Grief experience for someone you did not have a good relationship with. Has anyone experienced this before?

I do understand. I will be completely frank here, as rude as some of it may seem. My parents never wanted me, nor did they ever really care for me. I think that at times, perhaps, they tried. However, my two older sisters were wanted and my arrival simply spoiled their family and they could never get over it. In some ways I never had a childhood as I needed to learn to take care of myself when my parents spent all their time caring for the children they wanted.

As soon as I turned 18 I married and left home. It was a disastrous marriage, but I managed to take care of myself and find others who taught me how to love and be loved. In spite of the childhood neglect and abuse I have lived a good life and learned to become a kind person.

When I was in my '60's I started making amends with my sisters and mother. At 65 I left my home on the east coast and moved back to the west coast to be with my family again and help to care for my mother in her home. Their were limits to what I could/would do, but we managed to work out. I could not be with my mother in her home--too many bad memories--but I could take her out for scenic drives and for lunch. I learned to actually enjoy these little trips. Before COVID I also used to take her for little mini shopping trips and other fun outings. I was a little surprised to find that I was learning some measure of what it means to be part of a family as a sister and child, not only as wife and mother.

Nevertheless, when my mother passed just 2 months ago I did find that I had no real sense of loss. Her life at 96 had become very difficult and I could only feel relief that she was gone. My life will be easier now that she is gone. I am looking forward to a life that does not include my mother but may include at least one of my sisters. For those of us who did not really experience nurturing and love as part of a family experience as children it is hard to feel much when the non-nurturing parent dies.

The last two months have been difficult at times, dealing with settling her "estate" and all the memorabilia that I have been happy to let the others have. I am letting go of all the pain and baggage again, maybe for the last time. I would like to think that I might live the next 10 or 15 years, or whatever is left to me without much thought about the person who was supposed to have been my mother. My life was much more complete when I left her home and I look forward to having my life without her needs in it.

My relationship with my father was not quite like this, but it certainly had its challenges. In some ways he was very supportive of me, but he did not show much affection and we fought big-time about certain things. Especially when I was a teenager, and at the end of his life when I was trying to look after him and my mother. His nickname in my dementia caregivers group was "the stubborn old man". His denial about my mother's Alzheimer's was a big part of what made things challenging.
When he passed, I was mostly relieved. Sad for sure, but no tears to speak of. He died at the beginning of the pandemic, and we still haven't had a celebration of life, so I don't know how I will react to that. But now that I don't have to battle him, I think of him often. I don't miss the stubbornness, but I do miss him.

You (Anyonymous1) are definitely not alone, judging by all of the comments.
I was the last child born to an older abusive father who seemed so nice to most all but his nuclear family. He was a very smart, narcissistic, probably PTSD, severely angry, physically, emotionally & verbally abusive, twisted to where he enjoyed any of us suffering & frustrated man who grew up unloved by his mother & neglected/hurt by his alcoholic father. He had to move 22 times during childhood so he ran away to other states before his parents agreed he could enter the military for WW2 @ 16.
Talk about someone who never should’ve had children or even have been married. We siblings all left home @ 17 to attend college funded with no help from him because he said no one helped him. He never attended college but he could’ve worked his way through like we all did. I found out before he died a few years ago that he partied for those important years after the War instead of going to college but he had always blamed his parents for paying for his baby brother’s college & not his. Bad choices made him bitter so he took it out on all of us, especially our sweet mother, who was fooled by his acting abilities before marriage.
Anyway, I was the child he resented the most & like several of you, ended up being his caregiver until the end. He had PTSD, vascular dementia, another undiagnosed dementia (the psychiatrist said undiagnosed due to his rapid mental decline by the time I was able to get emergency guardianship) psychosis & extreme rage.
Dad was very difficult to deal with & I felt like I aged 100 years in 1 year of 7 hospital visits/transfers where he yelled & threatened anyone & everyone attending him. I had to apologize everywhere he went & even wrote apology notes to some nurses & techs w/ gift cards.
No one @ any of the institutions were sorry to see him leave.
I tried to show Dad only kindness & to talk to him about how I was able to forgive him through Jesus.
I arranged everything for the funeral he had never planned & took care of all of his messy paperwork & estate with almost no help from my siblings. I felt no grief, only relief, @ his funeral. I was the only one with him when he took his last breath.
I did not feel guilty for being relived when he died because it was only normal after having a father like him.
I prayed to forgive him before he died even though he never changed or showed he’d repented of his abusive ways. God helped me so much. I truly felt so free that I wanted to sing & dance with joy after he was gone.
It took 5 long years of work to tie up his estate since he had no will & refused to give the power of attorney to anyone so probate…
It took that long to help my ailing mother realize it wasn’t her fault dad was abusive & that she couldn’t have been a better wife & mother. She is now living more free from him (after 64 years of abuse) than we siblings ever dreamed but her health is now declining rapidly along with her mind. :(
I (and my siblings) will cry when Mom dies because she was so loving and kind to all of us. I have been her sole caregiver in our home for this whole time. What a journey.
sorry this is so long & rambling but I feel much lighter after sharing. Maybe this will help someone else, if not you.

Anyonymous1: Imho, I can somewhat relate to your post. My own late mother kept in communication with her BIL, a man (my uncle) who abused me. A mother is supposed to be a protector, but she did nothing. She still corresponded with him until he pre deceased her! I had to provide care for her when I moved in with her from out of state.
Please accept my condolences for your loss.

Dad died 4 months ago. His wife/my mom was not allowed to go home after the last hospital stay. She came to my house. He died 5 months after she left, the police found him. As my friends say, "the other shoe has dropped" "hard nut to crack" or I say, " The world is a better place." I am now stuck taking care of the neglected house, finances and my Mom. Who never protected me from him. To say I have issues with her is an understatement but as the only child, what else do you do.

I also did not have any relationship with my mother. By the age of 13 I figured out that she had numerous emotional and medical problems, and had been physically abusive to me for years. Many tears were shed until I realized it was her problem. However, the void was always there with her , but not with my father. In my twenties, with 2 small children, the emotional pain was mostly gone due to my children, They can keep a person very busy! She died some years ago and my first reaction for 2 years was "since she was unhappy in life, I hoped she finally stopped being the way she was". My relief expressed itself in that idea. My husband and I lived states away so there were no Sundays dinners like my husband had with his family. I am now 76+ and I mildly regret that she and I could never have even a first step in a relationship. Over the decades I have met and been friends with lots of women so those relationship were there for me.

Your grief will go through different stages as you become more comfortable with her passing. Other suggestions here about how they lived through their parental passings may be what you experience and they are fine. She held the position of being your mother, bad as it was, but you gained knowledge in how to have relationships with other people(not her way). Best wished as you live thru this time.

Please accept my condolences for your loss.

Anonymous1

There have been so many good answers here. They've helped me as I am going through the same thing right now. My abusive Dad died in June. I was with him for the last two weeks. In his mid-90s, he still raged against death and did not go gentle into that good night. He was on hospice, but the medications didn't seem to work that much. For the last nine hours, he needed comforting and his hand held about every two minutes. My son was there with me, and my brother for a few hours, but it was exhausting. I am still haunted by that night. My Mom was so quiet when she died. As she was in life, sweet and gentle, asking for nothing for herself.

I was the child who was always wrong about everything and about all my choices in life. In the later years, my Dad badmouthed me to many people. I have been having a recurring nightmare. My dream is my father in his coffin in the funeral home during the service, In the dream, he sits straight up and turns to look at me and yells "Look at what you did! I am not dead, and you put me here. You never could do anything right."

I have not shed a tear. I am in more of a "just keep going" state. There's so much to do, a houseful of stuff now being auctioned, 20 boxes of family photos, so far, two dumpsters full of trash, an estate to manage that's not uncomplicated. Luckily, I have a great paralegal/lawyer team from another city who is helping me with that. I just couldn't work with someone in this community. It would be too much.

But on top of it all, my Dad was a pillar of the community, and the acting job I am doing is getting exhausting. Especially surrounded by all the detritus of life and well-meaning people who knew only his good side. My Dad improved and saved thousands of lives in his career. But a family man, he was not. My brother and I, nonetheless, honored his legacy, arranged a nice funeral, and listen to the praise with respect and understanding.

I don't know what is going to happen when I finally head home in a couple of weeks. If I mourn, it will only be for what never was. And how long it took to finally be over. My Dad would have died 21 years ago if not for advanced medical technology. Last night, someone offered condolences and praise, and I just couldn't put on the appropriate face, say the appropriate thing. To heal, I need to get back to my home, my friends, my routine, and probably try to get some therapy. I wish you all the best and much support. This is not easy at all.

Anonymous1

There have been so many good answers here. They've helped me as I am going through the same thing right now. My abusive Dad died in June. I was with him for the last two weeks. In his mid-90s, he still raged against death and did not go gentle into that good night. He was on hospice, but the medications didn't seem to work that much. For the last nine hours, he needed comforting and his hand held about every two minutes. My son was there with me, and my brother for a few hours, but it was exhausting. I am still haunted by that night. My Mom was so quiet when she died. As she was in life, sweet and gentle, asking for nothing for herself.

I was the child who was always wrong about everything and about all my choices in life. In the later years, my Dad badmouthed me to many people. I have been having a recurring nightmare. My dream is my father in his coffin in the funeral home during the service, In the dream, he sits straight up and turns to look at me and yells "Look at what you did! I am not dead, and you put me here. You never could do anything right."

I have not shed a tear. I am in more of a "just keep going" state. There's so much to do, a houseful of stuff now being auctioned, 20 boxes of family photos, so far, two dumpsters full of trash, an estate to manage that's not uncomplicated. Luckily, I have a great paralegal/lawyer team from another city who is helping me with that. I just couldn't work with someone in this community. It would be too much.

But on top of it all, my Dad was a pillar of the community, and the acting job I am doing is getting exhausting. Especially surrounded by all the detritus of life and well-meaning people who knew only his good side. My Dad improved and saved thousands of lives in his career. But a family man, he was not. My brother and I, nonetheless, honored his legacy, arranged a nice funeral, and listen to the praise with respect and understanding.

I don't know what is going to happen when I finally head home in a couple of weeks. If I mourn, it will only be for what never was. And how long it took to finally be over. My Dad would have died 21 years ago if not for advanced medical technology. Last night, someone offered condolences and praise, and I just couldn't put on the appropriate face, say the appropriate thing. To heal, I need to get back to my home, my friends, my routine, and probably try to get some therapy. I wish you all the best and much support. This is not easy at all.

its always sad when someone passes from something like dementia or whatever. in your case, i think you are grieving the loss of a parent "you wished you had", its the loss of compassion, love, understanding, etc that apparently you never had growing up. sometimes we have to give ourselves the things we wished we could have but whomever can't give it to you. I have not had this experience though. I can't say that i grew up in a family where we gave kisses/hugs like some families, but i knew that i was loved, cared for, etc., just not the physical showing. I wish you luck and hope you can find peace in your life.

My condolences to you on your loss.

My family life was different from yours in that I had caring, loving though dysfunctional parents/family life.

My mother's mother was the most loveable woman, however after her hip was broken she gave up and was taken over by what I though was dementia - a nurse recently told me it was probably delirium. I pre-grieved her death. I watch this vibrant old woman as she shrunk and became a shell of herself - I was relieved when she died to be released from her shell into her new self.

It was the same way with my father. Now while he cared and loved us, he had his emotional problems. Nevertheless I did love him even though at times I found him sometimes hard to like. At 91 he was diagnosed with heart problems including Congestive Heart Failure. He was already experiencing mixed dementia, though his mind had not yet turned to custard. After coming home from rehab, he decided to take no more active treatments and went on hospice. The truth is he was tired of living and had been praying for death since around 89. I was sorry that my dad no longer felt useful and tired. Here too I grieved his decline and emotional pain. After the initial shock that he died, I only felt the grief for a couple of days - again I was relieved that he was freed from his earthly bonds and experiencing a new life where maybe again he feels useful.

Now, if my mom age 88, who is in relatively good health would drop dead tonight, I'd be devastated and unprepared even though I'd know she was facing better than what she has today.

Just because you don't grieve in a prescribed way doesn't mean you haven't loved that person.

However you are grieving is how you need to grieve. There's the grieving you did before she was gone, and there's a finality to actually knowing she is now gone. It's sort of like... giving up all hope of having had a better past. Someone said this to a friend of mine once.. May seem strange, but it brought her comfort: "Welcome to your newfound freedom."
I sometimes wonder if I'll grieve the fact that my mom never allowed herself happiness in her own life and if that will be a source of tears.

Yes I was never very close to my dad. I took care of him in my home the last year of his life due to dementia. He and my mom divorced when I was a toddler because he was a narcissist and had a very bad temper. I was always sort of afraid to set him off in my growing up years but I do know he loved me. He was just not cut out to be a husband and father. During the time I cared for him he was very appreciative and we sort of bonded in a way we hadn’t before, so for me it was a time of closure and I have no regrets even though it was very hard work caring for him. When he died it was much different than when I lost my mother or my husband. I didn’t boo boo a lot right after. I do think I have mourned more for the “what might have been” than for what actually was. It will be 2 years this Christmas and I think I’m still working it all out. I had been through previous grief counseling and did GriefShare as well, so I have come to learn that grief is expressed in many different ways depending on the situation.

This is profound. Thank you for sharing your feelings and experience with us here.

While I believe your feelings are not unusual, what may be unusual is being so honest about how you are feeling now.

It is understandable that you would feel a kind of "grieving bewilderment" or certainly very complex, confused, mixed feelings. You lost a mother who was never really there for you. And yet, she was your mother.

* I suggest that you allow whatever you feel (or don't feel) to go through you without 'too much' analysis.
- Let the feelings flow.
- Feelings during grief change

* EVERYONE's GRIEF experience is unique to them.
- Don't expect yourself to fit into anyone's mold of what grief means or how 'it should' be experienced. There are 'no should' in grieving.

* I did have a similar experience when my dad passed away. I like to write (even then, over 45 years ago) so wrote the memorial reading. As he was a sea captain, we had a service with the Neptune Society. It was just my mom and sister and I - the immediate family. I might have cried one time in the first four days, I don't even remember.

*. I don't want this post to be about me - I share out of a similar experience with a parent who was not there to support me (I was often terrified of him) -
- and it is important (as a way of healing) to realize that he didn't know how to be supportive or really 'a dad'.
- Perhaps your mother didn't know how to either. I can't remember one time he gave me a hug or said he loved me.

* I truly appreciate you for sharing how you feel. Even feeling numb is feeling something if we feel through it. It might feel like emotional protection around your heart. A defense mechanism to feel safe.

* Perhaps writing is a vehicle for you to get out whatever is going on inside now - ?

* When my mom died (almost 25 years ago), I enrolled in two different grief groups (one for general loss, one for losing our mother). In hindsight, I feel the group experience(s) were a shield or focus 'in the way' of feeling, although I did not realize that at the time.
- We do what we can and feel is right 'for us' in the moment.

* Trust your intuition and whatever you feel and perhaps forget the label 'grief.'
- The grief may come out in feeling anger. You likely have decades of anger built up from the life you missed. (I surely know I missed out a lot due to minimal - no support and grieve for the person I could have been).

* All your feelings are valid and allow yourself to acknowledge and respect them.

* Do not judge how you feel, just feel it. Catch yourself when you start to judge yourself and reframe your thought(s).

Hugs to you,
Gena / Touch Matters

I understand perfectly and you are so normal. You are crying for the loss of what you never had in your life's relationship with her, the sadness of it all - when it could have been so much better while she was alive. It is hitting you - the relationship and its problems. And you are sad at her passing and you never having had the chance to love and be loved as it should have been. It is now done and over. Be kind to yourself - let her rest in peace and you go on and live your life the way you want it to be - and don't wait.

Sorry for your loss. I had a love/hate relationship with my parents and they are both gone now. I personally have survivors guilt after my mom died because she believed my lousy childhood was some sort of blessing. My mom had such a strong survival instinct that she thought that I should have been more appreciative for my difficult childhood. My parents loved to guilt me into doing what they wanted (common with abusive parents). But still, as reality takes over it becomes clear that we are next. I am sorry to say this but it feels like we avoid the reality for far too long and as children we wait until we lose our parents to realize that life is truly short. To be brutally honest, we are next up to the plate.

You grieve your parent. Not how good a parent she was or wasn't. A parent. She was your way into this world. A piece of you is gone.

I get your vibe. I’m presuming you are a decent, “normal” person and the loss of a parent deserves grief. You hear of and see on tv people experiencing profound agony at the loss of a parent and it seems we should be in that club as well. Only we aren’t. We also wonder if our loved ones will grieve our passing the way it “should” be. I like some of the comments above: maybe you’ve already gone through the stages of grief through your life with them; maybe you’re grieving at what could’ve been; and, however you grieve is right, because those are your feelings.
A friend told someone close to me that they felt bad for not doing more for after attending my parents funeral. They were told to not worry because the parent wasn’t all that great and I was fine. I share this because I don’t know if this is how you feel but when I heard this story it made me well, I’m not sure - ill, disgusted, disappointed, well, at the least, I have a lower opinion of both of them. Why? Because life is valuable and precious whether or not it was lived like we think it could’ve or should’ve been lived. Grieve however you wish. It will be just fine.

I appreciate all the supportive comments. Thank you. I think I am basically done grieving now. Actually I began forgetting it ever happened quite a while back.

I think I had already been through a grieving process. In fact, one of several years, probably starting from about the age of 10, grieving the absence of a parent and its been repeated over time. And then with the onset of severe alzheimers again a couple of years ago.

So I think II have become accustomed to not having a parent really there. The loss was already long gone. So there wasnt really much to lose. So, in many ways I think my grieving process was much easier than people who have a functional relationship with their parent who dies.

All I lost in recent times was the form of a parent, rather than one of substance. A parent who still existed but wasnt REALLY a parent there for me. Not for a very long time.

There wasnt anything left to grieve for or lose other than the notion of a biological parent who existed. So, I think it was actually quite an easy grieving process to be honest. Certainly much easier than it appeared to have been for a friend who lost their parent not long ago with whom there was a strong positive relationship.