How do you get someone to think positively?

No one can change anyone's way of thinking or frame of mind. It's a choice we all make. If your mom is generally a positive person, then I think that she is probably grieving, especially if she has always taken good care of herself and been a healthy person. In grief there is denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. There is no specific order to how a person will go through this, and they Can go back and forth through the stages before they are finished.

When she says "why me?", IF she is NOT in a fragile state of mind, you can ask "why not you?". Often we ALL need that question, it's a wake up call. Don't leave her there, quietly sit a while and see if she'd like to discuss it. If counting her blessings was ever something she did before, a journal can help her begin again. Of course thinking of your blessings is hard to do when you are depressed, it's hard for me too, but they can be found, and when they are, record them in the journal.

Accepting limitations? Seriously? How many of us are good at that? I am still angry that I can't go rock climbing or do 30 mile backpacking trips anymore, and it's MY OWN FAULT. The best thing is to help her find NEW things that she CAN do and enjoy. Modifying old things will only be irritating at the moment, but maybe when she is past her grief, she will choose to do just that.

Has she been spending most of her time indoors? Everyone needs At LEAST 20 minutes of sun everyday. Doctors at the VA hospital, (I'm a veteran), now prescribe D3 along with other meds for depression. I take D3, but I also sit outside in the sun for 10 minutes at a time several times a day. Careful not to burn!

I know that this is extra work for you, but it may be only a kick start that she needs. You can't make her choose to think differently, you can only show her a different way and hope she takes that path.

It's ok to disagree with her negative statements. You can say that you understand why she feels that way, but it's not true. This way her feelings are validated, but the statement is not.

Like this, (I have to do it for myself when I make depressing statements). I'll make the negative me Pamela, and the positive me PamelaSue.

Pamela: I am a crazy old lady and I will always be crazy and never get better and nobody loves me!
PamelaSue: I can understand how you feel that way, it's been a very difficult time for these last seven years and you have been fighting very hard to get better, while remembering some really horrible things. But the fact is you are NOT crazy. The things you went through as a child and as a young women would kill most, but you kept on fighting. You are still fighting, you bring yourself into therapy consistently. You are not crazy at all, you are struggling with the very real effects of PTSD, and the reactions you have are "normal" to PTSD. And as to people not loving you, David loves you, you told me that. Doesn't he always take care of you? Didn't he bring you to the hospital when you had chest pain? Or the time you had the migraine? Your daughter has always stuck by your side. Your friends visited you when you were in the hospital, Scott even drove here from out of state because he cared so much.

And THAT is how you do it. Don't stick around if they want to continue to disagree. Just leave them to think on what you said.

Since she is normally a positive person you can assume that she wants to be again and just doesn't know how to get back to herself. I know this feeling well. Have either of you considered counseling for her? Talk Therapy has been the saving of me, LITERALLY. I tried medications without luck, the side effects were horrible, it's talk therapy that helps the most. Both one on one and group. I did not want group therapy at first, I fought it. But now I know it's a great help to me.

MOST OF ALL, when it is overwhelming, WALK AWAY. TAKE A BREAK. I lived with my husband Steve's depression for well over a decade and it was too much to bear, especially considering I had my own PTSD to deal with. I learned to go out and take hikes and go fishing because they were free. To disappear for a weekend by sleeping in my truck at the beach. If you can do something like that, DO IT. You can't help anyone or give of yourself when there is nothing there. You have to find ways to uplift and feed your soul. Even small things, like a garden to work in, walk around the block, phone call with your best friend, a good book, a cup of coffee or glass of iced tea or even a cold beer outside on the porch, a long bubble bath with candles and soft music, and CHOCOLATE. Spend some money, get your very favorite kind of fancy chocolates, especially if they are on sale, then you buy several bags and you always hide this away. My Auntie Karen sent me a special tin that I set on the bookshelf in plain view, my kids never knew.

I hope you can find something in here that's actually useful or do-able. I will pray for you.

When all else fails, I remind her: Behave or go live somewhere else. Works like a charm.

AH, but I'm being entirely serious - I've really done that with chocolote! :-)

It was just a little humor - partially

frustrated2, drugs may be great if the side effects don't kill you...
I recommend trying CHOCOLATE first.

You can get good stuff sugar free, fat free, maybe even with coconut filling - that sort of thing always helped my mom's mood quite a bit, and I've probably kept myself off of Prozac with a well-timed all-chocolate meal or two (think Fiber One chocolate cereal, with Muscle Milk Lite chocolate, and a couple of Gayle's Miracles on the side :-)

MOOD ALTERING DRUGS

Dear ChristinaW, I agree with you. I think the entire question of "How can I make someone happy?' or "How can I get someone to think positively?" is ludicrous!
You can't. That's their job. And if you continue to try, that giant sucking sound you hear will be your soul being sucked out of your own limited time on earth. Do not try. Do not listen to the negativity. Don't even care about it. Do something that makes YOU happy and in the process, you will become easier to live with and do more good in this world than all the waste-of-time caring if disgruntled parents are happy. We caregivers have way too much to do to destroy ourselves on this fruitless quest.

All thinking is a habit. Those who are interested in improving their awareness, thinking, habits, probably will at least try. Some people just get so wrapped up in human pursuits they forget their soul has a purpose. It's great when the two can merge. You can't talk someone into being positive if they don't know the difference.
When I read certain people on Aging Care, I see positive, loving people who have suffered, but something in their awareness has caused them to rise to a higher purpose. Sadly, I read others who continue to whine and ride the giant hamster wheel. No matter how many caring posters give good advice, they continue to complain. Can you change them? No. Can they change? Only if they become aware of their negativity, want to and decide to.
Positive thinking is a habit to cultivate. Choosing to be happy, grateful, helpful, pro active, loving, must be practiced. God help us to become aware and practice positive thinking, which will improve the lives of everyone around us. xo

I wish I was writing this to give you a good answer to dealing with a negative person, especially, one that includes their outlook on life.

My mom has been a complainer ever since I can remember. She is 87 and taking care of my dad, also 87, who has mild to moderate dementure (but not AZ as we know at this point). They bicker and fight and then she just dumps it all on me because I am now the only person in the world who calls her (except all the doc appt. stuff). I have tried everything from trying to fix the problems (which never work because THERE IS NO SOLUTION TO A COMPLAINER'S COMPLAINTS. Very important! The complaining is the way they communicate. Somehow their adrenaline may have shifted to a bad place in their head and comes out through the mouth! So, now, I just listen and 'YES' her to death and agree with her. If she says, "Your father is so difficult. You have NO idea how hard it is for me." I say, "I hear you, Mom. It seems to have been like this for a while." I just confirm what she is saying so I'm not escalating her need to bicker back and forth with me. Otherwise, I say something more positive and she just tells me, "Well, that's because you have" .... always a better situation that is never as bad as hers. So, I agree with the person who just says back, "Don't want to listen to complaints! Have enough of my own!" AND "I agree with everything you say no matter what it is" answer can keep the elder with not much else to say.

It took me a long time to figure out that I can't fix my Mom's self-descripted negativity nor am I responsible for her or my father's marriage well-being unless it relates to specific things (mostly physical or harm's way). It's still a constant struggle -- thank you for everyone who has helped me by sharing their wisdom.

LOVE this thread. Someone dear to me, after all the stunning, wonderful, Holy Week and Easter services (we're Catholic, so we just finished Lent and got our Alleluias back :-) tried to deflate the happy mood by bringing up a trivial misspoken phrase in the homily and a piece of unverifiable (proably Drudge Report) bit of bad news and I told 'em point blank that was way off base and there was no spoiling the joy of the moment. Uh uh. Our pastor is our age and facing the same issues, and all his messages this week really helped me to see my way clear to embrace life in all its joy, sorrow, and glory. I am feeling A LOT better today even though it started with a migraine. And I'm going to keep the Easter attitude going, with God's help, as I head back to work too. Happy Easter to EVERYONE!!

Feeling my frustration recently about my mother constantly carping about my father and how he doesn't ________ (you fill in the blank, it is something over and over every day), my friend said to me, "you have to leave today so you can return tomorrow." My new mantra, and I thank God for it. So now when she starts in on him, I say this in my head and I stand up and leave. Not rudely, just firmly, "I've got to go now." And in leaving, I know I can survive and come back another day to try it again. You can't change someone who has practiced complaining and victimization for a lifetime, so don't try. Just find a way to help yourself get through it with a behavior that allows you to retain respect for yourself -- just leave. Leave today so you can go back tomorrow. And remember there will come a day when you will wish you could return to them, and they will no longer be there for any length of time.

Dear Soozieq, If you think back, you will find your mother was like this all her life. Welcome to Dante's 7th level of hell. Don't take the elevator. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go directly to jail. The only difference between then and now is that you could get away from her then. If you give no answers back to any of her statements and change the subject, she'll stop getting a payoff for her miserable attitude. Or you can run away and leave no forwarding address. I'll drive the get-away car.

Thank you for your very valuable suggestion. Much appreciated. I just spent all day videotaping a group of AIDS victims talk about their lives and the stigma they endure when telling their friends and families. Hopefully, until there is a cure, we will find a way to be more understanding, compassionate and accepting. One young man was born infected from his mother. Another was betrayed by a long-time partner. Peace and love to everyone struggling here. And Happy Easter.

Vstefans: I just want to share some experiences with you. Maybe they will be of help or not. I don't know. But here it is. We retired at 55 and moved to the Pacific Northwest, immediately moved my parents her and they lived in a little house we built next door to us. I am now 64. My mom passed in Dec 2008 and my dad passed in Sept 2012.

My husband and I celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary this month and we vacillated over doing something really special......far beyond the going out to dinner routine......something we had long given up since being caretakers for parents and previously didn't do because we were saving to retire.

We went to Maui for a week. Left the chilly PNW climate and experienced something different. We had never been to Maui, so it was new. Good thing. We had never snorkeled, but we learned and that took a few tries, but we learned. We walked along the beach and saw everyone, kids and grown ups and seniors, in the water and we just wanted to go play. Something very new and yet it brought back memories of when we were young; and we felt like kids.

We briefly talked with a woman on the beach. She said, "What is it about a beach that makes a 63 year old man act like a 12 year old?" I don't know, but we felt like 12 year olds. We were not thinking about planning our deaths, we were having way too much FUN to even think of the end. In short, we were being in the moment and loving a chance to learn something new and expand our abilities.

It's so easy to lose yourself to the care of parents and watch your years slip by, but if you can change it up and experience living again, you will be surprised how much your ability to embrace life comes back to you.

Our motto now is "Have snorkel will travel." We are not reckless and realize we are not 25 years old, but we can marvel at seeing a sea turtle and beautiful fish. I think the bottom line is it that it is new.

Sending all who have been through this journey a heartfelt prayer that you will take some time for yourself and just do something new. I had a real hard time after my dad passed away last year. Just couldn't come up for air. The change of pace and doing something different really make me feel so much better. \

I lived my life, prior to retirement in California. When we were in Maui we had some friends that were there at the same time. We had dinner one night and my friend asked me, "Is being in Maui similar to living in California?" I told her it reminded me of when I was 17 years old and went to the beach in San Pedro. It reminded me of Carmel and Monterey also. Her husband said to me, "You know, there is no place in California that is like any of the Hawaiian Islands. They are not at all the same." I said to him, "You are so right. There is no place in California that has all of this combined, but for some reason this seems so very familiar to me. I feel like I have been here and experienced it before." A few days later I realized that what I found familiar was just a sense of freedom. My memories and connection came from my youth when I was not responsible for children or parents. Very early memories, but so special because even though I am now 64, I am free again. It's up to me and my husband to grasp that opportunity and experience that time to be young in an older body.

Just wanted to share this. It was a big surprise to us and I hope you all get to experience it in the future.

Best wishes. Sending you all the white light of live. Cattails

My mother is 98. She has had almost perfect health all her life. Even now, although she is becoming frail and naturally slowing down and tired, aside from some back pain, she never gets sick and needs no meds. She is in a beautiful independent living facility, with friends, a great meal program and plenty of entertainment (something 75% of the senior population would only dream of being able to afford and enjoy) She complained when she moved there, and is still complaining. She complains about too much food, too cold, soup too thick, etc etc etc. She refuses to accept she needs help so the family looks after her, shopping, wash, cleaning, clothing, emptying garbage, etc not because of her age, but because her dementia is worsening and she no longer remembers or wants to do things, is paranoid, and worst of all negative. She always was negative, but now it is unbearable and it is pulling us all down. She deliberately avoids anything she might find enjoyable. She won't even take a shower, listen to music, and its been 10 years since she has laughed. I swear she lies in bed at night trying to think of something to complain about. If her back hurts, its the fault of a fall (wasn't) if her foot hurts, its my sister's fault for buying her new shoes (she didn't). If she is tired, she blames it on something and talks as if age has singled her out as the only one on earth. Her repetitive complaints are usually something we have gone over at least 200 times over the past five years. I guess at that age its normal to make everything about them, or at least some older people do. We soldier on, knowing there is nothing we can do, nothing will make her happy or smile or enjoy anything. I guess what bothers me is I know I will some day be old and scared to die, (I am now) but I pray I don't turn into her being unhappy for the last 30 years of my life. Yes, I'm scared to age, but she makes it scarier, as if there is nothing left in life to be happy about or enjoy.

Gropup, what a sad situation. At 85, if you don't have any medical issues you're in the minority. Too bad your mom can take the realistic point of view. Just keep working on your mom, be cheerful, be consistent and hope she gets "infected" with your positive advice. My mom was a negative Nellie also. Being the cheerleader didn't work a lot but I kept trying.
Bobcon, you and your wife are my kind of folk. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your attitude. You just made my day! smiling big smile

Bobcon!!! Yay! You are a GEM!
To gropup: Answer: BRAIN TRANSPLANT.

I am 82 my wife is 83, when we ask why me, we mean how can we be this old and still find life to be so good. I too have PD and yes the medsdo help, but looking to the future, the fact that PD while degenerative, is slow moving encouraging. According to the experts we have both passed our pull date so we'll just contnue to enjoy this extra time we have been granted.

I tried everything in the book: listening to her, trying to keep her busy, serving her favorite foods, taking her for walks in the park, taking her on errands in the car--having her do easy chores like watering the plants, folding laundry, reassuring her that her family loved her and needed her. Nothing worked. But this did: When my whiney, snively Mother-in-law launched into another self-serving pity party at our kitchen table with, "Please kill me. I want to die..." I cut her off with, "I am not going to waste one more minute of my time on my way to eternity. If you want to die, toddle down the driveway with your walker, lay down in the street and wait for a a garbage truck to run over you." To every complaint of, "I'm not happy!", I reply, "I don't care! I have my own problems." I absolutely refuse to be drawn into her endless crapping on. It is the only thing that works. She kept complaining because it worked for her on some sick level. Now she shuts up. I tried to get her to go to a grief counselor, to go to senior acitivities, to visit her friends. When I finally realized she had been a drama queen all the years I had known her and that she uses this to get attention, I cut the head off that snake. You will never be able to make someone happy. That is their job. And if they can't or won't do that for themselves, then let them sit in their own misery. It is asking way too much to make others happy and ruin our own lives in the process. Now she sits there sulking. Silence is golden. Let us be rich!

I'm 55 and ever since watching my parents decline and die, I can no longer live in denial...I find it hard not to get stuck thinking negatively about how my best years are behind me and harder times are ahead. But, I AM determined to persevere and make the best of it all. And of course the answer to "why me?" is "Why NOT me...everyobody else gets the same deal, if not worse.." but don't say that. The alternative to suffering the slings and arrows or outrageous aging is to die young and/or suddenly, which everyone also finds pretty unappealing, if not tragic, but probably don't say that either :-). Give the antidepressant a little time to kick in, recognize that aging really can suck, find the silver linings as best you can, and agree that NO, it is not at all easy, but its all we've got. I look at positive role models, like Billy Graham, who is very old and has even lost his sweetheart, but still goes on contributing what he can; I hope I can age half as well myself and not go crazy with self-pity and tortured self-concern, but even at my age have to really watch out for it.

That's a tall order!

The fact that Patient was a positive person before is encouraging. To my husband, the very worst thing about having dementia was giving up driving. I'll bet it took him more than a year to mourn that loss, and to stop saying things like "Why couldn't I have died in my prime like all my brothers? Did I take good care of my heart only to have this awful disease?" But eventually he accepted (to some extent) his limitations and reverted back to his more positive outlook. It probably helped that I encouraged him to do all he could. He bowled with a senior league. He golfed with a league for persons with handicaps. He got around the neighborhood on a personal mobility scooter. We tried to focus on what he could do. He had the personality to do that.

Many people would say, "If I can't drive a car, I don't want a stupid mobility scooter." or "I used to bowl 200 and now I'm lucky if I hit 120. I'm not going to settle for that." If that is the kind of personality Patient has, then you've got a hard road ahead. But if Patient used to have a more positive outlook, let's hope it will come back!

BTW, long before he had dementia my husband needed hearing aids. He fussed at that and said nobody in his whole family wore hearing aids, why him? And I told him because he was the only one lucky enough to live to an age when hearing starts to go!