Has anyone's elderly parent ever become manipulative? Such as trying to make you feel sorry for them?

My aunt is in long term care, and has become to the point i dread it when she calls. She consistantly says im oging to get my lawyers involved im being forced to be here. I hate it.

Yes, sometimes they do become manipulative and very needy. Let's face it. When you get to a certain age, your world gets smaller. Your relatives and close friends are either very ill, have serious health issues or are dead. The elderly get very lonely not seeing someone if they live alone. My mom would always "need" something to be done at her house. She was quite hard of hearing, so talking on the phone with her was next to impossible. My brother (who lived with her) often got on her nerves and vice versa. I tried to empathize with her situation as best I could, but it was difficult to deal with at the time.

She has been gone now for over 7 years and I miss her. You can only do the best you can with what you have available to you. It can be aggravating at times, but I'd try to put myself in her shoes.

faithfulbeauty: When my mother talked (complained) endlessly about her DGD's (Dear Granddaughter) trip to Alaska and how she shouldn't have gone and instead visited her Grammy (my mother), I shut down the selfish discussion/the 'poor me story.' She never brought it up again. However, that was difficult for me to do as I shun confrontation.

Yes - my mother has become more manipulative as she has gotten older (even though she always had that tendency). She says things like 'I don't have much longer to live', 'I was at death's door' and so many others. She does not like that she can't mold me as she used to be able to. I think what it may be is she is coming to terms with her mortality and is wanting more attention. She never used to talk about bad health but she's become a hypochondriac. It is exhausting.

I tried to retrain my brain to not panic and to remain calm (or as much as I am able) and not fall into the trap. She lives with us in her own space but has become very needy since her fall and rehab.

Her social worker did recommend we start looking at LTC in case things go sideways so we will but it is not my preference right now. You must make sure you take time for YOU and put up some type of self preservation 'barrier'- this is funny coming from me but it is true.

I have experienced this too with my mom! She loves the extra attention. For me I felt angry because that is not the mom I remember. My thought process had to go in a direction that comes from her past and how she was brought up. The suppression of women back her day was surmountable. Her needs stem from the past. My mom has terrible ptsd from the men in her life. None of those men are alive now. She looks at me like I am the controlling man which I only have to say to her it’s just you and me now and we are free to be ourselves and do as we please.
She gets it sometimes and other times she doesn’t. I just direct our conversations into a positive light and it does help temporarily. Her liking attention is normal for her now. I have to except what I can change what I cannot. Once patterns have established themselves we as the sane people need to adjust our reactions to them. Walk away, don’t get sucked into an argument that really leads to a nonsensical discussion. Take time to think their world is changing daily and it’s scary for them. Stay strong and love your parent despite their clouded thoughts. Take time for yourself to process the information you are receiving as an opportunity to help them feel safe or loved or cared about. Even if the behavior is negative and controlling. This is something I have to remind myself everyday. But this too shall pass and when my mom goes to heaven I will miss her terribly and her sometimes manipulative antics!

I mean really, you don’t need to drive over there. You can send police for a welfare check. That stopped that behavior with my MIL.

It maybe more a matter of him not remembering how to use technology correctly. In this case, it might be easier to get a landline.

I was married a year and a half ago and my 98 year old father-in-law lives with us. All I can say is I never want to burden anyone except for paid professionals with my elderly care. I am 62 and I think I will start now looking for a respected facility. IMO the statement of "well they changed your diapers and looked after you for however many years" is hogwash. It was your parents decision (and God's) to create you and I don't believe (unless it was their sick plan) that was to babysit your parents when they get sick and elderly. This guy has dementia which he gets a pass for, however, he is also manipulative, is a liar and is totally different with my husband and I then he is with his other son, who lives in a separate house but on the same property. He whines and cusses constantly and complains about the food I make. However, his son shows up with food he has made and it's perfect. We can't enjoy a night out without him calling. He's a slob and his end of the house smells like urine because even though he wears adult diapers he gets from the VA, he wets them at night and apparently enough that the diapers don't soak it all up and it goes on the bed. When he changes his diapers (he also has bowel control issues) he gets it all over his bathroom floor and toilet. I used to clean his bathroom but no more. I started feeling like a maid a housekeeper (with no pay) instead of a newlywed. I am a working professional and had a life before I got married and want it back. My husband's brother stops every day and checks on his Dad and acts like he's the most intelligent caregiver who is an expert on elderly health and mental care. He visits for a half hour and occasionally takes him to his house for an hour or two but really has no clue what we go through 24/7. The Dad wakes you up in the middle of the night thinking he's somewhere else or with people not really there or wants to know where his wallet is. This has been going on for 4 years now and you honestly get to wondering God when are you going to call him home (although I'm not sure it's God that wants him). The guy drives me nuts asking the same thing over and over again, waiting maybe 5 minutes in between and there's nothing sweet about him. So you can't think right all of the time, walking is hard, hearing is hard but does the wanting to help other people besides yourself ever get thought of?

Oh boy absolutely.

My mom chose one person to complain to, which was me. It took a long time to figure it out, but thanks to this forum I realized that was happening. Sunshine and rainbows to everyone, relentless complaining to me. I set up boundaries but still it was exhausting because I had to hold those boundaries daily against a person with inexhaustible energy.

What did help a bit besides boundaries regarding calls and conversation times was;

- practicing ‘active non-listening’. I’d just let my mind fly into outer orbit. Extra bonus if I could cook while we were on the phone - nice smells!

- never announcing visits and thus busting her playing bingo with friends , despite being told everything is awful always, etc…

- being literally told by a professional that she was manipulating me with guilt

- My favorite; I amused myself by making a list of Top 5 Ridiculous Complaints. The winner was her telling me the food was so terrible could she come live with me…” I’ll just come sleep on your floor! Oh, and you had soup tonight? Can I have a teaspoon of soup? Just a teaspoon! “ Fyi I’ve had the food at her place and it is actually delicious.

Basically mom wanted to manipulate me into a fantasy life, which involved some scenario where I’m married to an east coast doctor ( no offense whatsoever to any of you !) and am taking care of her physical and emotional needs literally every waking moment. Needless to say her needs are very well taken care of but if I fell into her fantasty life I’d be dead from exhaustion!

This kind of behavior is miserable to deal with. I wish you the best with this! Also if you would care to come over for a teaspoon of my delicious soup you are most welcome :)

Another shoutout to this forum for showing me that lots of us are not alone with this manipulative nonsense. Teaspoons of soup for all!

Your father might be getting to the point where he will need more care. It's a difficult discussion, but you need to know his preferences if he gets to the point where he is incapacitated and can't care for himself. Also think about how much you are realistically able to do for him. His basic options are in-home caregivers or moving to a senior residence (independent living, assisted living, memory care, and skilled nursing are the different types, and continuing care facilities have all facilities in one place). Much depends on his financial situation. Has he set up Powers of Attorney (POA) for medical and financial matters, so that his POA can make decisions if he is incapacitated. He also needs to have a Living Will with his advance medical Directives, and a will, if he has assets. He will probably need an attorney to do these legal papers if he has assets. All adults should have these documents, it's not just him. Does he need to have someone check in on him for a couple of hours a day, and help with cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc.? Keep an eye on when it seems like he is needing assistance with his daily needs. All the best to you both.

iwvicki - your comment stating, "Partly I agree but you are being judgmental also and some day you may be old and alone so settle down."

Don't you think that's a nasty way to answer someone? Geez, not the best way to make a good first impression!

My mother has been manipulative her whole life. I truly believe it is an automatic brain pattern at this point. Example - she used her emergency alert and told them she had fallen. I was upstairs taking a nap when the police and ambulance showed up. Really scared me. But as soon ad I saw her positioned on the floor at the end of the bed, and the emergency alert box was at the head of the bed, I realized she would have had to hit the button and then go lay down on the floor. I took aside the paramedic and pointed that out and he agreed. I had it set up for the emergency service to call me first because we caught her on camera getting out if bed to go into the bathroom, and then came out and pressed the emergency call telling them she needed help getting out of bed, but this time I was napping and didn't hear my phone. She wants everyone waiting on her all the time. Complains about everything. Says no to *any* activity you propose to her, then tells everyone she sleeps all the time because there's "nothing else to do."