Mom has lived with me for 2 1/2 years, and until very recently, I had not seen her bank account--my sister managed moms money. Sister recently told me she wanted out and is turning everything over to me, and for me to care for mom how I see best, and she will no longer interfere. (More to that part of the story later). That day (July 17th) was a breakthrough in an enormous struggle between caring for my mother, and my sisters remote-managing our personal lives . Or so I thought....
Sis has held moms bank account for years. I have mom in my home. Sis tried micro-managing our household through moms money, claiming I'd blow it if she didn't, so to keep the peace for moms sake, I kept quiet and let her. We cared for Mom and she had no expenses here.
Sis took thousands over time and set them in a separate account. Mom was my priority and we managed without the use of her Soc. Sec.
Sis only saw mom on occasion for driving her to doc appointments and an afternoon out. Maybe once a month, but one day they stopped at a nursing home and went in. Mom got excited that she'd have all those fun activities and people all around to talk to, so she wanted to go in! The staff told my sister it was the first time they had ever seen anyone who wanted to go to a nursing home! So I cried so much pain when I heard the news.....and kept it to myself. Mom thought she was in hog heaven! And she was relieeved she would no longer be a burden to me...(which she was not, but in her mind, she was).
She went in and I hated my sister for doing that. It was wrong Mom did not belong there.
On the 4th week in the nursing home, my sister called me, expessed how exasperated she was having to run and do things for mom. (I cannot drive, I am legally blind) and she said she was near her wits end. I told her mom never neede3d to go, she can come home any time.
Sis called again two days later--this time so upset she was crying, telling me she has had it! She just can't take the running any longer and it is stressing her so bad she was going to have a nervous breakdown! Then she said to me "I thought if I put Mom in the nursing home I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore!" God as my witness. Hubby heard too.
That did it. I told her mom ws coming home.
I went straight to the Nuring home, told the staff what just happened and started to unravel Mom from the process and get her home. It was gonna be a few days. In the meantime, my sis had applied for Medicaid for Mom, and it was still in the decision process.
Sis emailed me and told me she was turning all moms finances over to me. She was done. She brought all moms personal papaers and documents over. She had these since she paid moms bills and managed her money. She told me I could just take care of Mom as I saw fit and do whatever it took to appease her. Whew, what a relief! This was one happy household when Mom came back home and we were hopefully going to be at peace noww instead of sis butting in and meddling. (What I mean by that is if we used moms debit card for anything, we had to account for it. If she thought we were using it too much, she'd have a cow. She left Mom just a couple hundred dollars in her account each month to get her personal thigs, and she wanted to know where it was spent).
On July 24th, I saw moms account for the first time. I could see back about a year and a half, and money was being moved into sis's personal account. Sis admitted she put mom's money is a separate account (about 7,500.00 to 8,000.00), for safe keeping--in the event Mom "needed something''. But I see over 11,000.00 moved in those months. She said she wants to keep Moms money that she saved for her. She refuses to let me, moms long-time caregiver and now agent for POA, have access to it, yet wants nothing to do with our mother.
When I asked to see this money and its where-abouts, she became extremely irrate, drove over here to my home, told me there was no way in hell I was getting my hands on that money and screamed FU in my face-then punched me. All I wanted was to see it! I had never ever seen her behave like that before!!!! I was shocked. A police report was made and she is barred from this home now.
I told mom..I had to.
It is my desire to continue to provide moms care, without hindrance from another who feels compelled to set our mothers money aside for 'whatever mom needs". I too feel the same, however I see a misguided sense of 'responsibility' in this case. There are many issues that play into this (as you can imagine), and know that these things can and do run deep. (Jealousy, control issues, depression)
Also, Mom has since qualified for Medicaid. I want to tell them what is going on, that sis has stashed moms cash for 'her needs'. whatever that means.
Attorneys won't touch this with a 10 foot pole. It's stupid. It is Moms money. Not hers to keep hidden.
I have contacted Elder Affairs, have not heard anything from them yet. HELP!
Don't get confused! So sorry you did! Mom only qualifies for medicaid for her medical stuff and does not get checks. When sissy put her in the nursing home last summer, she made application to Medicaid to get mom on so it would pay for her nursing home. Remember, I got Mom back home after a month...sissy didn't like having to make trips to the NH to run errands for her and was upset about that. I got Mom out! They had been telling her she really didn't need to be in there anyway.
She has her SS and that is all. I have DPOA as of this past July and that is when I saw into Moms bank account for the first time. That is when I saw how month after month sissy transfered money from moms account to her own. She ahd been paying her bills and handling all the finacial end of things. I had the caretaking part. I never saw the financial end of things until after Mom came home from NH and I got DPOA. That was just July.
Mom doesn't need Medicaid any more thn she needed to go in the nursing home. That was a POWER PLAY by sissy. Not only did sissy take Moms money and put it 'away', she somehow qualified Mom for Medicaid so her NH bill would be paid, and Mom is still on Meidcaid for Medical. So what happens if Sissy DOES give the money back? I have to do a fast spend down, or it has to get paid back to Medicaid. Frankly, Medicaid probably deserves it back! But dangit, this all should have never ever taken place.
My sister is very self centered--a control freak is keeping it mild. I told the APS gentleman that she was very intimidating. I think after talking to her he can see she is a few bricks for of anything close to congenial.
It is tempting to tell her to stick it somehwere and be done with it. This whole thing has been sooo stressful to me and Mom and my poor hubby who sees it all. But if I let this go, then I am letting my thief/liar sister get away with stealing.
I would suggest that you put the money in her account and fill out the form that Medicaid has for just this purpose, informing them that she has more than 2,000 (Texas) in her account. We did this as soon as his account reached that amount after he returned to work.
They will let you know if anything changes in her Medicaid status. It doesn't sound like there is any reason for you to hurry and spend down her money. While I am sure it could be different for elderly people, Medicaid statuses are generally requalified on a 12 month basis. The change may affect her status for the next year's qualifying.
Sounds like your mom can look forward to many happy years in your home. Always nice for her to have a little nest egg in case she does want additional furniture for her bedroom!
We could sue if we have to. Does it really have to go that far?
Suzmarie, no way could I be 'mad' at you! I know you emant well and you are so full of good its awesome!
Mom should NOT be even on Medicaid...but how can I undo all this and then what would happen if she really DID need to go to a nursing home one day.....
My sister thrives on making things tangled and complicated...she is a master at it.
Anyway, I like to dream and see things through her eyes. She thinks I am too concerned about her and need a life. Well, I do...but right now she is priority in it. These days are numbered. I can't get them back once gone! My sisters, neither of them, see Mom the way I do. I see love. They see demanding and ungrateful. They see hard work. I see sharing and watching over each other. You get what you give and that just drives my sisters crazy. No wonder they are bitter. I can't help it if they can't get along with Mom they way I do, and accuse me of things they are. I believe sissy is so resentful that I have a great relationship with mom she wants me to hurt like her. When all she has to do is love Mom like I do. Its so simple. I'm rambling. GNite
Well, nearly 6 months later, and after requesting asstance and getting it, this issue is finally over! Sis returned Moms money to her account yesterday.
None of us here have heard a peep from her. But she did the right thing. The Elder Advocte for central FL mediated the whole thing and did a fine job. To Community Legal Services of Central Florida, I give my thanks and much appreciation.
Now comes the second phase. Sis got Mom qualified for Medicaid right before I took over moms finances and became DPOA. She did that when she put Mom in the nursing home. Mom was in one month before sissy gave it all up and didn't want anything more to do with mom....and that is when I brought her back home. She is still on Medicaid and now that the money is returned as it should be, I am in a quandry as to handle all this so Mom does not lose her Medicaid. Or should I just end it? Mom really does not NEED Medicaid, however if she she should ever need to go to a nursing home, the money that was returned will be in question. I will be taking care of mom -pre-needs...if you kow what I eman, but there will be some left over that will still disqualify her should she need Medicaid.
I have had mom here almost three years bow, and the last two I have covered all her living costs and do not charge or make her pay anything. Now I understand from researching that if I don't, she may be disqualified anyway cos she has no expenses!
I don't get it: she gets 1286.00 a month, Medicaid can still deny her nursing home coverage because she has too much money.
I don't feel right about all this and I should feel like a load has been lifted...but I don't. It feels even heavier and for the life of me I can't shake the feeling. That darn money sissy took and finally returned is a PITA and poor Mom can't even do what she wants with it cos now Medicaid will question whatever she does with it.
Okay. Stick me with a fork. I'm Done.