Has anyone's elderly parent ever become manipulative? Such as trying to make you feel sorry for them?

My mother has been manipulative her whole life. I truly believe it is an automatic brain pattern at this point. Example - she used her emergency alert and told them she had fallen. I was upstairs taking a nap when the police and ambulance showed up. Really scared me. But as soon ad I saw her positioned on the floor at the end of the bed, and the emergency alert box was at the head of the bed, I realized she would have had to hit the button and then go lay down on the floor. I took aside the paramedic and pointed that out and he agreed. I had it set up for the emergency service to call me first because we caught her on camera getting out if bed to go into the bathroom, and then came out and pressed the emergency call telling them she needed help getting out of bed, but this time I was napping and didn't hear my phone. She wants everyone waiting on her all the time. Complains about everything. Says no to *any* activity you propose to her, then tells everyone she sleeps all the time because there's "nothing else to do."

iwvicki - your comment stating, "Partly I agree but you are being judgmental also and some day you may be old and alone so settle down."

Don't you think that's a nasty way to answer someone? Geez, not the best way to make a good first impression!

Your father might be getting to the point where he will need more care. It's a difficult discussion, but you need to know his preferences if he gets to the point where he is incapacitated and can't care for himself. Also think about how much you are realistically able to do for him. His basic options are in-home caregivers or moving to a senior residence (independent living, assisted living, memory care, and skilled nursing are the different types, and continuing care facilities have all facilities in one place). Much depends on his financial situation. Has he set up Powers of Attorney (POA) for medical and financial matters, so that his POA can make decisions if he is incapacitated. He also needs to have a Living Will with his advance medical Directives, and a will, if he has assets. He will probably need an attorney to do these legal papers if he has assets. All adults should have these documents, it's not just him. Does he need to have someone check in on him for a couple of hours a day, and help with cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc.? Keep an eye on when it seems like he is needing assistance with his daily needs. All the best to you both.

Oh boy absolutely.

My mom chose one person to complain to, which was me. It took a long time to figure it out, but thanks to this forum I realized that was happening. Sunshine and rainbows to everyone, relentless complaining to me. I set up boundaries but still it was exhausting because I had to hold those boundaries daily against a person with inexhaustible energy.

What did help a bit besides boundaries regarding calls and conversation times was;

- practicing ‘active non-listening’. I’d just let my mind fly into outer orbit. Extra bonus if I could cook while we were on the phone - nice smells!

- never announcing visits and thus busting her playing bingo with friends , despite being told everything is awful always, etc…

- being literally told by a professional that she was manipulating me with guilt

- My favorite; I amused myself by making a list of Top 5 Ridiculous Complaints. The winner was her telling me the food was so terrible could she come live with me…” I’ll just come sleep on your floor! Oh, and you had soup tonight? Can I have a teaspoon of soup? Just a teaspoon! “ Fyi I’ve had the food at her place and it is actually delicious.

Basically mom wanted to manipulate me into a fantasy life, which involved some scenario where I’m married to an east coast doctor ( no offense whatsoever to any of you !) and am taking care of her physical and emotional needs literally every waking moment. Needless to say her needs are very well taken care of but if I fell into her fantasty life I’d be dead from exhaustion!

This kind of behavior is miserable to deal with. I wish you the best with this! Also if you would care to come over for a teaspoon of my delicious soup you are most welcome :)

Another shoutout to this forum for showing me that lots of us are not alone with this manipulative nonsense. Teaspoons of soup for all!

I was married a year and a half ago and my 98 year old father-in-law lives with us. All I can say is I never want to burden anyone except for paid professionals with my elderly care. I am 62 and I think I will start now looking for a respected facility. IMO the statement of "well they changed your diapers and looked after you for however many years" is hogwash. It was your parents decision (and God's) to create you and I don't believe (unless it was their sick plan) that was to babysit your parents when they get sick and elderly. This guy has dementia which he gets a pass for, however, he is also manipulative, is a liar and is totally different with my husband and I then he is with his other son, who lives in a separate house but on the same property. He whines and cusses constantly and complains about the food I make. However, his son shows up with food he has made and it's perfect. We can't enjoy a night out without him calling. He's a slob and his end of the house smells like urine because even though he wears adult diapers he gets from the VA, he wets them at night and apparently enough that the diapers don't soak it all up and it goes on the bed. When he changes his diapers (he also has bowel control issues) he gets it all over his bathroom floor and toilet. I used to clean his bathroom but no more. I started feeling like a maid a housekeeper (with no pay) instead of a newlywed. I am a working professional and had a life before I got married and want it back. My husband's brother stops every day and checks on his Dad and acts like he's the most intelligent caregiver who is an expert on elderly health and mental care. He visits for a half hour and occasionally takes him to his house for an hour or two but really has no clue what we go through 24/7. The Dad wakes you up in the middle of the night thinking he's somewhere else or with people not really there or wants to know where his wallet is. This has been going on for 4 years now and you honestly get to wondering God when are you going to call him home (although I'm not sure it's God that wants him). The guy drives me nuts asking the same thing over and over again, waiting maybe 5 minutes in between and there's nothing sweet about him. So you can't think right all of the time, walking is hard, hearing is hard but does the wanting to help other people besides yourself ever get thought of?

It maybe more a matter of him not remembering how to use technology correctly. In this case, it might be easier to get a landline.

I mean really, you don’t need to drive over there. You can send police for a welfare check. That stopped that behavior with my MIL.

I have experienced this too with my mom! She loves the extra attention. For me I felt angry because that is not the mom I remember. My thought process had to go in a direction that comes from her past and how she was brought up. The suppression of women back her day was surmountable. Her needs stem from the past. My mom has terrible ptsd from the men in her life. None of those men are alive now. She looks at me like I am the controlling man which I only have to say to her it’s just you and me now and we are free to be ourselves and do as we please.
She gets it sometimes and other times she doesn’t. I just direct our conversations into a positive light and it does help temporarily. Her liking attention is normal for her now. I have to except what I can change what I cannot. Once patterns have established themselves we as the sane people need to adjust our reactions to them. Walk away, don’t get sucked into an argument that really leads to a nonsensical discussion. Take time to think their world is changing daily and it’s scary for them. Stay strong and love your parent despite their clouded thoughts. Take time for yourself to process the information you are receiving as an opportunity to help them feel safe or loved or cared about. Even if the behavior is negative and controlling. This is something I have to remind myself everyday. But this too shall pass and when my mom goes to heaven I will miss her terribly and her sometimes manipulative antics!

Yes - my mother has become more manipulative as she has gotten older (even though she always had that tendency). She says things like 'I don't have much longer to live', 'I was at death's door' and so many others. She does not like that she can't mold me as she used to be able to. I think what it may be is she is coming to terms with her mortality and is wanting more attention. She never used to talk about bad health but she's become a hypochondriac. It is exhausting.

I tried to retrain my brain to not panic and to remain calm (or as much as I am able) and not fall into the trap. She lives with us in her own space but has become very needy since her fall and rehab.

Her social worker did recommend we start looking at LTC in case things go sideways so we will but it is not my preference right now. You must make sure you take time for YOU and put up some type of self preservation 'barrier'- this is funny coming from me but it is true.

faithfulbeauty: When my mother talked (complained) endlessly about her DGD's (Dear Granddaughter) trip to Alaska and how she shouldn't have gone and instead visited her Grammy (my mother), I shut down the selfish discussion/the 'poor me story.' She never brought it up again. However, that was difficult for me to do as I shun confrontation.

Yes, sometimes they do become manipulative and very needy. Let's face it. When you get to a certain age, your world gets smaller. Your relatives and close friends are either very ill, have serious health issues or are dead. The elderly get very lonely not seeing someone if they live alone. My mom would always "need" something to be done at her house. She was quite hard of hearing, so talking on the phone with her was next to impossible. My brother (who lived with her) often got on her nerves and vice versa. I tried to empathize with her situation as best I could, but it was difficult to deal with at the time.

She has been gone now for over 7 years and I miss her. You can only do the best you can with what you have available to you. It can be aggravating at times, but I'd try to put myself in her shoes.

My aunt is in long term care, and has become to the point i dread it when she calls. She consistantly says im oging to get my lawyers involved im being forced to be here. I hate it.

Those people suffering from Dementia do become childlike. And I think its easier to deal with them when u realize that. And yes, alot of what they say and do you have to just let it go. But at no time should we have to deal with cruelty on their part even if they don't realize what they are doing. We need to learn how to walk away.

If you read OPs profile you will see that she has really not had a good relationship with her father. She has taken on the responsibility of helping him but wants to know if he could be manipulating her. IMO he is. He is living alone. Keeps his phone turned off or so low he can't hear it knowing OP worries when he does this. So, she is suppose to put up with this from a man who may fully understand what he is doing? I say no. This is being passive-aggressive.

Now if he is declining and this is now a problem, then find ways to check in on him so ur not running over there all the time. If he gets worse time for placement. In no way should OP feel she needs to do on hands care.

When people are scared due to feeling they are losing their independence "as life used to be,'

Or

And

When the brain chemistry changes, the behavior will change. To that person, it is a matter of 'life or death'. So, yes, likely millions out there deal with a parent who is manipulative ... although the question is WHY and how to manage these situations.

Call or read Teepa Snow's website. She offers webinars on how to deal with these situations / changing brains. I studied with her for 1-1/2 years. It is invaluable information.

It is also important to realize that a person 'trying' to manipulate is not doing that if the person on the other side does't allow it.
- Do look at your own reactions / responses - and the 'why' behind how you react / respond.

* Setting limits

* Learning how to 'talk' to a changing brain is vitally important

* Give yourself time outs

* Be clear on what is needed and stick to it

* Offer/ learn 'reflective listening' (do not argue. It is a waste of energy/time for all concerned and causes undue, unnecessary emotional and psychological upheaval)

* Understand, with compassionate responses, of where the 'other' person is in their mind, their brain. Put yourself in their shoes ... they are scared.

Gena / Touch Matters

Just like ours kids manipulate us for a cookie, our parents absolutely manipulate us as they become a bit childish as they age.

All we can do is not fall into the trap and try our best not to do it to our own kids when we age 🤞

YES, is the answer. Maybe some of it isn't their fault. It's a way of trying to retain or exert some sort of control when they feel it slipping away. But it's still disruptive and distressing, and there's always the, "What if he/she isn't faking this time? I'd better head over there just to be sure" dilemma. My mother's schtick is threatening to die or kill herself. I've started pretending I don't hear these comments. My favorite was when she threatened to 'run away'. My answer? "Mom, you CAN'T RUN. Maybe you could 'shuffle away'??" I wish I had advice for you; I don't. But know that a lot of us out here feel your pain.

Yes, absolutely happens all the time in one way or another.

Set appropriate boundaries for both parents safety and your well being

Avoid the guilt trip.

I'm still working on boundaries & my Mom passed nearly 6 mos ago. The memories of her manipulative tactics are so strong. She was a Borderline personality w/NPD. Brutal decades dealing with her antics. I have to work to push the horrible memories to the side & out.
Keep up your boundaries best you can. Call & visit when it works for you. You cannot pick up every phone call--be her only source--her only reason to go on. Grey block when you are with her, as in tune out what you know is manipulative with her verbal or actions. Does she have neighbors who are friends? Any other family? So many seniors do have a good social support system. I could not get my Mom to accept help in or convince her of anything. Just endured as best I could until God decided it was time to take her out of her misery. Your every breathing moment should not be consumed with running continual interference for her...
PS People: If YOU are not currently social & out walking & interacting with others, start TODAY! Make friends with neighbors. ..garden.. Get involved in your community...hobbies. Do not put your kids or grandkids through this. Find purpose & joy in every day.

Much patience is required, as our parents age they need more help and attention. They get lonely and if they end up wheelchair bound or bed bound can be worse. It’s to be expected life takes a turn and we become more of a parent and the parent the child. They end up depending on their children, it’s not easy. Everyone is different and only you know your parents ways. I live 900 miles from my mom and ended up having to hire caregivers to assist her daily. My siblings are not available and not interested to help full time. So there is no choice to do what is right.

Have you thought of getting a camera or 2 to help you not to worry? How about a landline as a secondary means of communication or use the camera to communicate as well. Best of luck.

And then there was my dear mother. Widowed at the age of 36 (my father was a prisoner of war during WWII and never recovered) with 4 small children, the woman fiercely rose to the occasion. I have never felt more save in my life than I did with my family of 5. She outlived her second husband (who I helped care for when he lived into his 80s) and remained strong until she died at 96. She died in her home and we helped her so she would not die in a hospital, her one main wish. She had her manipulative moments but those were balanced out with her continued humor and her drive to stay alive. I am caring for my partner now of 21 years who has been diagnosed with AD. She is not my mother by any means but she, again, has an independent streak. She is more self-absorbed than she was before AD set in, but will sometimes recognize that and say, "oh don't mind me". I guess that comes from her MFT training. Based on these posts, I count myself as one of the lucky ones.

I can see you are a caring daughter. If it were me, I would set limits. If he tries to manipulate you, you can only feel guilty if you let yourself. Either make a joke about it with him, “dad, are you trying to change the subject?“ or deflect. Since you know, your dad always has the phone with him, you will have to steel yourself to not think something has happened every time he doesn’t answer. You might set times when you tell him you are going to call such as at 9 o’clock in the morning or 3 o’clock in the afternoon. Otherwise don’t call. If you tell him, he will be calling at those times, and that you expect him to answer, that might work. Worth a try anyway.

I answered earlier. Just want to say that this thread is chock full of wonderful answers filled with truth, reality and wisdom.

every darn day. My grandmother used to fake cry to make people feel bad for her. She never realized it just drove people away.

My father has put himself in an advanced age state due to his drinking himself into oblivion. He is slowly recovering from the damage that he did to himself but flags go up each time I talk to him, He claims any care I try to set up for him is holding his past mistakes against him. He claims he does not need the support and makes me feel guilty for having care givers there twice a week. Some things I think are just age related. My dad is horrible with his phone as well. Sit back and listen to dad and see if he's trying to communicate other concerns to you that he's not truly ready to admit. He may be scared, and enjoying having someone around and does not want you to go. I try to see the best and think positive about his remaining life. I also have to accept the fact that my "DAD" is not the one that raised me and that i was so close to. This version can be very narcissistic and manipulative. I hope things work out for both of you and you can find your new normal. Have a blessed day.

It may be that it's hard for him to say out loud that he wants more support but doesn't want to appear 'weak'. Pride prevents some people from asking for help, and likely in elders it's an admission of declining abilities. Becoming dependent on anyone is hard for many people, scary. Even if there's an element of Narcissism, needing to always be the center of attention, the 'guilting' is manipulation to get needs met when the person has no other 'tools' to communicate asking for help. Sometimes this is fear and ambivalence about becoming dependent, losing one's autonomy. Your father may have inadvertently turned his phone off, it happens to the best of us! So, try to find out his true concerns and create a method to meet his needs while maintaining your life.

My experience with both parents and now a 94 year old aunt taught me they regress to childlike behaviors. Yes, they are very manipulative.
All three also had dementia.

My sincere suggestion to you is set some boundaries and hire part time help. Is he still driving and is he able to do basic care for himself? Maybe he needs an occasional housekeeper to clean and tidy up.

Don't be so available.

Yes, yes and yes. My mother has always been manipulative with her learned helplessness and it's worked for her benefit. My father was a giver who needed a damsel in distress so they were a perfect match. My brother was especially used emotionally by my mother and he ended up never marrying and drinking himself to death by 60 years old.

Now there's me - the only one left to manipulate. Even when my daughter, a friend and a sitter all told me - independently on different occasions - that my mother was manipulating me emotionally because she enjoyed my reactions, I scratched my head. (My friend recommended the book by Cloud and Townsend "Boundaries".)

My mother had me on a roller coaster. She called me to her bedside in January 2020 after breaking her hip and told me she was dying. That tore me up and I got so upset I had to call my cousin just to talk through it. What he said to me has stuck with me since - he said "she is enjoying the attention". I was like....what???

I still hadn't connected who she was, how she treated me while growing up and what was gong on at the time. Eventually I began to realize that I was being manipulated to feel sorry for her so I would pet and coddle her beyond what was necessary.

I read the Boundaries book. I tried to define what my role as her caregiver required of me.

It's been a journey and I things are still not perfect, or as I would like for them to be, but I no longer allow her to drive me to despair in order to get attention.

It's really sad that our natural love and concern for our parents is taken advantage of, but it's a reality for many of us.

Peace.

I don’t know my Dad would accidentally push a button and his phone was on Silent . Plus his hearing is awful .

Absolutely! My 94 yo mother does it all the time. Every time I have to leave the house she panics and makes up stories so I won’t leave. One time I believe she put herself on the bathroom floor and called out for help. Master manipulator. Be strong, be firm and reassure he/she will be fine. Then go out.

Absolutely! Part of their pattern especially when they live alone. Some reach a point where they need constant attention. But we children have lives too. We established boundaries w my mom as to when to call etc. It hasn’t fully eliminated the calls for attention but have lessened.