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I am so grossed out by my husband's elderly aunt that lives with us- her flaky skin and her hair in her bathroom she stares at us all the time it's uncomfortable and I can't watch her eat because she sticks her tongue out so far before she takes a bite - We don't share food because she fingers it - does anyone else have this issue? I thought I read a discussion about this!

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As my grandmom got older i did notice that she stuck her tongue out when putting food into her mouth. I just choked it up to old age. She lived until she was 95. Could she be stairing because she can't hear too well? Maybe she just enjoys being involved. After a nice shower perhaps you could help her use some cream on her hands and legs. I know if I missed one day of creaming up my moms legs, the skin would be all flaky. As we get older it is hard to reach our legs. You could always help with the creaming with gloves on, this may not make it so bad for you. I had an uncle that i helped as he got older. Only child, never married. After helping him i came to realize that he was so appreciative of the human touch, something that some of us take for granted, it was heartbreaking. He didn't like looking a mess but just needed some help. He would come to my house for holidays and would just sit and watch everyone. I think he was just so happy to not be by himself for the day he was content just watching.
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Yes, I have a hard time with my mental reactions to my Mom's growing older. When my Dad died and I became her main source of everything, I had to tell her nicely but firmly that I was not comfortable with her walking around without any clothes on. I also told her and a sibling that my limits are I will not change her pullups or help her bathe. Just too much for me. Also her voice getting more and more gratey gets on my nerves. My counsellor says old people's throats close up and the vocal chords age so their voices change. Very annoying. I try to focus on other things, do things to make myself happy, and try to stay busy. Yes, being around people as they age can be uncomfortable.
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I agree, elderly people get very dry flaky skin and it has to be moisturized. She probably won;t do it herself, so someone else might have to. I use aveeno for my mom, she likes the smell. Older people have disgusting eating habits and there is nothing you can do unfortunately. I have to keep wiping my mothers mouth when I visit, the food will just sit there if i don't. Most of the patients there state, I don't think they realize they are doing it. Some will stare at me, some stare into space. They really aren't there. Their eyes are vacant, I can wave my hand in front of their face, and they won't react.
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You're a saint to take care of an elderly aunt of your husbands. Being grossed out is normal. That one of the main reasons being a caregiver is so stressful. To tell you the truth, it all grossed me out. I hired people to come in for the things that really, really made me uncomfortable. Empathy is the best tool in your bucket. Laughter helps, if I didn't laugh, I would have been crying all the time, while caring for my mom and brother who both died this past year. None of it was pretty, but I muddled through it day by day and I'm a far better person for it now.
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This past year, my mom arrested and had a stroke. This has left her with short term memory and is unstable on her feet. We put her into a retirement home. I too noticed that my mom's skin was dry and flaky. I bought her some facial cream and when I visit, I put the facial cream on her. When applying the cream, I looked back at all the years my mom had cared for me and felt blessed that I was able to care for her. It is quite a change when your parents, and loved ones get older. They were once able to take care of themselves and maybe even boasted on how good they took care of themselves. The simple truth is that they just can't take care of themselves like they use to and need additional care from loved ones and care givers. Consider it a blessing, as there are so many people that have lost loved ones early in life.
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I understa d being grossed out I an a lot with my own husband that has alzheumers and was when I had to change my uncle's diapers and had to scrape dried food off the sink from mom rinsing her teeth out after eating. But it a d more happens and if we don't do it thinggs will get grossly worse. I don't even want to get old because I too will most likely be gross to younger people but what can we or they or humans do? That is life andi if you are so grossed out you can't help an elder maybe you should start praying that you will have someone with enough mercy to help you when you get there. Life is not always pretty. I personally want to jump from ok looking to dead. I do not want to live to be a hundred or one day longer than my beloved husband.
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In my book, “What to Do about Mama?” (WTDAM pp. 13-14), I stated that during a family meeting my sister-in-law expressed strongly that I should touch her mother more. She expected and suggested that I do more hand-holding and hugging. I could see that my very frank and harsh reply shocked her. “I have no desire to touch your mother in that way, and at times I can hardly even stand to see, smell, or hear her around me.” I couldn’t believe the sound of my own words, which were much worse than their actual meaning—that there was no getting away from her mother’s presence, even when she was visiting someone else.

I suspect that your feelings of being “grossed out” might stem from a similar source—your inability to escape from an environment filled with your husband’s aunt and no longer your own.
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First, I don't like someone telling me who I should kiss and hug. My husband tried this when his Mom was in rehab. "Mom would probably like a hug from u when we leave" My family is not demonstrative. The one time I kissed Mom when she was in the hospital she asked if she was dying. I'm just not comfortable with it. Plus, husband's Mom was not my favorite person. I understand the eating thing. Mom does the weirdest things. Like putting the tarter sauce on top of the bun instead of inside.

Why do u have an aunt?

I have an aide who comes in to bathe Mom. Its a big help. I said I wasn't going to do certain things either and I'm doing them. I'm doing them.😊
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Wow. I hope and pray someone will be there to wipe your mouth and your butt when you get old and can no longer take care of yourself. Remember, your kids are watching you now and are learning how to be kind and compassionate. I hope you are modeling the kindness you are hoping to get when you are flakey, lonely, deaf and need some human touch.
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I have hated personal contact with older family members since I was a small child and did everything I could to avoid being kissed by uncles,aunts etc. I felt the same way about my mother. i am happy to hug my husband and adult children and grandchildren and even their spouses. other than that i will hug people i am fond of but not others. In a caregiving role I had no problem in hugging, holding or comforting patients and taking care of the grossest situations but could never have done it for my own mother.
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Not all elderly people have bad eating habits, however if one has medical issues or dementia this can cause a change in habits and lessen the awareness. Your aunt may not be aware of her 'bad' habits. If she hasn't been to see her doctor recently, maybe it's time for her to go. Make sure you tell her doc about the hair loss and flaky skin, it could be from a medical issue. Maybe she has a difficult time putting lotion on, you can offer to assist, Lubriderm, Aveeno, Nivea, Eucerin & Cetaphil are all good lotions. She may need some assistance with grooming such as hair washing and styling. If she has the money, or you could treat her, she can get her hair done at a salon. If she is requiring more assistance with personal care, maybe you can look into getting someone to come in to assist her. She may be more cooperative with a care provider. Make sure she has her own 'platter' of food to pick from on her side of the table, this way you can choose foods that haven't been fingered. Contact your local area agency on aging to ask about their in home programs. I think we all have things that gross us out, that's normal. You just look at ways to deal with it.
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Noteven - so just why is Auntie living with you & her nephew? Is it your home or are you living with her @ her home? Just what is the backstory on all this….like why is she not living with one of her daughters or sons? why is she not living in a facility (like AL or NH)? What level of care & oversight does she need and who is doing this? She gets SS and perhaps a retirement also, where does that $ go?

Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver for elderly, or to have an elderly parent or family member live with them, nor should they need to be. There are all sorts of social service programs - senior day programs, PACE centers, congregate housing, etc - for the elderly who live in the community and then AL & NH for those that need a higher level of care. If what she is doing now is an issue, all this is not ever going to get better or prettier as she ages and is able to do less & less for herself. What's the anticipated plan for that eventuality?
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Try adding coconut oil to her diet to help with the dry skin. I add it to my mom's "power shake each day, along with mass building chocolate power, a banana, milk, a bottle of ensure plus, and a couple of ice cubes. The coconut oil also has eliminated my mom's constipation issue. Good luck.
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If she grosses you out, don't eat with her, don't look at her, don't be in same room with her......maybe move her out of your home (why is she living with you if you can't stand her being there?). What does your husband think? Why is this woman living in your house is probably the bigger question.
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Her flaky skin can be helped by perhaps a coconut body wash, plus Eucerin's professional repair skin lotion, and argan oil hair treatment. The staring is not to offend you, her brain might be having trouble processing just who you are. Calm down. The tongue is her way of "feeling" for the food probably making sure it will get into her mouth. Again, calm down. One day you may have these habits and you will want someone caring for you to have more compassion.
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Well, I am that childless aunt who may have to rely on nieces and nephews some day for some of my physical and emotional care. I would much rather live in a AL or NH than live where I am grossing out the family and not wanted.
Perhaps auntie is as much loved as I know I am.
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We all aren't equipped with care giving talents. Like someone said, its hard to watch a parent decline. Also, being dependent on you and not making a move till u tell them what to do. I can't do needy. I have helped people but can't deal with it when they are needy. I eventually have had to help my Mom in the toilet to make sure she is clean. Never thought I'd ever do it but I am. I'm a private person so hoping I'm gone before someone has to do that for me. I have found having Mom that u can't judge someone else because they feel they can't take care of a parent. By the time our parents need us most of us are in our 60s. We aren't as strong and tier easier. Some have other responsibilities.
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wow-some of these responses.....some are just cold hearted -kseale you are right-"Remember, your kids are watching you now and are learning how to be kind and compassionate. I hope you are modeling the kindness you are hoping to get" so true!!!! I have heard "I love you" twice in my LIFE by my loved one and that was under sedation.....it makes a difference! It's hard to say "I love you" and hug and kiss someone with no response!I cry because I always wonder did she ever love me?A child starves for that and will remember it forever. So yes, now I am taking care of this person and a thank you or a love you would mean more than a billion dollars to me. We still do what we must do and there is NO ONE else to do it! I make the best of it and tell her I love her anyway, I kiss her every day.One day I will get through! If you are grossed out by hair or skin, sorry part of life, did you ever have kids or a pet?Human touch is great for the soul we starve without it, even with animal therapy your oxytocin(love) levels go way up with just 3 minutes of touch.There is a cure for the skin issue. So yes, use lotion/her favorite creams, take your time....do their hands and feet, legs and arms, give them a pedicure/manicure the small things do make a difference!Maybe she stares at you because she can feel your disdain for her....try a diffrent approach see if it changes maybe start with just holding her hand for short periods then longer periods.If not this caregiving is probably not for you and will make you resentful, if you can afford to put her in an ALF maybe that's a better idea.
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Yes, I'm grossed out and it doesn't make one less of a person. I'm caring for my husband with AD. He was always immaculate about himself; now he never showers or brushes his teeth. I can't wash his clothes, because he insists on sleeping in them. I don't have kids of my own and my husband's adult children do next to nothing for their Dad, so it falls on me. I think one expects to deal with aging parents at a certain level, which I did for both of mine. A spouse is (or was) a partner, an equal, a lover. It's tragic that this disease can make a hug something repulsive. Lash out all you want; this is how it is.
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I was grossed out a lot about a few things when my dad was ill with pancreatic cancer. After he had tgrown up on me a few times, it wasn't a big deal. Now, with my Mom, I'm doing everything and nothing grosses me out any more. I hope someone is willing to do the things I need done when the time comes. I hope homewthdad has a change of heart. I agree with kseale on this one. Once they get bathed, lather them down with some nice lorion. This should help.
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I'm glad to hear that other's have had this problem too. Isn't it funny that we took care of our babies with all kind of 'icky' stuff, but it just seems different when it is an elderly person. I, too, would look back at my Mom taking care of all the 'icky' with me when i was young. (It still seemed icky though)
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And the grossing out continues-my mom had lost her olfactory sense, which meant I kept wiping up the bathroom floor when I had to live out of state with her. She refused to move in with us here in Maryland (hubby and I). And no, it was not urine I was wiping up! Talk about super gross! She was using a walker and was waiting too long to use the toilet, so it landed on the floor! Also, she had a shower seat in the shower stall and one time she used it as a toilet! And didn't even know it!
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You are living my nightmare!! In fact I'm getting my own fridge for my bedroom so she can not drink out of bottles and eat food with her nasty nails. I feel so bad to say all this but it's nervous breakdown for me. The staring is another issue! All she does is watch me all day long. I feel like I have my own TV show sometimes. Well it does't seem like it is going to get any better. I'm sad for all of us that are going though this.
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In taking care of my husband who has AZ, I have to handle some gross situation. I found that an inexpensive box of latex gloves solved my toughest problems. Dribble or smears all over & around the toilet...spray bottle of disinfectant in one hand and a glove on the other, I can use paper towels to clean up anything. I never say anything derogatory to him about it....just wait until he's moved away & clean it up. When he was his (old) self, he would have been so mortified, he probably have killed himself. But now he doesn't even realize the messes he's made, so why make a fuss. I've only been at this for about 18 months. So who knows what I'll be feeling or doing after a while. I also have a strong faith that right now I am where God wants me to be.
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I have never been able to stand touching my mother or to be touched by her. Ever. This sounds goofy but it's like we have opposite magnetism or something. Mom was of the school of parenting where one did not hold the baby (me) to sooth and comfort it. She believed in "cry it out alone". (Which I learned in therapy was the root cause of my fear of flying.) She always referred to me as "it", even to my face. There was very little sincere affection growing up. As an adult, she told me that I had never done anything she could be proud of. There was a lot of emotional and verbal abuse, manipulation, and narcissistic-borderline personality behaviors though. A lot of spanking out of anger. So this is not the foundation of a close relationship or future caretaking.
This is how you get your entire family to walk away from you.

When she could no longer be safe alone, we moved her to our state to put her into care. When we were together, she would insist that I stand in the bathroom with her. She was always on the throne for at least half an hour and made the foulest stink. And I've been around corpses, so I'm not a wimp about that, but her bowel movements sent me over the edge. She did not need help wiping, standing, or dressing at that time. There was no reason for me to be in the toilet with her. I would NEVER expect my daughter to just stand in the bathroom while I go. She would insist on pulling on my injured arm while she sat there, and refuse my good arm, so it wasn't for balance. She knew that hurt me and didn't care. It didn't take me long to learn to say no. This was just another kind of abuse she doled out.

There was one instance in the nursing home where she wanted help in the toilet, so I went to get an aid. Mom refused the aid's help. It "had" to be me. I told the nurse that if mom didn't need her help, she certainly didn't need mine.
I refused to go in there and got a dirty look and chastised by the aid (which was not appropriate). Judge away, but I'm not going in there!

Her hairbrush grosses me out, her dirty laundry makes me want to vomit. Yes, this 100% psychological because of the past. I don't want to touch her hands because they are filthy from picking in her Depends and her nose and who knows what else. She won't let anybody clean under her nails, so that is a breeding ground for the next bubonic plague. I can't bring myself to hug her because it's dishonest on my part. This woman spent her adult life chasing family off and alienating everyone who would accidentally try to befriend her.

I am grateful every day that she can live in a memory care nursing home where other people perform the care tasks for her and it does not have to be me.
She is safe. She gets fed, bed, and meds.

Now if it were my husband or one of my kids who needed this level of care, I'd be all over it without a second thought because we don't have an abusive history with one another. There would be no question that I'd do any care task needed for them.
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wow...your husband's aunt? it's hard enough taking care of your parents let alone someone who is not even close to you. love your honesty...and I could see your point! i've been taking care of my mother and father...and as my mother got to the point that she couldn't care for herself at all...I just gradually got use to changing diapers..cleaning...whatever. I'm soooo lucky, sometimes those dirty diapers make me cringe for a moment...but once they're in the trash where I can't see them...I just go on with caring for her. My dad is a different story...I'm not as close to him...and as of yet, haven't had to clean his diapers...that will be tough I'm sure!!
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Great answer Shirleyb...GLOVES!! lol
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After caring for the two of them for almost four years, there is not much left that I do not find completely disgusting! I think it is a symptom of burnout and a couple more weeks and I am done! Hooray, the light at the end ofthe tunnel! Biggest fear is for myself.
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sandwich42plus... wow dear girl...what an experience you had with that WICKED person you call your mother! yikes...if it was me...I probably would NEVER see her again! sounds like she's still trying to abuse you and control you...thank god you don't let her...who cares what those people think because you don't take your mom to the restroom! my father is emotional abusive...but thank god...nothing like this. he is 90yrs old...and is always playing head games...saying things to manipulate and control! it's unbelievable that at this age...he is still trying to get control by negative behavior! I won't put up with it...and in the end he's just hurting himself because i will not do things for him...unless he asks me for something...or he goes without! yep... good luck to you...you deserve it!!
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So grossed out by my own Mother. She just pees in her depends, so- I spend a great deal of time cleaning up after her and making sure she stays dry all day. She hates to shower and never wants to wash her hair. Don't really want to brush her hair either. I thought I am just am defective daughter. The deal is that she can do these things, just is too depressed and gluttonous to try to do much of anything.
She's lost the will to try. Probably the saddet thing I have ever seen..
Any chat lines for us? Kinda need to talk.
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