How do we get out of a bad situation with elderly Mom?
To make this as brief as possible, my mom age 84 almost 85 was hospitalized last year (dad passed away 2012) and told hospital my oldest son, age 26, was her FT caregiver. He wasn't. However, he has since become that due to those events. Things have progressed to where he is no longer able to give her the care she requires. She refuses now to help herself and is not in good shape physically or mentally. She absolutely refused to discuss living anywhere else when she was in the hospital even though I was telling her and staff she wasn't able to live alone. She isn't. Her finances are horrible. My son has POA and took them over to the best he can, but she cannot afford to move. Needs to file bankruptcy due to cc debt and an upside down mortgage. There's a lot more to this, of course, but my main question is what do we need to do to assign her care to someone like a social worker. I have read about dropping people off at the ER. We have already decided when she goes back to the hospital again we will refuse to take her home. Again, she is NOT physically or mentally able to live alone. My son needs his life back and there is no one else. She refuses all other assistance. Any and all advise will be appreciated.
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Let the bills go so you can concentrate on the other issues. In most states, children are not responsible for the debts of their parents. And elder law attorney will know.
I should have thought it would not be difficult to persuade the various authorities that, even in these equal opportunities oriented times, it is wildly inappropriate for an untrained young man of 27 to be providing hands-on personal care for his eighty-four/five year old grandmother.
The POA, now: how did it come about that he agreed to accept it? Who advised him? If it was his grandmother's attorney, I would recommend that your son go back to that attorney, explain the unintended consequences of the POA - that his grandmother is now refusing much-needed help that he cannot himself provide, for example - and seek his assistance in resigning same. Without a valid POA, and assuming that she lacks the capacity to grant a more sensible one to you - even if you were willing to accept it - your mother would then become the responsibility of whatever authorities your state appoints to deal with these things. The management of her life would be off your son's hands and therefore out of your hair.
I glean from your post that your son is living with your mother, is that correct? Where else could he live? I'm not, myself - though I wouldn't judge others pushed to extremes - keen on the "drop 'em off at the nearest ER" solution; but I would suggest that your son makes alternative living arrangements and then contacts APS to explain that he is moving out and his grandmother will be on her own and at high risk of self-neglect, at best. They should be round reasonably promptly, at which point he hands them the keys, smiles sweetly and takes his leave in an orderly fashion.
Now then, I further presume that if your son were keen on any of the above, he'd already have made a start on it. Not so, apparently; so what are his views? You correctly state that this young man needs his life back. Would it be fair to guess that that is perhaps not exactly how he sees it?
You say, with some confidence: "…when she goes back to the hospital…" Where does this come from? Does she have any known conditions that will take her there?
You also say that she is not in good shape mentally. The loss of your father (my condolences) is still comparatively recent: is she having trouble with depression following bereavement, perhaps exacerbated by financial woes, or is there any other diagnosed mental illness?
But I'm really just being nosey. On the other hand, the answers to these questions in document form might be very helpful for social workers coming on to the scene. I wish you every success in getting professional help for your mother and relieving your son, guilt-free, of an unreasonable task.
I would call her doctor or take her in for an exam. Explain that there is no one to stay home with your mother and care for her and no money to pay anyone to do it.
She needs to get on Medicaid. Then it will be just a matter of her doctor prescribing skilled nursing care.
Your mother's objections are the least of your worries and you can cross that bridge once you've chosen a nursing home and have a move-in day scheduled. You need to protect your son from sacrificing his career-building years.
You must stand your ground and do battle with the social agencies until they co-operate just to get rid of you. At 26 your son has his whole life ahead of him and it's utterly unfair that he's been put in this position.