How to get medical assistance if my loved one resists and does not feel anything is wrong with her?

Siaram: You have to remember that YOU, the lucid one, calls the shots, not the 88 year old!

This could be my mother in law you've written of. I'm reading these answers too.

From what I've noticed when there was an incident in my town, there's not much anyone can do legally without power of guardianship. There was an old man in my town who is like a dad to me. In fact, I refer to him as my dad. He had no other family and he was declining. Not being blood family, I was in no legal position to step in and do what really needed done. He was gradually developing dementia. Just like your loved one, he was losing things and going around in circles upon them. He eventually found them. No sooner then he would find one thing, He would lose another item. It was very important to not move anything so he knew right where everything was. This is one clue I can give you that helped me deal with dad.

Though dad didn't drive, he did walk everywhere unless he happened to take a cab. What I can do is to advise you to call or visit the police department in your area and show them what proof of medical records that you may have proving that your love one is not safe to drive. I'm not sure how much help the BMV would be, but I know the cops are especially helpful where safety is involved. They may want a copy of any proof that you have that could help them in this situation. They will also need a vehicle description along with the license plate so they know what vehicle to watch for. Another place you may want to alert is the Highway Patrol just in case your love one likes to go for long drives out of town. I'm not sure of the city cops would be of much help if your loved one happens to drive out of town and out into the country or worse yet the interstate. This is where the highway patrol would come in handy.

As for medical help, and again, you or someone able to take on that task may want to go for guardianship. Without a guardian, it will be near impossible if not possible to make your loved one do what's best for them. I noticed this with dad, but not a blood relative and he has no blood family, there was absolutely nothing I could do, and my hands were tied. Things eventually worked out, and the adult protective services was able to get the ball rolling with enough information from three people, and dad was assigned a court appointed guardian. That guardian is now able to call all of the shots and get dad to do whatever he wouldn't do before that was actually good for him.
Your loved one has a huge advantage of having family. If you or anyone else in your family is able to take on the tough task and commitment of becoming a guardian, this will be most beneficial to your loved one. If no one in your family is able to do it, then someone is going to have to do it, even if that guardian must come from outside the family. You know you're loved one really needs some serious help, and you really don't want to watch that love one declined to the point of something bad happening to them. This is why someone should very seriously take that first step toward guardianship, because without that, good luck getting your loved one to do what's best for them.

Again, as for the driving, we're definitely going to want to alert both the cops and the highway patrol since you really don't know how far your loved one will drive if they pick up the keys again. The reason why I suggest both agencies is because there are jurisdictions and boundaries where counties are involved. City cops cover city areas whereas highway patrol covers areas outside city limits. Highway patrol is just that, they patrol the highways, and they also patrol the interstate. In fact, some areas may even have helicopters for an aerial view when searching for suspects or specific cars. You really want to get the word out about your situation, and it's vital to tell the right people who are most in a position to take appropriate action. If you are in that love one's home, you may want to look around for the keys, but be very subtle about it. When you see the keys hanging up or laying somewhere, you may want to pick them up and keep them on you. If this is not possible for you, then you may consider hiding them in an inconspicuous spot such as under a piece of furniture that you know you're loved one rarely if ever moves. Make sure it's a very heavy piece of furniture or maybe even a hole or something in the wall or floor. It could even be a hole in the ceiling or maybe even in the attic. Without a key, your loved one won't be able to drive a car (unless they have a spare key).
If the keys are not hanging up or laying around somewhere, you may want to consider the possibility that the case may actually already be hidden by your love one, or they may actually have that key on them. This can happen if your loved one is on to you and know that you're trying to stop them from driving or you happen to be after their keys. Sometimes people with dementia or Alzheimer's can wise up to what's going on and take countermeasures to stop whatever it is others are trying to do. If they know that someone is after their keys for instance, they may take the initiative and actually take measures to protect those keys by either hiding them or keeping them on themselves. If your loved one actually keeps the keys on them, you really won't want to get physical with them by trying to tackle them down to get in their pocket for the keys, because someone could get hurt in the process, (and you really don't want that). This is why it's much better to tell the cops and the highway patrol so they can do what they're more in a position to do where the public safety is involved. If they see the vehicle, they can actually pull it over and stop that person. (Remember, they work for us, not the other way around). The more information they have on someone they pulled over, the better, especially if there's actual proof in their records that someone should not be driving. The license, plates and insurance may be valid and up-to-date, leaving that person legal to drive. However, in the case of a medical condition that prevents them from driving safely, the cops and Highway Patrol will definitely need to know about that on so that they can stop the person from driving and impound the car. I seriously doubt that the cops will leave your loved one stranded when the car is taken, a ride will be arranged for them.

Siaram, I believe our elders want to hang onto as much control and independence they can, and will fight us tooth and mail to keep that independence. I see that in my aging parents who are in their 90's. Sometimes we need to step into their shoes and see what it is like. And learn from there.

My parents also had been refusing help. My parents thought they could still do their own yard work, few years ago you would see 30 large yard bags of old leaves. Couple years ago 15 bags. Last year about 5 bags. Now I've seen a half a bag. Dad finally is dusting off the wallet and hiring a landscaper.

One has to become a bystander and just watch instead of helping... then and only then will the elder realize oh I can't do this or that any more.

Call APS in your area.

This is a very good question because Dad will not except help. He is 90 and is pooping all over the house and 90 year old Mom is walking in it and tracking it all over the house. Mom I got to use a pull up but Dad refuses to use one. In past Mom lived with us for 7 months and I lived with them for 7 another 7 months. When I moved in with them I took our yellow lab with me and even the dog did not want to stay with them. Every morning Amber (our dog) ran out to the car to show me the door handle of the car!! Both parents in and out of the hospital since 2012. Last bout I had to send them back to their house together because my husband came down with pancreatic cancer on May 2014 or I should say that is when he was diagnosed. Mom also suns up and not down. I have neglected my own health since 2012 and am now going to get a Bone Density test today plus a monogram. Mother called me this morning telling me that Dad can not hold his bowels again this morning already. I decided to ignore it this time and get my tests done. I am looking into a cleaning lady who will go in and clean the bathrooms at least for them. I am 60 and can not do it anymore.

do what is necessary even if it makes Mom mad. You must learn tough love. Better tough love than driving and killing someone. 911 can be called at anytime

You talked to her doctor. Had she ever signed a HIPAA waiver to allow your doctor to speak to you? Are you her Medical POA? If neither of these things is in place, I suspect you talked and the doctor listened, right? In any case, did you learn anything that was helpful in dealing with her?

The very first thing I'd address is her driving, because that puts others at risk. Your profile says she has dementia. That involves more than memory loss -- poor judgement is usually involved. She may remember how to drive very well, but if faced with an emergency she may not react quickly enough or responsibly. I would write to the DMV and explain the issues. I'd remove her keys. Disable the car. Whatever it takes, keep the people in her neighborhood safe, no matter how livid she gets.

What kind of medical assistance do you believe she needs? People with dementia generally reach the point where they can't live alone very early in the disease. Often the alone-at-home period can be extended with in-home help, such as housekeeping, meals-on-wheels, a visiting nurse, or perhaps a companion. Usually that does not last indefinitely, and either round-the-clock care is needed in the home or in a facility.

But you probably know all that, right? And you are wondering how to get her to accept help when she is sure nothing is wrong with her (or, more likely, is afraid something is wrong and she's living in denial.)

With my husband and my mother we used the "you deserve to retire" approach rather than emphasizing the disability. "You've taken excellent care of your house and now you apartment forever, Mom. Now it is time for you to retire and let someone else vacuum and dust and do the laundry." "Honey I know you could fix that door jamb. You've always maintained the house well. Now that you are retired we'll get the handyman to do it and save your energy for something fun." I can't say this worked a miracle and Mom and Hubby were thrilled with the help, but it seemed to help their acceptance at least sometime.

Just like with the driving, you may have to be firm and do what is necessary even if it makes Mom mad.

There are limited to what you can legally insist upon. If she is still competent she has a right to make her own decisions, even very bad decisions. But don't give up trying to help her until you've tried all the approaches you can think of.

Please give more details about what you think she needs, and others here will be able to speak from their experiences.