Hi fellow caregivers. I have been here before but it's been awhile, and maybe I am finally ready to be completely honest and transparent about my situation with my Mom.
So my Mom moved in with me 9 months ago, because she is in hospice and her nurse asked me to just come get her....she could not live independently anymore with her advancing COPD and dementia. We moved her into our home....but in all honesty this was not an easy decision.
Just to give some background, she was physically abusive toward me during my whole childhood, but worse...was the neglect. She actually abandoned me to her live-in boyfriend...who sexually abused me for seven years. They broke up, and she allowed me to move in with him...between 9 and 13 years of age. She knew the whole time, that his was a one bedroom apartment. She had to know it was likely I was sleeping in his bed. But she looked the other way, and to this day...pleads ignorance.
But I've tried my best to forgive. She was not highly educated, came from an abusive background herself...I've done my best to just let it go..
So now she needs help. As stated before, she is half out of her mind with dementia. I've done my best to take care of her, considering it my Christian responsibilty...until finally I could not endure any longer. I have clinical anxiety...and while it had been controlled for several years, I was having frequent panic attacks...not sleeping...weight gain...high blood pressure...
Finally made the decision to put her in a nursing home. But I am struggling with that decision. Turns out I can't see her, without weeks of notice and covid tests...visitation is only available around once every 3 weeks. Her nurse keeps in touch with me, to tell me she's so angry with me. Like I have failed her.
All of this has me so totally depressed. Whatever progress I had made in my life, with my mental health...by being separated from her, from the drama and triggering of our relationship...just feels worse than ever.
Her nurses are sending me texts, telling me how she's the sweetest...thanking me for allowing them to take care of her....make me feel like such a failure. I feel so judged by them, and extended family, for not being able to handle her at home.
I know this is a crazy situation. I would not even expose this openly except for the fact that I feel so alone, and desperate. Has anyone out there had to care for an abusive parent, and the feelings it brings up?
You did a wise thing by finding a facility for mom. With her dementia she likely doesn't remember what her thoughts were while you were going through this abuse that I am so sorry you had to endure. You have not failed mom, she failed you for many years.
It is never a good idea for an adult that went through abuse to become caregiver to the abuser. It will trigger feelings and thoughts that you had when you were younger.
I think you are being very forgiving and generous with your time considering your childhood. Once every three weeks is plenty and if it were me I don't think I would be visiting at all. If it gets emotionally difficult for you to visit, STOP.
Have you sought therapy to help you to heal? Even if you did earlier in life you may need to again. This is a life change where it is easily understood that it may be causing problems again.
Do not let the facility know the background, they will try to guilt you into visits. You don't need to tell them a thing. If you want to tell them I would simply state that your doctor has advised against visits. You have to take care of yourself first, whatever that may look like.
I am sorry for the abuse you endured. I wouldn't visit someone or take any kind of responsibility for them if I were you. The facility can do that. Perhaps mom needs a court appointed conservator and or guardian.
Plus, they don't have a complicated past with her, do they? To them, she is a sweet, sick little old lady. Not the self-centered gorgon who abandoned you.
Please stick around here for support. We care!
PLEASE DO NOT allow yourself to diminish IN ANY WAY, the care you are giving to someone who betrayed you in the most HORRIFIC WAY.
I’m sure you have been told in therapy that it is NOT YOUR JOB to forgive her. Attempting to do so is a waste of your resources and energy.
In her dementia, her perceptions are even MORE inexplicable than they were when you were a child. Her thoughts and anger are less and less related to any authentic reaction to you and what your relationship was to her, OR IS NOW, and that can hopefully allow you more and more freedom from your past.
I often speak here about my own mother’s life in residential care. (Please NOTE- the idea of “putting her in a nursing home” is obviously a dreary and dark description of what has happened. If they love her in her residential care setting, YOU have done something wonderful for her).
My mother was a tragic, severe agoraphobia victim. She was often totally unable to function as a mother, and she didn’t. When I ultimately placed her in the best residential care center I could find, she came to LOVE her circumstances. Those 5 1/2 years were among the best of her adult life.
Those years couldn’t give me the mother I never had, practically from my earliest memories, but they could, AND DID free me from the mountain of guilt that she’d used to control my life. I too had made the terrible mistake of thinking I could take care of her in my home when she needed full time care, and the ultimate realization that placing her in a wonderful setting where she could receive care 24/7 was both freeing and empowering.
Are you addressing YOUR present needs right now with a compassionate therapist? Are you considering all the RIGHT THINGS that you are CHOOSING to do for someone who was unable to choose good things for you?
Are you listening to affirming messages, and making those messages louder than those that you perceive as negative criticism?
You will often see here that as caregivers, we need to take good care of BOTH ourselves AND our “clients”. You’ve made excellent decisions on your mother’s part. Be sure you’re developing a healthy structure now, FOR YOU.
Now, it's time for YOU to heal.
Thank you for sharing your story. We surely do care.
You owe yourself way more than you owe her. You have ensured she is safe, housed, fed, and medically taken care of. You have done more for her than she ever did for you, no?
So find a way to begin your healing - hopefully you will include therapy in that journey. If you come to realize that the only way you can heal is to remove this woman from your life, do it with the knowledge that you have given her a safe place to spend her final years with people who like her taking care of her. I don't think you owe her anything more.
I'm so very sorry for everything you have gone through and are currently going through. I hope someday you can find some peace with this, you certainly deserve it.
The nurse should know better than to be telling you how angry mom is at you. Next time she does so, you response might be, “Yes, placing mother was very difficult. Her anger is not unusual, as you often see in your line of work. Feel free to share updates on her condition with me, however, hearing about her anger is productive for no one.”
As far as the “she is so sweet”, one thing I have said to my sibling’s caretakers is “I am glad you are having a positive experience with —-.” And then I change the subject. Because I am glad. I am glad it is them and not me. Many things in life are all in how you look at them;)
At the front end of a new caregiving situation (and in my case it changes regularly because the “sweetness” goes away pretty rapidly and his real self and his impairment come to the forefront any time he gets comfortable with someone), I just say that “Unfortunately, the mental decline has caused him to obsess on me as enemy. It gets worse the more I am around him. So, I stay in the background and help him that way. My being around is not good for him, so you will see me less than I would like.”
Sibling is a total pill. Was before illness and is worse now. I came off of caregiving others for 8-10 years, the last 4 were done while burned out. When I had to take sibling on, I was VERY good at boundary setting and had to find a way to get things done without looking like Attila the Hun, lol.
This situation is beyond for many reasons. But, considering where you are in it, sometimes just having some reasonable, firm language to interact with others who are judging (or who you think are judging) can be empowering.
Yes, most of the forums members are from the US, 4 different time zones. Others from Canada and the UK. Other countries have chimed in.
My heart goes out to you!!
I am responsible for my narcissistic mother.
The abuse was nowhere near what you've been through, however, it makes our relationship turbulent at best. Of course Mom thinks I'm her BFF. She doesn't think she ever did anything wrong!
Some of what you described in your post sounds very much like NPD. YouTube is a wonderful resource for doing research on the subject of narcissism. Search "Is my Mom a narcissist "
Most likely you were programmed to feel guilty from a very young age. It's a hard thing to get over. I imagine if you treated your Mom half as badly as she's treated you, she would never want to speak to you again!
You've done more than most people would in your shoes!!
You have nothing to feel guilty about!!
God bless!!
The nurse is out of line for telling you your mother is angry with you. Call for WELLNESS checks, not attitude checks. Who asked YOU how angry you were when her bf was abusing you all those years?
That you even care for or speak to this woman you call "mother" is a testament to the beauty of your soul.
Please allow yourself to heal from the trauma you've been exposed to by not allowing any more trauma into your life. That means you do whatever it takes to minimize or eliminate contact with your mother. Remember she IS being cared for and with dementia at play, she's even more prone to outrageous behavior and language than ever before. You don't need that. Check in with the director of nursing once in a while to see how she's doing, if you do feel so inclined, and leave it at that.
And stop feeding yourself a story about it being the "Christian" thing to do to suffer any more abuse at the hands of ANYONE. God wants you to honor and respect YOURSELF and the life He gave you. Not subject yourself to ugliness and disrespect from those who should cherish you most.
Good luck with the healing process you deserve to undertake for yourself.
That must be so sickening to receive text messages about how sweet your mother is and how and how they love taking care of her. If only they knew the truth about her!!
My mother was 96 years old living in her own house by herself. She was a hoarder and gambling addict and refused to bathe and change her clothes or wash her hair. She wouldn’t let me help her except on a rare occasion to use disposable washcloths and a shampoo cap.
So when my mom was in the hospital for a stroke and the nurses were doting on her and bathing her in bed with no complaints from her, I walked out of the room with tears streaming down my face because the nurses were able to bathe her and I never could. She wouldn’t let me. At that moment I felt like a failure.
But I realized she wasn’t in her right mind and was dying from the stroke. She passed away 4 days after having the stroke in October 2020.
Please take care of yourself and you have nothing to feel guilty about. We all care on aging care forum.
God is with you.
Regarding the comments from the nurses, when my Alz. mother was in the hospital, I had nurses tell me how nice and sweet my mother was. (At home, my Alz. mother drove me up the wall and I tried not to be around her if I didn't need to.) In my mind, I said to myself, "Only if they knew..."
But they didn't know. Since these nurses had no history with my mother, and only knew her in the short time that she was there, to me, they were being nice and just showing me that they liked mother, and that my mother was nice to them. That was ALL there was to it. Nothing more, nothing less. They weren't trying to send any other message. And I took their comments as such.
In your mother's case, I don't think the nurses are trying to make you feel guilty. They are just being nice, and they want to let you know that they are being attentive to your mother, and that your mother likes them. That's all there is to it. I don't see any hidden message from them. The part about you feeling guilty, I think, is coming from your own mind.
And you have NO reason to be guilty. Your mother was the guilty one.
My suggested replies to the nurses' nice comments would be:
"I'm so glad I found a place with such wonderful caring nurses for my mother." or
"That is so nice to hear that about my mother." or
"Thanks for being so caring. I feel relieved to have her in your care."
And welcome to the forum. Many of the posters here, unfortunately, have the type of mother you have.
You're amazing!!
You're a fighter!!
You're thought of with love and prayers!!😘
I, too, was so glad to stumble upon this site a few years ago when I felt so alone and so burned out taking care of my Allz. mother. No one in my life understood what I was feeling. Everyone asked how my mother was but no one asked how I was. My mother lived with me and she was ruining my life, stressing out my kids, and putting my marriage at risk. I had no life for myself and no time for my husband. It was like living in a mental institution and having to take care of a crazy person 24/7. Finally I had to move her out before I went insane.
One thing you did absolutely correct was putting your mother in a nursing home. Don't feel guilty for doing that. Your mother already ruined your childhood, don't let her ruin any more of your life.
You see to it that she is being cared for. That's more than she deserves from you.