What would you do if you had a MIL like this?

“My husband is not able to work and has to be at her call” not true at all. That’s a lie you’ve sold yourselves. Not to sound harsh, but you and your husband are adults, and as such free to choose everything about your lives. There is zero reason to live with someone who doesn’t want the help you provide and criticizes you at every turn. This isn’t healthy for any of you. You don’t owe MIL anything, move out, no arguments or explanations needed. Go back to work and guard your own health and financial futures. Your daughter shouldn’t live in this mess either, she will come to resent you for placing her in this situation. Talk to hubby today, tell him it’s time to go, and then go with or without him. I wish you the best

"We have moved in.."

Throw this into reverse!
Quick sticks!

Ask, say, do..

ASK MIL what she wants - from a list of what is Realistic + Affordable + Available in her area.

SAY
1. Say what you WILL be able to do, going forward.
Eg telephone once a day as a welfare check-in + visit once/twice a week. Help arrange services with her. Help arrange meals on wheels or food deliveries. Or if she is completely against these & cannot cook, bathe or clean, offer to help find her a nursing home instead.

2. Say what you will NOT do going forward.
Eg Live in. Pay for her lifestyle.
Be at her beck & call. Put up with verbal abuse.

3. Say if you find she is unsafe living alone, refusing help to live safely, you will report her as vulnerable adult at risk to authorities.

DO. Do as you say you will. Arrange home services again.
Move out.
Notify APS.

Q.1 Does your husband ever feel free to say NO to his Mother?
Q.2 If not, why not?
Q3. Can you freely say no to him?

You have slidden down a big slippery slope.. but you can reverse this. Hopefully WITH your husband. Or.. he is left down there to smother alone. He chooses.

IMO the only solution is to move out. If your husband wants to go, fine, if not that would be fine as well.

I am so against moving in with a parent I cannot begin to tell you the horror stories, so many just do not understand the ramifications of doing this. Your husband not working is one of them, you are now dependent on the mother to keep a roof over your head. Yes, she knows that it is her home, her rules, you are her coolie.

She can live for many more years, is this how you want to spend the next years of your life? I would hope not.

Good Luck!

You need to get out of there and take your husband with you. If he’s worth keeping, that is.

Neither of you is obligated to this horrific woman. Being an only child doesn’t entitle a person to put his spouse through hell.

She could kill all of you if she starts a fire with her smoking and oxygen. Is that how you want to die? I doubt it.

If you and husband leave, that’ll pave the way for someone else to take over her care. As long as you stay, you’re enabling her to abuse both of you.

You simply leave, with your husband or without him if he will not leave. You get your own apartment and jobs.

Or you choose to stay and deal with all this that you have mentioned if you feel qualified to do so and wish to continue in this manner.

You do not mention that there is any diagnosed dementia.
Nor do you mention that there is a legal POA .
If there is no dementia your MIL can take care of herself or hire in help.

If there is dementia I would call APS to deal with MIL and tell them that you are unable to do so.
If APS believes her living conditions are unsafe they will arrange for diagnosis and guardianship of the state, then placement. You will not have a choice as to where this is, and the state will appoint a fiducicary to manage finances, medicaid if needed, and nursing home care.

The choice is really entirely up to you. I sure wish you good luck. Not everything can be fixed.

I would get the hell out of her home that's what I would do. With or without your husband.
You say that your husband "has to be at her call" but let me tell you, your husband is choosing to be at her beck and call. There's a big difference.
If hubby wants to continue to be his mother's slave and be used and abused, that's on him not you. You have to now do what is best for you and your marriage.
As long as someone is there to enable your MIL she will never admit that she needs more help and the vicious cycle will continue.
Just because your husband is an only child doesn't mean that he is in any way responsible for the care of his mother. I just don't understand that way of thinking.
So next time she threatens to remove you from the house, PLEASE take her up on it and then let the chips fall where they may. It's time to call her bluff!
And once out you can call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves and let them take it from there.

You have a daughter and you subject her to an old woman who smokes while on oxygen knowing that she can blow up the house? You also have a husband who is a deadbeat dad because he's chosen his mother over his daughter? And you're complaining because your MIL gives you nasty looks, treats you like a servant, and something about a purse? You don't see the real problem which is that you and your husband are unfit parents. Forget about your MIL and, if necessary, about your husband. Do what you have to do to get your daughter out of your dysfunctional and dangerous living situation.

Contact your local Adult Protective services unit and infirm them that she is a danger to herself and others and you are washing your hands of her because she is abusing you and your family. Also contact local fire department about her smoking with oxygen and refusing to stop. Ask them to contact APS. Many times, the 2 agencies will work in tandem to place the person , often through a mental health chapter. If your husband refuses to go along with this, take your daughter and leave so this wretch doesnt also destroy your bond with her too. My heart breaks for you , and you will be in my prayers.

Wrong… you ARE certain what to
do. Move out and let your husband tend to Mommy.

Hopefully, everyone will see this update. I have had no luck getting back in with my original user name. She threatened to kill herself. We called the police and they took her to the hospital. The psychologist spoke with my husband and she kept telling them that we withhold her grandchildren, they are actually her great grand children. I am a mean person who is trying to take her son away and called me his girlfriend when I am his wife. She then went on to say God told her not to do it. Well, we went to the bar for trivia night gone for two hours and she was calling people saying we left her and had not been home for hours. She then proceeded to go grab a knife from the kitchen and leave it on her bed. Mind you, she always forgets that we have cameras and can see what is happening. She then went to the living room, grabbed the remote, called her brother in law and told them she has not seen us all day and we left. She then heard the cat door, went back to her bedroom, showed us the knife then said she was going to kill herself. Well, we told her God would not like that and called the police. She then tells the psychologist. Mind you, my husband had no idea what actually happened till we reviewed the footage. He then told the psychologist that she needs to be put in a nursing home and he cannot deal with her anymore. That she is a risk to everyone and no one will come and see her at the house because of her smoking. The psych said he is sure this is a one time incident and she has once again made us the bad guys.