My dad is constantly asking the same questions over and over. I thought that a blackboard that says "Dinner is at 7:30" "Connie is feeding the Chickens" or other things might help. But my mom thought that it would just be in the the way.
Some days he will ask 50 times to "go home." He has lived in this house for over 30 years. So I wanted to make a sign to go above the door that is next to the TV, that says "Weaver's Home" that way when he is looking around he will see it. I planned to have it ready for Christmas, but ran into problems couldn't find the letter "A" to match all the other letters I spent weeks collecting. And I couldn't find the reclaimed wood in the right size.
Today he asked so many times, I told my mom "I am going to ride around bulk pickup to see if I can find what I need to finish the sign that I was making for daddy. I had to explain what sign, because it was supposed to be a surprise.
She doesn't like the idea. Doesn't think it will help. Doesn't want holes in her wall. Doesn't know why I didn't ask her before I went to all that trouble or spent money. Sigh.
I thought it was worth trying. It was going to have her name first. "&" His name second so that it would be right about "Home".
I would have liked to at least try.
What other commenters have said is true: once the memory goes our LO can no longer learn anything new...they are not even retaining what they already knew. A helpful strategy is to just take it one day at a time and not invest a lot of time, energy or money in "fixes" that most likely will work one day but not next week. For example: in hindsight it would have been better to just make a very cheap and temporary paper sign to see if the idea even worked in the first place.
My MIL is in LTC for short-term memory problems (and she refused to get out of bed and now she can't). We were so surprised to find out she totally forgot how to write. Not even her own name, could not even make an "X" if I drew her an example. Yet she still seems able to read. She hasn't had a stroke. Cognitive decline is so strange. You will find LOTS of helpful ideas and good moral support on this forum. Many here have all been in your shoes and have so much to share with you. Blessings!
I think when someone asks to go home it's because they don't *feel* at home. A sign to read may work, or may not. Worth a try...
But I would try to connect to the feeling instead. Tell me about Home Dad? Who lived there? Was there a garden? A porch? Sometimes reminiscing about a pleasant memory is being *home*. It's feeling comfortable, feeling happy, feeling safe.
It doesn't bother me that he asks to go home. It bothers me that he didn't feel like he belongs in his own home. That he always feels like he needs to leave. That he might be a burden on the people who live here.
That is why every time he asks i point out the things that are his. "See dad, there are your owls. That means it's Hoot's home" "Look here is the picture of you and mom and pictures of you kids and grand kids. "Remember dad you bought this house for mom, so she could have her horses, and chickens. That is where you get all the fresh eggs. You remember the chickens, right!" Because oddly he remembers the chickens. Which we never had at the other houses. He remembers his dog "Storm." My name and my husband's name have stuck back. They were gone at one point, but after we came last year he suddenly seemed to have them again. As we have been here for a year They haven't gone. Although he has bad days now and then where he doesn't remember them. Or one day he kept giving his friend's wife's name as his wife. Another he knew my mom's name, but didn't seem to recognize her. Thank God that he usually does. Because he can get angry when someone who he doesn't know tries to help him.
Sonetime he is clearly list in the past. Thinking he needs to go to work. Or that he has a fight tonight that he needs to get ready for. We try to go with the flow on those things. And sometimes even with the wanting to go home... it's a balancing act. When do you retry to sooth them and when do try to make them feel OK with being where they are.
He loves to go out to eat, but with this virus, we simply can't risk it. So sometimes my mom will load him up in the car and the will go get a frape. It seriously socks that he can't enjoy one of the biggest pleasures in his life. Dining out. I often wonder if not going out much is what makes him feel even more like he needs to go home.
I was thinking of it more as a comfort thing. That as he is looking around he would see it saying "Weaver's Home " and maybe for a minute or 2 he would feel like this is his home. Not some strange place that he has to leave.
Given his mental state I am actually shocked that he retains the ability to read. I expected it to go before he got to this stage. In many ways he is like a toddler. He can't play poker anymore, but he can still read. He does only read children's books, But he was an adult before he really learned to read at all, and he never read for pleasure. Just what he had to.
I often wonder if learning to read was such a defining moment in his life that his brain protected that knowledge.
I have no illusions that my dad is going to get better. My hope is simply to attempt to make him feel less lost. To not worry about rather he is "allowed to be here" when he is in his own home.
The messages that I wanted to write aren't for things that he needs to do. They are to remind him (even for a moment) that it's OK. That my mom is nearby. That dinner is coming. That this is HIS house.
I feel like if it helped even 1 in 100 times to calm his worry, that is a good thing. Maybe I am too optimistic.
Which sits right next to the dry erase board with our phone numbers in large black magic marker numbers on display.
Every day when I talk to her, she asks me what day it is?
For 2 straight weeks she insisted every day was Christmas.
She tells me she can't call us because she lost our phone numbers.
You can try propping up your sign so you don't put holes in your mothers wall.
Dont get your hopes up, though. Dad has to remember to look at the sign and then be able to read it and have the info register in his broken brain in order for it to work.
We want to apply OUR rules of logic to an illogical brain disorder, that's the trouble.
Wanting to go home is normally an expression of needing comfort or familiarity. Dementia is like walking on jello. Nothing is solid, nothing makes sense, you can sink in at any time. The best thing you can do for dad is give him gentle reminders when necessary, give him cues and show him what to do, and answer his repetitive questions by distracting him as much as possible. Keep things routine and familiar, reminisce about the past, ask him questions about HIS memories because long term memories are usually intact for quite some time. That should make him feel more comfortable than anything else...being able to talk about the old days or his childhood, etc.
Wishing you the best of luck with this difficult situation