Follow
Share

My husband has been partial care giving for his dad (he is in his mid-80's). Diabetic, eats candy, ice cream, pies, etc. Wants the miracle pill that will make him 16 again, hateful, deaf (refuses to get a hearing aid that would help the deafness), picky eater (wants pigs feet, biscuits with lots of gravy, no left overs -- this includes freshly just made sandwiches that have been made with "left over" ingredients such as ham, cheese, etc.)
His health has been declining and my husband has been making 3-4 trips to his house a day, fixing meals (some get one or two bites with a "I can't eat this sh** or thrown across the room). My hubby has been getting up earlier before work, driving to his house and keeping a horrible schedule.
In these last few months, he has had an increase in his sugar levels from diabetes, gained weight, tired from lack of sleep and his blood pressure was through the roof (e.g. 222/124).
Two weeks ago, my father in law went to the hospital. His blood sugar levels are better than my husbands (before going in) and they have taken him off a lot of the unnecessary meds he was on. He is scheduled to go to a nursing home for rehab.
In that time, my husband has been happier, blood pressure slowly impoving, he is losing weight and getting more sleep. My blood pressure has been going down too.
He has said that he is not going several times a day to the nursing home, in fact he is not even going to go every day. He said any man in his 80's that the doctors have stabalized and in many ways is doing better than we are does not need him constantly.
Has anyone else had their health suffer due to care giving? Did it improve when your family member passed or went to a nursing home? We have learned it is just not worth it.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

81 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2 3
It takes a toll on your health, both mental and physical, that's for sure.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Yes it does. You need to remember to take care of yourself too! I was so concerned with my parents that I forgot about myself and I am now suffering from 2 Chronic conditions due to taking care of my parents.
Again, remember that you can't help your parents if you are not in good health. You start feeling strange; GET CHECKED OUT!! Don't put it off. If you are not there for your parents; then who will?
God Bless you for what you are doing. Remember, you are not alone.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Not to myself. It contributed to my sisters death, though.

My Mother was like your FIL. She was forced to the hospital and transported to rehab, then nursing home and now Assisted Living. She is doing great (or at least better.) At home, she was hateful, not eating, not very mobile, not clean. Now she is clean, eating, dressed and was actually in the commons area on Monday listening to a group sing.

My feeling is that it would benefit your FIL, if your husband did avoid going to visit, so much.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
As a nurse, with a diet like your father-in-law had, he would not last long. However, now that he is in a nursing facility, staff will not take crap like he displayed with his son. Family members are always the brunt of abuse, so continue getting healthy both of you, only go to the nursing home when you feel up to it, and wish him the best. Take time for yourselves and he will do just fine in the nursing facility. Get your husband's B/P down or he will not outlive his father!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
When I was caring for my father he got his days and nights mixed up. Consequently I was getting little sleep. If I did sleep he would try to get himself up, fall, and then I would have to call someone in the middle of the night to help put him back to bed. It reached a point where I knew one of us was going to end up in a nursing home and it wasn't going to be me! Once there, they straightened out his sleep patterns, no more falling, COPD improved. As for me - I recovered quickly. My advice would be to let your father-in-law stay at the nursing home if possible or find him an assisted living facility quickly - before you become a widow caring for an ungrateful father-in-law.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
IMMEASURABLY!!!! :-) Wayne Thanks for asking. W
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
YES it takes a toll ! My mother sounds like your FIL except that she is in diapers, has dementia ( which she denys) has diabetes and many cardio probs, non ambilitory... I have help during the day, I do night duty but I run her house ( bills, cooking, shopping) and deal with the meds and doctors. I recently took a 3 week vacay with my husband and i came back beautiful, rested and had no aches and pains and my diabetes was so improved i had to stop meds... now that I am back my BS approached 200!!! I'm getting out, sometimes it's just not worth it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Oh yes! My father was just as bad and in many ways be was worse.
He now resides in a nursing home and yes, it's partially against his own will.
The last time I took him into the ER, our doctor said that my health was in jeopardy and I still bas my husband with severe depression and ptsd, my 33 yr old daughter was still healing from a double mastectomy with invasive ductile carcinoma and my grand daughter to care for!
I would up with depression, migraines, hpylori and bleeding ulcers. ...just to name a few things.
I don't know what may happen in the future, but we have to come up with some kind of help/ relief for caregivers as our declining health puts those that we care for in jeopardy as well.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Oh yes! My father was just as bad and in many ways be was worse.
He now resides in a nursing home and yes, it's partially against his own will.
The last time I took him into the ER, our doctor said that my health was in jeopardy and I still bas my husband with severe depression and ptsd, my 33 yr old daughter was still healing from a double mastectomy with invasive ductile carcinoma and my grand daughter to care for!
I would up with depression, migraines, hpylori and bleeding ulcers. ...just to name a few things.
I don't know what may happen in the future, but we have to come up with some kind of help/ relief for caregivers as our declining health puts those that we care for in jeopardy as well.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Yes my health went completely downhill taking care of my MIL for last 4+ yrs. I just recently finally got FT help. But since then I've payed the price. I'm under many Drs. Care for chronic conditions very painful. My husband refuses to put her in a SNF. My MIL will be 90 next month! Late stage dementia and very combative. I feel bad for the new c.g. That has to put up with her. My MIL cannot walk nor talk much but boy can sure put up a fight to change and feed her. She's terrible!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Yes..8 have always suffered from depression and anxiety since my teens. My depression snd anxiety have gotton much worse. Strokes run in our family and I fear thats where I may be heading sooner or later.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Yes my health has...it's not so much the physical tasks that taking it's toll on me, it's my mother's attitude....She a nurse for 50 years but yet she is the worse patient...I am trying to some help soon!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My husband had brain cancer for 16yrs and this past year, his last was unbelievable. He thought I was seeing other men and was trying to take away his business. Nothing true! THen diabetes set in and he was phobic about needles. He only truly hit me once or twice physically but the mental/emotional abuse was devasting. Finally, I found myself ripping my chest open with my fingernails to make the "pain" go away. Had to wear special shirts so no one would find out. He passed 40 days ago. My rheumatoid arthritis is going into remission, I no longer tear at my chest. I'm calm and peaceful and getting healthier. I miss my husband of 25yrs dreadfully no matter how he treated me. But he is at peace now. I'm at peace and finally starting to have a life that I only dreamed of. I, of course feel guilty, guilty, guilty. But this is the way it is. Hang in their. God brought me through it and he can do the same for you!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My health was suffering after taking my mom in for 6 months. Heart palpitations high B.P,poor sleep, worry, weight loss etc. plus a young daughter with a newly diagnosis of ovarian cancer. I remembered what I was once told: take care of yourself first before you can take care of others. So I am in the process of placing mom in an assisted care home. Guilt? yes- but further thinking,proves it best for the entire family.My 97 year old mom is not the same person she used to be. I think this is the hardest thing for most people to accept is that their parents may be memories of who they once were.Set your priorities, take care of yourself first.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Awesome forum!! This site offers support for people who feel as though they are loosing their mind and/or who may be feeling guilty about finding alternatives to help care for a love one.
I am a 56 year old woman who has been pretty strong and healthy. Since caring for my husband totally, the last two years, my body has taken a big hit. And now, my body is mimicking signs of a heart attack. I went to the emergency room twice in 3 days. Now, I'm afraid to breath. However, I love my husband and he still needs care. I'm in the process of securing resources to help me, so that I can help him. Having said that, some major changes have to occur. In the meantime, he has to go without me jumping to cater to his every want. We have discussed the necessity of a change and he is on board. So, I want to encourage you all to SEEK outside help. There are agencies that provide relief to caregivers FREE for a limited time. Contact the hospital social worker, the American Heart/Stroke association, whatever the issue is. There is HELP, FIND it. There are statistics out there that show people caring for loved ones develop their own health issues that often end in death. I often feel guilty about having anyone else help, because I feel my husband is my responsibility. But after my visits to the emergency room I have decided I want to live. I don't know what God has in store for either of us, but I am seeking his guidance to make sure my husband's dignity stays in tack along with my sanity and health. STAY CONNECTED, we need each other.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
OMG, I am the poster child for this. Do not put up with this crap, joycews, it is life-threatening! I was the sole caregiver for my mother for almost 13 years, the last two with quickly advancing dementia. I also suffered weight gain, severe, chronic insomnia, a PTSD diagnosis and meds (seriously!) and breast cancer--I made it through, but I am absolutely convinced the cancer was stress-related because of my mother. Almost as bad as the physical issues was the fact that my own life just shrank up to nothing. She finally passed, thank-you-thank-you-thank-you God, I am so, so, so grateful for that, but not before we were both utterly worn out physically and completely miserable mentally. I will NEVER put my own kids through this. Take care of yourself and don't feel guilty about it!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Yes, yes, and yes! I am my father's caretaker. I was already on high blood pressure medicine and take an antidepressant for chronic depression. Well, I have a doctor's appointment set up for me as my blood pressure has gone up over the last months consistently, even with meds and they have increased my antidepressant dosage. My husband is also feeling the effects. I was asked if I was under any stress! There's your answer, tension and daily stress like that will take a toll on you. Your father in law's actions won't be tolerated at rehab, we went thru that one last year. In fact, my dad lasted a couple of days there and checked himself out! He is 85, hard of hearing (won't wear aid, "those are for old people,) and likes to call the shots. He has a big appetite and is not picky, but does want sweets all the time. He is borderline diabetic, and gets bugged because I don't keep a huge supply of donuts, dessert, etc. I have talked to other caregivers who all say that the elderly want their sweets, hard candy is a biggie but I buy sugar free and take it out of the bag so he doesn't know it. Please take care of yourself, yours and your husband's health is not worth risking! Enjoy the break you are getting while FIL is in the home, It's hard but don't let him guilt you because you guys are trying your very best! I feel your pain!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Yes, I suffered physically caring for my parent in my home, developed problems in both feet, gained weight from lack of sleep and cortisol levels. However, having been subjected to the ultimate crazies I am now assured of my emotional strength and how amazing my abilities are to endure and survive.
It's nice to care for them if there is a decent relationship, but as soon as they become impossible, NO WAY should you put up with it. That's why there are care homes and other facilities run by professionals. I recommend taking a proactive partnership stance, but that can be done over the phone.
Best wishes to you and your husband. Make sure he takes care of himself:)
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
In the 10 years of full time caregiving, I have had a knee replacement a hip replacement, hypertention meds, cholestral meds. I'm now in worse state of health then the patient. He refuses to think of NH or any other care besides me. I now know why caregivers die first.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
You are all ANGELS! After 10-1/2 years caring 24/7 for my mother, I am completely beyond burned out. I moved in with her after she suffered a series of strokes, which left her with little ability to walk without falling. I can't tell you how many times, day and night, that I have picked her up off the floor. Mom has ZERO safety awareness and little memory of what she shouldn't do. She has ALOT of other medical issues, including dementia and incontinence, diabetes, heart valve replaced, some speech aphasia (unable to put some thoughts into words), high BP, a seizure disorder (controlled), thyroid condition, almost deaf, etc. etc. I have had no life of my own and frequently feel that life is hopeless. I have had Complex PTSD for years, severe depression and anxiety disorder. Mom was abusive toward us kids growing up. Now, nothing I do is good enough. Since last fall my back has given up and causes extreme pain... did get to go for shots recently and it does help. My cholesterol is around 500. BP was very high but mostly controlled. I feel stressed every minute of the day. There is no help available to us because Mom's income falls just over the income limit to get help. Thank goodness it's Spring and birds are singing every morning. I can go outside for a few minutes to enjoy my fishpond that I built. It is very important to find things you enjoy doing, even if you're stuck at home. My room is my sanctuary... it's funny, because company always gravitates to my room too. :-) So please hang in there... even bad things don't last forever.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Yes, it does. When I started having to care for my mom at 23, that same year, my kidneys failed. The nephrologist eventually said the problem presented because of exhaustion. That said, my mom passed away in January this year. I am tired all the time. My pastor said that is common for caregivers to suffer from fatigue once they are no longer caregivers. I didn't realize how much of my identity was tied to what I was doing for my mom. I am 40 years old trying to "find" myself, even though I'm already a professional, and have been for a decade. I see stories here about elderly people being cranky, and they remind me of my mom becoming a stickler about only eating a certain brand of cottage cheese, and always thinking it was "rotten" if she saw any moisture. She would make a big show out of throwing it away in front of me. That was hard, but I kind of figured she didn't have much longer to live, and I was right. Always care for you, the caregiver, first.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Anxiety, chronic depression, sleeplessness, headaches, other "unexplained" aches and pains. Yes, they are all part of being a care-giver and should just be accepted....NOT! Why the government can send BILLIONS of dollars to other countries to help them out and let our seniors fend for themselves is beyond me. There are programs out there, but they are far too inadequate and while you are working your fingers, mind and body to the breaking point trying to care for your loved one and maneuvering the labyrinth of red tape associated with the programs. No fun. Hey, they dumped thousands of really, really, really mentally ill on society, what makes you think they'd help the elderly who now need care?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Since I have been a paid Caregiver for the lady I work for, my health has completely suffered. I will most likely never want to do Caregiver work again. I get 2- 3 hours a sleep a night, my blood pressure has sky rocketed, and my spirit is many times broken. It's SO hard to please this woman sometimes, and I am of the co-dependent type of personality. That doesn't help!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
My mom was a sweetheart and never complained so that made caregiving easier to take.What brought me down was dealing with nonstop headaches from people working for caregiving agencies,rehabs,hospitals and finally a really terrible nursing home.It is hard enough trying to get the best care possible for a dearly loved one while watching them slip away day by day yet knowing many of the people in the industry look at it as nothing but a huge money making machine.Yes my health will never be the same and it has become worse in the 15 months since mom passed away.I think part of the reason is after going through it I know what is in store for me in a few years when I become my mom.I agree with you 100% "scared".The system needs a total rework.Nonprofit should mean all the money goes into patient care and not into bank accounts of the people running these facilities.The government is the problem because they have all been bought off by special interest groups running this whole mess at the expense of the very ones who paid into the system their entire lives.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Fatigue/insomnia, anxiety, stress, depression, weight gain, low energy...one thing exacerbates the other. It's a vicious cycle.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Yes, my health went downhill.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
The stress of dealing with my mother was enough, but my siblings were making my life a living H-LL. My blood pressure started spiking at 180/110 up to 195/ 115 when I ended up in the hospital with a "mini stroke". My husband read the riot act to each of my siblings and a few of the spouses. At that point, they realized what they were doing. It's a year later and my blood pressure is back down to the 120's where it should be. I HAD to learn to calm down and how to block out the stressors! When possible that is. . .
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Yes, yes, yes! The stress (and no help from my brother -- who is now accusing me of Elder abuse) is pretty bad. Add to that, Adult Protective Services is breathing down my neck, and not taking into consideration I had aTROagainst him because he assaulted me PRIOR to his accusations. My Mom is always accusing me of stealing from her, spending all her money, etc. My brother is the one who has mooched financially off her, and was trying to coerce her into giving/selling my car to him (because I drive her car now). She already gave him our father's car last year after our dad died. So now, I have to hire a lawyer to defend me against his false allegations. Hopefully, I am cleared soon. Then I will sue him for slander, as well as pain & suffering.

Besides the stress, I have difficulty sleeping, chronic migraines, and need thousands of dollars of dental work I need to have done. But I have not used my Mom's money for myself because I knew it could be viewed as Elder Abuse. I'm waiting for this nightmare to end. Hopefully, it will be very soon. I can't take this much longer!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
re: im waiting for this nightmare to end

so am I LEP627, so am I
now, the sponge baths arte being given more frequently
now, the nurse is coming more frequently
plus her constant lack of productivity with the pt
this is looking more and more like a downhill slide if you ask me
im heating up crab cake for my mom after going out and buying them
so my dad calls me an ashole because he thinks i left it in the oven too long
does he go and take it out of the oven? no, of course not
thats because I firmly believe that he takes some sort of sadistic pleasure out of making these remarks that I need like a whole in the f*&^&g head, especially now nite all :-) W
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
im wondering if she has alzheimers or now IDK :-) well see nite all :-) W
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter