My mother finally passed about 4 days ago.
It was quite a relief that she finally passed. It is awful to see anyone suffering in that way towards the end. Most of the time she was drugged up and probably not suffering. But occasionally it was the breathing problems she would experience.
I was relieved that she passed finally after having such a low quality of life for a long time.
I was not sure how my grief experience would be. Surprisingly, I have shed a few tears in a spontaneous uncontrolled way which I never expected. I'm not sure if I am grieving at her loss, or the loss of a parent I should have had or just at the general sadness of the situation.
I spoke briefly at the funeral. I shed a lot of tears trying to prepare what I was going to say but managed to hold it together when I spoke. I think it was all the trial runs I did in private that neutralised the emotion of it.
It is a strange kind of grief. I don't feel like I have lost anything as such. Nothing in a practical sense. My mother was never a source of support in my life. So, there was already a void there, There was not really much of a relationship there as such. I do think, what have I really lost? There hasn't been anything there for me for the last 30 years. For a very long time prior to the dementia. For the vast majority if my life. So, its somewhat of a nothing. But still, I think I am experiencing some kind of grief. Maybe its just the bringing up of negative past memories in my mind,. Or it might just be the loss of a parent brings up grief even if there was no relationship there.
I do think though that I will probably have gotten over the grief within a few days. And more or less have forgotten about it. Nothing has really changed in my life in practical terms.
Has anyone else experienced grief of someone you had a bad relationship with? A parent in particular? How was it for you?
Death is sad no matter who died.
Your sadness is just due to the fact there was really nothing of a relationship before and that you probably feel sad that it was like that and now you have to accept there will never be one
Four days ago is not long. I woukd expect some conflicted and complicated feelings to surface in the coming months. Best to sit with them and allow them to resolve with time.
I don't know how or if you conceive of an afterlife or eternal life but one aspect of that for me is the possibility of being freed from my character flaws, blind spots, and earthly limitations and coming to a place of greater understanding. I find a great deal of comfort in that.
I don’t regret never seeing her again. I was relieved when she died and I don’t miss her. You can’t miss what you never had. You feel how you feel. We all have different relationships with our mothers.
SO MANY bad memories and trauma with her--I cried enough as a child/teen/young adult that I don't think I have any tears left. I will have to speak at her funeral, if she ever passes, and I bet I don't shed a single tear.
If that sounds cold, well, maybe I am. Mostly I am so tired of the drama and infighting she's created and the favoritism she's shown the other sibs over me--and the neglect of working on a relationship with me.
I think I always thought I had forever to figure out how to treat her--but she's getting more dotty as the days pass and the little I see her--it's not pleasant and 'fun' it's sheer duty.
I went through cancer and she never once called me, nor sent a card, nor inquired of my sibs if I was OK. (I wasn't, nobody is during chemo!) and it would have been nice to get a card once in 16 months. That kind of cemented my belief that she didn't care much for me.
LOTS of therapy has passed by and I have come to understand that you cannot MAKE someone love you, or even care about you.
You've had a loss, to be sure. But most of the loss occurred before mom died. THAT I regret, as time passes. Mom is too 'out of it' to really talk to anymore and I have no desire to try to connect with her.
I don't have the desire or energy to try to figure her out. Too much pain has passed and I am tired.
Of course there are societal expectations of how we should feel/act. Don't let those get to you--grief is very personal. And everyone shows it in different ways.
Fate, being a fickle b*,tch, left it to me to care for my mom after she had a stroke. No help from either sister.
I took care of her, not out of love, but because of responsibility. I cried a couple of times after she died, but in all honesty, mostly from relief, thinking now I have my life back.
Strangely, I have occasional nightmares, where mom and my sisters are doing something and they won't let me join in. Or they abandon me in a scary place.
Give yourself lots of time to process.
There is no right way or wrong way to grieve the loss of a parent. We all have to honor how we feel and think in the moment.
I never had the closest relationship with my father. I tried to do what I could to make him comfortable and happy but it never seemed to be enough. I never got the words I wanted from him. His passing knocked me down and I was the rawest I've ever been in my life. It's been almost 5 years and there are still days I wish things could have been different. Knowing I didn't fix things before his passing is very hard.
I am not a hateful person, but actually quite the opposite, but after enduring years of sexual abuse by my father, and my mother doing nothing to protect me, I, after forgiving them many years later, found myself with no feelings towards them what so ever. So when they died, it was almost like they were strangers to me, which made it easier for me.
I am sorry for your loss, and however you choose to deal with it, is up to you. Just don't be in denial.
That is quite similar for me. It feels a bit more than a stranger for me. But more like a distant acquaintance, who I have never forgiven for the past.
I felt very sad that my dad died. I mourned that there would never be a chance for the relationship to be healthy. All hope was gone, because with breath there is hope for change and that was what I feel like I lost when he died.
Yes, I have experienced the exact same thing. I mourned the loss of my mama while she was still alive. Her mind had been "gone" for sooo long. I learned early-on during caregiving for her that I was "grieving the loss of the mother I never had." There is a lot more, but I'll stop here.
I wish you well.
Sorry for your loss.