Has anyone felt like the time is coming to the end for their parent?

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Has anyone felt like the time is coming to the end for their parent?

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Background: I live with my 76 yr old mother. She has VaD and Afib along with CHF. She sleeps a lot which is pretty normal for her. However, in the last two wks she has felt really weak, dizzy, gets out of breath easier than normal, doesn't want to eat, but still drinks water and tea. She gets sweaty and feels very cold as in her skin is cold. She keeps telling me she doesn't feel good, but refuses to go to the hospital. Most of this is normal for having Afib & CHF, but she tells me she is ready to go. She is done with this life! She doesn't even try to get her cats in at night anymore.

For the last 2 nights as I sit in my living room I get the feeling like...how do I want to say this...like I am not alone, also like...her time is coming! I know I sound crazy, but I just can't shake this feeling. I am scared! Of what? I am not sure of. Has anyone felt like this before a LO passed?

Thank you in advance!

End of Life Fear of Death Grief Parents

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HI i am new to this forum-
I saw your question and wanted to answer it-
i take care of my mother shes been on Prednisone for 12 years-
I stepped into the situation to basically stop her decline-

Prednisone lowers the immune system making its effects on the body like "Aids in a Bottle"-therefore shes been 'near death' at least 20 times this year-alone...

I'm just going to get to the point- basically-i believe you are being warned that your mom has an infection, or needs fluids etc. _a basic "tune up" from the local E.R.
...elderly people usually need "a tune up" every month or two-(fluids,checking them for constipation,infections,UTIs,etc)

i get warnings and signs sometimes, i will even see a skull on someones tshirt-etc..telling me "oh i need to pay attention to this...death thing--"

If you get her in for "a tune up"--- you will prolong her life-over and over again.

As far as her saying she wants to die etc... when my mom says that to me i just say "Yeah Yeah-not today-not on my shift"
..sometimes ...its said just to get your goat-

...get some vitamin d into her-
dissolvable vitamin d is good for depression-they taste good too.

i have been pulled aside at the ICU at least 20 different times for the doctors to give me their personal "Death Speech-to the Family"-

i just nod and let them do their speech- but i already know-its always just some sort of side effect-from the Prednosone-

i had her dose lowered and shes less of a problem for the local firemen-
(i dont have to call 911 so much-)

Psychotropics are also extremely bad for seniors-
they put my mom right in the ICU- in about a week of use...

get her in for a "tune up" no guilt----as often as needed-and try to raise her immune system at home- chewable vitamin c etc..

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Shell - when my mother was really sick, close to death, about two and half years ago, everyday for several weeks, she kept telling me that my late father was standing at the foot of her bed looking at her.

One day, while I was in her room and she in bed, she told me again that my dad was there at the foot of the bed. She pointed towards that direction and told me to look. I did and didn't see anyone, and I told her so. Then a moment later, I saw him, in the mirror, walking/floating out of the room through the window.

I just froze. I was so scared for the next 2 days. My mom pulled through and recovered. She stopped mentioning seeing my dad ever since.

Your mom, being in her current condition, may have visitors from the other side, hence your feeling of not being alone in the room. It would not surprise me.

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Wow Polarbear, I would have been scare/surprise. That is crazy. I am thinking someone from the other side might be here. But spirits don't usually scare me. Something feels different!

Thank you for replying:)

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For the longest time,
I was afraid to put my mom on hospice care-because it sounds creepy-
But when i realized they can get things done at home-
& that they are trying to keep people out of the hospital-
I thought ok we'll try that approach.
You can call them, and nurses that live nearby, they show up to help You-
Your mom might agree to treatment if it's done in the comfort of her home-
They deliver drugs etc from their own pharmacy-
Just an afterthought -

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Who would argue with your mother's choice? As long as she isn't afraid and isn't in pain, and if she herself accepts that she - can't put it better - "is ready to go" then what justification could there be for forcing treatment on her?

All the same. Your mother has a diagnosis of vascular dementia as well as her other chronic disease, and it may be that how she is feeling is a direct result of a specific "event" those two weeks ago which - it's possible - could be correctable. It is worth finding out.

So in your place, I would call the EMTs. If your mother still refuses to allow them to examine her and/or rejects their advice, then so be it. But I wouldn't, myself, be happy to take on all of the responsibility in this situation.

I don't know how you usually handle this kind of thing with your mother; but again if it were me I'd tell her I'm calling them, and why, but I wouldn't ask her permission.

One further thought: it may be that your mother is approaching the end, but it may also be that a further, major event is threatening her that wouldn't necessarily kill her. I'm sorry because I know it sounds as if I'm trying to twist your arm, but that honestly isn't the point - it's just another reason why it's so important to find out what's going on.

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You do have some very go points. Unfortunately, my mother never talked to me about what is going on and this has always been the case. I have thought about calling a Dr I know to come and check her out.

I will however think about what you have said. She has been in and out of hospitals her whole life, but your right it wouldn't hurt to call the EMTs. But first I will call this Dr first and see what he says. I just don't want to force her to get Tx.

Thank you for responding.

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Shell, my mother was having this kind of slow motion decline 2 years ago. She was in a NH with good care and alert nurses. We all saw it; they checked her out and no infection or anything definitive or actionable.

About a week after this started, she was being assisted in the bathroom by a CNA who was very familiar with mom. She helped mom stand after toileting her and said "now grab the bar and I'll pull your pants up". Mom did not grab the bar. She fell and banged her head and broke her wrist.

She was taken to the hospital and fixed up, but she went into a rapid downward spiral and died about a week later.

A long winded way of saying that this may just be a decline, but be aware that the skills that you've counted on being there may suddenly not be.

And yes, I'd call in the EMTs for a look and then hospice if they dont find anything to treat, or if mom refuses.

YOU need the support of someone you can call 24/7 for advice. That's what hospice will give you.

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Shell, for one thing, separate in your mind "having her checked out" and "treatment".

I know I always quite one of mom's geriatrics docs "If you're not going to do the treatment , then don't do the test". That applies to things like bone marrow biopsies. A relatively non invasive test like a blood or urine test, or even a mobile xray? I'd go for it

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I agree. Last week Mom’s palliative doc said, Let’s not bother doing blood tests anymore, we’re not going to do anything with the info. Going to fire back; we still need to know if thyroid values or fit D for instance are out of whack.
OP, please push forth with some basic, non-invasive testing.

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Thank you everybody for your advice and for sharing your stories.

Unfortunately, my mother has enough awarness that she knows what is going on most of the time. She fades in and out.

She has had 19 surgeries, beat cancer 3x, and she was in 2 really bad trucks accidents. She has suffer GERD and Acid Reflex most of her life.

In May 2016, she was in the hospital for 3 wks, for what I do not know. She made it clear to her than Dr to not tell me any information this was before I knew and before she was Dx with VaD. When she was release she told me that she will never go back into any hospital and that she was done. And she meant it!

I really had no intention to go into this whole Medical Thing...this was more about a feeling I have been having. About feeling like someone is in a room with me when I am alone. The feeling of something is about to happen!

The last I knew my mother and anybody else has the "right to refuse Tx." No Dr or EMTs can touch her that is consider an assault. She is not incapacitated therefore again no medical personnel can touch her. However, I am having a friend of mine who is a Dr come to the house to check on her if she will let him.

There was a thread posted not long ago about when do we as adult children not make our elderly parent seek Tx. If a LO who is more competent then not, we should not and can not drag them to a hospital or make them do a Tx they do not wish for. My mother has told me many times in her clear thinking that she is done with this life. She has a DNR, she does not want a feeding tube...no extreme measures taken. I fully understand that a blood work up and a urin test are noninvasive and I will see about getting that done. I did manage to give her a IV today 100ml and my Dr friend is bring me a few more saline bags when he comes to visit, but again she has the right to refuse Tx. Maybe he can talk her into having bloodwork done.

I will not force her into anything she does not want because I know she has been in and out of the hospital my whole life.

My mother is not afraid or in any pain at this point!

She did eat 3Tbp of ice cream and had some tea on and off today.

We will see what happens.

Again thank you for your comments.

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You are doing such a good job with your mom. Mine doesn’t want to live either, doesn’t want treatments either. Just keep walking that line and hang in there, take good care of you. 💐

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I'm sure the Lord is with you: Shell38314, (that you have this foreknowledge & yet the comfort of not being alone). Not to worry...do the usual stuff for mom & don't let people trouble you to go beyond what you know is right. Will help you further if you need, just PM me.🌷

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Thank you for your support. May the Lord be with you as well.

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Oh yes, I feel like it is coming for my father: 84 years old, has a pace maker, parkinsons disease, etc. My mother is now his guardian and he's moving to assisted living. I don't think he has much longer to live. It tears me up. My thoughts and prayers go out to the OP and to others that are struggling with the same thing.

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Thank you for understanding and your reply.

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Your mother is very young relatively. CHF is the cause of her shortness of breath and with it being lungs affected she likely has left heart failure, the more severe. The first clue is not being able to lay down flat to sleep. If swelling in abd or legs, then right heart failure. She should of course see MD with ANY shortness of breath and her diuretics may need to be changed. If she is battling illness chronic and long term then depression is normal. Discuss with her MD how she feels, with her present of course. Get POA for health care papers done, perhaps for financial if you feel she will not be able to make her decisions soon. That is about the best you can do. Some of what you feel may be your wish to see her not have to deal with suffering any more. She has had a decent life and you would like peace for her at the end of it. It is hard to tell truth from our feelings when things get to this stage.

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Thank you for your reply. She won't go to her Dr much less to the hospital. I do have a Dr friend coming today to examine her if she will let him. I did give her an IV saline the other day.

I am her DPOA and have taken over her finances, however I refuse to make her go through any invasive test or treatments because she has told me many times in the past that she was done with hospitals. She has also stated that she is ready to leave this life. We, the Dr and I will see if we can at least test her for a UTI.

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The fact that you feel the end is near due to her reduced participation and enjoyment in things she used to do is logical. Scared - suspecting there will be a change in circumstances can make you feel that way after so long living with a parent.

I used to know when a loved one was close to the end - within hours - can’t explain it - just knew - however far away they were.

The presence you feel is actually quite a common experience too. They can be at any time, including before or even after a death and usually bring a kind of peace.

One time was very strange - a neighbour died as we had a coffee after a basic “computer lesson” I gave. His wife was in shock and I stayed until her son arrived. For about 3 days after, I kept smelling a pleasant smell that was reassuring every time it occurred . I suddenly realised that, whilst I’d never consciously noticed it when he was alive, it was the deceased husbands aroma and presence. Never had that with a non family member before.

Don’t worry, enjoy your time with your mum, she may improve, she might not - I treated each day as if it were the last anyway, with my parents. Main aim, outside caring, was to see how often each day I could make them laugh or at least smile.

Thinking of you,

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Thank you for sharing your experience with me. In a weird way it gives me comfort.

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My Own Mom at Home, A Year Ago: "How will I know anyone Up there?" They somehow Know when it is their Time..Be prepared, You are There, Sweet Angel, And God Bless you.

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Thank you for your response. God bless you as well!

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Not eating is a pretty strong indication she is shutting down. I do agree with a hospice assessment. But your post was more about your odd feelings. We are all given a sixth sense. Some of us are more in tune to it then others. Often we feel it and ignore it and then realize we were being guided. So welcome in the sense that you are not alone, because you aren’t. I can tell from your responses that you are a woman of faith. Take comfort that perhaps you are being visited by an Angel or perhaps someone from the past. Now I respect some on here that don’t believe in that but there are many first hand accounts of such things. I tend to be very practical about death now. Your mom has lived against a lot of odds and has her DNR in place etc. She is of the average age for death of a female. So although many live into their 90’s its not at all young for someone with the kind of health conditions she has. I would ask her doctor to approve a hospice evaluation and they can tell you what her symptoms show as far as nearing death.
Please don’t be afraid. Blessings be yours.

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Thank you for your reply and your understanding. I have had the sixth sense my whole life, but some how this feels different. She doesn't want hospice or any other Tx, however, I do have a Dr friend coming over today to examine her and see what if anything can be done. I don't even know if she will let him take a look at her. She won't even see her own Dr.

She is an old 76. She hasn't done much in years. She has always stayed in her room even before my father passed away, which he died 5 yrs ago. I think she started to give up on life yrs ago.

I know the Lord walks with me and He is here as I try to navigate through all this craziness and illness.

Thank you so much!

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If these are new symptoms get her to the hospital to rule out urinary tract infection (or something else) or stroke. These are treatable. So is depression. If she refuses there is an issue of competency due to acute disease process.

If the DOCTOR says she is going to die or condition terminal do a hospice consult.

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It could be depression. Do you check her vitals? Do you think there is a UTI? Better to be safe than sorry, take her to a doctor.

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Dealing with the "letting go" sounds like what you are facing now. It's normal. On the one hand, you don't want your LO to leave but on the other hand, you don't want them to be uncomfortable either.

For your own peace of mind, get in touch with her Primary Physician to rule out infections first. She should already have Home Healthcare and they can do a lot of the running for you. You'd never forgive yourself if it is only an infection causing her this much grief. 76 is not old. She could also be dealing with depression.

Not wanting to go to the hospital is normal. People die in the hospitals, especially seniors. And the patient often feels like no one cares about them - because, really, the nursing staff is so overworked, it's just another patient.

Call in Home Healthcare and talk with the nurse who comes out. We were most fortunate using St. Luke's Home Healthcare and they save us a lot of grief.

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You must be going thro alot .I have no advice...just care..

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While one can honor her requests for no hospital, doctors, hospice, there's no harm in bringing in the doc and/or doing simple tests - there might be some easy to take care of issue that would make her more comfortable without being invasive.

As to forcing care or such on anyone, even those with dementia are afforded their "right" of refusal. When we needed to move mom to MC (she refused to let aides come in), and she was refusing to consider moving ANYWHERE, the EC attorney told us we couldn't force her to go. Staff at MC also told me they cannot force anyone to take meds or get wound care, etc. They have to find a way to coax the person to comply.

As for hospice - I have not had experience with this, but many threads have discussed it. Hospice does NOT mean mom moves anywhere - it can be provided in home. It also doesn't mean they will poke and prod her, just provide some care and understanding and maybe some supplies. The only other benefit to hospice is that they can provide YOU with some comfort, support and understanding. Don't dismiss the idea...

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My intuition is telling me that this presence is more about you than your Mother right now.

You are far from crazy Shell! Embrace this gift..open up to it...find out more when it reveals itself again...don't be scared ...its your guardian angel or whatever you believe it is sending you positive energy. My belief is that it is really just YOU tapping into your deeper consciousness. It is power we all have but few get to experience this revelation. I am praying it comes to me someday.

It could be a friend of yours (living or passed) coming to guide you or as others have suggested a divine intervention. I feel its a confirmation of the decisions you have already made with respect to your Moms care going forward. A "thumbs up" if you will. What we all really want is to be fully understood and to know we are on the right path. I get the impression you are at peace and not as conflicted maybe?

Your Mom decided long ago how she wanted this to end. It's difficult for us as children to accept the whole aging in place with little or no medical treatment.

After reading Being Mortal I "got it." Mom would rather fall in her own kitchen and bleed out rather than lay in her own excrement in a Nursing Home.

I felt a sense of calm and peace like nothing I had ever experienced before. God (or whatever higher power you believe in) gave me no answers then...just His presence and grace.

Be still Dear Shell...wait for plan to reveal itself.

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Lucky, This is not my guardian angel! It is not a friend either...this is dark! I have had this so call gift at the age 3. However, maybe your right maybe it is more about me than my mother. I don't know. I have never felt this before.

I have accepted my mother's decision. But maybe having a hard time knowing I am alone in this world. Yes I do have my sweet heart and he is wonderful.

Thank you for saying I am not crazy and for your kind and caring words. Thank you so much!)

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Shell - can you describe the feeling of not being alone? You said it felt different. How does it feel?

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Polarbear, I just feel the presence of someone in the room with me. I have always been able to feel spirits. It started when I was 3 yrs old. Most the time I know they are there and I go on about my life. If I feel something bad then I just leave the house or building. This is different...I know it is in my living room, basement and once I felt it in my bedroom. I don't feel that it is evil but not good either...it's dark...I just can't figure it out! It is not my dad (who passed away 5 yrs ago) because I can smell him and I feel safe. This I don't...well like it is not going to hurt me. It feels like it is waiting...I can't tell if its a man or a woman. I just feel very uneasy...it's just dark! I have read the Lord's prayer out loud but it doesn't leave. I have burn sage and that's not helping. It is like nothing I have experiences in my life.

Great now I sound crazy!!!

I might as well go deeper...when I have been with LOs who pass I always feel good...sad about them dying and losing them, but I always have the feeling that they are with someone who loves them.

I don't know Polarbear...this just feels different! Dark!

Now, I know I sound crazy!!!(

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Dear Shell,
I wish I wasn't in a hurry, but I am. I just wanted to encourage you to somehow get your mother to agree to hospice. You can set it all up quietly, and she doesn't really have to be involved. These people have dealt with everything. They know what they're doing, and they know how to bring comfort to you and your mother. I've only had good experiences with Hospice.
In these last days, you're going to have so many questions and feel very much alone. I'm so glad to hear that you know the Lord and feel His strength. If your mom has a background of faith, now is the time to help her reconnect. Read Scripture to her (Psalm 23, John 11) and give her hope.
God bless you, Dear. You are not alone.
Maureen

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Hi Shell, I can share with you that both my parents shared with me that they felt the end was near about a month before each passed. Also both stopped eating and then stopped drinking as well. At the time of their passings, they were on hospice which was a great thing for not only them, but for the family as well. Did I want my folks to pass? No. Was I relieved when they did? No. However, I was glad that each parent was able to approach dying with care and dignity. Both went peacefully on their own terms when each was ready to let go. It was, and still is difficult for me. However, I am comforted by knowing that my folks seemed to know that their time on earth was coming to an end shortly before it did and that they both seemed to experience and embrace the dying process without fear. I would bring in hospice in your case. There are a lot of resources they offer that can help both your mom and you prepare for end of life on earth. Hugs to you as you go through this final stage of caretaking.

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Her cats should not ever be out of the house. Has she made arrangments for her cats care once she passes?

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Thank you for responding. I live with my mother and if something happens to her rest a sure they will have a home with me. I do try to get them in at night, but the little wits refuse to come in.😺Ugh!

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Yes, my father is in a rehab. He refuses to do PT and he definitely can not live alone anymore. We had an aide visit 4 out of 5 days in the evenings during the week. This was prior to entering the hospital due to pneumonia, then transferred to the rehab. We’re trying to get him in an assisted living community.

Even though he’s on pain meds, he refuses to do any PT. He keeps saying why is he still on this earth. It’s hard!!! He does not want to talk, all he wants to do is sleep. My brother is visiting, he tells me that daddy is declining in front of his eyes, and it’s probably true. My dad has lost his will to live, years ago when we lose our mother, more so since his bout with pneumonia and being in the rehab.

Its definitely not easy for my Siblings dealing with daily (hand-on) responsibilities. I had the opportunity to help for a period of three months, giving them a short retrieve. No one understands to hard work: physical and especially MENTAL stress that come with being a caretaker. Praying for you and your family! Please prayer for others like myself and siblings that are walking the same path.

We can stay strong as we continue to sacrifice our own personal lives and our families for the sole purpose of taking care of our elderly parent.

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I will add you to my prayers. Thank you for your reply.🙏

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Get her weight every day to see if it is heavier. It may be that her CHF is worse and she has a fluid overload. Other causes could be a UTI, imbalance in her electrolytes, depression...Take her to the doctor for a check-up and let him/her know your concerns.

Even if she is "worn out", she - and you - should be comfortable and cared for. Doctors can help with hospice if her prognosis is 6 months more or less.

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Thank you for your reply. I have an understanding how hospice works but I am not sure we are there yet. Thank you!☺

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When my mother was getting ready to pass from this life, she had people in the room that I could not see, for about 3 days. I didn't feel their presence, but I respected their being there for my mother. I hope you can derive comfort from them and if you need someone you can see, please call on someone to sit with you. You seem to be a smart, caring, intelligent soul. My ((Hugs)) go out to you.

I know when the time comes and I am done with the prodding and testing, I hope my children honor my wishes as you are honoring your mother's. tried to read all the posts but I didn't notice if you have called Hospice or not. if not, you might do that, they have given many comfort in these times.

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Mary, Thank you for sharing your experience and for your support. You understand how important it is to me to honour my mother's wishes. I did have a Dr who is a friend of mine today and he gave her some fluids. I would like to be able to have her tested for infection.

And thank you for staying on the subject! ☺

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How are you today Shell38314? It will turn out okay....🌈.

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I believe that things will turn out the way they are suppose too. I am tried but good, if that makes any sense!☺

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Shell,

Are things any better? I hope so. Hugs!

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Yes a little. My mother did eat one egg.

Thank you NHWM. Hugs back to you!

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UPDATE:

All I can say to all of you...is Thank You.
My Dr friend came today and my mother was not happy. But she did go along with another IV fluid 100ml. He said she was dehydrated. However she would not allow a blood draw. She doesn't have any weight gain but she does get out of breath easy. Her heart is not beating at a normal rhythm but it hasn't for some time now. (Afib)
After many hrs she asked me to make her one egg. This is the most she has eaten in 4 days. I will get her hydrated. The Dr will be back in a few days! I will wait and see!

He did tell her she should go to the hospital but she refuse and because she was able to answer his questions he consider that she was able to make the decision to refuse his offer.

And I can't drag her to the hospital.

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Shell: Praying for you.🌻🌻🌻🌻

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Has anyone felt like the time is coming to the end for their parent?

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