My mom is 90 and has advanced dementia. She is aware of who her own children are, but beyond that doesn't recognize her grandchildren etc.
My brother and his wife live 5 minutes from my mom and beside her daily PSW's is her primary care giver.
He sees her twice a day for 30 mins each time and is also the executor of her living will.
He is retired and has one grown son living with him.
I live 4 hours away from my mom and have a job, my husband has a job and we have 4 pets that are on multiple medications a day. Both are daughters also work.
I don't see my mom as often as I would like or that I can due to time restrictions and my brother guilt trips me.
When my mom was first diagnosed, I wanted her to live in a elderly home because I didn't feel that she could continue to be in her own home.
She doesn't eat much these days as the PSW don't seem to make meals for her, my brother has her over for dinner once a week but no more and he and his wife don't prepare meals for her on a daily or even weekly basis
My mom has hearing and vision issues, but my brother won't get her glasses replaced or get her a hearing aid.
She has no outside stimulation, never goes anywhere, just sits in front of a TV she can no longer see or hear.
But he guilt trips ME for not seeing her more regularly.
I want to see her more often, but the circumstances being what they are at the present moment, make it difficult.
Your brother does very little for your mother and you do nothing. Yet you are unhappy with the situation as it is.
Then change it. If your mother needs glasses and hearing aides you can pick up a phone and make appointments for her that her aide can take her to if you're unavailable.
Or you can make these appointments and see if you brother can take her.
At this point if all your mother does is sit in front of a tv that she can't see or hear, maybe it's time for you and your brother to have a sit-down in person and talk about some decisions for your mother. Like placing her in managed care now because she has as you say, advanced dementia. Or moving live-in caregivers into her home.
I mean no offense here, but from reading your post I would say that both you and your brother have to knock off the sibling rivalry and grow up. Better care arrangements need to be made by the two of you to meet your mother's care needs. So be adults about it. Get together and make some plans.
When she spent a week with me last year, we got her a hearing aid and when she got home she lost it, and my brother refused to replace it.
Certainly hubby can stay home and care for the animals if you wish to go a bit more often at this point?
But you have job and family and your circumstances are not your brother's circumstances.
He likely is feeling overwhelmed being the person who is THERE and who is consequently doing so much more caregiving. That would be called normal. But he also may be needing to look at options now for placement if the burden is too much for him. He is letting his anger at you displace what he needs now to address for his own sake, for his own life, for his own family.
I would write him a SHORT and WELL THOUGHT OUT letter.
I would start with telling him that you recognize that most of the caring for your Mom has fallen now to him due to circumstances of location and family. And that you APPRECIATE more than you can ever express to him all that he has done.
Tell him what you feel you CAN TRY to do. And tell him that you cannot do more.
Tell him that you are sorry, but that is what you and your family have decided given your own circumstances and needs at this time.
Lastly, suggest to brother that now may be the time for him and his own nuclear family to discuss when/whether it is appropriate to put Mom in care. That, if he is POA should be his choice, but you would support him in doing so.
Noma, guilt isn't appropriate here. You didn't CAUSE any of this and you can't FIX any of this. You aren't god and you aren't a Saint. The appropriate word for all this is what I call "the other G-word". That is grief. Grief at all the loss, confusion, torment for your Mom and for your family. You can cry or rage and this is worth the grieving, but the only way through this grief is a day at a time.
Your brother is making the mistake of thinking that his sibling's decisions are his to make. The mistake of thinking he can change other people, can "fix everything". He can't. This will never be fixed.
Be kind. Be gentle. Be firm. And be gentle with yourself as well.
Hi OP, these things don’t get magically fixed. Why should your brother do it? You’re not happy about it? Why don’t you help fix these problems, too?
For sure your brother, much more than you, is aware of all the problems. He can only do so much. You’re not happy? Do something about it. Help your brother. Help your mom.
DO NOT complain about what he does or doesn’t do. He’s already doing a thousand times more things than you, for your mom.
Easy first step: help hire more caregivers. Interview people.
I live 4 hours away from my mom and family and when my brother moved back to our hometown it was with the intention of caring for our mom.
Years later, he has taken on the role of main care giver because he lives so close to her. Another brother I have visits her rarely, and me being 4 hours away, I try and go see her at least once a month.
When she was here,I did get her a hearing aid which she lost when she got home and my brother refuses to replace.
Because he has authority over my mom and all her finances etc, I have absolutely no power over what he decides for our mom. I and other family members would have found a good nursing home for her,where she could participate in activities and have people her own age to socialize with but he refuses.
I had her come stay with me for a week last year and plan on doing the same this fall because at least that way I can feed her good meals and take her places that she will enjoy.
She has a PSW coming in each day but they aren't making any meals for her and all she pretty much eats is Lunchables. I read the log one of the caregivers leaves when I was last visiting with her and the comments the PSW left about her care and interactions with my brother,made me really worry.
I call her every single week and we have very long conversations and she tells me how verbally abusive my brother is being with her, how she never goes anywhere and how Iam the only one that talks to her like an adult
My other brother who lives 30 mins from my mom does nothing for her either, nor does he visit her at all.
My husband and I are considering talking to a lawyer to see if we can do anything to have her placed in a care home.
You say in the post that our mother has advanced dementia. Now, I was a caregiver for 25 years and can tell you that many times, most of the time when they're carrying on about verbal abuse and neglect and everything else, it's confabulation. Lies to instigate trouble out of boredom. Trouble-making, complaining, and fighting can be forms of entertainment for the elderly (both with and without dementia). Or they want attention. Or they want sympathy. Usually it's all of the above. I've had elderly clients call me at 3 in the morning panicking and totally hysterical because it's an "emergency". Turns out the emergency is they were out of ice cream. So really the only way to know what's going on with your mother is to see her. Talk to her aides. Offer them a few bucks extra on the side that your brother doesn't know about to tell you what's going on.
You can call APS. You can report abuse. You can petition the court in her town for conservatorship over her finances and person. You can record a phone call when she's complaining about your brother abusing her and play it for the cops. You can ask the police to do regular wellness checks on her because you're concerned. They will.
I've made several suggestions that you can try. Just because your brother controls the finances does not mean that he is the Almighty and it's his way or no way.
You have choices.
Is it possible to move mom to move into a memory care near you?
Sorry for my sarcasm. Your brother isn’t exactly going to win ‘son of the year award’ even if he is there more often than you are.
Your mom needs more care than either of you can deal with. Arrange for mom to enter a facility near one of you. If it’s near your brother, he shouldn’t guilt trip you into being there more often than you can.
If mom moves closer to you, I would hope that you wouldn’t make him feel guilty about not visiting often.
I see in your add on down below now that your brother is abusive to your Mom?
That would have been good information to have before we all became involved with answering.
You also say that you and your husband are going to an attorney now to see about placing her in care?
Are you her POA?
Because your Mom doesn't sound incompetent yet in decision making? If she doesn't wish to go into care on her own it will not likely be possible for you to place her.
Do you even have any diagnosis for her?
I think there are some carts before horses here in a way I cannot quite make out what is happening for you and for your Mom, so I am going to bow out and allow wiser minds to address some of your concerns, but I certainly do wish you the very best of luck. Take it one step at a time.
Your mother is being neglected and someone needs to make sure she is properly cared for and kept safe. Stop the finger pointing and start figuring out whether to place her in a facility or get help in.
It also hard to be the out of town, conerned from afar person.
It seems you & your brother have wildly opposing views on what is best for Mother. A care home with approproate meals & socialisation vs stay at home.
Is it possible to talk & listen to each other? Find out the *whys* behind his & your views?
Many families go through these differing viewpoints - I'm sorry I don't have an easy solution for you! Just communication!
Despite being from the same family, values can differ.
Eg: Putting the ability to stay home above everything else.. or obeying what the parent says they *want*.. avoiding a NH due to fear of NHs or of being judged by others..
Others (like me) value socialisation above location.
I know my Mother wants to stay home as long as possible. I also know she abhours being alone.
What would your Mother choose?
A woman in my neighborhood looks after pets in their homes when the owners are gone. This includes giving medicines multiple times a day if needed.
Anyone who guilt trips me, I ignore.
If paid helpers weren't cooking for my mom but were supposed to be, I wouldn't depend on a guilt-tripper brother to feed her. I'd order food delivered or have a serious conversation with the helpers.
As for mom telling you about abuse, etc., you cannot believe 100% what dementia patients say. They don't remember so they confabulate. They make up stuff. They play upon your sympathies.
Mom can't see, can't hear, can't remember and isn't eating, and no one cares enough to find solutions in order to make time to fix the situation. She needs to be in a memory care facility pronto and then you can go on living your lives unburdened (as you should, because this has gone on way too long).
Or she can continue to sit there in front of the TV and die. Then neither you nor brother have to worry about her anymore.
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