I am sole caregiver of my Mother, age 79. She has Dementia which is Moderate. Has Non aggressive Ovarian Cancer. This was found accidentally in a CT Scan she had in Feb 2015. She refuses to treat the cancer and I support her choice. She has no pain or problems from this cancer, so far. She is not treating the cancer therefore she is considered Terminal by Medicare. She receives Palliative care at home. The respite for me is from her Hospice Medicare Benefit.
I am my Mothers only living child, I am 54. I am her DPOA, HPOA but not her guardian. I am hoping not to have to cross that bridge.
I have had Major Depressive Disorder with Anxiety since the mid 1990's. I take several medications every day. I have been stable for a long time but being sole caregiver to Mom is starting to affect me.
Mom lives in our second home, in her hometown in NE MI, has lived here since 2007 and was in perfect health then. Her Dementia slowly started to show itself early in 2013 she was put on Aricept. In November of 2014 she started a serious decline and now she is just a mere shadow of the Mother I knew. Due to her Dementia, I have lived with her in NE MI since last November. My husband is living in our other home that is in SE MI where he works. It is a four hour drive from the house down there to the house up here.
All of my medical is in SE MI. I have to see my Psychiatrist at least four times a year. My husband has taken Vacation time to come up and be with Mom, so I am able to go to my medical appointments. My husband should not have to take time off and drive up here every time I have an appointment.
My husband and I have not spent one night alone since last November, a situation I would like to see change. Also we have not lived together since last November which sometimes upsets me. My husband is very supportive and never complains.
Mom won't leave the house, she stopped driving last fall. Only time she will go is to Doctors appointments, which at times can be a huge struggle to get her to go. She only gets dressed when she has a Dr appointment. Otherwise she is in her nightgown and robe around the clock.
No one in her family has offered to help, they all live in this area. In a way I kind of understand why the don't offer. Mom's two brothers came to see her in May. They have always been very close. Sadly, She did not know her brothers - did not recognize them. After an hour visit she still could not make the connection that they were her brothers. She does not know her adult nieces and nephews either.
Unfortunately, I believe Mom is past the point that I could sit down and talk with her about the situation. I considered talking to her but I know within 5 to 10 minutes she will totally forget what we talked about.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
We can't put all of our energies into caring for someone else to the detriment of our own lives. That's what will make US sick.
If you are to survive this you have only two choices:
1. Hire respite care in your home for mom.
2. Move mom to a skilled nursing care facility.
I'm not suggesting you abandon her but you need relief. I doubt your mom will be happy no matter what you do. She will adjust to seeing you less. She may well cry and yell at you but you need to be tough. She will probably forget her perceived injustices in short order.
I believe I saw an earlier post from you in which you stated that you had done some reading on this forum. If so you can see that you are not alone. This is one of the most common hardships for caregivers.
Hopefully you will get many other responces to your questions. Best of luck to you.
And if mom makes a good adjustment be prepared to let her remain in the care of others. And it sounds as if that is what is best for mom and you. What would your mom want you to do if she could tell you? Many times my mom told us she never wanted us to care for her in her old age. Though I did provide that care for four very trying years and no support from siblings.
Now I see that I was not specific enough with my question. What I need to know is HOW ... yes she is petite and weighs 100 lbs so I'm sure my husband could pick her up, carry her out to the car, and then carry into the NH where she will be for respite care. If she raises complete h*ll in the nursing home before I even get her checked in are they going to want to take this disruptive person?? If she says NO- I am not her legal guardian. I can not legally force her or can I force her? I did not think the DPOA & HPOA gave me rights to do this but maybe I am wrong?
If she wants to stay in my home then she should make sacrifices. Of course a reasonable person understands that but she is way beyond using reason to get her to understand. She is much like a young child in many ways. How do you reason with a person that is not really able to reason anymore? I can see the look on her face... it is non emotional- not angry or teary... it is like she is thinking hard and trying to make the connection but after awhile it is obvious she can't make the connection.
Mom would have never wanted me to sacrifice my life to care for her. She was always extremely independent, outgoing and social. She was a good Mom but once my brother (who has died) and I grew up and went on our own way she made a life for herself.. was not hanging on to one of us to have a life.
That person is no longer here - her body is here- for the most part she is just a shadow of who she was.
Given this new information does anyone have any suggestions?
You are dealing with a broken brain that no longer makes connections, but she DOES know that you are the anchor piece, so she doesn't want to let you out of her sight. The thing id, if you die, or break down from the stress of caregiving ( it happens frequently), then what will she have? No one.
If you try the above approach and it results in uncontrolled behavior, then you talk to her doctor about some calming meds. Mt dear, whatever it takes at this point.
My mom is in a memory care facility now, constantly wanting to go home to check on her little girls. Needless to say it has been many years since we have been little girls. The facility tells Mom that she is there waiting to see the doctor, the doctor is running late, got stuck in traffic in the mountains and will be there as soon as possible. Amazingly, or not really if you know dementia, it works nearly every time.
Yes I have read about therapeutic fiblets on one of the forums. I know it has to be done too. But I am always open to learn more. If I am feeling strong enough I CAN tell a therapeutic filbet... I am known for my Honesty but in this situation we are not dealing with just an everyday situation. Thanks for your post.
I am wondering if I posted this in the right place. I did not pick a topic so it was placed under Senior Living-Continuing Care. Probably should have posted it to Caregiver Burnout or some other group. Oh well Live and Learn.