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My mother is 91 and lives in a beautiful apartment within a senior living community. I call her daily, take her to all her appointments, do all her shopping, send surprise gifts and take her out to eat, despite her admitted hatred of my husband. She has refused our invitation to go on short trips...but then spews venom when we take our twice yearly one week vacation. I am 67 and my husband is 71, and we both had near fatal medical problems in 2018. Our children are grown and live out of town with our grandchildren. Mom is in perfect health but has arthritis and some early dementia. She feels my husband and I are at an age where we should stay home and rest like she has to! She complains that she has no friends and is lonely but makes no effort to socialize or partake in plentiful activities that are offered. She is very resentful that I remarried 13 years ago and has told me she wishes I was a widow like her! I'm at my wits end and needless to day, dread visiting and even talking to her. Have other daughters experienced this?

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ABSOLUTELY! It's in the Daughter's Handbook around chapter 578. I call it the Mother Jefferson Syndrome (Mom that plays George Jefferson's mother on The Jefferson's). You can bring downtown Miami and Dubai to your mom and it won't be enough. Trust me. It's all in the Guilt Trip catalog, chapter 982. She still has a say so in her life, but chooses to not live it. Not you though! You are the new middle age! People are still getting married in their nineties! Pay it no never-mind and enjoy your life. We don't get to live our lives AND our mother's. :)
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Cover99 Oct 2021
She was a trip.
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To everyone who replied to me....I have tears in my eyes because I am so touched by all the outpouring of support and affirmation you all gave me..it feels like a giant hug. Im sorry so many of you are also dealing with Narcissistic self absorbed mothers...maybe its that generation being raised ro keep the perfect house and keep her husband happy, and every moment resenting it? (Except my mother hated every mother of that, including the mothering part .) ) When grown daughters rebel to then achieve careers and make different choices and assert their independence it brings all the pent up jealousy? I dont know, but I,do know that my husband and I are now going to Mexico over Thanksgiving ..I will make sure she has enough groceries and then we will be on our way. Thank you !! God bless...praying for all my caregiving "sisters"....Wish I could pack you all up in our luggage and take you with!
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Thanks everyone...she has always been like this. My poor dad was handicapped, but still wanted to take a cruise and travel with her..but she was embarassed that he was in a wheelchair. Even so, he was very self sufficient and the bravest man I knew. Thank God I had one wonderful parent. Prior to his illness, we took many wonderful family trips all across the US and Canada. When I remind her of this, she conveniently " forgets" or says that she couldnt relax because she had to cook in our camper ( we ate out most of the time) I do have one brother who does nothing. When she hears about his vacations, she thinks its great that he can " take a break" ....( hes been retired ) Thank God, my best friend is also dealing with a self absorbed 91 year old mother. I wonder if it is that generation from the 50s...many of the women were totally dependent on their husbands, and hit their late years feeling resentful and jealous of their daughters who have acheived careers and are much more independent?
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2021
OMG, she was embarrassed because her husband was handicapped?

Says everything I need to know. I would tell her that you can't be with her because you are embarrassed that she is old, see how she feels. Your poor dad.
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She sounds like a spoiled little toddler demanding constant attention.

I think you are coddling her too much. She should be able to do quite a bit of what you do for her on her own, and if she can't, she needs to be in AL. You Don't need to talk to her every day either. When you do talk to her, as soon as she starts complaining, say goodbye and hang up, then don't answer calls for the rest of the day.

Ignore her calls entirely while you are on vacation, and enjoy yourself.
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No because I’m a stuck caregiver & unable to go on vacation. Her misery wants company. PLEASE GO ON VACATION!!! 🏖☀️🏊⛳️ 🍷Hugs 🤗
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tygrlly1 Oct 2021
Thank you so much..my hubby and I are going to Mexico now in November...how I wish I could pack you in my suitcase and take you with us..and am so sorry and feel so bad you are in your situation. Sending a big hug and will keep you in my prayers that you can see some light...
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Dread talking to my mom? Yes of course.
The first time, I think I was 5, she was trying to tell me that stirrup pants didn't feel weird in my shoes. She was wrong. Stirrup pants came back in the eighties and they still felt weird in my shoes.
There's been many battles, many hugs. It's my mom.
When I was a teenager, oof did I test her, she often told me 'If you can't be nice, be silent'.
Funny how things come full circle.
Now that she's an old cantankerous, feisty stinkerbell I tell her.....
If you can't be nice, be silent.
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tygrlly1 Oct 2021
Thanks so much...my mother argues that watches still need to be wound up and never need batteries.
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She is very jealous and selfish - I would do this. One single time sit her down and in no uncertain terms tell her you have every right and reason to live YOUR life as you see fit and this has nothing to do with her. Tell her you are going to live your life while you still can and she will just have to adjust as this is the way it is. Give her choices how to make new friends or otherwise get involved - tell her this is HER job to do, not yours. Let her rant and rave and be mad. So what. If she does not shut up, stop being around her and distance yourself until she stops. Be strong - steer clear of this crap.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2021
Exactly! I don't understand why people willingly lay down and let their parents wipe their feet on them.
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I could have written this, except I remarried 22 years ago and my kids are still in school.

Take the vacation. Ignore the bitching. In the end it will mean nothing.

After nearly 20 years of living here, 10 of those dependent on me, my mother now claims she has never even visited our house. She now complains that we must have prevented her from socializing because she hasn’t been places or seen people for years, forgetting our endless attempts (a few successful) to make her socialize. The more I did for her, the more abuse she heaped upon me. She is in care now, and I am finally able to enjoy life with my husband and children, without her daily dose of venom or fabricated crises. When I visit her she is actually polite.

I was widowed young and, like yours, my mother told me my remarriage and having children ruined her retirement plans. We were supposed to live together and be inseparable. She pictured herself as the elder of the Golden Girls, amongst me and my friends.

She has been assessed as having advanced dementia but I’m quite certain that isn’t an excuse for 20+ years of snarky comments.

I sacrificed time with my husband and children to try to make her happy and she recalls none of it. Sure, I know I did well caring for her as long as I did, but it is a thankless task and you will never recoup the time you have lost. My mother couldn’t care less about my physical or emotional health. She is the centre of the universe. It’s very difficult, but try to detach emotionally. I found it helped to reframe it. What would I tell my best friend if she was describing this as her situation? We are often so much nicer and forgiving to others than ourselves.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2021
Anabanana,

Yours is the best response and totally true. My mother is the same way.
She couldn't care less about me. She expects me to be her nanny-slave. I put the brakes on that plan. I'm glad you did too.
It's amazing to me that a mother wouldn't be happy for her widowed daughter who found love again and remarried. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. The world is chock full of narcissistic, needy seniors. Both of my parents among them.
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Why even tell her? I went on vacations, visited family, went to restaurants and never told my mother. We are not joined at the hip. She led her life and did not include me so why should I include her now?
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tygrlly1 Oct 2021
Thanks Frances....Going to Mexico with hubby end of November! Ill make sure she has enough groceries and bring her back some salsa. I have been praxticing not keeping her informed about our plans much more lately also. Sending a hug...
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Go on your trip. Go topless!

Let me explain... Consider what you are wearing, what is weighing you down. I think of it as a T-shirt - that your Mom gave you. It has a familiar feel, a warm snug fit & you have worn it for years & years. But it wraps you in F.O.G (fear, obligation, guilt). Fear you are not doing enough for Mom, obligation as daughter, guilt if Mom gets upset.

Take it off. Discard.

Put on a hat instead. The hat of commonsense. It says;
1. everyone has feelings
2. their feelings are valid
3. their feelings are their own

Therefore whatever Mom feels is OK.

This includes Anger (at you disobeying her command to stay out) Jealousy (of your DH) Sadness (or loneliness). Mom may choose to be or not to be Happy. SHE is responsible for HER own feelings.

Tygrlly, Mom has become *emotionally dependant* on you 100%. It happens. Especially to close Mother-Daughters. Especially if Mother has a controlling streak to her personality. Especially if dementia creeps in. Don't mull over it. Take that trip. Get some physical & mental distance. You can choose to change your response to Mom & head towards the future you need.

After your trip, come back to update if you like. Others have freed themselves from this emotional bog. There are steps out.
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tygrlly1 Oct 2021
Beatty
I love, love, love the topless and hat analogies! You are spot on. Hugs and thank you Going to Mexico with hubby ober Thanksgiving!
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