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My mom is 81 and saw her father go through a years-long battle with dementia and pain, needing 24-hour care (in home from a non-family member). She is talking about how she would want to die before that, and has asked me about ways to kill herself. She jokingly says, "You'll smother me if that happens, right?" but then asks about painless ways to kill herself.



Right now, she's doing okay. But I understand her wish to die while she's still in control. I just don't know what to say to her.

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I completely understand what you are saying. My mom is in the last few days of her 94 year old life. She has suffered from vascular dementia, CGF, and kidney failure for over 5 years. She has a hernia bigger than a grapefruit that can’t be repaired in her condition, which is becoming painful. She is agitated and on morphine and lorazepam. It is horrible. I am also a dog person, and there isn’t a vet in the world that would allow an animal to live day after day in this condition. It is infuriating that we do this to our loved ones. My mom isn’t capable of understanding what is going on any more than a dog would. This is cruel and I hope it ends soon. I don’t have any answers, but your mom’s concerns are certainly valid.
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VSED, Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking is one way to go and is legal in all states in US.
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TeethGrinder65 Jul 2022
Thank you.
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I have discussed this with my sister.
I have a stash of pills.
I told her if I ever call her one day and ask her to come let the dogs out in the morning she will know I have taken my pills. (I can't let the dogs go unattended)
I guess my fear doing this would be that I would not actually kill myself but be in a vegetative state. I think that would be the thought that would prevent me form doing anything.
I do not live in a State where assisted suicide is legal.
If you do, if mom does this would be a valid discussion for her doctor.
There are steps that are sort of in between.
Advance directives. Filling out a POLST or whatever version you State accepts. This document is more detailed than an old DNR form.
What to say to her...
**do you understand? Tell her so.
**do you agree with what she is saying? Tell her so. If you disagree explain why but accept her point of view.
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Most Dementia's are not hereditary. ALS is. Ran thru my great Aunts and Uncles and there children. Ran thru my Aunts and Uncles. For now not my siblings or cousins but only a 3 of us have hit our 70s. Others are now in their 50s and 60s.
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Concentrate on living well, this is depressing or maybe she is depressed. According to several studies genetics play lesser role than previously established. Just because her father had dementia does not mean she will.
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TeethGrinder65 Jul 2022
Right, but the problem is if she does start with dementia, she's no longer in control. So it's almost like she has to make the decision before things get bad. She thinks it's awful that assisted suicide isn't for people who've simply lived a complete life and don't want to keep on going. I have to agree. If she were my rickety old dog who didn't wag her tail anymore or eat her food and felt listless, I'd put her down. She doesn't want to see how bad her old age gets. It's hard enough now, given the losses she's had (my father, her sister). She just wishes she'd die in her sleep, sooner rather than later.
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I have found these same people who want to kill themselves are the first to go to the doctor when they get sick.
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TeethGrinder65 Jul 2022
Not in her case. She's completely accepting that she's entering into the last phase of her life. Her biggest focus is on dying well. She's accomplished all she wants to and misses my dad and her sister tremendously. I don't think there's anything wrong with what she's asking. I think I'll be in the same mindset if I live so long.
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