I have been taking care of my husband for quite some time for mobility issues and now I strongly suspect dementia. Sometimes he is in agreement that something is wrong but lately he is very defensive and mean that there's nothing wrong with him that its all me. Lately he has been saying some really cruel things and I don't know how much more I can take. I have contemplated just moving out but feel so guilty about leaving him when he is sick. What are my rights to have him diagnosed and how do I go about doing it. At least if I knew for sure it may at least make me feel a little better knowing its his illness and not me. (sometimes I swear I am losing my mind.)
I would suggest that you learn all you can about dementia and how to deal with it. This site is a great place to start. My Dad also has always refused any testing, IM JUST FINE!! But it's quite clear that he has dementia, very little short term memory, and he can no longer reason through simple problems and tasks. In our case it's just not worth the battle to confirm what we already know.
Just a couple tips, don't argue with him, don't keep trying to convince him something is wrong with him, in his mind all is well. Don't constantly correct him and ask DONT YOU REMEMBER.....I JUST TOLD YOU THAT......... It's ok to fib a little and redirect his attention.
Sometimes it works to just take the initiative and get something going. Make an appointment for an annual routine physical for him but be sure the doctor knows what is going on. Write letter before the appointment!!! Be sure to mention the moods. Start like that.
Windyridge is right. A diagnosis is not a panacea. You re still on the path you are on with him. BUT medications can really help. First, there are medications to slow the memory loss down, and, more importantly to me personally, he might get medications to help with his mood.
My mother had turned my life into a pure misery--she was the same way. Then she got the right meds and enough of them(!) and now she is a content, cheerful person. Not doped up; she can still beat everyone at bridge. And I no longer want to kill myself and her. That was a year ago and I still can't believe it.
How grateful am I to the chemists who developed these drugs?????? Words fail me.
First off you need to be the person in control. Your husband sounds like he already has belligerence with memory loss. This can be a frightening situation and can even be fraught with danger as if he does have it he can become more and more unreasonable and become threatening.
You must have control over finances and healthcare. These are not maybes but must haves. You must not discuss this with your husband before you speak with an elder law attorney. Call your local Bar Association to get names of elder law attorneys.
Ask about how to become the Durable Power of Attorney for both Finances and Healthcare. You also must have what we call in WA state a POLST or DNR.
DNR documents are displayed in the home usually on the fridge or in the freezer.
They are there for the emergency medical workers and fire station staff if they are called to your home. It simply states yours and your husband's wishes in case of an emergency that might be life threatening. These are filled out with your doctor so that he signs it also.
You can get DVDs about Alzheimer's from your local library. You can find free counseling help nationwide through the Alzheimer's Association in your area. They have 24/7 counselors on staff to help you figure out how to communicate with your husband. I highly recommend these 2 things because the majority of folks do not know the details of Alzheimer's.
It is a shrinking of the brain because it is drying out and there are large gaping holes in the brain so that a person no longer has important reasoning powers.
Before your husband's symptoms escalate you need to have the important documents I mentioned earlier so that you have power over what decisions to make.
I work one on one with severe Alzheimer's patients. What has worked is to communicate quietly, positively and remind the person of your love for them. Stay away from the topic of dementia/Alzheimer's. But do call your doctor and explain to the staff what your concern is about Alzheimer's. Set up a time for a yearly physical. Don't tell the doctor in your husband's presence that you believe he has Alzheimer's. That will only make him resistant.
Once the doctor has made his assessment he can call you later and give you his opinion and he will likely recommend a drug such as Namenda which might help retain some of your husband's capabilities in communication. There are no miracle drugs for the disease.
Researchers have stated that it is a "lifestyle" disease and they feel that it can be prevented caught early on or at least ameliorated somewhat if caught otherwise.
See Jean Carper's very easy to read, short book:
100 Things You Can Do To Prevent Alzheimer's
You can get the book from Amazon for about $14.00 with shipping. Our library here in WA state carries it. She takes all of the relevant research and puts into what you can do easily based on diet change and vitamin supplementation to start.
The sooner you start the faster you will find some answers to your stress and worry.
A friend says he should never have been allowed to be so controlling years ago.
Now I feel so mixed up - should I just walk away when challenged - about not keeping the place tidy or filing bills etc etc? I have to hide things I buy without his permission which at my age and circumstances I can afford with my mothers
money. I need a punch bag! Other times he can be sweet and loving. Dual personality perhaps. The doctor says I need a break but he would never go in to respite and we would have to pay the earth if he did agree. A friend says she would stay with him a few days but he says no I can manage. Clearly he cant. I am so exhausted . Please I need sympathy because I feel the only way is to keep going come what may! Must be strong somehow. Good luck all of you carers!
Sorry about that. I went through that with my mom starting three years ago. Now I am going through it with my husband. So, empathy, sympathy.
The most difficult phase of all of this is, IMO, this phase: they are not capable of fulfilling their responsibilities, but are not yet ready to admit it or accept help. Everything else, including death, pales in comparison.
Sometimes it takes me days on the phone to fix something. Last week I had to request money back from an insurance company because my husband had paid two companies for our car insurance months ago.
He was very apologetic. Yet I don't think he realizes at all what is happening. I have been repeating myself for YEARS because of his hearing (up to four times for one sentence!!!)--but now must repeat because of his memory. And if I lose my patience, I feel so guilty because he is such a sweet person.
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