? Times when I’m physically unable to do something seems to be most trying for me. Thanking you in advance.

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I'm so sorry you are both suffering through this. Please do not dwell on what "might have been if only..." there is no point in spending emotional energy on that. Look at her as your mom separate from her illnesses, which are causing her to not be able to move herself in bed (and the morphine and her very advanced age). Look at her with mercy, as you would want to be looked at if in the same situation. May you receive peace in your heart and your mother be blessed with a compassionate, patient and understanding caregiver.
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I hope at this point that you have gotten Hospice on board(I know you mentioned that the oncologist recommended them, but not clear if you've taken them up on it) as they can better assist you with her pain control. They can if needed put a midline or even a picc line in her arm so she can have a constant stream of pain medication going in her to help keep her comfortable. Ask them about that.
Your mom made the decision herself to ignore her health, and she is now reaping the consequences of that decision. That sadly is on her, not you.
You talked about her oxygen levels being between high 80's to mid 90's, as if that was good and normal. I hope you know that anything below 95 is a reason for concern.
It sounds like caring for her at this point is getting to be just too much for you, and while hospice will send aides out to bathe her and a nurse to check on her, you are still responsible for 99% of her care, so it may be time to hire some outside help to come in(with moms money of course)to assist you with her care. Or you may end up having to place her in the appropriate facility. The hospice social worker should be able to help you with that.
As moms time draws near to leave this world for the next, you can have her brought to the hospice home too where she will be well taken care of and you can get back to just being her loving daughter.
Hang in there. This is hard I know, but you're doing a great job, so stay strong, as all this will be over sooner than later.
God bless you.
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