My wife and I moved in with my mother 14 months ago to help take care of her. My mother has had 2 strokes and after her most recent hospitaliztion has been diagnosed with dementia. She cannot dress, bath, or get herself in bed. Also, my mother is extremely weak and has to use a walker with assistance! She has fallen twice luckily no bones were broken. I had to physically pick her up off the floor! Also, the stress this puts on my marriage?
Have you checked with your doctor and perhaps Hospice to see if your mother qualifies for help? If you could have someone come in to help with the ADLs, it would be a big help. Organizations like Hospice will work for what Medicare or other insurance will pay, which is so helpful. Getting some day-to-day help may take some of the stress off your marriage.
If sister was opposed to the idea of keeping Mom home or if she wasn't consulted, that may be harder sell. "You decided you could take care of Mother. Fine, you take care of her. I think she should be in assisted living, but no one asked me." hmmm ... she has a point. This will be a more difficult discussion, but with the new diagnosis it needs to be had.
Either way, I hope that your sister will pitch in.
About the strain on your marriage: That is another tough one, Joe. Do you work outside the home? Does your wife? Do you share the Mother tasks equally, or does one of you do the balk of the care? Is this what you both expected before you moved in? Did you both agree to it?
You absolutely must have breaks from the caregiving, time when you can be together uninterupted. If sister can do regular respite care, that will help resolve this particular issue. If sister can't/won't, hire someone else to do it (with Mother's funds, which, I'm sure, you are keeping extremely careful track of spending.)
What is your mother's financial situation? If she has assets and income, use some of her money to bring in other help. If she does not have much besides the house and a small income, apply for Elderly Waiver to get some help. (Start by calling Social Services in your county and ask for a needs assessment.) Have a bath helper come in twice a week. Get a house cleaning service. Offload whatever tasks you can so that you can focus on taking care of Mother.
Would some physical therapy help Mother regain some strength?
No matter what you expected 14 months ago, things have changed. Caring for someone with dementia is a whole new ballgame. Learn about dementia. Join a support group. Take advantage of any help available. ARRANGE FOR RESPITE CARE on a regular basis.
I also suggest that you see an attorney who specializes in Elder Law. Make sure things are set up in the most advantageous way. For example, you living with her is keeping her out of a nursing home. This can help protect the house from being used to repay her expenses if she ever needs to go on Medicaid. Be sure it is documented correctly. That is just an example, but it will be worthwhile to make sure all the ducks are in a row.
I hope you will be able to keep Mother safely and comfortably in her home until the end, with help from Sister, and with your marriage intact. Dementia is a progressive disease and in many cases it becomes almost impossible to successfully care for someone with advanced dementia 24/7 in a private home. Your first priority is making the arrangement work right now. Then you also need to think of the options down the road.
My heart goes out to the three of you, and to your sister, too.
If you have to put her in a respite facility so the two of you can go away or just be at home alone do it......
Ask a friend, a neighbor someone at church whom you trust even for a couple of hours to just go to dinner, for a walk or icecream.
I had to put motherinlaw in a adult daycare two days a week, I drop her off hubby picks her up after work...... at least she is somewhere else for the day and gets out. I can do errands and keep up on some of the things that don't get done because I am caring for her almost fulltime........
Check out what kind of insurance your Mom has and see what options might be available to you to help you......
Call the center on aging in your area and see where to look for help.
Your not alone.......
I know your both tired. It is hard and it is frustrating.
Does your Mom need to be in a nursing home?
I hope you find the help you need. I am sorry your sister doesn't see that you can not do it all. I get mad because the siblings live in another state and it is up to us.
What is your role? Will your SIL and BIL allow you to be actively involved in finding a solution? Do you want to be?
FIL currently has a PT coming 3 times a week, and an occupational therapist once or twice a week. My wife and I feel like the best thing to do is get him in assisted living, using all of the financial resources that are available to him (house, cars, retirement etc.) but I think there will be resistance from BIL and his wife. So...