I am so grossed out by my husband's elderly aunt that lives with us- her flaky skin and her hair in her bathroom she stares at us all the time it's uncomfortable and I can't watch her eat because she sticks her tongue out so far before she takes a bite - We don't share food because she fingers it - does anyone else have this issue? I thought I read a discussion about this!
If your loved one needs help with personal hygiene, it may be worth the cost to bring in outside help to do the bathing and changing. While mom/dad are distracted, you can gather up the laundry and do it or some other cleaning.
I question anybody who thinks changing a poopy adult diaper is no worse than changing a baby's. It's not even on the same planet. And when you have an adult who is combative during the process, well....you might need a full body hazmat suit with respirator to get through it. Ask a neighbor to meet you in the driveway to hose you down afterwards.
Being grossed out is a natural reaction and very few people aren't, so there's no sense acting like it's odd or mistaken to have a natural reaction, or pretend it's pleasant and dignified. Every person doing caregiving of any stripe or variety has to be honest with themselves about their limits.
We can drive ourselves crazy with "shoulds" and "ought to" and "what must others think". These are not the motivators of good quality care. Yes, we will all get old and die, but not everyone is cut out for caregiving. Not everyone is cut out for parenthood either, and will have children for the purpose of future caregiving.
I already expect that when I am very old I will probably be gross too. I hope that I'm not aware of it so I don't have to be embarrassed. I don't expect my kids to pretend it's not gross & unpleasant and I hope they bring in the help that's needed to do those care tasks for me to spare themselves.
The guilt of feeling these things is tremendous. I find myself increasingly disgusted by some of the habits my mother is developing, yet I've never been able to verbalize it. Shame on you for shaming the people who are simply trying to find out if their feelings of disgust are normal. I agree that we should all strive to be compassionate selfless beings in the care of our loved ones, but the reality is that we all have disgusting sounds and smells at times. None of us would be human if we pretended to enjoy the more difficult aspects of care-taking. Please keep your lofty judgements to yourselves. This is a forum for venting, not public shaming.
Kristen3 - My mom has always sucked her teeth. She would also very slowly drag her spoon around in a bowl of ice cream (or whatever) and make this mega-grating scraping noise over and over and over. It was like fingernails on a chalkboard to me for my entire life. Scrrrrrr-aaaaa-pe, scrrrrrr-aaaaaaa-pe, scrrrrrrrr-aaaa-pe.
Your mom's cough could come from any number of things: allergies, dehydration, a side effect from meds, post-nasal drip, or something far more serious. If you have a smart phone, see if you can catch a video snippet of it happening so you can show it to the doctor.
She might stop smacking if she can suck on hard candy or a lollipop.
You have to use judgment on that to know if it's a choking risk or not.
What is so wonderful is that she has raised her five children the same way I raised her and her two brothers. Two of my grandsons, ages 19 and 16, still live at home (upstairs). One is working, the other still in high school. We call the 19-year-old "The Papu Whisperer." (papu is Greek for grandpa) because he is a natural caregiver and has his papu eating out of his hand. I am first-generation Greek/American.
Every night, my 19-year-old grandson comes down to prepare his papu for bed. Both he and his 16-year-old brother have seen more than most boys their age see and have become members of a team that my daughter has organized so that my husband has the best of care, with seven caregivers who love him, care for him, and keep him clean as a whistle. Even the 16-year-old has had to deal, on occasion, with hygiene issues and never batted an eye. He did it willingly and lovingly. These grandsons of mine have their trial by fire. They will grow up into real manhood, and there will be very few things they will face in the future that will be able to compare with this heartbreak, but at the same time, a rich, wonderful experience that will carry them through remarkably no matter what else they might have to face in this life.
My daughter is my own private "Mary Poppins," I have a son-in-law, who is a prince, and two teenage grandsons who are the most loving, giving, caring young men I have ever known.
In addition, I have a son in Missouri and another an hour and a half away here in Illinois, and the one in Missouri comes up for four or five days every other month, and the younger son comes as often as his work will allow, and when they are here, they pitch in, and it's hands-on with their dad no matter what. My children, son-in-law and grandchildren love their dad/papu far too much to be "grossed out." God help those who look upon caregiving as a dirty chore rather than as the highest privilege imaginable.
I am truly blessed because I am surrounded by people who are too busy loving, caring, and giving to be "grossed out."
I wonder whether your medical insurance has a benefit whereby a "home health nurse" comes in (with no co-pay) for no more than eight hours a day and no more than thirty-five hours a week and takes completely over so that you can just do what you want to do and/or go where you wan to go, and the "home health nurse" is completely in charge. I never gave this a thought until my daughter thought I should check, which I did and lo and behold, we DO have this benefit. So I thought I'd pass this info on to you just in case.
When I have to clean the toilet, or the bathroom tiles, or the floor again after he has dropped his urinal/missed the bowl/ for the 4th time in a day; when the first thing I smell in the morning is old age home; when I haven't been able to have a dinner party for 3 years; when I cannot leave the house for longer than 30 mins at a time unless my daughter or husband is able to "babysit"; when our lives revolves around him and only him, then yes, I get resentful.
THE POINT IS: and yet, I still do it. And yet, I still put his needs ahead of my family, despite the fact that it has impacted so awfully on my family. He made no attempt to take care of his old age, expecting his family to do it... and that makes me resentful... and we have a right to feel this way. We are already invisible and unseen and unsupported by our family; don't belittle or judge our feelings as well. Don't cut off the one space we have to be "real", because you are looking after "loved ones". Many of us here are not looking after people we love, and YET WE STILL DO IT.
For those of you who are angry with those of us for being human, tired beyond beleif, resentful that we had no choice, I would like to ask you to practice just a little of your compassion for those of us who are trapped in a prison from which death is the only way out.
Of course we feel guilty. Of course, we feel that we are not nice people when we admit these feelings. But the point of this forum is to support each other not vilify those of us who acknowledge that we are failing.
Case in point: when he is in hospital I have all the patience for him in the world. Why? because then all I have to do is visit him and let him feel connected. I don't have to feed/change/wash/clean/ him. He gets a far more compassionate me when I do not have to deal with him and his energy 24/7.
Would I do this to my kids? Do I want them wiping my bum, cleaning up my feces, knowing that my kids and grandkids would feel like I do now? Not a chance. I would never move in with my kids, and will never expect them to do this for me. I am working my butt off to make sure that doesn't ever happen, so that they have choices of what to do with me when I get that old.