He had a traumatic brain injury in Feb. and the Dr. says this is normal. But it's causing serious problems. It's ALL he talks about trying to convince me to walk around naked and have sex (never mind he's too weak to really do so). I should be grateful for the extra attention, but it just seems like something else I have to do. He's never been that sexual; he's only 65 and I'm 60. He gets so angry and confused and lashes out when I (gently) say no. Oh, and it's been 15 years since he's been interested in sex.
And he would become angry when turned down by the staff. Would threaten to tell their boss that they had mistreated him. He was one determined, demented, legless Casanova.
No one was spared, he propositioned me for a three way with my MIL. When I turned him down he threatened to report me, he hadn't recognized me for some time and thought I was one of his nurses. I told him "you do that". One does not expect their 82 yr old FIL to ask "how about you lay down in that bed with me and my wife?"
The nurses and aides thought it was all funny and let me know that the big secret of nursing homes is the elderly male patients' libidos.
I wonder if some of the men who suffer from impotence "get it back" when their dementia frees them up from worrying about it.
When I would ask if there was something that could slow him down a bit, they all laughed- I was serious.
In closing I will leave you with this. One of my dearest friends, 55, is about to celebrate two years on Thanksgiving of her husband's survival so far of glioblastoma. The docs expected him to be dead within 6 months but it has almost been two years since he had a major seizure and the diagnosis and subsequent brain surgery to remove 80% of his tumor. He used to get on her nerves sometimes because in their entire 35 year marriage he just couldn't get enough of her. She wanted, like most women, to have him listen to her more, 'just hold' her more. He now is very childlike in a lot of ways. He depends on her for so many things and he has a hard time making decisions that he used to make. He is blind and paralyzed on one side. I visited her last month and she took me around her house, which is ow on the market, because in addition to his illness, their livelihood was long before affected by the economy (he was in a construction-dependent industry) and they are being forced to file bankruptcy. I had not seen their home in years and she showed me "___'s room" and then "this is my room". She looked at me with tears welled up in her eyes. He has not even attempted to touch her in any sexual way or make love to her since his surgery. They have rediscovered a love that in a way she always wanted from him but at 55 she longs for the man who couldn't keep his hands off of her. She told me in raw honesty how much she wishes for that connection. They are now roommates who used to be husband and wife.
Since I have been home, every time my husband 'wants' me I do my best to clear my mind, humor him in some of the stuff he wants me to wear that excites him (even though I would much rather put on a flannel nightgown!) and go along for the ride. I know what I have with him could be taken from me tomorrow.
I so feel for you and for your husband. If he isn't threatening or abusive or mean, perhaps making him happy would make you happy to. God bless.
To devotedwife: Only you know your relationship with your husband enough to determine if his sudden surge of libido could be developed into a sexual relationship you could both enjoy. But, do watch his anger. Frustration can turn quickly to violence when the usual gatekeepers in the brain aren't working.
We are not speaking here simply of equal partners whose libido levels are somewhat mismatched. We are talking about a situation where one partner has had a head injury or dementia, where there is no longer an equal partnership, and where the nature of the relationship has significantly changed.
If you haven't walked down this heartbreaking path, please reserve your judgment of those of us who have.
I am glad that so many have addressed this subject today with a range of viewpoints. I wish I had found this website earlier. Husband and wife sexuality issues are tricky subjects. The more who feel free to share their thoughts, the better for everyone.
They did adjust and change my FIL's meds to work to find a balance that gave the staff some relief from his anger. He and MIL were in a small SNF with an average of 40 patients. MIL is still there. All of the staff knows and works with all the residents. My FIL did become physically violent, twice, that we know of, with the staff. I used to worry that he would wear out his welcome and we would wake up to find him dropped off on our back patio one morning. And I wouldn't have blamed them.
The persistent sexual pestering was really distressing to me, on visits I always kept my husband between us. On visits without my husband, I stayed as far away as I could. I feel a little guilty and naive, that I was bothered so much by it, that link would have helped me cope better. Knowledge is empowering.
FIL was put under hospice care due to an inoperable condition that was terminal in June. He did have one of those moments that seems miraculous - you hear about it, but don't really expect it to happen. A few days before he passed he was awake and his non-demented prior self for about 45 minutes. My husband, MIL and I were there. He told MIL how much he loved her and asked my husband what was wrong with him, he really wanted to know, he seemed perfectly lucid. Word spread through the nursing home and all the present staff came in to see him, the food service crew, everyone - it was the most touching thing, I cry when I think about it. He thanked all of them one by one, he was so very grateful and kept telling my husband "these are good people, these are good people". He had always treated them so terribly in his dementia.
The way the staff all showed up in his room to meet him and say goodbye at the same time, it was an emotionally powerful 45 minutes. I realized then that the work they do is quite inspirational and rewarding for them on an amazing plane.
Back to DevotedWife's question, please, anyone who is thinking about posting but is shy, please help someone by sharing your experience on this very delicate personal subject.
The sexual harassment felt brutal for me, but was nothing compared to the heartbreak jeannegibbs described.
you have to take it all with a grain of salt and a ton of tolerance. and physician prescribed Risperdal:) jus' sayin':)