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Who are you caring for?
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How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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I gained over 60 pounds, lost a good paying job, saw a psychiatrist and was on medication for years, and stopped sleeping.
I don’t feel uncomfortable referring to that period of my time as “losing my mind”.
I’m by no means a typically “nice” person, but I have the triple fatal flaws of intense empathy, terrified attention to responsibility, and a driven desire to make life BEST for anyone who comes under my wing.
When my father dropped dead with no warning, 3 weeks after my first child was born, concern for my mother drew me closer to her than I’d been since I was a small child. She remained in her own little house, I lived about 15 minutes away, and she ran the show, and I let her, even encouraged her.
She had a devastating left hemi hemorrhagic stroke at 85, insisted that she was going home after 2 days in the hospital, and with her neurologist’s permission, did so. She was then 85, and resumed her semi-independent life.
Finally, at 89, a fall broke her hip, and rendered her totally dependent.
I was lost. After she partly rehabbed, I couldn’t think of any path forward but bringing her home. My house was perfect. I KNEW she’d get better. She didn’t. It was instantly obvious that her “mild cognitive loss” was full blown dementia, coupled with terrible frustration, expressed as hostility, that she couldn’t “go home”.
Her care was overwhelming. She had to be watched 24/7, and I was the watcher.
She died in 2007. I still have PTSD. Ultimately we placed her in a WONDERFUL residential care site, and her last 5 years were very healthy and happy.
NO perfect solutions, NO hard and fast rules (“Thou SHALL NOT consider residential are because Mama changed YOUR diapers 57 years ago’), NO GUILT, NO regard for the input of useless relatives.
Those aren’t ALL the rules for safe BALANCED careSHARING, but they’re a start. REMEMBER- Care SHARING. When you are depended upon as a caregiver YOU DESERVE A LEVEL OF CARE AT LEAST AT THE LEVEL YOU OFFER TO YOUR DEPENDENT LO.
Brilliant reply- I laugh as I recognise and enjoy the familiarity of your comments. Caregiving is so hard. Thank you! You know you did the right thing. My heart goes out to you and I send you love & healing power for the remains of PTSD.
I was certainly losing mine caring for my husband with dementia. I placed him in care 6 months ago and am slowly regaining my old self. Those moments when I recover an old feeling make me so happy. It’s so good to know my old optimistic self is still in there. Buried pretty deep, but recoverable.
That level of constant attention to another - especially one oblivious to your sacrifices on their behalf - is debilitating. I lost myself. During the height of the pandemic, I thought - if I get Covid and die, at least I won’t have to do this anymore. And that thought seemed rational to me, not a sign I was coming unglued. LOL.
When you stop the 24/7 caregiving, stop constantly living in that alternate universe of fun house mirrors, I think it’s not uncommon to have a bit of PTSD. I’m slowly learning to let go a bit. Now I manage his care, take him on outings, talk to him every day, but I stopped talking to him in the evenings when his delusions take over. I finally realized that talking him down only worked for him for 30 seconds, but upset me for the night. Letting go of the idea that I can somehow make him happy is the goal, but I’m not making as much progress on that as I would like.
I think caregiving can, indeed, make you crazy, but you can come back from it. They can’t.
If you are a caretaker for anyone, no matter who or the relationship, etc. and it is destroying YOU, then YOU must put a stop to it at once even if it means placing them somewhere. No one should tolerate the problems that come from these people - their lives will be gone before they know it and they don't deserve that.
It certainly feels that way! I often times don't like the person I've morphed into over the past 15 years of accelerating caregiving. The effects/stress/fatigue bleed over into my work life and certainly relationships with my now adult children have suffered. I often feel a bit paranoid about being judged but then only to find out, yes, guess what-I was right. It is a lonely place often; other people can choose how involved they want to be, when to step away etc. Not so much for us. I'm trying to add more balance for myself now that my husband is in assisted living. I start each day with listing at least 3 things I'm grateful for-it is a wonderful reminder that there is still good, beauty etc. Take care of you SEIAfoa, because no one else will.
I think in general, caregiving can suck the life out of us, and only someone who has been there "gets" it. But I don't truly believe someone would "lose their mind". If that's the way you feel things are going you need to explore what options are available for you to share the burden, get some time off, or figure out a way to have others visit you to socialize even if living in the environment of the person you care for. All I can tell you is that I thought I was handling things just fine, one day at at time. But trying to be more of superwoman with everything under control, caught up with me last fall when I had a health emergency...meaning there was basically no one to play the role of caregiver for my parents while I was in the hospital recovering from an emergency surgery for a dissected aorta which I nearly died from. Do not let it get to that point. Keep your health and well-being on a front burner, check your BP. You matter too!
Hello, I think feeling like you are losing your mind is a common phrase for burnt out caregivers. I know this feeling and phrase well. You have done plenty to care for your parent. No matter what “others” say… please step back and focus on getting your own life back. This might mean placing your mom in a care facility. The Area Council on Aging can help. Or contact a nursing home facility and speak to someone in admissions. The thing is… the level of care will become more and more. Your mom’s safety and your sanity are priorities. If others think they can do a better job of caregiving…offer them to opportunity to takeover. Above all, you have to make a change. I wish you the very best of everything.
There is frightening evidence, statistics that a fairly high % of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. This could be for any number of reasons but it is still an eye opener. If it is getting to be more than you can handle you need to find help. Either bring in caregivers for a period of time daily or a few days a week. Or if it is possible look for Day Care or if there are Senior Centers open with activities that would stimulate him and give you a break. Or Placing him in a facility appropriate for his skill level. You do not mention details in your profile. Age, and other issues other than mobility that your brother has. If he is able somewhat to care for himself a Group Home might be an option. Is your brother a Veteran? If so the VA can help, there are lots of programs that the VA has. Caregiving is stressful, exhausting, and it WILL change your life. There must be a balance.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I don’t feel uncomfortable referring to that period of my time as “losing my mind”.
I’m by no means a typically “nice” person, but I have the triple fatal flaws of intense empathy, terrified attention to responsibility, and a driven desire to make life BEST for anyone who comes under my wing.
When my father dropped dead with no warning, 3 weeks after my first child was born, concern for my mother drew me closer to her than I’d been since I was a small child. She remained in her own little house, I lived about 15 minutes away, and she ran the show, and I let her, even encouraged her.
She had a devastating left hemi hemorrhagic stroke at 85, insisted that she was going home after 2 days in the hospital, and with her neurologist’s permission, did so. She was then 85, and resumed her semi-independent life.
Finally, at 89, a fall broke her hip, and rendered her totally dependent.
I was lost. After she partly rehabbed, I couldn’t think of any path forward but bringing her home. My house was perfect. I KNEW she’d get better. She didn’t. It was instantly obvious that her “mild cognitive loss” was full blown dementia, coupled with terrible frustration, expressed as hostility, that she couldn’t “go home”.
Her care was overwhelming. She had to be watched 24/7, and I was the watcher.
She died in 2007. I still have PTSD. Ultimately we placed her in a WONDERFUL residential care site, and her last 5 years were very healthy and happy.
NO perfect solutions, NO hard and fast rules (“Thou SHALL NOT consider residential are because Mama changed YOUR diapers 57 years ago’), NO GUILT, NO regard for the input of useless relatives.
Those aren’t ALL the rules for safe BALANCED careSHARING, but they’re a start.
REMEMBER- Care SHARING. When you are depended upon as a caregiver YOU DESERVE A LEVEL OF CARE AT LEAST AT THE LEVEL YOU OFFER TO YOUR DEPENDENT LO.
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
comments. Caregiving is so hard. Thank you! You know you did the right thing.
My heart goes out to you and I send you love & healing power
for the remains of PTSD.
That level of constant attention to another - especially one oblivious to your sacrifices on their behalf - is debilitating. I lost myself. During the height of the pandemic, I thought - if I get Covid and die, at least I won’t have to do this anymore. And that thought seemed rational to me, not a sign I was coming unglued. LOL.
When you stop the 24/7 caregiving, stop constantly living in that alternate universe of fun house mirrors, I think it’s not uncommon to have a bit of PTSD. I’m slowly learning to let go a bit. Now I manage his care, take him on outings, talk to him every day, but I stopped talking to him in the evenings when his delusions take over. I finally realized that talking him down only worked for him for 30 seconds, but upset me for the night. Letting go of the idea that I can somehow make him happy is the goal, but I’m not making as much progress on that as I would like.
I think caregiving can, indeed, make you crazy, but you can come back from it. They can’t.
There are many who sadly no longer around to tell us.
Do you need help? It's OK to speak up.
Then, work on your own health, both mental and physical. Find your joy again.
Againx100. Great name.
Yes indeed x100 folk need this advice.
This could be for any number of reasons but it is still an eye opener.
If it is getting to be more than you can handle you need to find help.
Either bring in caregivers for a period of time daily or a few days a week.
Or if it is possible look for Day Care or if there are Senior Centers open with activities that would stimulate him and give you a break.
Or Placing him in a facility appropriate for his skill level. You do not mention details in your profile. Age, and other issues other than mobility that your brother has. If he is able somewhat to care for himself a Group Home might be an option.
Is your brother a Veteran? If so the VA can help, there are lots of programs that the VA has.
Caregiving is stressful, exhausting, and it WILL change your life.
There must be a balance.