Going against my parents' final wishes. Any suggestions?

Yes, cremate them. They’ll be dust eventually anyway, why drag it out? The funeral industry is one of the biggest scams here in the US. They’re like hovering vultures waiting to strike, which I guess kind of makes sense.

Another option would be to donate the bodies to a medical school. They’ll cremate them for free once they’re done.

If your parents understood the benefits of cremation in this case, would they agree to it?

I would do the cremation and be sure to follow their wishes for everything else.

Grandma died in Florida but had a burial plot in NY with her husband. My mother had grandma cremated and then her remains were buried in the burial plot she had bought to be laid to rest next to her husband in NY. This may be a good compromise for you. The ashes can be mailed back to PA cemetery and you dont have to be on site for that. No worries about transporting the body for burial.

And yes have your parents prepay now for their funerals. The amount of money you would save for any future nursing home would maybe come down to a few months of care so it's really negligible in terms of saving for future facility care. Ask them about a cremation/burial combination I mentioned below. Maybe they will agree to that.

Sometimes the money just isn't available to honor wishes.

When my nephew died it would have cost us over 3k just to transport his body 400 miles and another 2,500.00+ to prepare the body for transportation. That didn't include any burial or services at the other end. It could have easily exceeded 30k and I wasn't doing that. I would rather give it to the living.

Personally, I find it utterly ridiculous for anyone to expect family to fork over tens of thousands of dollars to bury a dead body that they are done with in a specific hole.

The plot is such a minuscule portion of the expense. Yet people think they have paid for a burial by buying a plot. So sad.

If the money isn't available because it was used while they were living, you have to do what you have to do. It's not your parent any longer, it's just a dead body.

Scripture says...ashes to ashes and dust to dust...this proves church teachings about cremation are not scriptural. Just in case your parents are concerned about their souls if cremated, they needn't be.

Natural Burial. Not too expensive and most important good for the environment.

The funeral arrangements should not be made with your ease and convenience in mind. Your parents purchased a burial plot in PA and asked for traditional burial arrangements to be seen to, per their instructions. Therefore, I do not think you should defy their wishes in favor of yours, even if that means they get fewer months care in AL and more in the nursing home. Something has to give bc there isn't enough money to pay for top notch everything, so go with honoring their wishes and you'll never look back with regrets as so many people do. That's the upside here....no guilty feelings on your part, even though there will be a lot more sweat equity required of you. You don't have to purchase fancy coffins, but choose the least expensive models available. Set aside the funds required for all these arrangements from your parents money. Only if there isn't funds available to honor their wishes should you consider any other alternative like cremation or natural burial, in my opinion.

Best of luck.

So, a lot of people struggle with this decision and I understand that It’s hard for some people to decide what to do.

Funeral expenses have gone up tremendously. Not everyone can afford this. There are ways to cut expenses if you choose to have a wake.

My cousin died unexpectedly from a heart attack in her forties. She left behind three children and a husband. They were not wealthy and her husband had health issues that he was addressing himself.

What he decided to do was to hold a service, with open viewing, in a ‘rented’ casket. This cut the cost way down by not having to purchase the casket. Then he had her body cremated. They have a family plot but he chose to keep her ashes.

Everyone in my family always did the large wakes and funerals. My father did not want an ‘open’ casket. He had lost so much weight and he was self conscious about being so thin. He didn’t want people to see him in that shape.

Some people came up to my mom and me at his wake and started complaining about his casket being closed! How rude!!! They acted like they had wasted their time attending because they couldn’t gawk at him. It made me sick. I loved my father so much and it hurt me that people said this to my mother who had just lost her spouse of over 50 years!

My brother was cremated. That was his desire. His urn was placed in our family plot.

I was shocked when my mom who was never completely comfortable with the idea of cremation saying towards the end that she was fine with cremation so it would cost less, and all of her friends and many family members had died off. Covid made things more complicated as well.

You do whatever you need to do. Preparing for final arrangements shouldn’t be stressful. You have been through enough. Cremation is fine to do!

My husband and I have decided to be cremated. I have no desire for people to look at my dead body.

I had nightmares as a child from my great aunts telling me that my relatives were ‘just sleeping.’ I thought that when I went to bed that I would end up in a wooden box and not be able to get out.

I go to wakes, funerals and memorials for my family and friends to support and comfort the remaining living family. The dead are already gone. Their souls are in heaven. That’s my belief.

My friend on the other hand who cared for her sister with Downs Syndrome felt that she should have the big funeral because it was what her deceased parents wanted for her. They have a plot in a beautiful cemetery. My friend took out a special insurance policy to cover the cost and paid for the notes on that policy. Her sister got the fancy burial and she wouldn’t have had it any other way. So, it is your choice to do what you feel is best.

Other ways to save, cheaper caskets. I have heard of people ordering caskets online because they are supposed to be a lot cheaper.

There isn’t a need to embalm if you don’t do a viewing and then you can have a simple memorial service.

If either was a military veteran, free burial in a National Cemetery might be an option. Then sell the plots already purchased to pay for other funeral expenses. You could discuss it with them, of course.

Save the money for quality care while parents are alive. The guilt and regret of your parents receiving less than quality care while they are still alive is an heavier headache than not following their burial wishes. The dog and pony show of burials is for the living, to help with the grieving.

If I were in your shoes, I would honor my parents wishes. Seems that you are sure of their choice so there really isn't a gray area. That being said, if there isn't money enough for the transport, I would reconsider a traditional burial close to where they live now. I would check to see if the plots they own can be sold? This is just my opinion. I hope you find arrangements that you will be comfortable with and that also honor your parents.

You can get third party help to pay for care for the living but the same can't be said getting help paying for the dead. Keep in mind that prepay burial is one of the few allowable spend down options for Medicaid too.

People can't control what happens after their death, whatever has been planned, and they certainly don’t care at that point. Sometimes their ‘wishes’ can be followed, but not always. My FIL felt strongly about donating his body for medical research, particularly for them to see the effects of his brutal POW treatment in WWII. In fact for an unexpected reason, there had to be an autopsy after he died, and the medical donation wouldn’t be accepted after that. Young people who die in accidents overseas may have to be buried there – the cost and logistics of returning a refrigerated body from the other side of the world may be just out of the question for their family.

As you have a farm, you might check if you can do a burial on the farm. Here it’s possible if the rules are followed – distance from neighbors and underground water courses etc. It’s not common, but it is possible. It makes it easier to use a shroud rather than an expensive casket. After a cremation, it’s very common here to sprinkle the ashes in the sea, which is just down the road and was often a favourite place for the deceased and family.

One thing you could consider is to go for cremation, and then bury the ashes in the cemetery. Crematoriums often have a cemetery attached. You can have a funeral at the cemetery in the usual way, it’s just a smaller plot. That’s the way it’s often done for the overseas deaths. I think that people sometimes think on an instinctive level that cremation will be painful for the body. Of course it’s not. Spend the money on the living!

Read answers, no point reiterating what's already been said. This hasn't been asked nor answered. Are your parents Christians for example... Cremation for many Christians is akin to being buried with a pig by the Islamic. Not a great comparison but makes the point. If they are not Faith based, what does it matter at the end of the road if your bodily buried or cremated? Faith and a life lived thereby should be finished in the same vein as much as possible. If Faith is absent, how could care today trump burial? A lifelong journey of Faith ending with a specific burial following that Faith does trump care today for burial because everyone gives up day to day luxuries, personal liberties etc for their Walk of Faith. Only thing in my experience that could possibly matter in your considerations of care vrs burial & has not been voiced yet.

I never really understood why people have such concerns with what happens to their bodies once they pass on.

Whether or not you are a "person of faith", since we only borrow this mortal shell for a relatively short period of time, the means of disposal really shouldn't matter.

I have told my husband/children that when my time comes, to please do whatever brings THEM comfort after I'm gone. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

My DH and I haven't even bought a burial plot, since we really have no idea where we - or our kids - are going to end up. Silly to purchase a plot here in Orange County NY if we end up moving across the country later in life.

Our intentions are to leave enough money so our expenses are paid for; but in the event that doesn't happen, then our kids are under *no obligation* to pay for anything! Donate our bodies to science, med schools. etc. We will be beyond caring. I am Christian, and believe in eternal life, and in that belief, I sincerely hope I don't have to worry about the same crap after I'm dead that I have to worry about while alive, because frankly, that sounds like the opposite of Heaven to me.

Go ahead and cremate. In my opinion, when you're dead, you're dead and you don't know what happens to your remains anyway.

Even cremation is expensive if you use a mortuary to do it. I used a mortuary for my dad, and it cost $2500. When my mother died three years later, I used a cremation-only company and it cost $750.

I had a conversation last weekend with my extremely devout Catholic MIL. She shocked me by saying she wished she hadn't had my FIL's body at the rosary the night before his funeral, because it cost her an additional $1800. I suspect it was far more than that as they had to embalm him, do gruesome make-up (I advise not having an open casket after brain surgery 🤢), rent a casket, and have him transported to and from the mortuary by two mortuary employees.

All that, and he ended up being cremated afterward and buried in a tiny plot you wouldn't bury your dog in.

I assumed that whole production was her choice because of her religious devotion, but no -- she was scammed, plain and simple. We estimated that FIL's funeral cost right around $30,000-$40,000 once all was said and done.

I believe you should use the funds where they can most help your parents, and that's when they're alive.

They are gone. You considered their wishes but now its your decision. YOUR decision.

I would not prepay. Given how well one of your parents is at the time of the death of the OTHER one I would do all I could realistically to comfort and provide the funeral and burial that spouse wanted for their loved one. The other would be cremated. If the remaining spouse was in a latter stage of dementia upon the death of the spouse, and unaware of funeral plans and arrangements, both would be cremated. Poet, Author, and UNDERTAKER Thomas Lynch says that basically, the dead don't care. He says that once you are dead there is nothing that anyone can do FOR you, ABOUT you, WITH you or TO you that will make the slightest difference for you.
I wish you the best in these tough decisions. You will have to do the best you can in your planning.

My dad always wanted to be cremated. We had it done and he was buried in his plot with the family in another state easy peasy, and not very expensive. Mom was on the fence until she saw how easy Dads went, and found out she could be buried in his plot with him. So we did that, easy . My very Catholic Aunt saw how easy these both went and went ahead and prepaid for her eventual cremation, her priest was fine with it and so is her family. Both hubs and want to be cremated, and our DD is aware and mostly OK with it ( hates to think of us passing) We jokingly tell her we want to be on her mantle until she passes to keep an eye on her! She can figure out where to plant us. So I guess what I am saying is that people can change thier minds, so maybe bring it back up once in awhile and see what happens

The reality is when you are dead all your earthly concerns about cremation or burial will seem silly in the supernatural plane. Twisting our loved ones up over how to dispose of our dead bodies should be made as easy as possible for those left behind because the dead have no concerns or worries anymore.

If a burial is that important to a person then it should be important enough for the person who has specific wishes to make those arrangements before they die.

Putting a financial burden on loved ones to carry out your final wishes is wrong.

It might help your decision making to look at this from a different perspective -- the remaining parents viewpoint. Odds are that one will die before the other. How will the living parent react if -- even if it is very brief due to the dementia -- their last wishes weren't/aren't being honored? Something to think about...

rancks - I recommend you tell your parents if they still could understand, and anyone else who asks that it's better to spend their money on them while they are alive than after they are dead.

We went with the cremation, no viewing except to ID before cremation, no casket, just a cardboard box. There was one loudmouthed relative complaining about the no viewing, and I just ignored him.

Have you considered contacting funeral homes in your area to price shop, then prepay for the funerals? You could purchase burial insurance to help with the final expenses, too. The one thing that I would not honor is where they are buried. I would sell the plots and purchase plots near you. It doesn't sound like your parents are near death, so you may have years to make affordable payments on a burial plan.

The one thing my folks did that really helped us was to completely pre-plan and pre-pay for their funerals. All we had to do was dress mother (OS and I did this, with help from the SW at the funeral home) and pick floral arrangements. We accomplished this all in under 1/2 hour.

YS wrote the obituary/ life history. The funeral itself was planned by mother, down to the speakers, music and length of time (UNDER 1 hr).

All this made it so much easier on us kids. And we were not expecting her death, really, so it helped to KNOW that we were doing it the way she wanted. And we were able to be CALM throughout it all.

On the flip side, when FIL died, he left zero instructions. His 3 kids were floundering around trying to decide what to do. The casket alone cost almost $20K. He already owned the plot, but that was the extent of his planning.

Since I had no real 'authority' and I was NOT caught up in grief, I was able to get the 'kids' to agree that as a 42 year vet of the FD, he should be buried in his dress uniform (unbeknownst to the kids, I had already taken the suit to the cleaners and bought new underwear and socks.) I planned the music and 'helped' the family make the decisions that, oh, I wish my FIL had done. They also chose a headstone which wasn't placed for almost a year. It is huge and kind of gaudy-looking in this tiny 'town' cemetery.

My DH and I have opted for cremation. We have our 'urns' and I have written out brief obituaries. This year we will purchase the niches for our urns in the same small cemetery that dad is in). IDK whether we'll plan for actual viewings/funerals yet, but will decide that soon.

I'm not doing all this to save money, but as a final 'love you' to my kids. Based on how they all acted when I went through cancer a couple years ago---they won't miss me too much.

For what it's worth, Costco sells caskets, so if you do go the burial route, that's an option. They're pretty inexpensive, and here in California at least, mortuaries are required to allow customers to provide caskets from an outside vendor.