My mom has often imagined events and conversations that never happened. Yesterday I took her to the dentist. She hadn't been in a couple years because of Covid. We were there for hours between filling out paperwork, x-rays and cleanings. When we came home, she thanked me for taking her to get her hair cut. I told her that she did not get her hair cut but went to the dentist. She said, "Well they cut my hair in the back a little too." I asked why a dentist would do that and she said to keep it out of her face when working on her teeth. I told her that didn't happen but she insisted it did. She also is positive that some neighbor in the independent living complex moved some things around on her porch because they thought she was stuck up. My mom is so down to earth that I know this is something she imagined. Other than these occasional imaginings and some short term memory loss, she's quite functional. Anybody experience this kind of Dementia w/a loved one? I worry how bad it could get.
These imaginings are becoming more frequent and I can't talk her out of them. I suppose I should stop trying but they are usually negative (except for the nice haircut the dentist gave her) and I don't want her to think them.
By the way, she has never been officially diagnosed with Dementia. She's a very active 102 year old who uses the computer every day.
Between the start March 2020 and April 2021, she went downhill fast. Going from reading books in 2 different foreign languages to imaging people living in her attic, hitmen coming to kill her, to strangers entering her home in the middle of the night and turning on all the lights, to her entertaining the entire CNN news anchor crew in her living room - and no amount of trying to convince her otherwise worked. On numerous occasions, she had called 911 for police (5 calls in 9 months that I was made aware of), and other times was pounding on the neighbors door at 2am! I tried every way - from trying to logic with her how these could not happen to agreeing with her. No matter which route, both created problem. Logic caused her to call me a liar; agreeing caused her to become even more paranoid and fearful.
I was in the middle of trying to figure out what facility she could move to when she fell, broke her femur, had 2 surgeries, got staph infection and passed away in 2021. I do not know how I would have continued to handle her dementia since I was the only family member. It was so frustrating because I couldn't get through to her to see and understand and no matter which tactic I tried, it didn't work or help.
The most common problem is when it is time for her to go to bed at night, she refuses because she insists that her mother is coming to pick her up (who would be 120 now if she was still living). If you tell her her mother is not living then she says well then it is her father is coming (who would be 121). If you tell her he is not living she will say well then it is her step-mother (which she never had). If you tell her she never had a step-mother, she well say well then it's "somebody."
She believes that she is just visiting the house and does not live here (she has lived here for 67 years). Sometimes she starts packing things to get ready to go. And remember it is time to go to sleep.
It is not possible to talk her out of it. But the problem is that she will wait up all night if I don't deal with it so I cannot let that happen. It is a source of stress for me just before bedtime every night as I never know how bad it will be that night.
It often happens in cycles of several weeks then subsides for days to a week or two. I have been dealing with it for many years. She is 92. It takes a toll on me because I cannot rest until she is sleeping and that means I get no sleep either.
She was diagnosed with dementia some years ago. I have gotten pretty good at handling it most of the time, but there is a certain finesse required that is hard to explain and not necessarily transferrable to another case. I have known the woman for 67 years, so I think I have a certain insight that helps.
It is mostly under control now, although some nights are worse than others and some rare nights are a living hell.
It's hard to say if it is getting "worse" because she has had this and another delusion that our dog is still living and she needs to let him in the house for about 8 years now. It goes in cycles and isn't necessarily getting worse.
I've been taking care of both of my parents for about 13 years now... my Dad died at 97 three years ago. I think I am past PTSD at whatever the next level is. But I am in this until the end no matter what. I've made it my mission.
I compare it to raising kids only worse for at least these reasons:
1. No matter how good a job you do you know it isn't going to end well.
2. Instead of getting more independent as the years go by like kids do, your parents get less independent as you age yourself and become less able to deal with it. This equation moves in the wrong direction.
3. You are not in your 20s and 30s like when you raised your kids. I am 67. My back hurts! :)
This is a logical observation rather than experiential since I have no kids of my own. If I did have them I doubt I would be doing this as I would prioritize my kids and my own family.
I want my tombstone to read that I faced the challenge and met it. I'll be satisfied with that.
you’re an incredible person :).
warm, kind, funny, sweet.
i wish everything good for you. please make sure you live your life to the fullest.
hug!!
He seems to switch back and forth between two worlds.
He believes he has been places and done things that are not real.
When he mentions some of these things and I say I don't remember, he thinks there is something wrong with me.
He vehemently denies the doctor's diagnosis of Alzheimers and says he is suing the doctors for erroneous diagnosis.
I think these are dreams of theirs,.. you know goals they had and it makes them feel better to think they achieved it and have somehow convinced themselves they did.
My mom is convinced that one of the other residents at her ALF is sneaking into her room to steal her stuff. Not only expensive stuff, mind you, but things like a valentine's card my dad gave her 50 years ago. And she knows who it is - she knows because she recognizes his fingerprints! She also used to refuse to go to the common area for meals because all the other residents whispered about her behind their hands (and with this, she demonstrates how they do it). Just recently a whole new group of ladies moved in who are much nicer and they invite her to join them instead of talking about her. According to the director, they've only gained one new lady recently and she eats in her room. She does tell me that Mom has finally started socializing with some of the other ladies.
Not too long ago, I took her to an eye appointment, but she had it stuck in her head that it was a dental appointment. I argued with her the whole way there that she was going to get her eyes checked but I hadn't won her over by the time we got there, so I decided I would just let them sort her out. After her visit was over, I asked her how her teeth looked and she reported back "No cavities and they checked my eyes and my feet too!"
I've learned through this group not to argue with her most of the time and just roll with whatever she says. Arguing agitates her and aggravates me and nothing is gained. The only exception for me is that if her delusion will erode her trust in me, I try to correct that (usually with no immediate result, but I hope that it sinks in somewhere in her subconscious). Otherwise, if we are on a grand adventure to see her (long dead) sister, then by golly - we are off to see her sister! It won't be long before she has moved on and forgotten our purpose so we can go on and go to the grocery store as I had planned. Meanwhile, she always has something to tell me about when I see her - hair appointments, visits with friends, speaking to her congressman, I never know what she's been doing while I've been living my mundane life.
What I find particularly ironic is that as a child, I often lived in a fantasy world (Heck - as a grown woman, I have a really good imagination!). My mother was always based solidly in reality so she spent a whole lot of time trying to re-orient me to a reality I really didn't care to participate in. Now that the roles are reversed, I really want to remind her of my childhood days, but I know it would do no good.
Yes, my spouse has conversations with "people" who are not there. Even hear him laughing and asking questions, sometimes in the wee hours when we are supposed to be sleeping.
On one occasion he went out the door with wallet in hand and entered a neighb's open garage door. Apparently he had told them that the "gang guys" were after him. Luckily they recognized what was happening and called the police to come check on him. (All this while I was only trying to have a poop!) TMI?😯
That was the only wandering off episode, thankfully. While in the loo, I heard him open the patio door, but of course did not realize he had walked off. By the time the police car arrived I was out there looking for him and met them out front. So they told me the location. Whew!
On another occasion, he suddenly began pushing me out of the bed, pressing against my back and sounded angry (about what I don't know, as we had been cuddling and I had dozed off). There was no sense in attempting to make sense of it and when he was somewhat calmed down I eventually went to lay down in another room.
Most of the time he is not that bad but when these things do happen it can be very sudden, with no apparent reason other than his imagination seemingly on FFW, like a reel to reel spool that has snapped and flew off the sprocket!
Guess in a way that makes me feel like the splicer/editor of this movie. Patch it and keep on keeping on.
He has also sometimes hidden his keys or wallet, misplaces his glasses, dentures, hearing aids, etc. I try to look at these times like an adult form of "Easter egg hunt". Only problem is, I never find any chocolate eggs.😐
All the best to you and yours.
If she makes a negative statement about someone else, in front of them, just shake your head (out of your Mom’s line of vision). I’m sure just about everyone has had some experience with something like this.
These are the stories you’ll remember years from now!
It was fun fixing that trainwreck. It was all over my mom's small town within hours of the publication.
I have a folder full of Mom's tales about her adventures with her new husband. He worked for NASA and was frequently on the roof of the nursing home fixing satellites, and he also was the private pilot for the Kennedy family and once flew them to the funeral of one of the great-grandchildren while carrying the dead child in his arms. (It had been born with only half a head, you know, and it gave a great gasp in Dan's arms and expired while he held onto the steering wheel with the other hand).
The only good thing about Dan the Invisible Man, as we called him, is that he never left Mom alone. During the lockdown when we weren't able to visit in person, the caregivers told us that Dan was always with her, so she weathered the loneliness better than most of the other residents.
Don't argue facts with your mom. Try to live in her world.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-method-for-dementia-calming-or-condescending-166707.htm
1. Employ Therapeutic Lying.
2. Use distraction techniques.
3. Jump into their reality.
You wonder how bad it can get? Well, it's going to get REALLY bad.
You should consider getting an official diagnosis, in case medication is needed.
By your comments, it is obvious that you have not read any of the many posts here, describing our loved-ones' hallucinations, delusions, combativeness, and other negative behaviors.
Consider joining the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group, where you can get advice, support, and have a place to vent.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/dementiacaregiversupportgroup/?ref=share
Memories are fabricated and often other people's stories become hers.
Definitely is a sign of dementia. The priority is to keep them happy and calm.
At 102 I am not surprised about the mental decline.
My sister and I often have a laugh over some of the stories. Its the best you can do. Nothing is worth correcting or arguing with them. It only gets them agitated.
Thats awesome that your mum is 102 and uses a computer! That is fair effort! My mum gave all the computer stuff for me to do in her early 70’s pre-Dementia. In fact it was probably even before that if we exclude Skype and her pre saved web pages to read news.
To her, the statements she is making may be absolutely FACT.
I love how you pieced together her belief that your dad bought all these properties - where that came from and how you asked her to tell you about them.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I keep track of it so I can tell his neurologist. In a month's time he usually talks about 15 days out of 30 days on his cellphone with no one there. Sometimes its shorter sometimes it longer days. He has cameras in his apartment that is how we know this is happening.
You just let it happen you agree with them so that you don't upset them. Prayers to you
It sounds like she is doing very well for 102. Be very grateful and try to let her age gracefully without the criticism and correcting her. It won't work.
Think about a visit to the dentist. Your head is leaning against the head supports for quite awhile. Those things press against the scalp for a long time, effectively crimping the hair that leaves it feeling like something has just been done to it.
Learn as much as you can about dementia. The book "36-Hour Day" is a great place to start as is this website.