My mom passed away on January 30th. She was 101 years old. I am very much aware that she lived a long, good life. She passed away in her sleep. She was pretty much full of life up until the week she died. (She had a stroke a few years ago that greatly limited her mobility) but aside from getting confused from time to time, her mind was still good. The problem is I miss her a lot. A lot of people are unsympathetic towards me just because she was 101. Am I wrong for missing her?
Most certainly, absolutely NOT.
Sympathies to you in your recent loss.
A loved one is a loved one. It doesn't matter how long we have with them or how old they were, it is the love and bond with them that matters. Even those who haven't had a great or long relationship with a LO can still feel the loss and miss the LO. Those who are unsympathetic may think passing it off nonchalantly because of her age is helpful, but they just don't get it. (Based on your screen name, you have cats? I get similar crap from people when I have lost one - esp those who dismiss it because it is "just a cat".)
In your case, you had both a long run with mom, but a good one too, so it would certainly be understandable that your grief will be great or greater than others and take more time to heal. It is even more so because she was "full of life" almost to the end! On top of that, it was only a matter of weeks since the loss? Sometimes stupidity knows no bounds! Ignore them, or avoid them, whatever works best for you.
Take all the time and reflection you need. Every person is different and deals with loss differently. Dismiss what the clueless have to say to you - don't let their ignorance influence you!
So long as your grief doesn't become self-destructive, allow it to follow it's course. It may never go away totally, which is fine and to be expected - we can't just wipe memories away - they will always be with us! Hopefully though the rawness will wear down some, but give it time. Focus on the good memories (with that length of time, you should have MANY to choose from!) and be ever so thankful for all the time you did get to share with your mother!
Oh so true! The same people say stupid or insensitive things to people who lose a child or has experienced a miscarriage.
We all go through losses but are happy they're not suffering or in pain anymore.
I understand that you've been very caring and those around you doesn't matter, it's you and what you've done! I've got a 86 years young mom(not really, dementia?) and seeing yours through 101 is unbelievable! You don't need to be recognized by anyone but yourself! That's a very long time to be together, I know there's a void nobody will understand, only you can.
Be at peace knowing you had many years together.
Being so connected, you need to ignore the bad and move on, that's what Moms want. Love unconditionally is something you're feeling right now. It doesn't have to leave you now they passed. You keep it and don't accept bad vibes. Separation is very hard,we do it young and old. We manage and luckily you were there for her. Feel blessed you had all that precious time. I know you have a bond but it's time for you to go on. She wants that for you! She's so there in everything you do, just not there, in spirit. Feel it and don't listen to negative vibes.
You need to feel relieved not hurt. You don't need recognition, mom gave it!
Even the DR said let her die.
Unfortunately, that’s the way people feel about older people. I do not understand it myself.
Catlady,
I hope you read all of these. There are many wise words and quite a few gems.
The ones who DO understand are more true friends than the ones trying to shame you.
It is a perfect human nature trait to miss anyone so badly...who werta big part of our life
Age is not the issue imho
Of course you miss her
Your grieving
And that too is perfect normal human behaviour
I know! Been there
For cold comfort at this stage to you
It does get better with time
Remember the fond memories and the laughs and celebrate her life
Big hugs.
Music touches my heart and soul the same way. Music triggers many memories for me.
Miles from Nowhere was my deceased brother’s favorite Cat Stephen’s song. I cry when I hear it. YouTube it and listen to the lyrics. They suited my brother to a T!
After medical discharge from USAF after 9 years. I moved in with mom in 2000. Dad died in 99 so she was alone. He was a alcoholic and abusive to her.
It was such a thrill to see mom
blossom and grow. She had 13 children but I alone did it all.
No help from family members except for occasional visits and meals. Mom was 88. She lived, she loved, and she died. I'm a better man for the privilege of being there. Isn't that what life is all about.
We traveled allot.
We partied allot.
We cried allot.
We loved each other lots.
I LOVE YOU MOM
P.S
Thankyou for also letting share.
Johnny
You will always miss your mother, but eventually more of your memories will be the happy ones instead of the current devastating emotions. Do not push these sad feelings away. They are an important part of grieving.
I lost a little friend almost 60 years ago. My mother was friends with this child's mother. You can imagine the horribleness of losing a 6 yo!! 2 weeks after she died, they played a hymn in church that we kids had sung at Pam's funeral. Her mom got up, just wailing in pain and grief and I distinctly MY mother saying "Oh, for the love of pete, she needs to get over this!" I NEVER looked at my mother the same way again.
You grieve as much and as deeply as you need to. Time will salve the wounds and people who are thoughtless and stupid--ignore them.
I found, after my sweet dad died, that going to the cemetery and sitting on his grave and talking to him helped me process the loss. Of course, he wasn't 'there' but it was and is a sacred place to me.
She lived a life for 101 years, God Bless her, all the more reason to grieve her. You can never be wrong to grieve a parent, relative or friend. People sometimes can just be insensitive. When you come across this type of person, be the better person, take a very deep breathe and move on. It would be real nice to tell that person where to go...but it’s not worth it.
My mom is 83 years old, she has had multiple strokes that lead to Vascular Dementia and she is very much full of life, we are super close in every way and I would be devastated if I lost her.
I don’t want to tell you “that time heals all wounds” because it doesn’t. She’s your mom, cry it out, think about her, remember her and that she is with you, be glad you were apart of her long life, not all children can say that.
At any rate, regarding how one should grieve, I would say the slogan used by the Outback restaurant chain just about sums it up: "NO RULES, JUST RIGHT"!
Love the slogan too!