My mom has been sick for four months and I have moved in for two months to care for her. She had surgery and her muscles have pretty much died from being in bed with pain. She has started physical therapy but refuses to do the exercises on her own. She won't do them on the days the p t doesn't come. She wants me to wait on her hand and foot if I refuse she pouts and cries. She is very negative demanding and impatient I am to the point of resenting her and the guilt is overwhelming me.
You may have to do tough love with your mother. She is refusing PT and depending on you to do things for her. The trouble is that if she doesn't do things, pretty soon she won't be able to. It is the old "Use it or Lose it" principal. Anything you know she can do, tell her that she needs to do it for herself. Let her know it is for her own good. If she pouts or gets mad, stand your ground. You probably know what she can or can't do.
Do you have a job or family to get back to? If your mother decides she won't get up and do things, you may have to consider placing her in a facility where they can care for her. We do have to continue to take care of ourselves. Sometimes our parents become so self-focused that they forget that their children also need to live. This can have bad consequences, so caregivers have to make sure they are taking care of themselves. Good luck and welcome to the group.
It would be so much easier if we could tell our parents that they WILL do things and they would do them. It can be such a battle. Many times they want our help, but they want it on their own terms.
Something you might consider is having a social worker come in to access her needs. You can let her know that neither your brother nor you can help to the extent that she is presently requesting. A social worker may have some good suggestions if she knows what your mother can afford. Perhaps having a caregiver coming in for a while each day would be enough, or maybe she needs something more. If your mother is not trying, then giving up your own life to cater to her does not seem to be a good option to me. There are other options that would better meet the needs of everyone, IMO.
I hope that your brother truly just checks in on her, and doesn't try to become her hands-on caregiver.
I like JessieBelle's suggestion to get a needs assessment for your mother. A social worker can help her understand her options for getting the care she truly needs. Maybe that is something you and your brother can work together on by phone and email, after you leave.
I don't know how to tell you to shut off the guilt feelings. Those can seem to have a life of their own. But I do urge you to make sensible decisions in spite of the guilt feelings. Push those feeling way to the background.
Continue to love your mother. Be an advocate for her and try to see that she gets good care. But DO NOT think you must provide the hands-on care yourself.
Don't give into the Guilt game of the F.O.G. from the emotionally abusive person. While you can't change them, you can chose not to dance with them.
I'm disturbed by the picture that you paint of being expected to wait on your mother, even in your childhood. It sounds as though she has some serious issues. In addition to seeking a social worker to assess her situation, you might try to find a therapist to help you sort out your feelings of guilt, and help you identify your true obligation to your mom (keeping her safe arranging for her care paid for by her) as opposed to her unrealistic demands ( being waited on, supplying her with "happiness").
Are you her POA? You need to call you local Area Agency on Aging and arrange for a needs assessment. Her doctor may also have indicated to you what her needs were. Does she have the financial ability to hire in home help?
An assisted living doesn't sound like a good fit for her. They aren't at her beck and call and she will have to do for herself. She has made this bed and you don't have to lie in it with her. Get going. You can do this.
How old is your mother and what are her health problems? She must not be too old with you being young enough to have a baby on the way. Congratulations!
This is probably stupid of me to ask, but did your mother ever give you medical POA? You can still communicate privately with her doctor. I use to write my mother's neurologist when I felt that I needed to and that helped. What about durable POA?
I"m sorry that you and your husband moved in with her two years ago. Was that the only option at the time?
It sounds to me that moving out of there and getting your mother some other kind of help would be ideal.
I don't know if I should answer her or go to your thread. So, I'm going to summarize what I've learned from your thread.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/help-with-disabled-mom-with-multiple-sclerosis-178961.htm
You have been taking care of your mother since you were 18 and she's living in your house. I'll quote the rest from your thread
"2 years ago she fell and broke her leg and my life has been nothing but a nightmare. She still cant walk...she cant really do much for herself accept feed and change herself. In November I found out I was pregnant and since then there has been so much added stress on me and my husband. Her doctors wont help me...my mom doesn't want home health in the house. My mother is coming between me and my husband and the added stress of being pregnant is taking its toll on me. I dont know what to do anymore. My mother needs around the clock care...but she wont willing go into a nursing home she thinks I can handle everything and mind you my husband and I both work fulltime. I need help I really don't know what to do anymore."
It helps to know this information. About the only way that I know that you could move her would be to become her guardian, but a doctor would have to say that she is incompetent which she may not be. I hope someone has an idea how to deal with this.
I am sorry to hear this is coming between you and your husband, particularly with the upcoming birth.
Sounds like she should have gone to rehab and then to a nursing home after she fell and broke that leg.
Are you living with her or is she living with you? I"m not clear.
I hope this helps
You are burnt out and your husband is probably upset partly over this burning your out and is feeling very frustrated over not being able to do anything about your burn out, how much life is going to change with the birth of the baby, and maybe feeling like he's been second fiddle to mom which if mom stays there means he will be third fiddle once the child is born. You're never first fiddle again as a husband until the empty nest time comes around. Then you are free to be a couple once again. However, the relationship still needs work while raising children.
I wish some other people would jump in here. I don't know where everyone that is usually here is today.
Now, mom is healthy and enjoying life and being waited on hand and foot, at the NH. She will be 96 on the 30th of this month.
If your mom made no plans for her health care, later in life, that isn't your problem.
(Yes, I know it is difficult.)