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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I suppose that it depends on your level of stress. Care to tell us more details? It’s perfectly fine to vent. We’ve all needed to vent from time to time.
Are you doing everything on your own or do have help with caregiving duties? It’s definitely a tough job, emotionally and physically.
My caregiver days are behind me. My parents are deceased. I cared for my brother too. We sacrifice a lot during this period of our lives. It’s quite frustrating at times.
How long have you been caregiving and do you have an exit plan? Have you spoken to Council on Aging in your area for a needs assessment for the person that you are caring for? I see from your profile it is your older brother. How old is he? Are you still working or did you give up your job?
I am sorry that you are struggling with this. Most of us have no clue how much of a challenge caregiving is until we start doing it.
What do you mean by “losing your mind”? Can you no longer concentrate, do you feel a sense of high anxiety, cry a lot, or feel over whelmed? Are you currently caring for your bro, or are you no longer caring for him and can't seem to get back to you old self? If you're still caring, finding help to come in occasionally to relieve you can help. Call you local Area Agency on Aging to get suggestions. If you're no longer caring for him, I would suggest professional counseling.
I gained over 60 pounds, lost a good paying job, saw a psychiatrist and was on medication for years, and stopped sleeping.
I don’t feel uncomfortable referring to that period of my time as “losing my mind”.
I’m by no means a typically “nice” person, but I have the triple fatal flaws of intense empathy, terrified attention to responsibility, and a driven desire to make life BEST for anyone who comes under my wing.
When my father dropped dead with no warning, 3 weeks after my first child was born, concern for my mother drew me closer to her than I’d been since I was a small child. She remained in her own little house, I lived about 15 minutes away, and she ran the show, and I let her, even encouraged her.
She had a devastating left hemi hemorrhagic stroke at 85, insisted that she was going home after 2 days in the hospital, and with her neurologist’s permission, did so. She was then 85, and resumed her semi-independent life.
Finally, at 89, a fall broke her hip, and rendered her totally dependent.
I was lost. After she partly rehabbed, I couldn’t think of any path forward but bringing her home. My house was perfect. I KNEW she’d get better. She didn’t. It was instantly obvious that her “mild cognitive loss” was full blown dementia, coupled with terrible frustration, expressed as hostility, that she couldn’t “go home”.
Her care was overwhelming. She had to be watched 24/7, and I was the watcher.
She died in 2007. I still have PTSD. Ultimately we placed her in a WONDERFUL residential care site, and her last 5 years were very healthy and happy.
NO perfect solutions, NO hard and fast rules (“Thou SHALL NOT consider residential are because Mama changed YOUR diapers 57 years ago’), NO GUILT, NO regard for the input of useless relatives.
Those aren’t ALL the rules for safe BALANCED careSHARING, but they’re a start. REMEMBER- Care SHARING. When you are depended upon as a caregiver YOU DESERVE A LEVEL OF CARE AT LEAST AT THE LEVEL YOU OFFER TO YOUR DEPENDENT LO.
Brilliant reply- I laugh as I recognise and enjoy the familiarity of your comments. Caregiving is so hard. Thank you! You know you did the right thing. My heart goes out to you and I send you love & healing power for the remains of PTSD.
Hello, I think feeling like you are losing your mind is a common phrase for burnt out caregivers. I know this feeling and phrase well. You have done plenty to care for your parent. No matter what “others” say… please step back and focus on getting your own life back. This might mean placing your mom in a care facility. The Area Council on Aging can help. Or contact a nursing home facility and speak to someone in admissions. The thing is… the level of care will become more and more. Your mom’s safety and your sanity are priorities. If others think they can do a better job of caregiving…offer them to opportunity to takeover. Above all, you have to make a change. I wish you the very best of everything.
I am 10 yrs into caregiving for my now 95 yr old mother. I’ve had to do different levels of caring for her, as she does not have dementia, but has had many physical problems and some of them have brought her close to death. I don’t feel I have lost my mind, but I definitely have lost my life as I knew it. She has terminal cancer now and when I think of what I want to do when she passes, I freeze. I don’t know anything more than caretaking. I haven’t had a vacation in 10 yrs, and I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I took a vacation. It all seems so foreign to me.
If you can, plan for a cruise. I have gone solo and enjoyed so much being alone when I wanted to or around others when I needed social, relax, read a book, watch the waves...
I was certainly losing mine caring for my husband with dementia. I placed him in care 6 months ago and am slowly regaining my old self. Those moments when I recover an old feeling make me so happy. It’s so good to know my old optimistic self is still in there. Buried pretty deep, but recoverable.
That level of constant attention to another - especially one oblivious to your sacrifices on their behalf - is debilitating. I lost myself. During the height of the pandemic, I thought - if I get Covid and die, at least I won’t have to do this anymore. And that thought seemed rational to me, not a sign I was coming unglued. LOL.
When you stop the 24/7 caregiving, stop constantly living in that alternate universe of fun house mirrors, I think it’s not uncommon to have a bit of PTSD. I’m slowly learning to let go a bit. Now I manage his care, take him on outings, talk to him every day, but I stopped talking to him in the evenings when his delusions take over. I finally realized that talking him down only worked for him for 30 seconds, but upset me for the night. Letting go of the idea that I can somehow make him happy is the goal, but I’m not making as much progress on that as I would like.
I think caregiving can, indeed, make you crazy, but you can come back from it. They can’t.
It certainly feels that way! I often times don't like the person I've morphed into over the past 15 years of accelerating caregiving. The effects/stress/fatigue bleed over into my work life and certainly relationships with my now adult children have suffered. I often feel a bit paranoid about being judged but then only to find out, yes, guess what-I was right. It is a lonely place often; other people can choose how involved they want to be, when to step away etc. Not so much for us. I'm trying to add more balance for myself now that my husband is in assisted living. I start each day with listing at least 3 things I'm grateful for-it is a wonderful reminder that there is still good, beauty etc. Take care of you SEIAfoa, because no one else will.
This is a pretty good definition of burnout. Whatever a person does over and over and over.... and the recurring thoughts while doing so become ingrained in your brain - like a big rut in a trail from constant walking in the same place.
The good news is that this doesn't have to be permanent. If changes are made, unhealthy thoughts can be replaced with more positive ones. By reframing the situation -looking at it from other perspectives - most thoughts of "losing it" can be changed.
However if the situation involves difficult behavior from others, then it might become necessary to find other ways to cope. Learning to create and honor "boundaries" takes time and effort. I like the books on "boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. These Christian counsellors offer good step by step method of dealing with problem behavior. Many times the process is easier with the help of a counsellor or counselling group.
Need more info. Usually one doesn't lose their mind do to Caregiving but they can get what's called Burn Out and I suppose even have a nervous breakdown. If this is the case, you just need to step back and away from Caregiving and you'll be fine.
Caregiving is hard and stressful and it can really damage your life. You look young and it is recommended that you get out of that role because you need to be working for a living -- unless you are disabled, which case it is good you are doing this to help your loved one.
The longer you stay out of the work force (assuming you are not on disability), the harder it will be to get back to it and you may end up homeless due to years of caregiving.
Not so much losing your mind, but feeling burnt out. It’s typical and normal as a long-term caregiver. Find time for yourself, doing hobbies YOU like to enjoy and reward yourself each day with it. I’ve always exercised and loved quiet times with God, so my “me” time is at 0500. This means I can’t hug my pillow longer, but I spend quiet time with God. I then do a 50-minute elliptical workout while watching my favorite comical sitcom on my iPad. After a hot shower, I’m ready to face my workday and caregiver day. I’m less stressed when my mornings are like this, but am exhausted at bedtime. Find your “me” time and get additional caregiver help to enable you to take care of you.
Omigoodness! I could never get up so early ( after a lifetime of it as a dayshift nurse ... LOL ) . I dragged myself out of bed yesterday at 0715 to take my dog for a dental cleaning. But normally get up about 8/9 and have time to myself playing computer games and reading before Mom gets up between 10/11. You are definitely right about "me" time.
Maybe something you could try now while caregiving, could you enroll in a course online? I've been thinking of doing that. The ones I did in the past included interacting with other students online 2 x week, plus the reading and learning something new. Maybe since you sound maybe distraught, you could take an easy, fun course. It could be a way to "escape" now while concentrating on something outside of your brother and yourself.
You may need to work on finding alternate care for your disabled brother, or at least some home care respite relief.
For the time you are the one doing the hands on care, concentrate on doing those tasks well; don't agonize over other things you are not able to do. Arrange for time off, even if you have to pay out of pocket. Look into Adult Day Care programs for him if there are any in your area.
If your brother had his own scheduled activity part of the day, you would have time off for shopping and appointments and maybe even a part-time job.
If you are a caretaker for anyone, no matter who or the relationship, etc. and it is destroying YOU, then YOU must put a stop to it at once even if it means placing them somewhere. No one should tolerate the problems that come from these people - their lives will be gone before they know it and they don't deserve that.
I'm in year three after leaving my abusive mother who I helped for two years. I'm not much better and some days I'm worse but that's because I live in limbo. Since I wouldn't stay to be her free slave with no life of my own, she's pushed me out of her life and badmouthed me so I have no family left. I was once her POA etc but now she probably changed it to my siblings - her darlings who do nothing for her. So you need to assess if you need to leave before you're too far gone, or if you can get help. I don't know if the person being taken care of is abusive, but if they are, the longer you stay the worse - from my experience and others I've read here and other online forums.
There is frightening evidence, statistics that a fairly high % of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. This could be for any number of reasons but it is still an eye opener. If it is getting to be more than you can handle you need to find help. Either bring in caregivers for a period of time daily or a few days a week. Or if it is possible look for Day Care or if there are Senior Centers open with activities that would stimulate him and give you a break. Or Placing him in a facility appropriate for his skill level. You do not mention details in your profile. Age, and other issues other than mobility that your brother has. If he is able somewhat to care for himself a Group Home might be an option. Is your brother a Veteran? If so the VA can help, there are lots of programs that the VA has. Caregiving is stressful, exhausting, and it WILL change your life. There must be a balance.
You haven't provided a lot of information, but if you are providing care 24/7 with no respite and no other interface with others, it can certainly seem like you are losing your mind!
Given only that you are caring for your brother, we have to guess that you are not working a job outside the home. Unless you are receiving some kind of pay to provide for his care, this is a concern. Certainly your brother's care is important, however since he isn't that old and he's your older brother, that might leave you without a job, health insurance or a way to save for your own future, including SS.
If you are 24/7 care, is there any way to hire help, to provide some care, so that you can secure employment and also have time to yourself? Doing the same tasks over and over and over again, with no free time for yourself to do what you like or to have time to socialize with others can take a heavy toll. In addition to having an outlet, to take care of your needs, you may need some counseling as well. Without health insurance or income, this may present a problem.
Any chance we can entice any more information from you? We can suggest ways to get help, but we do need more input from you in order to point you in the right direction.
I think in general, caregiving can suck the life out of us, and only someone who has been there "gets" it. But I don't truly believe someone would "lose their mind". If that's the way you feel things are going you need to explore what options are available for you to share the burden, get some time off, or figure out a way to have others visit you to socialize even if living in the environment of the person you care for. All I can tell you is that I thought I was handling things just fine, one day at at time. But trying to be more of superwoman with everything under control, caught up with me last fall when I had a health emergency...meaning there was basically no one to play the role of caregiver for my parents while I was in the hospital recovering from an emergency surgery for a dissected aorta which I nearly died from. Do not let it get to that point. Keep your health and well-being on a front burner, check your BP. You matter too!
Hi Yes unfortunately many have been there. I wasn’t the hands on caregiver as my dad was in a nursing facility. Many medical problems. But even the nightly visits, falls, hospital visits and all the other tasks that involve family are one stressor on top of another. I became so exhausted I was not doing my job well at work and I had 2 car accidents during that period of time. luckily not serious but I ended up being sued because of one . Don’t feel alone or judged . It’s not easy . Best to you
Yes. Sounds like burn out. The caregiver needs a break. Respite care for the one needing care is recommended. Don't know the situation, but hiring a home health aide can help too.
I became a completely different person. Some changes were good. I saw that I was capable of extraordinary focus, organization, patience, problem solving and physical stamina, all in service of my Alzheimer mother and her needs. Some changes were bad in that I became bitterly estrange from my three sisters. Everyday, I have to stop my mind from getting lost in memory from some trauma related to the caregiving. It's been three years now, and I am slowly getting better but I the person I was before is gone. I think it must be how veterans from a war feel upon returning home.
I have been asking myself the same thing. PTSD is real and depending on what a caregiver goes through they certainly can have it. I know caregiving has changed me. I am still in the middle of it but I can see how the person I was may never be back. We'll see. The sooner I can get out of this situation the better. Sad, bitter- sounding & honest, but true.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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Are you doing everything on your own or do have help with caregiving duties? It’s definitely a tough job, emotionally and physically.
My caregiver days are behind me. My parents are deceased. I cared for my brother too. We sacrifice a lot during this period of our lives. It’s quite frustrating at times.
How long have you been caregiving and do you have an exit plan? Have you spoken to Council on Aging in your area for a needs assessment for the person that you are caring for? I see from your profile it is your older brother. How old is he? Are you still working or did you give up your job?
I am sorry that you are struggling with this. Most of us have no clue how much of a challenge caregiving is until we start doing it.
Best wishes to you and your brother.
There are many who sadly no longer around to tell us.
Do you need help? It's OK to speak up.
Then, work on your own health, both mental and physical. Find your joy again.
Againx100. Great name.
Yes indeed x100 folk need this advice.
I don’t feel uncomfortable referring to that period of my time as “losing my mind”.
I’m by no means a typically “nice” person, but I have the triple fatal flaws of intense empathy, terrified attention to responsibility, and a driven desire to make life BEST for anyone who comes under my wing.
When my father dropped dead with no warning, 3 weeks after my first child was born, concern for my mother drew me closer to her than I’d been since I was a small child. She remained in her own little house, I lived about 15 minutes away, and she ran the show, and I let her, even encouraged her.
She had a devastating left hemi hemorrhagic stroke at 85, insisted that she was going home after 2 days in the hospital, and with her neurologist’s permission, did so. She was then 85, and resumed her semi-independent life.
Finally, at 89, a fall broke her hip, and rendered her totally dependent.
I was lost. After she partly rehabbed, I couldn’t think of any path forward but bringing her home. My house was perfect. I KNEW she’d get better. She didn’t. It was instantly obvious that her “mild cognitive loss” was full blown dementia, coupled with terrible frustration, expressed as hostility, that she couldn’t “go home”.
Her care was overwhelming. She had to be watched 24/7, and I was the watcher.
She died in 2007. I still have PTSD. Ultimately we placed her in a WONDERFUL residential care site, and her last 5 years were very healthy and happy.
NO perfect solutions, NO hard and fast rules (“Thou SHALL NOT consider residential are because Mama changed YOUR diapers 57 years ago’), NO GUILT, NO regard for the input of useless relatives.
Those aren’t ALL the rules for safe BALANCED careSHARING, but they’re a start.
REMEMBER- Care SHARING. When you are depended upon as a caregiver YOU DESERVE A LEVEL OF CARE AT LEAST AT THE LEVEL YOU OFFER TO YOUR DEPENDENT LO.
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
comments. Caregiving is so hard. Thank you! You know you did the right thing.
My heart goes out to you and I send you love & healing power
for the remains of PTSD.
People can be damaged by caregiving. It’s hard. Very hard.
Sometimes we have to recognize that we need care ourselves and have to get help.
Here is a great meditation. Take a few minutes. Try this to see if it helps.
https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/compassion_meditation
That level of constant attention to another - especially one oblivious to your sacrifices on their behalf - is debilitating. I lost myself. During the height of the pandemic, I thought - if I get Covid and die, at least I won’t have to do this anymore. And that thought seemed rational to me, not a sign I was coming unglued. LOL.
When you stop the 24/7 caregiving, stop constantly living in that alternate universe of fun house mirrors, I think it’s not uncommon to have a bit of PTSD. I’m slowly learning to let go a bit. Now I manage his care, take him on outings, talk to him every day, but I stopped talking to him in the evenings when his delusions take over. I finally realized that talking him down only worked for him for 30 seconds, but upset me for the night. Letting go of the idea that I can somehow make him happy is the goal, but I’m not making as much progress on that as I would like.
I think caregiving can, indeed, make you crazy, but you can come back from it. They can’t.
The good news is that this doesn't have to be permanent. If changes are made, unhealthy thoughts can be replaced with more positive ones. By reframing the situation -looking at it from other perspectives - most thoughts of "losing it" can be changed.
However if the situation involves difficult behavior from others, then it might become necessary to find other ways to cope. Learning to create and honor "boundaries" takes time and effort. I like the books on "boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. These Christian counsellors offer good step by step method of dealing with problem behavior. Many times the process is easier with the help of a counsellor or counselling group.
Usually one doesn't lose their mind do to Caregiving but they can get what's called Burn Out and I suppose even have a nervous breakdown.
If this is the case, you just need to step back and away from Caregiving and you'll be fine.
The longer you stay out of the work force (assuming you are not on disability), the harder it will be to get back to it and you may end up homeless due to years of caregiving.
For the time you are the one doing the hands on care, concentrate on doing those tasks well; don't agonize over other things you are not able to do. Arrange for time off, even if you have to pay out of pocket. Look into Adult Day Care programs for him if there are any in your area.
If your brother had his own scheduled activity part of the day, you would have time off for shopping and appointments and maybe even a part-time job.
Is this a brother who is disabled?
There should be some programs in the county for day care.
This could be for any number of reasons but it is still an eye opener.
If it is getting to be more than you can handle you need to find help.
Either bring in caregivers for a period of time daily or a few days a week.
Or if it is possible look for Day Care or if there are Senior Centers open with activities that would stimulate him and give you a break.
Or Placing him in a facility appropriate for his skill level. You do not mention details in your profile. Age, and other issues other than mobility that your brother has. If he is able somewhat to care for himself a Group Home might be an option.
Is your brother a Veteran? If so the VA can help, there are lots of programs that the VA has.
Caregiving is stressful, exhausting, and it WILL change your life.
There must be a balance.
Given only that you are caring for your brother, we have to guess that you are not working a job outside the home. Unless you are receiving some kind of pay to provide for his care, this is a concern. Certainly your brother's care is important, however since he isn't that old and he's your older brother, that might leave you without a job, health insurance or a way to save for your own future, including SS.
If you are 24/7 care, is there any way to hire help, to provide some care, so that you can secure employment and also have time to yourself? Doing the same tasks over and over and over again, with no free time for yourself to do what you like or to have time to socialize with others can take a heavy toll. In addition to having an outlet, to take care of your needs, you may need some counseling as well. Without health insurance or income, this may present a problem.
Any chance we can entice any more information from you? We can suggest ways to get help, but we do need more input from you in order to point you in the right direction.
Yes unfortunately many have been there. I wasn’t the hands on caregiver as my dad was in a nursing facility. Many medical problems. But even the nightly visits,
falls, hospital visits and all the other tasks that involve family are one stressor on top of another. I became so exhausted I was not doing my job well at work and I had 2 car accidents during that period of time.
luckily not serious but I ended up being sued because of one .
Don’t feel alone or judged . It’s not easy .
Best to you