My father has refused a hip replacement 20 years ago which would've kept him mobile. Due to back strain he can barely move around, and is reliant upon those who work for him(in his other business) for personal care....though they are helping him to heal, he shows them little respect. He shows me(his only daughter) even less respect - refusing to give me a key to let myself in when the others aren't around to do so. He acts as if I am after something(not sure what) or wanting to declare him. He refuses to discuss any legal work -such as end of life, trusts/wills, additional aids or other housing options. Most of his friends are dead, but he refuses to associate with senior communities, churches, refuses independent living facilities...and then complains of loneliness, he wants my attention but refuses to consider my time/efforts - and acts like I'm waiting for him to pass. Truly, I just want him to live out his life happy- he's choosing otherwise. What can I do differently?
Old age just intensifies behaviors we had in youth. Waiting for your father to change or treat you better is just not going to happen. So, center yourself, decide how much you want to be involved and go from there. He needs to be responsible for his decisions or lack of. Tell him that if he does not create a will and make his wishes known, the state will swoop in and decide where everything should go.
Only do the things for him that fit into your life. Sounds like he is living independently for now...hire an in-home caregiver who comes in once a week or so. If he refuses, stick to your guns and help out only when it works for you.
There is never a reason to accept verbal abuse or disrespect from anyone.
In terms of how your Dad's behaviors affect you, there is nothing wrong with gently using this time in both of your lives to gently let him know what causes you to feel sad, starting with his not allowing you to have a key to be able to be part of his care team. With gentle and limited sharing over a period of time, you may find that your Dad opens up a little, or, better yet, you will be able to let go of things over which you have no control as your Dad ages - namely his disposition and lacking trust towards others.
Don't add your Dad's emotional baggage to your life. Use the time you both have left with each other to share your own feelings with him candidly, then listen, or allow a little silence to help you both process your need for emotional healing and family trust.
It is great that you have started sharing some of what is bothering you here. If any of the sharing here helps you to share with your Dad in helping yourself heal and move forward, that would be even better.
My Mom wants nothing to do with hip and/or knee replacement, and I have always respected her decision. That is her choice to make as far as I am concerned. Doctors also need to respect elder choices, more so when their choices are nothing new. Mom's philosophy is as old as the hills. I am just her patient advocacy voice and unpaid caregiver. I don't have to agree with every one of her views on medical choices. I just need to be clear on what is of value to her in her long-term medical care.
Hugs to you as you sort through some of the issues that are painful to you. Best thing about growing older for me is striving to grow older without unresolved issues. It is my life's goal.
He reminds me of when I was raising my twin boys. I used to tell my wife not to take them out of the crib every time they cried, but she didn't anyway. So they ate her alive for years afterwards. If I was the one at home, they "knew" better. If they cried, of course I'd come and check if there was anything wrong and change their diapers if needed, but most of the time wouldn't pick them up. In a nutshell, children learn to manipulate way before they learn to speak. Your Dad is doing the same thing.
Give him a very large slice of Humble Pie. Remind him that you and the other caregivers whom he disrespects so much are all he has. Also tell him that he should start thinking about fending for himself as you begin cutting his privileges a little at a time. He'll probably go "project" and try to send you on a guilt trip (more manipulation), but that's to be expected.from someone who's about to be deprived from a lifeline.
We all go through traumatic experiences in our lifetimes, but that's not a license to treat people who care about us like trash. I've always believed you have to be a masochist to be a caregiver, and a sadist if you truly want to succeed at it. It's like having two wolves -- love and hate -- lurking inside you. The one you feed the most wins. If it's hate, your soul will rot; and those around you will have to either run and save their skin or pay a heavy price. Unfortunately, the only thing we can do with these wolves is reconcile them and strive for balance.
Love yourself again, get your self-respect back, dare to sing once more, and stop taking all this unnecessary abuse. Your're not his whipping girl or some kind of dusty doormat, but his loving daughter. Good luck.
I have been the sole caregiver for my 78 year old father for almost five years. He has chosen to give up. Yes he has had a few medical issuses but basically gave up and quit living. he has (in the last 2 years) lost
100 pounds. Due to the excess weight (at highest was just shy of 400 #) become imobile. His attitude ranges from anger to indifference. His idea of living is watching any Judge show to eating. I feel horrible that he won't help or do any thing on his own. Just recently i've been able to lose the guilt and just deal with my dad as an unhappy 300 # 3 year old.
I just have to tell myself daily that it's not my dad in there any more, and try to be as respectfull and loving as possible. I wish it were different But it's NOT!
I'm in the same boat as you, with an antisocial elderly father who relies on me for his social contact. To the rest of you, no, it's not because he's old. He's always been this way and made life hell for my mother, because he was utterly reliant on her and unable to make other friends. Lilliput's advice is right on. Fit in what you are capable of, the rest is up to him to decide, and if he won't socialize with others, that's his fault. My father is only 75, people think he's in his 50's or 60's as he's so incredibly healthy but he does nothing all day and won't get involved in any activities. Yes, he's lonely, and he's needed me to call twice a day since my mother died. He gets angry if I try to find things to get him involved in. I've done my best. Don't curtail your life for someone who is selfish and anti-social. Easier said than done, of course -- I love my Dad, and I worry about it being unhealthy for him to be alone for days at a time, but there's no reason he can't get out, and he's hurt my ability to have relationships. That's his choice, not out of necessity, but because, I've learned, he has Antisocial Personality Disorder. I talk to him twice a day and see him once a week, and that's all I can sanely handle. It does no good to sacrifice your own happiness for someone who won't be made happy by your efforts, anyway.